It just hit me.
And now, I'm seeing red.
A part of me is trying to reason with me,
to look on the bright side,
to consider the great things that have happened recently,
instead of focusing on a few negatives.
Not working.
Just not working at all.
Maybe it's the lack of sleep from the past couple of days.
Maybe it's the lack of sex,
or general anxiety about my work.
It's probably all of it and then some.
All I know is that it's better to vent here.
Let it out.
Articulate my thoughts.
Ok fine,
so you still don't know what the fuck I'm talking about.
Here's the thing.
I'm writing this for ME,
not you.
So kindly fuck off, ok?
There you go.
Now where was I?
Right.
Pissed off. Seeing red.
Volcanoes and misery,
storms and anger and destruction.
Yeah.
This might be the tipping point.
Today is the day I actually thought
that maybe, maybe it was mistake to get married.
Maybe it would be better to call it quits.
Before it gets worse.
I love her,
but I don't think she loves me as much.
Either that, or she really is that clueless.
Either way, not a good sign.
Now before I move on,
this is not solely about one or two things.
I'm already in a pretty bad place.
Not sure if I'll be able to hold on to my job for much longer.
Hell, I haven't even been able to score a single interview.
My bank account isn't doing too good,
and soon,
both my parents won't be able to work anymore.
Oh, and my younger brother has just recently graduated and can't find a job.
It is Singapore, after all.
And my youngest sister is still studying.
Add to that the fact that my grandmother,
my relatives,
so many people... need help.
The problems keep piling on top of each other...
and I feel buried underneath.
No matter how I twist and turn
to avoid the falling debris,
I keep getting knocked down further and further down the hole.
I feel like I'm drowning.
And where is my beloved wife?
In Korea.
Now don't get me wrong.
It's not just one thing.
Man, I feel for her mom, I do.
If this were the only time she wanted to spend a month with her mom,
if it were the only thing...
then hell, it wouldn't even be a 'thing'.
There have been many moments when she'd been sweet to me.
But I cannot overlook the major issues (which apparently, are not major to her).
She's broken what, 2-3 major promises she'd made
before we got married.
One of them was to learn about Islam.
It's fine if you want to take your time.
And I'd be the last person to force anyone to do it.
But before marriage,
we discussed it.
If we were to join our lives,
this is something she would have to do.
So we got married.
And yea,
because she's on a Long-Term Visit Pass,
she can't work.
I do feel bad for her,
to be so far away from her mom and friends,
and having to deal with the boredom of staying alone in a room.
I get it.
But after a few months,
she hasn't even bothered learn.
She has these misconceptions,
and there are times when I am unable to answer her questions
about why Islam encourages this,
or forbids that.
I learned about all that stuff ages ago,
and accepted the reasons.
Just can't recall them anymore.
But she would press me for the answers,
and when I recommended going for classes,
or even checking out some sites with reliable info,
she balked.
She said she wanted to take classes before we got married.
And I said I would attend with her.
So a few months ago,
I suggested we sign up for a class.
She kept giving noncommittal answers...
until finally,
after I'd asked her occasionally
over a long period of many weeks,
she finally confessed that she had no intention of doing it.
None.
She claimed that during the conversion ceremony,
because the person mentioned all the responsibilities of a Muslim
and the rules she has to follow,
she decided not to learn.
At all.
Saying that because she didn't hear
anything about how she could do whatever she wanted,
she just flat out refused to learn.
Never mind the fact that a) she's officially been a Muslim for months now
doing whatever the hell she wanted,
and b) Islam always gives you the choice.
The rules are there for you to decide whether or not to follow.
No angels are gonna come down to beat your ass if you break any of them.
She went on and on about these rules...
but whenever I tried to point out that Islam is NOT like that,
and that she should at least learn about it first before rejecting it,
she gets really, really upset.
I mean holy shit.
This is a big thing for me.
She knows that.
I made it clear BEFORE we got married.
She agreed to at least learn about it.
And she broke that promise.
We even had an argument about how our (hypothetical) kids
were to be brought up.
