Half-Life

This Ramadhan has been almost a waste.
Almost.

I have not yet gained the capability to pray on a regular basis.
I'm still stopping suddenly before I even get started,
or mid-way through.

For the latter, the thought of doing something wrongly
would slowly creep up, get bigger and bigger,
and reach a crescendo which forces me to just... stop.

This has rarely happened during the month,
for which I am thankful.
Been able to ignore it most of the time lately.

As for stopping before I even get started,
a part of me KNOWS that I should just proceed.
I KNOW that.
My inner voice screams at me sometimes to just keep going.

But for some reason I just... stop.

And it's a damn shame.
More work needs to be done,
though I had hoped to overcome this before Eid.
About 7 more days left, and I will try and salvage what I can.

Was that interesting for you?
Nope?
This is where I would normally include some colourful, creative language.
But not right after talking about prayers.

So um,
go away. Yeah. You got that right.

There are quite a number of other things that I'd like to talk about,
namely Lee Kuan Yew's racism, and racist policies directed towards the Malays.
Unfortunately I don't have too much time on my hands.

Just a really brief one.
Judging by his comments on the poll results of when the Israeli official (can't remember which position, exactly) sometime in the 60's (I think),
he basically declared that Malays were untrustworthy and should be monitored.

Never mind the fact that the mainstream media was basically controlled by his party,
and has a history of asking leading questions (Google the AsiaOne survey on the recent strike by the PRC bus drivers)...

There are a few other factors that I've probably forgotten to mention,
but don't have the time to think hard about or try to recall.

Basically what he said was 'See? They don't agree with me! NOT LOYAL!'
Emotive. Sensationalist. Appeals to the inner bigot in people.

He was trying to divide the population,
and cement his support in Singapore.

But what really gets me is how the Chinese population BOUGHT IT.
Sure, not all.
I've said before, there are always exceptions.

And back then,
without the internet,
it would've been so much easier to manipulate the population once you hold all the levers of influence.

Still.
COME ON.

Are you seriously kidding me?
Man that was so obvious.

Instead of uniting the population,
he successfully divided it.
And they just went along with...

And some people still wonder
where the negative perception of Malays amongst the Chinese comes from.

Yea, a real mystery.


Well enough of that.

Within Sight

I will get fired.
Not quite sure when. Maybe this month, maybe the next.
But after a pleasant exchange
with the CEO yesterday morning during the sales meeting,
I am left with very little doubt that it will happen.

Oh don't worry,
I'll be talking more about that meeting further below.

What's that?
You weren't worried? Seriously?
Oh thank GOD!!!

Now go fuck yourself.
Yep. There we go... 

Jenia's PR application is in August.
So the plan for now is to keep my head low,
and stay in this gig long enough to get that letter
which verifies my employment.

My plan is to last long enough until the end of August.

I've already begun searching for new gigs.
And the most depressing aspect about it?
After about two weeks, I only have a SINGLE phone interview.
Not even the actual interview, by the way.
Just the initial screening call.

I have about 4 years' worth of sales experience.
And not a single call-back?
Not a single goddamn interview?

All this while, my former White and Chinese colleagues
and friends continue to get offers and go from job to job...
LinkedIn titles changing after just a few months or so.
That fast.
So easy.
So easy compared to how guys like me have it.

Now don't get me wrong,
I'm not saying racism isn't the ONLY aspect.
But to not even get an interview?
Sometimes despite having more experience.

To not even be given a change?

Nope. Racism is the only issue.
But it's a big motherfucking thing.

A level playing field. Is that too much to ask for?
Apparently if your skin tone is not the right shade,
then it is.

Fuck them.
I've come this far.
I'll keep moving.
Hell, all I need is one interview.

So back to that early morning meeting.
Ever since I've joined - and I had a feeling this would happen-
my director and the CEO have contradicted themselves a few times.

Now I'm not talking about minor things
like saying they don't like cocks up the ass,
while visiting the Cock-Up-Ass club on a regular basis.
Nope (not that there's anything wrong with that).

Major things.
At least to me.
Such as sales updates.
In fact, I distinctly remember the CEO saying how it would be a waste of time
to keep updating him on the status of opportunities,
thus giving the impression that you're free to close the deals any which way you choose...
as long as the deals close.

But nope.
Nearly every time there is a sales meeting,
he's always grilling us on minute details.

Which brings me to one of the most annoying aspects.
Straight up pisses me off sometimes.

