What The Hell

So it's Monday again.
And here I am, trying to adhere to my new personal routine,
which includes a new blog post every morning before I begin doing actual work.

A sort of warm-up, if you will.
To set the mood for the day.

The plan is to spend an hour, from 8.30am to 9.30am doing this.

It is now 10am. Bah hahahahah.
Yea, I'm writing a blog post DURING OFFICE HOURS.
I'm so badass.

Every weekday I wake up and think to myself
"I really do not want to come into work today".
Every. Damn. Day.

It's not quite a lie to say that I like my job.
I do. The sales bit.
When I get to interact with customers,
and when I get to see
the more experienced Business Development guys in action and learn from them,
that's when I really enjoy my job.

But when there is no clear direction,
a lack of technical support and resources (I mean come on, STILL no fucking CRM?? COME ON),
it makes me want to quit. On the spot.

Would've done it ages ago, if only it weren't for this tiny, miniscule requirement that I tend to have from time to to time...
MONEY.

Ah well.
I'm downloading Game Maker at the moment,
hoping to get a bit of practice in each morning.

I used to think all you need is a great product to sell (like a great mobile game)...
and put in the minimum amount of effort to get that product out,
to be successful.

It's way overdue,
but I've come to realize that to wish for something like that,
would be to wish for a goddamn Arnold Schwarzengger physique
by working out 5 mins once a week and downing a protein shake right after.

Doesn't work like that.
You need to put in the effort.
Gonna be a pain in the ass,
and yea, yea... it's common sense too.

I feel like going back in time and smacking my self.
I was just a lazy asshole.

There is no easy way out.
You need to pay your dues.

Time to get to it.


Well enough of that.

Back to the Future

Or in this case, the past.
Or maybe we never really left that past.
Maybe we've been stuck in the same goddamn place for years and years,
with only our perception having been changed without our realizing it.

Or worse,
maybe we've actually regressed.

I know I have. My English is so bad,
that after only a few sentences,
I'm wondering if I've made any grammatical errors.
This is what happens when you quit sharpening your skills.
AND when you're surrounded by Singaporeans almost on a daily basis.
The latter is probably more damaging.
 But I digress.

So MDA has decided that Hey! Online news sites should be thoroughly controlled by the government as well!
And what constitutes 'news'?
WHATEVER THE FUCK THEY SAY IT DOES.

I mean, check this out:

"A “Singapore news programme” is any programme (whether or not the programme is presenter-based and whether or not the programme is provided by a third party) containing any news, intelligence, report of occurrence, or any matter of public interest, about any social, economic, political, cultural, artistic, sporting, scientific or any other aspect of Singapore in any language (whether paid or free and whether at regular interval or otherwise) but does not include any programme produced by or on behalf of the Government. "

Oh but hey, hey... no, no... you guys don't need to worry.
We're only looking at sites that publish articles more than once a week,
and get more than 50K views a month...

So don't worry, ok?

Yea, but that's not exactly what the new regulation says and-

SHUT THE FUCK UP OR WE WILL FUCK YOUR LIFE UP FOR YOU!

... but please, don't worry ok?
Great.
This is all just for the good of Singapore.

Yep.
We never really had freedom of speech to begin with.
Even before this new regulation came into effect
(which took all of what, 5, 6 days?
Who has the time to debate this shit in parliament, right?
Fuck that. Just implement it! Nobody really gives a shit),
the government already had the power to take down websites,
haul people to court for stuff they find to be... well, not nice.

For example, 'PAP no good!'
Oh shit you better start running motherfucker
because 5 mins later the entire SPF is going to be coming after your candy ass.

This begs the question.
If they already had that power,
why the need for this new regulation?

I could probably come up with the answer by digging just a little bit deeper.
But in the end, it won't make a difference.

Maybe the original law governing online 'news' sites wasn't enough to shut them down,
whenever the government feels like it.
Or maybe it didn't address the user comments (most of which are about how the PAP is full of shit),

I don't know.
It doesn't matter now.

The law has come into effect.
And in a few weeks (or less), most of the citizens would've forgotten about it.
They'll start railing against foreigners again (easy target),
or go off on minor things like how the bus stops around Singapore are not pretty enough or something like that.

They go for the easy targets.
Always.

One of the side-effects of our glorious education system: Compliance.
The sheep may get upset once in a while.
But in the end they always fall into line.

There will be no more protests. Not of the kind that matters, anyway.
Things won't change.

I need to get my act together. And fast.
The grass is always greener on the other side,
but over here on this side,
it's already brown and dry from being constantly stomped upon.