EVEN THOUGH WE HAD THIS DISCUSSION AND CAME TO AN AGREEMENT BEFORE WE GOT MARRIED.
It's like she conveniently forgets things that aren't in her favour.
Things that don't suit her current moods.
The way I see it,
if it's not important to her,
then its not an important issue.
She hates rules.
But follows them,
and expects others to do the same,
when she feels they make sense.
Her opinion is king.
I mean goddammit,
she can't even seem to grasp the difference between 'opinion' and 'fact'.
Seriously.
If your name is 'John',
then the fact is, your name is John.
If anyone calls you 'Tim',
that's wrong.
But in her eyes,
it's perfectly fine.
Why? Because to her, calling you 'Tim' is an opinion.
Now how do you argue with that kind of logic?
It's like loading yourself into a catapult,
and launching yourself headfirst into a brick wall of pain, confusion, and anger.
There are a few other things,
but I'm tired,
so I'll just stick with the ones that really bother me.
How much do they bother me?
I considered ditching her.
THAT is how much.
Now shut the fuck up.
When she was younger in China,
she had a friend,
who apparently was soooo horny,
that she slept with so many guys...
while her boyfriend waited for her back in Russia.
Nobody bothered to tell him.
And she found it funny that her friend slept with so many guys.
Amusing is more appropriate.
The boyfriend it seemed,
had no idea.
And they eventually got married.
Happy ending right?
Sure.
Considering she named her first kid AFTER HER EX.
And what was my wife's response?
Amused incredulity.
The way she described it,
man,
I wouldn't be surprised if that kid isn't the husband's.
But your friend being a serial cheater is one thing.
To my wife,
their getting married and having a kid is a happy ending.
Right.
As if that woman would've suddenly stopped cheating.
I hate to break it to you,
but if she had no problems lying for years to her boyfriend,
and then marrying him and naming their first kid after an ex,
I doubt she'd think twice about cheating on him again.
Hell, I wouldn't be surprised if she were cheating on him still.
Yea, yea... I shouldn't judge.
And yes, I could be mistaken.
But the way she described her friend...
yea I doubt that's the case.
But that's not the problem.
It's the way she described it,
as if it were a funny story.
To her,
sure, her friend did something wrong...
but hey! it's not a big deal!
Yea... cheating on your partner is nothing!
The fact that we had just got married...
and that she pretty much does whatever she'd like to do...
and that I'm busy working all day while she has all that time to kill...
She doesn't see how that might bother me?
Really?
Oh, and when I mentioned that
if it had happened to me...
there is no way in hell I would forgive the girl...
and we would never be together...
When I mentioned that,
she was shocked.
Shocked! I tell you!
To her, when you're really horny
and your partner isn't around,
and you decide to bone someone else,
it's OK.
Because you've released the tension.
You've got it over and done with.
So it's all good!
Right.
Like how her friend couldn't resist cheating
over and over and over and over again...
Took her a while to release all that tension, eh?
And she can't understand why that mentality bothers me.
I could start sarging again.
Running game.
Dating hot chicks.
I even considered it today.
Why not?
But I wouldn't sleep with anyone...
due to my religious beliefs.
I could do it.
Just date again.
I knew I'd still have to run game on her...
it never really ends.
But I figured I could loosen up a bit.
I wouldn't have to keep so focused all the time.
Now she's in Korea.
She wanted to go back for a month.
And at the end of this year,
she wants to stay for another month.
Back when she was living in Beijing,
she'd visit her mom only once a year,
and maybe for a week at most.
But hey, her mom's living alone,
and her husband passed away not too long ago.
I get it.
My wife can't seem to decide whether or not
she wants to stay with me.
I feel like a goddamn dog,
waiting patiently for its master to return.
And I'm expected to be happy.
Ecstatic even.
Are you fucking kidding me?
We've just got married...
and there have been many times she just flats out does not want to have sex.
She'll give me a blowjob...
and it feels like she does it just to shut me up.
Yea, a real motherfucking turn-on there.