Asking about minute details of the opportunities slated
for discussion is one thing.
Asking for minute details of loosely-related things ('Tell me all about that proposal you wrote 4 months ago! WHAT? You don't know EVERY single thing listed in there? WHY DON'T YOU KNOW RIGHT NOW??') is a whole other motherfucking thing.

Saw him grill a colleague of mine and made him look downright incompetent.
Seriously?
Just because the guy has a different approach?
THE OBJECTIVE IS THE SAME.
You would think a CEO would know there's more than one way to skin a tiger.

But nope.
Dumbass peppers insults along with what he thinks is valuable 'advice'.

This kind of approach has got me on edge.
There's almost no way of actually preparing.

You could prepare as much detail as you want on your existing opportunities.
But you never know when he might make a demand for details on something you did MONTHS ago.

These past few months,
I've noticed myself become more timid...
become less inclined to speak up.
It's made me nervous.

I fucking hate it.
Something has to give.

At the same time,
I do have immense respect for director,
though of course he does have his flaws.

He is an excellent Account Manager.
But as a manager, maybe not so much. He's too focused,
and his view sometimes becomes myopic.

We normally have to end up doing things his way.
But he does not try to intimidate you.
Tries very, very hard to motivate and mentor.

Gave me a shot when he had absolutely no reason to.

So there is another part to my plan.
While searching for another gig,
I will give my best and close the 3 large deals I have in my pipeline.

When I leave, I will leave with a bang.

Well enough of that

What. The. Fuck.

OK, so my wife is working now.
I should be happy she's occupied. Hell, I AM happy for her, I truly am.

At the same time,
I can't help feeling something else...
Like a mixture of jealousy and anxiety.

She is working in a place full of Russians.
Every single person working there is a Russian.
There's nothing wrong with that (although MOM might not share that view!).

Nothing wrong with working amongst Russians either.
Ah goddammit now I'm starting to sound like a motherfucking bigot ('no, no... nothing wrong with Muslims, but...'

Before I carry on,
I'm just gonna say that this is my thing.
It is MY issue, for me to deal with. Not hers.

So where was I?
Oh yeah.
The Russians.

So why am I bothered?
Cheating (again, I fucking KNOW) seems to be such a common thing,
that overall,
it just doesn't seem to be that big of a deal.

That, and their love of alcohol.

Now yeah,
she doesn't drink.
But it's not a hard rule for her, like it is for me.

If she really wanted to, or had to (for example, due to pressure at a social event),
she could, and might just do it.
And it's not going to be a gigantic thing for her.
Would be crazy to expect it of her.

I'm concerned,
because even if she hates being pressured into doing something (who the hell does, really?),
even if there were no obligation on her part,
she would still do it.
And has, in the past.

For example,
at a recent family gathering,
she and another female relative were pressured
into going round the room and bowing to the rest of her relatives.
Don't get me wrong, it was supposed to be a fun thing,
but she really, really didn't want to do it...
and did it anyway.

So back to her current workplace.
There is already an air of... infidelity? Nope.
Apparently her boss and his wife have an open relationship.
An air of... promiscuity. I think that's more accurate.

More like just a hint.
I'm not saying the whole office goes round and round humping each other on a regular basis.

But just that hint is enough to make me uneasy.
Maybe it's because of my upbringing, my religious beliefs. I'll get back to this point later.

So what else?
She's been invited to her boss' wife's birthday party tonight.
And she didn't deign to be bring me along.
This is probably my fault.
I'd established a pattern of meeting with my friends without inviting her.
Main reason for that was to avoid any DLV's. Which in itself is a DLV.
But nonetheless, I need to be fair.
Still bothers, me though.

This is the wife who has an open marriage.
And she will be at an event where there will be only Russians,
and of course, lots of alcohol.

In my mind,
she will be pressured to drink ('come on, just one sip!').
This is my being paranoid. What with her having given in to pressure in the past.
(This reminds me. I need to be more consistent with adhering to my own values).

And if it is at a company event (and come on, it is),
and the boss' wife pressures her to drink...
well, yeah.

Would have more trust in her otherwise,
but then again,
she also has a habit of changing her mind when it suits her.

Add to the mix how easily she is moved by emotion (woman. real shocker there!),
and well...
let's just say if I were a guy there and I were interested in her,
it would be quite easy when alcohol is added to the mix.

But again, it's just my being paranoid as hell.
I wish she'd invited me along, but eh, that's not really the issue.

It feels like I'm heading towards a place where a significant event will happen.
Like a student waiting for the exam to come...

And it's wrong.
This is something I need to address. Maybe find someone to talk to.

In the back of my mind,
I know... I know... ANYONE could change their mind.
Each person is an individual.