Fuck this shit.

Well enough of that.

Happy Birthday, You Son of a Bitch

Yep. It's my birthday.
31. And I'm still on a millionaire, let alone rolling in dough, all dressed up in designer suits whose names I can't pronounce...
And yea, can you believe it? No Bentley.

It's 10.30am, and I've going through caffeine withdrawal,
my head's starting to spin,
and I've got no to-do list prepared for the day, as I usually do.

Oh and yep. I am IN THE FUCKING OFFICE.

Articulating myself these days has been hard.
Out of practice and all that.

So here and now, I will attempt to do a bit of... practising.

Now don't get me wrong.
I like my boss. And I do like my job.
It's just that right now, I feel like I completely suck ass at it.

That jackass has a way of making you feel like a hungry monkey with no idea
how to peel a banana...
with a smile on his face birthed from the nice, wholesome intentions deep within his heart.

Yesterday annoyed the shit out of me.
Now I get it. Submit the Monthly Sales Report. Sure.
Part of the job.
No problem.

But here's the thing.
I speak with the client, and figure out his requirements and goals.
Then the Technical Guy comes up with the 'How': What software the client would need,
how long it would take, etc.

So now I've got a budget from the client.
And put the number into the report as part of my forecast.
He asks me what exactly I'm selling.
I tell him the Technical Guy will be coming up with the components soon.

What happens?
He goes on a mini-rant about how I should know what I'm selling.
Exactly. The components. Everything. EVEN THOUGH HE KNOWS THAT IT IS NOT MY JOB TO KNOW...
at least, not until the components have been identified by the Technical Guy.

And I should know this AT ALL TIMES (he has a habit of asking you this type of question at unexpected moments, and not giving you the time to consult your notes).
Not just this. ANYTHING at all to do with EVERY SINGLE ONE OF MY OPPORTUNITIES.
Every little motherfucking detail.

Why in the holy hell are there so many note-taking applications out there, do you think?
BECAUSE MOST PEOPLE ARE NOT WALKING COMPUTERS.
Therefore, we take FUCKING NOTES.

Give me a bit of time. Let me consult my notes, and I will be able to get you the answers.
Common sense. Severely lacking.

Anyway, I am not quite as eloquent as I would like to be.
But this is a start. I think.


Well enough of that.

 

And It's Only Wednesday

I am depressed.
Severely.
At least, that's how it feels.

So many things are going wrong on so many fronts.
Feels like I'm a house, and a number of critical pillars are falling apart simultaneously.

My English has gone down the crapper.
Again.
It's practically rubbish to me. Beyond the usual grammar and spelling errors.
Oh no.
I'm using shit that sound accurate,
but are completely out of place.

Even when I'm using slang it's wrong.
'I feel kind of wiped out'.
What?
You're either wiped out, or not. Not 'kind of'.

Even when writing formal documents,
I'm beginning to use shit that are so out of place.
And I can't even think of examples right now.
Goddammit.

I'm depressed about my work.
Not a single deal has been closed since January.
Not a single fucking one.

Oh, and I'm running out of cash, too.

My mobile game is so far from being developed,
that it seems like a distant, unlikely dream.
Forget about the fact that the whole point of it was just to get it out there.

Mobile game developers RARELY make any money.

But after my brother's operation (a brother who hates my guts, by the way),
my mom's myriad injuries, my dad nearing retirement age,
and my youngest sister still requiring a load of cash to continue her studies...
AND the fact that my wife might just be pregnant...

I'd begun to entertain thoughts of making millions from a mobile game.

Yep. That's about as likely as a Pakistani playing Batman someday.

To top it off,
I'm exhausted. Likely due to the fact that my nose allergy medication has run out,
and I'm back to getting woken up every couple of times throughout the night.

Awesome.

So what now, eh?

What?
You think I complain too much?
Come here so I can introduce your face to my chainsaw.
Come closer.
No?
Good. Now shut the fuck up.
I'll complain if I want to.

Where was I?
Oh yea.
What now?

Giving up is not an option at all.

Sure I'm depressed. But hey, when the only way is up,
at the very least the path is clear.

The journey though is going to be a major pain in the rectum.

Well enough of that.

The Haze

It's 2.30pm, and after my 2nd cup of coffee for the day,
my thought processes are in a haze.

What the hell is going on?

I am motivated (I think).
My objective to become one of THE best in my field remains firm.

But just a few hours into the day,
and already I'm wondering how the hell I'm going to navigate through the haze,
through the thick vegetation,
to get to that elusive path...

