It's 8.46am on a Saturday,
and my breakfast is a can of beans.
This is pretty good, actually.
But I'm up way too early.
Went to bed at around 3am, I think.
And here I am. Bed all made. Eating a can of beans.
I had brief (and I do mean fucking brief) chat
with my wife over Skype on Thursday about my sexual frustration (one thing at a time, right?).
We talked a again yesterday.
Now at first,
it seemed alright.
She understood completely. According to her.
But then she began revealing little tid-bits. Minuscule hints.
To her I'd always been so in control,
that she did not expect this to be a big deal to me.
Very cute.
Maybe I was tired, but I didn't fully get this at first,
thinking it was just her way of expressing what she really thought.
So yeah, for the slow ones out there,
her comment above was a motherfucking insult.
And yep, she did indeed anticipate this.
I didn't. Maybe because I'm still... new to it.
But I should have, so that's on me.
Fuck I'm so sleepy.
But who am I kidding?
There's no way I'd be able to get back to sleep. Tried that shit for like an hour already.
Where was I?
Oh yeah.
Remember the whole 'framing a demand as a request' thing?
Yep. She knew exactly what she was 'asking'.
We also discussed how one month is too long,
and that in the future,
it has to be much shorter.
She agreed.
And then I realized. Not really.
Her plans for fucking December and staying for a month after I leave
are still on.
I remember the plan being 2 weeks after I leave.
But judging by her past actions, especially
her
yea, I would not be fucking surprised if she stayed until February.
If she even asks this, I will make it clear that she is asking to put the marriage in jeopardy.
Do not fuck with me.
Just did a quick Google search which reminded me.
Women can get way too emotional.
So emotional in fact,
that it can override intelligence.
And I remembered that
for every promise broken,
there needs to be consequences.
Like the whole 'learning about Islam' thing.
She promised.
Then she broke her promise.
And she lied about the reason.
Instead she began coming up
with all kinds of lame-ass excuses and demands.
She wants me to learn about HER beliefs.
I did learn from her,
understood why,
and accepted it.
She can't understand why I believe what I believe.
But that's beside the point.
You made a promise. You keep to it.
I don't need to do shit for you to keep to your word.
I should have punished her. Stood firm.
Should have seen it for the shit-test that it was.
Vying for control.
Same thing with the sex issue.
All that passive-aggressive bullshit. It's for control.
If not completely, then a large part of it.
In any case, that is what is happening,
regardless of whether she realizes it or not.
Control.
I will let the 'learning about Islam' thing slide for now.
The mistake I made was not punishing her for it.
But I made the decision,
so I will stick with it.
There must be a different way.
But if she breaks any other promises,
there will be consequences.
And I know it'll be hard.
She'll cry, she'll throw fucking tantrums like a goddamn child.
She'll withhold sex- this hasn't happened yet but I KNOW it's coming.
Or maybe it has.
But I don't think the trip to Korea is mainly about using sex as a leverage.
So if she asks to stay for longer than 2 weeks in Korea,
she is asking to put the marriage in jeopardy.
May seem a bit extreme.
And I may frame it in a different way.
But I will need to stand my ground.
If she keeps doing this,
I'll only end up being more and more resentful.
And of course one thing will always lead to another.
She will keep trying to gain more and more control.
And I will keep getting more and more upset.
Even resisting her efforts would make me bitter eventually.
So splitting while
there are no kids involved might be the best option.
I feel like ending this post.
So tired.
But there are a few more things I need to get off my chest (fuck you).
During our chat,
because I was fucking blind,
I figured hey,
why don't we get a hotel room,
if she's so concerned about privacy?
And since Ramadhan is about 2 days after she arrives,
let's get a room the day after she reaches home.
It'd be fun, exciting, and romantic.
Yep. I actually looked up 'romantic hotels in Singapore'.
Fucking idiot.
She actually suggested AFER Ramadhan,
knowing full well how goddamn frustrated I was.
And then I suggested the day after she returned.
Her response?
'I don't know'.
Her standard response for anything she doesn't want to do,
but wants to avoid the guilt for saying 'no' to.
'How tired will you be on Monday? ;)'
'I don't know'
'Don't worry about me...'
Right.
So basically 'I really don't want to... but since you insist, FINE... I'll force myself to go through with it.'
Right. How can you not turned on by that, eh?
A wife who doesn't really want to have sex with you,
and makes you feel like a fucking asshat for 'pushing' her.
If that isn't passive-aggressive,
I don't know what is.
I want to have sex with someone who WANTS it with me.
I want to make love.
Ha. I might as well have asked a fucking lifeless corpse.
Oh she says she feels it too,
but gets easily distracted.
I read that women and men
tend to react to sex differently.
But she already knew I would be hurt.
And I fucking allowed it.
I ALLOWED IT.
You stupid, stupid motherfucker.