I could be married to a pious woman...
who eventually changes her mind.

Just because she changes her mind about some things,
does not mean she will change her mind about say, drinking or cheating.

On the way to work,
it even bothered me to realize that she knows how wearing shorts
would excite me (and other men).

And she wears them even when going out alone.

I cannot begrudge her wanting to feel confident and look attractive (I mean damn man, who doesn't want to feel confident??).

But her past actions has in my mind,
created a sort of pattern.

It's something I need to address myself.
She has done nothing wrong.

And at the bottom of this post,
I realize that I pretty much painted Russians as consistently horny, immoral, adulterous assholes.
Come the fuck on.

I need to have more faith in my beloved wife.
And what I can do, is improve myself.

IF she does ever cheat on me.
It's over. That will never change.

Not saying that she will,
but knowing that there is a plan B.
Knowing that there is going to be a decent life even if it does happen.
Having the knowledge that I do now (game, chiefly!), makes me feel much better.

An insurance policy.

Well enough of that

Dark Clouds

2.25pm, and I'm freezing in the office despite having two jackets on.
The sunlight on the other side of the window mocks me.

Anyway, I'm pretty glad the whole 'Cheating-is-not-a-big-deal' episode is finally over.
Oh there will be serious problems in the future, you can bet your ass on that.
But this gives me hope that we will be able to work things out.

Been a while since I've been here.
Need to keep writing, keep posting.
I feel the struggle to remain articulate starting to get harder again.

Lately I've been almost obsessed with getting my designs up on Threadless and Design by Humans.
Plan is to have 10, followed by 100 winning designs, earning me about $100,000.
Yep.
If only it were that easy.

Spent the whole weekend on one crappy-ass design that
I was eventually not satisfied with, but submitted anyway because a) I was out of time and b) I was fucking exhausted.

And in my rush to earn that pot of gold (unlikely),
I made one mistake after another in terms of DHV and DLV.

Yep. You've still got to run game on your wife.
And now that I think about it,
I'd consistently justified myself, qualified myself, and inadvertently sought her approval.
Hell, a few times I couldn't even make a proper decision.

Time to review the 77 Laws.
Stem the bleeding.

I remember a PUA talking about mistakes.
You acknowledge them, appreciate them, then learn from them and move on.

That is what I need to do.


Well enough of that, bitches.

Parting Clouds

Yep. Sunshine, rabbits, and fucking butterflies.
Now before I continue,
I've noticed a few grammatical errors in my previous two posts.
And I won't be amending them because fuck you, that's why.
Now that we've got that sorted...

Man, I feel a lot better now.
Don't get me wrong, I'm still sleepy as hell.
But I think getting sleep after this post won't be nearly as hard as before.

A part of me is still bitter.
Fortunately, not as bitter and full of murderous rage as I was earlier today.
Well almost the whole day.

All I could think about was how to ditch her.
When I received a text from her,
all I could think of was 'Go fuck yourself, bitch'.

And later in the day when she tried calling,
I was glad my voice sounded drowsy and she thought I'd been sleeping...
managed to cut that conversation short.
Believe me, I was in no mood or state to have a nice discussion about the motherfucking weather.

Or don't believe me.
Go fuck yourself, ok?
OK great, thanks.

So what made me feel better?
Well for starters, knowing that if I lost her,
it would be horrible,
but it wouldn't be the end of the world.

I was reminded about how you need to accept that,
to be able to take that risk,
in order to fix things.

Run a quick search in Google with the words 'Pua' and 'Mindfuck',
and a wealth of information presents itself to you.
All the wisdom at the click of a button.
And wisdom it is.

If I'd just followed my emotions blindly,
and confronted her,
well,
that would've put us both on the Divorce Bullet Train.

And though I'm willing to risk it,
it should only happen when there is no other option.
Not because I fucked it up.

I need to re-establish dominance,
and reduce compliance.

And yea,
though I've been (and still am) royally frustrated sexually...

I am going to mindfuck her in ways she never imagined.

No more acting bitter.
This will be a learning experience.

Think about it.
She cuts me off for a whole month.
30 fucking days.

And returns just 2 days before the Fasting Month.

Now how often does a situation like this present itself?

So when she returns,
instead of taking Monday off,
hell, I'm going to give her a kiss...
maybe even escalate a little bit...
and when she steps out of the shower...

I'll be ready to sleep.
You know, for work tomorrow.

That's right.
One month. And I still retain control.
Suck it.
No, not literally.

No bitterness.
Always be positive.