Oh, and she'll only reveal what's the real problem
after intense, continuous digging.
Great. That sounds not quite right
coming directly after talking about sex.
Ah fuck it.
So we've just got married...
and she goes away on long trips.
Oh, and when she's back,
it'll only be 2 days before Ramadhan.
That means 'no sex'... for another month.
I may not be the most pious guy around,
but I do observe the Fasting Month (and she won't, obviously).
And if I bring up sex (or lack thereof),
and her visiting her mom for such long periods...
an argument is sure to follow.
She frames demands as requests.
So in other words,
saying 'yes' is the only real answer.
I can't have frank discussions with her
about things that bother me
because if it involves something she does,
no matter how minor,
it would suddenly turn a discussion about her and her alone,
and about how I'm supposed to accept it.
For example,
in the middle of a conversation on Skype,
while I was in mid-sentence,
she heard BEEP! and proceeded to check the message,
and type a reply...
all while I was just staring at the screen like a dumbass.
THEN she proceeded to go 'Oh it's my friend'.
And because she got another message,
she went 'Sorry, one moment' while she replied.
Now I'm fine,
if you need me to hold on for a minute.
But cutting me off mid-sentence?
And then making me WAIT.
Who the fuck do you think you are?
To me that is like a slap to the face.
If we were only dating,
I would've hung up on her.
Now admittedly,
the way I responded was pretty childish.
From past experience,
I knew confronting her about it would result in an argument.
So being the genius that I am,
I then proceeded to pay very little attention to her,
while surfing and reading articles.
And when I told her why I did it.
Yep.
You guessed it.
Argument.
She started by saying that's how she'd always been (i.e. ACCEPT ME, BITCH),
and then changed tack by claiming she'd indeed asked me to hold on a minute
while she replied to her friend.
Funny how her memory changes to suit her argument.
The fact that I remember this
The fact that I'm even writing all this shit down
makes me feel like I'm goddamn petty.
And I probably am.
That's the stage we're at.
So after Ramadhan,
we're scheduled to visit her mom again in December...
this time with my family in tow.
So two weeks... no sex.
And she'd like to stay on for much longer.
I forget how long...
but I wouldn't be surprised if she returned only in February,
with a plan to return for another month or two or three a little further into the year.
-fuck.
I'd just been interrupted by my annoying, greedy, snivelling, jackass, dumbass landlord
about the washing machine.
There was a knocking sound made by the laundry,
which is normal when a heavy load hadn't been placed properly.
No big deal, and perfectly normal.
That machine was built for it.
He decided to take that as an opening
to talk about how much the electricity bill has gone up (I'd agreed to an earlier increase on the condition that he never mention it again)(he did)(the fucker),
about how my wife had washed a duvet a few months back (the machine has a DUVET SETTING, YOU MORON), and tried to blame alleged damage on that.
Yea, he's clearly seeking an excuse to kick us out,
or increase the rent.
Now I've got that to worry about as well.
Perfect.
But I digress (not for the first time, I know).
So I can't have frank discussions with her.
If I bring up sex,
an argument is not only a guarantee,
but what follows will be a guilt trip.
Or some kind of attempt at humiliation by
portraying me as some kind of jerk who demands sex all the time.
And when that happens,
you can bet your ass I am not sleeping with her.
That too, would somehow be my fault.
It's already 11pm.
I'm tired.
I'm frustrated.
I'm lonely.
Apparently I'm married.
I have the certificate and everything.
Maybe things will get better.
Maybe not.
She just texted me 'Good night'.
I am not responding.
Oh, and I'm under no illusions that if
she ever sees this post,
instead of seeing how troubled I am,
she will not only miss the point,
but she would again,
make this about how I'm 'not accepting her'.
If that happens.
I'm 99% sure we'll be through.
If I'd found out about all this while
we were dating,
I would've ditched her AGES ago.
But we never really dated.
And maybe that's a good thing.
Maybe marriage forces to work these issues out.
She could be the right person for me after all.
Or maybe I made a huge mistake.
Well enough of that
