OK, so my wife is working now.
I should be happy she's occupied. Hell, I AM happy for her, I truly am.
At the same time,
I can't help feeling something else...
Like a mixture of jealousy and anxiety.
She is working in a place full of Russians.
Every single person working there is a Russian.
There's nothing wrong with that (although MOM might not share that view!).
Nothing wrong with working amongst Russians either.
Ah goddammit now I'm starting to sound like a motherfucking bigot ('no, no... nothing wrong with Muslims, but...'
Before I carry on,
I'm just gonna say that this is my thing.
It is MY issue, for me to deal with. Not hers.
So where was I?
Oh yeah.
The Russians.
So why am I bothered?
Cheating (again, I fucking KNOW) seems to be such a common thing,
that overall,
it just doesn't seem to be that big of a deal.
That, and their love of alcohol.
Now yeah,
she doesn't drink.
But it's not a hard rule for her, like it is for me.
If she really wanted to, or had to (for example, due to pressure at a social event),
she could, and might just do it.
And it's not going to be a gigantic thing for her.
Would be crazy to expect it of her.
I'm concerned,
because even if she hates being pressured into doing something (who the hell does, really?),
even if there were no obligation on her part,
she would still do it.
And has, in the past.
For example,
at a recent family gathering,
she and another female relative were pressured
into going round the room and bowing to the rest of her relatives.
Don't get me wrong, it was supposed to be a fun thing,
but she really, really didn't want to do it...
and did it anyway.
So back to her current workplace.
There is already an air of... infidelity? Nope.
Apparently her boss and his wife have an open relationship.
An air of... promiscuity. I think that's more accurate.
More like just a hint.
I'm not saying the whole office goes round and round humping each other on a regular basis.
But just that hint is enough to make me uneasy.
Maybe it's because of my upbringing, my religious beliefs. I'll get back to this point later.
So what else?
She's been invited to her boss' wife's birthday party tonight.
And she didn't deign to be bring me along.
This is probably my fault.
I'd established a pattern of meeting with my friends without inviting her.
Main reason for that was to avoid any DLV's. Which in itself is a DLV.
But nonetheless, I need to be fair.
Still bothers, me though.
This is the wife who has an open marriage.
And she will be at an event where there will be only Russians,
and of course, lots of alcohol.
In my mind,
she will be pressured to drink ('come on, just one sip!').
This is my being paranoid. What with her having given in to pressure in the past.
(This reminds me. I need to be more consistent with adhering to my own values).
And if it is at a company event (and come on, it is),
and the boss' wife pressures her to drink...
well, yeah.
Would have more trust in her otherwise,
but then again,
she also has a habit of changing her mind when it suits her.
Add to the mix how easily she is moved by emotion (woman. real shocker there!),
and well...
let's just say if I were a guy there and I were interested in her,
it would be quite easy when alcohol is added to the mix.
But again, it's just my being paranoid as hell.
I wish she'd invited me along, but eh, that's not really the issue.
It feels like I'm heading towards a place where a significant event will happen.
Like a student waiting for the exam to come...
And it's wrong.
This is something I need to address. Maybe find someone to talk to.
In the back of my mind,
I know... I know... ANYONE could change their mind.
Each person is an individual.
I could be married to a pious woman...
who eventually changes her mind.
Just because she changes her mind about some things,
does not mean she will change her mind about say, drinking or cheating.
On the way to work,
it even bothered me to realize that she knows how wearing shorts
would excite me (and other men).
And she wears them even when going out alone.
I cannot begrudge her wanting to feel confident and look attractive (I mean damn man, who doesn't want to feel confident??).
But her past actions has in my mind,
created a sort of pattern.
It's something I need to address myself.
She has done nothing wrong.
And at the bottom of this post,
I realize that I pretty much painted Russians as consistently horny, immoral, adulterous assholes.
Come the fuck on.
I need to have more faith in my beloved wife.
And what I can do, is improve myself.
IF she does ever cheat on me.
It's over. That will never change.
Not saying that she will,
but knowing that there is a plan B.
Knowing that there is going to be a decent life even if it does happen.
Having the knowledge that I do now (game, chiefly!), makes me feel much better.
An insurance policy.
Well enough of that