This is a golden opportunity.
And man oh man, I can't wait for the moment when we're hot and heavy,
and in the middle of it all, I decide to stop and get some sleep.
Meeting in the morning and all that, you understand.

It's kind of sad
that I still need to run game on her.
Every once in a while I need to remind myself to stick to the rules.

Guess it'll never go away. Not really.

She wasn't brought up as a Muslim,
and apparently has no interest in learning about Islamic values.
Would be pretty stupid of me to expect her to adhere to them.

No.
I'm grateful for the information out there.
And I'm especially glad I didn't do anything stupid.

She might throw a tantrum
or otherwise act like a child to gain compliance further down the road...
there's no doubt about that.

I will need to be firm.

But again,
I will also need to accept that it might not work out in the long run.
Just remembered that I was prepared for this.
The experience has been a mixture of positive and negative.
A learning experience.
So in that context, mostly positive.

Sometimes relationships just run their course.
It's important to accept that,
and when I do,
it makes living life a lot better.

In the meantime though,
I'm going to enjoy mindfucking the hell out of my wife.
Heh.

Well enough of that

Unchanged

It's 8.46am on a Saturday,
and my breakfast is a can of beans.
This is pretty good, actually.

But I'm up way too early.
Went to bed at around 3am, I think.
And here I am. Bed all made. Eating a can of beans.

I had brief (and I do mean fucking brief) chat
with my wife over Skype on Thursday about my sexual frustration (one thing at a time, right?).
We talked a again yesterday.

Now at first,
it seemed alright.
She understood completely. According to her.

But then she began revealing little tid-bits. Minuscule hints.
To her I'd always been so in control,
that she did not expect this to be a big deal to me.
Very cute.

Maybe I was tired, but I didn't fully get this at first,
thinking it was just her way of expressing what she really thought.

So yeah, for the slow ones out there,
her comment above was a motherfucking insult.

And yep, she did indeed anticipate this.
I didn't. Maybe because I'm still... new to it.
But I should have, so that's on me.

Fuck I'm so sleepy.
But who am I kidding?
There's no way I'd be able to get back to sleep. Tried that shit for like an hour already.

Where was I?
Oh yeah.

Remember the whole 'framing a demand as a request' thing?
Yep. She knew exactly what she was 'asking'.

We also discussed how one month is too long,
and that in the future,
it has to be much shorter.
She agreed.

And then I realized. Not really.

Her plans for fucking December and staying for a month after I leave
are still on.
I remember the plan being 2 weeks after I leave.
But judging by her past actions, especially
her
yea, I would not be fucking surprised if she stayed until February.
If she even asks this, I will make it clear that she is asking to put the marriage in jeopardy.

Do not fuck with me.

Just did a quick Google search which reminded me.
Women can get way too emotional.
So emotional in fact,
that it can override intelligence.

And I remembered that
for every promise broken,
there needs to be consequences.

Like the whole 'learning about Islam' thing.
She promised.
Then she broke her promise.
And she lied about the reason.

Instead she began coming up
with all kinds of lame-ass excuses and demands.
She wants me to learn about HER beliefs.
I did learn from her,
understood why,
and accepted it.

She can't understand why I believe what I believe.
But that's beside the point.

You made a promise. You keep to it.
I don't need to do shit for you to keep to your word.

I should have punished her. Stood firm.
Should have seen it for the shit-test that it was.
Vying for control.
Same thing with the sex issue.

All that passive-aggressive bullshit. It's for control.

If not completely, then a large part of it.
In any case, that is what is happening,
regardless of whether she realizes it or not.

Control.

I will let the 'learning about Islam' thing slide for now.
The mistake I made was not punishing her for it.
But I made the decision,
so I will stick with it.
There must be a different way.

But if she breaks any other promises,
there will be consequences.
And I know it'll be hard.
She'll cry, she'll throw fucking tantrums like a goddamn child.
She'll withhold sex- this hasn't happened yet but I KNOW it's coming.
Or maybe it has.
But I don't think the trip to Korea is mainly about using sex as a leverage.

So if she asks to stay for longer than 2 weeks in Korea,
she is asking to put the marriage in jeopardy.
May seem a bit extreme.
And I may frame it in a different way.
But I will need to stand my ground.

If she keeps doing this,
I'll only end up being more and more resentful.
And of course one thing will always lead to another.
She will keep trying to gain more and more control.
And I will keep getting more and more upset.
Even resisting her efforts would make me bitter eventually.

So splitting while
there are no kids involved might be the best option.

I feel like ending this post.
So tired.
But there are a few more things I need to get off my chest (fuck you).