Nearly every time I approach her,
she's as dry as the asphalt after a month without rain.
And I had thought maybe it was the whole privacy thing.
But that wasn't the case at Connie's place, where we also stayed in a bedroom
in an apartment.
And Connie was home at night.
My wife was dripping wet.
Now, she's all dried out, it seems.
She could be so easily manipulated.
Maybe I'm just bitter.
Could be that this is just the fatigue and frustration talking.
But if I were single,
it would be so easy to fucking seduce her even if she were married.
Too easy.
And I'm pretty sure she'd feel guilt afterwards.
Oh but she would ENJOY the sex.
Just feel guilty afterwards.
Or not.
Maybe just a little bit of guilt.
Until she tells her husband (or he finds out).
Remember her attitude towards cheating?
It's only sex!
Just get over it and move on! Right?
If her husband doesn't, then clearly, CLEARLY he's the one with the problem.
I made the mistake of watching some amateur porn.
First time in my life (and I'm 31!) that I decided to watch the whole thing.
From the way the couple talked on the bed,
to the cuddling...
to the sex.
And she was moaning
She loved it.
It got to the point where she had to cover her mouth and she moaned and moaned.
She was on top, then on the bottom.
Why the hell did I watch it?
Goddammit.
Now I'm plagued by visions about
how my wife enjoyed sex with her exes.
I remember seeing glimpses of her reactions.
She can be pretty damn confident when she's on top.
And before we got married,
more than once she joked about tying me up (she started it),
being on top,
being in control.
She loved it. LOVED IT.
Then we got married,
and while it was hot the first night (or afternoon, technically!),
it became subdued in a hurry.
Maybe it's because of the way I curve to the left.
Maybe it's because of my inexperience.
But I could tell she was disappointed.
Every time I disappoint her. That's how I feel anyway.
Maybe once or twice I don't.
But doesn't really matter, if you keep missing the shot 99% of the time.
So I got to thinking.
What if she missed that kind of sex.
Now I bet she does.
Yep. I have become that paranoid.
I had asked her this week,
if there were anything I could do.
She went with 'Hmmmm.....'
and then again with the 'oh we will discover things naturally'.
This must've been the 3rd or 4th time I'd asked.
Fucking hell.
I wouldn't be so paranoid if
she didn't have a history of keeping the real answers hidden
until you dig deep enough.
So yea.
There is definitely something. Or a couple of things.
Reminds me of the 'I was sooo horny in the afternoon'
crap she would pull on me.
Yea... horny in the afternoon...
but when I'm back,
all of a sudden you're fucking dry as the desert again, right?
And I have no doubt now she knows
how that makes me feel.
If I call her out on that thing specifically,
she is likely to respond with something like 'I'm just telling you! I can't tell my husband? OK fine I won't next time'.
Fuck her. Not literally.
You know what I mean.
I could pull the same shit on her,
tell her how fucking horny I was...
and then just head to bed and sleep.
Been thinking a lot about doing things like that.
Tit-for-tat.
But that is fucking immature.
She will not reduce me to that kind of person.
So back to the type of sex she loves.
How long before she really wants it again?
Combine it with her attitude towards cheating,
and how easily it is to mess with her emotional side to get her in the mood...
Yep.
I know... I know... I could just run game on my wife.
But I should've done pre-selection more thoroughly.
I do not want to always have to be running game.
In my own space, I want to be able to relax!
Man.
Sure, marriage takes work. I get that.
But even for sex,
it can't be the exact same method for getting sex
with women you meet outside.
It's my home.
I need to be able to let my guard down a little bit.
This does indeed seem like a harsh post.
But this is how she makes me feel now.
Oh, and after the Skype conversation
about how sexually frustrated I was...
When I reached home that night to have a video chat with her,
like we usually do,
SHE WAS ALREADY IN BED.
Seriously?
And when I texted her,
the passive-aggressive bullshit reared its head again.
'I just lied down'.
'You wanted to talk? I can turn on the computer.'
Yep.
'I'm too tired to deal with you... but if you INSIST,
I will force myself to climb out of bed,
and go through the hassle of switching on the computer,
wait for it to load,
just so you can say whatever unimportant bullshit you need to say. OK beloved husband?'
Go fuck yourself.
Go fuck yourself.
Go fuck yourself.
Eh, she probably does.
Little by little the pieces come apart.
When enough of them do,
there might not be enough glue to fix it.
Well enough of that
p.s. and fucking EXERCISE goddammit. you told me you used to go for walks, deliberately giving me the impression that you workout... and now you say YOU HATE EXERCISE. And the excuse? IT MAKES YOU SWEAT?? COME ON.
I married you for your personality, for who you are... but apparently who you are can change any time you feel like it.
p.p.s. Sometimes I wonder if I should just run some game on a hot 20 year-old
who actually looks after herself.
p.p.p.s. This is what you have made me. And I allowed it. Time to change.