And I am worried.
Oh yes.

Not for myself.
But for Jenia.

She doesn't even want to learn about Islam,
except via fragments on some websites,
whose credibility I can't confirm.

And it's highly likely she ran into quite a number
of the Islamophobic propaganda sites.

Other than those fragments,
she also wants clear answers from me on specific things,
such as my usury is banned in Islam (and coincidentally, other major religions).

I can't remember (or maybe I never knew) the reason.
Long ago, I did my own research,
and came to the conclusion that Islam was the one true path.

And yea, I get the logic.
If you're going to follow the rules or guidelines,
at the very least know WHY you do so.

Thing is,
it's just not practical, dammit.

I did my research,
and at the time, accepted it.

What I remember is that what I learned was good enough for me.
But I can't recall EXACTLY and in detail what is it that I learned.
Only, that it was good enough for me.

It's like taking an exam for a subject, and passing it.
Then having someone come up to you years and years later,
and ask you specific questions from that exam, expecting you to have the answers.

It's just not practical.

But that's not the only thing I'm worried about.

Cash. I'm running out of it.
And I've barely made a dent in designing my first mobile game.
It's beginning to take the form of something that I might rely on,
and that's pretty damn scary.

Mobile game designers RARELY make much money.

The trick is to make a few games,
and hopefully earn a few hundred bucks overall.

That means,
maybe you'd earn $200 over 2 years from your game.

Yep. FANTASTIC.


Well enough of that

Interval

In the office, and it's not even 3.30 yet.

My head feels like it's floating,
and my  many thoughts once again feel vague,
lacking in sharp edges.
They feel like separate, wispy clouds...
stretched out, almost covering the whole sky on a bright sunny day.

I'm waiting for my technical consultant to finish transferring the VM to my laptop,
so we can finally run the demo.

Thought I'd make some conversation with another colleague...
And when I opened my mouth,
absolutely nothing of substance came out.
My mind went to sleep.
I could see myself from the outside,
thinking 'What the hell is guy on?'

And no, I wasn't nervous.
In fact, it would probably have helped if I were.

Not sure what happened, exactly.

If you're yawning by now,
I would like to thank you from the bottom of my heart for coming this far.

Now fuck off and get a life.

Started the day with the conviction that I was going to achieve greatness:
I was going to one day,
work for a huge company like Google or Facebook or IBM.

I'm going to the guy they talk about in LinkedIn articles about sales or business processes.
I'm going to be inspiration.
The one who didn't even graduate secondary school didn't let that stop me.

Earning millions of dollars and retiring early without having to work any more was my initial goal.
But that's not enough anymore.

No. I'm going to go forth and kick some ass.
Or at least give it my best shot.

No regrets.

Well enough of that

After 6 And Still Here

It's 6.18pm, and I'm still in the office.
Not that I'm working on anything particularly urgent.

Must admit, I'm a little depressed.
And paranoid.

Saw the director in a meeting room with someone,
and for some reason,
I immediately assumed he was interviewing someone for my position.

Now here's the thing.
They would be TOTALLY justified in replacing me.

Sure, their processes are crap,
and it's extremely hard to get familiar with them.

On top of that, I had zero experience in Enterprise Sales when I joined.
That means another layer of knowledge for me to push through in order to succeed.

And the most frustrating part,
is that for me, for some fucked up reason, it is extremely hard.

No matter how much I've learned,
and continue to learn,
I still feel lost in a thick forest,
with the main road barely visible and flickering in the distance.

I need to get to that road.
But every step I take doesn't seem to bring me much closer to it.

There is a little bit of progress. But I fear it may not be enough to head off getting laid off.
That last bit was pretty clever of me, right?
What?
Well fuck you.

Anyway, where was I?
Oh yea, they'd be totally justified in getting rid of me.

After all, I'd made a promise to hit the ground running.
8 months later and I've barely made any progress.

But I need the money. We need the money.
I've barely started researching game designs.
And this is my sole source of income. Without it, we're screwed.

So this is where I am.
Future looks bleak.

But if I'm going out,
I'm going with a bang.

You can get your ass I'll at least close a $200K deal before I leave.
May not seem much, but that's my target.

And when I'm gone,
who knows, things might actually get better.

After all, I thought the gig I had at Service Source was great.
And when I left, it crushed me.
I honestly believed there was a strong chance of my being destined from then onward,
to work low-paying, craptastic jobs with very little hope of advancement (it is Singapore, after all).

And here I am.
May not be perfect, but it is one hell of an improvement.

So yeah.
Time to dig in.


Well enough of that