During our chat,
because I was fucking blind,
I figured hey,
why don't we get a hotel room,
if she's so concerned about privacy?
And since Ramadhan is about 2 days after she arrives,
let's get a room the day after she reaches home.

It'd be fun, exciting, and romantic.
Yep. I actually looked up 'romantic hotels in Singapore'.
Fucking idiot.

She actually suggested AFER Ramadhan,
knowing full well how goddamn frustrated I was.

And then I suggested the day after she returned.

Her response?
'I don't know'.
Her standard response for anything she doesn't want to do,
but wants to avoid the guilt for saying 'no' to.

'How tired will you be on Monday? ;)'
'I don't know'
'Don't worry about me...'

Right.

So basically 'I really don't want to... but since you insist, FINE... I'll force myself to go through with it.'

Right. How can you not turned on by that, eh?
A wife who doesn't really want to have sex with you,
and makes you feel like a fucking asshat for 'pushing' her.

If that isn't passive-aggressive,
I don't know what is.

I want to have sex with someone who WANTS it with me.
I want to make love.
Ha. I might as well have asked a fucking lifeless corpse.

Oh she says she feels it too,
but gets easily distracted.

I read that women and men
tend to react to sex differently.

But she already knew I would be hurt.
And I fucking allowed it.
I ALLOWED IT.
You stupid, stupid motherfucker.

Nearly every time I approach her,
she's as dry as the asphalt after a month without rain.

And I had thought maybe it was the whole privacy thing.
But that wasn't the case at Connie's place, where we also stayed in a bedroom
in an apartment.
And Connie was home at night.

My wife was dripping wet.
Now, she's all dried out, it seems.

She could be so easily manipulated.
Maybe I'm just bitter.
Could be that this is just the fatigue and frustration talking.

But if I were single,
it would be so easy to fucking seduce her even if she were married.
Too easy.

And I'm pretty sure she'd feel guilt afterwards.
Oh but she would ENJOY the sex.
Just feel guilty afterwards.
Or not.

Maybe just a little bit of guilt.
Until she tells her husband (or he finds out).

Remember her attitude towards cheating?
It's only sex!
Just get over it and move on! Right?
If her husband doesn't, then clearly, CLEARLY he's the one with the problem.

I made the mistake of watching some amateur porn.
First time in my life (and I'm 31!) that I decided to watch the whole thing.

From the way the couple talked on the bed,
to the cuddling...
to the sex.

And she was moaning
She loved it.
It got to the point where she had to cover her mouth and she moaned and moaned.

She was on top, then on the bottom.

Why the hell did I watch it?
Goddammit.

Now I'm plagued by visions about
how my wife enjoyed sex with her exes.
I remember seeing glimpses of her reactions.
She can be pretty damn confident when she's on top.

And before we got married,
more than once she joked about tying me up (she started it),
being on top,
being in control.
She loved it. LOVED IT.

Then we got married,
and while it was hot the first night (or afternoon, technically!),
it became subdued in a hurry.
Maybe it's because of the way I curve to the left.
Maybe it's because of my inexperience.
But I could tell she was disappointed.
Every time I disappoint her. That's how I feel anyway.
Maybe once or twice I don't.
But doesn't really matter, if you keep missing the shot 99% of the time.

So I got to thinking.
What if she missed that kind of sex.
Now I bet she does.

Yep. I have become that paranoid.

I had asked her this week,
if there were anything I could do.
She went with 'Hmmmm.....'
and then again with the 'oh we will discover things naturally'.
This must've been the 3rd or 4th time I'd asked.

Fucking hell.
I wouldn't be so paranoid if
she didn't have a history of keeping the real answers hidden
until you dig deep enough.

So yea.
There is definitely something. Or a couple of things.

Reminds me of the 'I was sooo horny in the afternoon'
crap she would pull on me.
Yea... horny in the afternoon...
but when I'm back,
all of a sudden you're fucking dry as the desert again, right?

And I have no doubt now she knows
how that makes me feel.

If I call her out on that thing specifically,
she is likely to respond with something like 'I'm just telling you! I can't tell my husband? OK fine I won't next time'.

Fuck her. Not literally.
You know what I mean.

I could pull the same shit on her,
tell her how fucking horny I was...
and then just head to bed and sleep.

Been thinking a lot about doing things like that.
Tit-for-tat.
But that is fucking immature.
She will not reduce me to that kind of person.

So back to the type of sex she loves.
How long before she really wants it again?
Combine it with her attitude towards cheating,
and how easily it is to mess with her emotional side to get her in the mood...

Yep.

I know... I know... I could just run game on my wife.
But I should've done pre-selection more thoroughly.

I do not want to always have to be running game.
In my own space, I want to be able to relax!
Man.
Sure, marriage takes work. I get that.

But even for sex,
it can't be the exact same method for getting sex
with women you meet outside.

It's my home.
I need to be able to let my guard down a little bit.

This does indeed seem like a harsh post.
But this is how she makes me feel now.

Oh, and after the Skype conversation
about how sexually frustrated I was...
When I reached home that night to have a video chat with her,
like we usually do,
SHE WAS ALREADY IN BED.

Seriously?

And when I texted her,
the passive-aggressive bullshit reared its head again.

'I just lied down'.
'You wanted to talk? I can turn on the computer.'

Yep.
'I'm too tired to deal with you... but if you INSIST,
I will force myself to climb out of bed,
and go through the hassle of switching on the computer,
wait for it to load,
just so you can say whatever unimportant bullshit you need to say. OK beloved husband?'

Go fuck yourself.
Go fuck yourself.
Go fuck yourself.

Eh, she probably does.

Little by little the pieces come apart.
When enough of them do,
there might not be enough glue to fix it.

Well enough of that



p.s. and fucking EXERCISE goddammit. you told me you used to go for walks, deliberately giving me the impression that you workout... and now you say YOU HATE EXERCISE. And the excuse? IT MAKES YOU SWEAT?? COME ON.
I married you for your personality, for who you are... but apparently who you are can change any time you feel like it.

p.p.s. Sometimes I wonder if I should just run some game on a hot 20 year-old
who actually looks after herself.


p.p.p.s. This is what you have made me. And I allowed it. Time to change.

Tipping Point

It just hit me.
And now, I'm seeing red.
A part of me is trying to reason with me,
to look on the bright side,
to consider the great things that have happened recently,
instead of focusing on a few negatives.

Not working.
Just not working at all.

Maybe it's the lack of sleep from the past couple of days.
Maybe it's the lack of sex,
or general anxiety about my work.

It's probably all of it and then some.

All I know is that it's better to vent here.
Let it out.
Articulate my thoughts.

Ok fine,
so you still don't know what the fuck I'm talking about.

Here's the thing.
I'm writing this for ME,
not you.
So kindly fuck off, ok?
There you go.

Now where was I?
Right.
Pissed off. Seeing red.
Volcanoes and misery,
storms and anger and destruction.

Yeah.

This might be the tipping point.
Today is the day I actually thought
that maybe, maybe it was  mistake to get married.

Maybe it would be better to call it quits.
Before it gets worse.

I love her,
but I don't think she loves me as much.
Either that, or she really is that clueless.
Either way, not a good sign.

Now before I move on,
this is not solely about one or two things.

I'm already in a pretty bad place.
Not sure if I'll be able to hold on to my job for much longer.
Hell, I haven't even been able to score a single interview.

My bank account isn't doing too good,
and soon,
both my parents won't be able to work anymore.
Oh, and my younger brother has just recently graduated and can't find a job.
It is Singapore, after all.

And my youngest sister is still studying.

Add to that the fact that my grandmother,
my relatives,
so many people... need help.

The problems keep piling on top of each other...
and I feel buried underneath.

No matter how I twist and turn
to avoid the falling debris,
I keep getting knocked down further and further down the hole.

I feel like I'm drowning.

And where is my beloved wife?
In Korea.

Now don't get me wrong.
It's not just one thing.
Man, I feel for her mom, I do.
If this were the only time she wanted to spend a month with her mom,
if it were the only thing...
then hell, it wouldn't even be a 'thing'.

There have been many moments when she'd been sweet to me.
But I cannot overlook the major issues (which apparently, are not major to her).

She's broken what, 2-3 major promises she'd made
before we got married.

One of them was to learn about Islam.
It's fine if you want to take your time.
And I'd be the last person to force anyone to do it.

But before marriage,
we discussed it.
If we were to join our lives,
this is something she would have to do.

So we got married.
And yea,
because she's on a Long-Term Visit Pass,
she can't work.

I do feel bad for her,
to be so far away from her mom and friends,
and having to deal with the boredom of staying alone in a room.

I get it.

But after a few months,
she hasn't even bothered learn.

She has these misconceptions,
and there are times when I am unable to answer her questions
about why Islam encourages this,
or forbids that.

I learned about all that stuff ages ago,
and accepted the reasons.
Just can't recall them anymore.

But she would press me for the answers,
and when I recommended going for classes,
or even checking out some sites with reliable info,
she balked.


She said she wanted to take classes before we got married.
And I said I would attend with her.

So a few months ago,
I suggested we sign up for a class.
She kept giving noncommittal answers...
until finally,
after I'd asked her occasionally
over a long period of many weeks,
she finally confessed that she had no intention of doing it.
None.

She claimed that during the conversion ceremony,
because the person mentioned all the responsibilities of a Muslim
and the rules she has to follow,
she decided not to learn.
At all.

Saying that because she didn't hear
anything about how she could do whatever she wanted,
she just flat out refused to learn.

Never mind the fact that a) she's officially been a Muslim for months now
doing whatever the hell she wanted,
and b) Islam always gives you the choice.
The rules are there for you to decide whether or not to follow.
No angels are gonna come down to beat your ass if you break any of them.

She went on and on about these rules...
but whenever I tried to point out that Islam is NOT like that,
and that she should at least learn about it first before rejecting it,
she gets really, really upset.

I mean holy shit.
This is a big thing for me.
She knows that.
I made it clear BEFORE we got married.

She agreed to at least learn about it.
And she broke that promise.

We even had an argument about how our (hypothetical) kids
were to be brought up.
EVEN THOUGH WE HAD THIS DISCUSSION AND CAME TO AN AGREEMENT BEFORE WE GOT MARRIED.

It's like she conveniently forgets things that aren't in her favour.
Things that don't suit her current moods.
The way I see it,
if it's not important to her,
then its not an important issue.

She hates rules.
But follows them,
and expects others to do the same,
when she feels they make sense.

Her opinion is king.

I mean goddammit,
she can't even seem to grasp the difference between 'opinion' and 'fact'.

Seriously.

If your name is 'John',
then the fact is, your name is John.

If anyone calls you 'Tim',
that's wrong.

But in her eyes,
it's perfectly fine.
Why? Because to her, calling you 'Tim' is an opinion.

Now how do you argue with that kind of logic?
It's like loading yourself into a catapult,
and launching yourself headfirst into a brick wall of pain, confusion, and anger.

There are a few other things,
but I'm tired,
so I'll just stick with the ones that really bother me.
How much do they bother me?
I considered ditching her.
THAT is how much.
Now shut the fuck up.

When she was younger in China,
she had a friend,
who apparently was soooo horny,
that she slept with so many guys...
while her boyfriend waited for her back in Russia.

Nobody bothered to tell him.
And she found it funny that her friend slept with so many guys.
Amusing is more appropriate.

The boyfriend it seemed,
had no idea.
And they eventually got married.
Happy ending right?
Sure.
Considering she named her first kid AFTER HER EX.

And what was my wife's response?
Amused incredulity.

The way she described it,
man,
I wouldn't be surprised if that kid isn't the husband's.

But your friend being a serial cheater is one thing.
To my wife,
their getting married and having a kid is a happy ending.

Right.
As if that woman would've suddenly stopped cheating.

I hate to break it to you,
but if she had no problems lying for years to her boyfriend,
and then marrying him and naming their first kid after an ex,
I doubt she'd think twice about cheating on him again.
Hell, I wouldn't be surprised if she were cheating on him still.

Yea, yea... I shouldn't judge.
And yes, I could be mistaken.
But the way she described her friend...
yea I doubt that's the case.

But that's not the problem.

It's the way she described it,
as if it were a funny story.

To her,
sure, her friend did something wrong...
but hey! it's not a big deal!
Yea... cheating on your partner is nothing!

The fact that we had just got married...
and that she pretty much does whatever she'd like to do...
and that I'm busy working all day while she has all that time to kill...

She doesn't see how that might bother me?
Really?

Oh, and when I mentioned that
if it had happened to me...
there is no way in hell I would forgive the girl...
and we would never be together...

When I mentioned that,
she was shocked.
Shocked! I tell you!

To her, when you're really horny
and your partner isn't around,
and you decide to bone someone else,
it's OK.
Because you've released the tension.
You've got it over and done with.
So it's all good!

Right.
Like how her friend couldn't resist cheating
over and over and over and over again...
Took her a while to release all that tension, eh?


And she can't understand why that mentality bothers me.

I could start sarging again.
Running game.
Dating hot chicks.

I even considered it today.
Why not?
But I wouldn't sleep with anyone...
due to my religious beliefs.

I could do it.
Just date again.

I knew I'd still have to run game on her...
it never really ends.
But I figured I could loosen up a bit.
I wouldn't have to keep so focused all the time.

Now she's in Korea.
She wanted to go back for a month.

And at the end of this year,
she wants to stay for another month.

Back when she was living in Beijing,
she'd visit her mom only once a year,
and maybe for a week at most.

But hey, her mom's living alone,
and her husband passed away not too long ago.

I get it.

My wife can't seem to decide whether or not
she wants to stay with me.
I feel like a goddamn dog,
waiting patiently for its master to return.
And I'm expected to be happy.
Ecstatic even.

Are you fucking kidding me?

We've just got married...
and there have been many times she just flats out does not want to have sex.
She'll give me a blowjob...
and it feels like she does it just to shut me up.
Yea, a real motherfucking turn-on there.

Oh, and she'll only reveal what's the real problem
after intense, continuous digging.

Great. That sounds not quite right
coming directly after talking about sex.
Ah fuck it.

So we've just got married...
and she goes away on long trips.
Oh, and when she's back,
it'll only be 2 days before Ramadhan.

That means 'no sex'... for another month.
I may not be the most pious guy around,
but I do observe the Fasting Month (and she won't, obviously).

And if I bring up sex (or lack thereof),
and her visiting her mom for such long periods...
an argument is sure to follow.

She frames demands as requests.
So in other words,
saying 'yes' is the only real answer.

I can't have frank discussions with her
about things that bother me
because if it involves something she does,
no matter how minor,
it would suddenly turn a discussion about her and her alone,
and about how I'm supposed to accept it.

For example,
in the middle of a conversation on Skype,
while I was in mid-sentence,
she heard BEEP! and proceeded to check the message,
and type a reply...
all while I was just staring at the screen like a dumbass.

THEN she proceeded to go 'Oh it's my friend'.
And because she got another message,
she went 'Sorry, one moment' while she replied.

Now I'm fine,
if you need me to hold on for a minute.

But cutting me off mid-sentence?
And then making me WAIT.
Who the fuck do you think you are?
To me that is like a slap to the face.
If we were only dating,
I would've hung up on her.

Now admittedly,
the way I responded was pretty childish.

From past experience,
I knew confronting her about it would result in an argument.
So being the genius that I am,
I then proceeded to pay very little attention to her,
while surfing and reading articles.

And when I told her why I did it.
Yep.
You guessed it.
Argument.

She started by saying that's how she'd always been (i.e. ACCEPT ME, BITCH),
and then changed tack by claiming she'd indeed asked me to hold on a minute
while she replied to her friend.
Funny how her memory changes to suit her argument.

The fact that I remember this
The fact that I'm even writing all this shit down
makes me feel like I'm goddamn petty.
And I probably am.
That's the stage we're at.

So after Ramadhan,
we're scheduled to visit her mom again in December...
this time with my family in tow.
So two weeks... no sex.
And she'd like to stay on for much longer.
I forget how long...
but I wouldn't be surprised if she returned only in February,
with a plan to return for another month or two or three a little further into the year.

-fuck.
I'd just been interrupted by my annoying, greedy, snivelling, jackass, dumbass landlord
about the washing machine.
There was a knocking sound made by the laundry,
which is normal when a heavy load hadn't been placed properly.
No big deal, and perfectly normal.
That machine was built for it.

He decided to take that as an opening
to talk about how much the electricity bill has gone up (I'd agreed to an earlier increase on the condition that he never mention it again)(he did)(the fucker),
about how my wife had washed a duvet  a few months back (the machine has a DUVET SETTING, YOU MORON), and tried to blame alleged damage on that.

Yea, he's clearly seeking an excuse to kick us out,
or increase the rent.
Now I've got that to worry about as well.
Perfect.

But I digress (not for the first time, I know).
So I can't have frank discussions with her.
If I bring up sex,
an argument is not only a guarantee,
but what follows will be a guilt trip.
Or some kind of attempt at humiliation by
portraying me as some kind of jerk who demands sex all the time.

And when that happens,
you can bet your ass I am not sleeping with her.
That too, would somehow be my fault.

It's already 11pm.
I'm tired.
I'm frustrated.
I'm lonely.

Apparently I'm married.
I have the certificate and everything.


Maybe things will get better.
Maybe not.

She just texted me 'Good night'.
I am not responding.

Oh, and I'm under no illusions that if
she ever sees this post,
instead of seeing how troubled I am,
she will not only miss the point,
but she would again,
make this about how I'm 'not accepting her'.

If that happens.
I'm 99% sure we'll be through.

If I'd found out about all this while
we were dating,
I would've ditched her AGES ago.

But we never really dated.
And maybe that's a good thing.

Maybe marriage forces to work these issues out.
She could be the right person for me after all.

Or maybe I made a huge mistake.


Well enough of that