Interval

In the office, and it's not even 3.30 yet.

My head feels like it's floating,
and my  many thoughts once again feel vague,
lacking in sharp edges.
They feel like separate, wispy clouds...
stretched out, almost covering the whole sky on a bright sunny day.

I'm waiting for my technical consultant to finish transferring the VM to my laptop,
so we can finally run the demo.

Thought I'd make some conversation with another colleague...
And when I opened my mouth,
absolutely nothing of substance came out.
My mind went to sleep.
I could see myself from the outside,
thinking 'What the hell is guy on?'

And no, I wasn't nervous.
In fact, it would probably have helped if I were.

Not sure what happened, exactly.

If you're yawning by now,
I would like to thank you from the bottom of my heart for coming this far.

Now fuck off and get a life.

Started the day with the conviction that I was going to achieve greatness:
I was going to one day,
work for a huge company like Google or Facebook or IBM.

I'm going to the guy they talk about in LinkedIn articles about sales or business processes.
I'm going to be inspiration.
The one who didn't even graduate secondary school didn't let that stop me.

Earning millions of dollars and retiring early without having to work any more was my initial goal.
But that's not enough anymore.

No. I'm going to go forth and kick some ass.
Or at least give it my best shot.

No regrets.

Well enough of that

After 6 And Still Here

It's 6.18pm, and I'm still in the office.
Not that I'm working on anything particularly urgent.

Must admit, I'm a little depressed.
And paranoid.

Saw the director in a meeting room with someone,
and for some reason,
I immediately assumed he was interviewing someone for my position.

Now here's the thing.
They would be TOTALLY justified in replacing me.

Sure, their processes are crap,
and it's extremely hard to get familiar with them.

On top of that, I had zero experience in Enterprise Sales when I joined.
That means another layer of knowledge for me to push through in order to succeed.

And the most frustrating part,
is that for me, for some fucked up reason, it is extremely hard.

No matter how much I've learned,
and continue to learn,
I still feel lost in a thick forest,
with the main road barely visible and flickering in the distance.

I need to get to that road.
But every step I take doesn't seem to bring me much closer to it.

There is a little bit of progress. But I fear it may not be enough to head off getting laid off.
That last bit was pretty clever of me, right?
What?
Well fuck you.

Anyway, where was I?
Oh yea, they'd be totally justified in getting rid of me.

After all, I'd made a promise to hit the ground running.
8 months later and I've barely made any progress.

But I need the money. We need the money.
I've barely started researching game designs.
And this is my sole source of income. Without it, we're screwed.

So this is where I am.
Future looks bleak.

But if I'm going out,
I'm going with a bang.

You can get your ass I'll at least close a $200K deal before I leave.
May not seem much, but that's my target.

And when I'm gone,
who knows, things might actually get better.

After all, I thought the gig I had at Service Source was great.
And when I left, it crushed me.
I honestly believed there was a strong chance of my being destined from then onward,
to work low-paying, craptastic jobs with very little hope of advancement (it is Singapore, after all).

And here I am.
May not be perfect, but it is one hell of an improvement.

So yeah.
Time to dig in.


Well enough of that

Stagnation

Yep.
No carpool app yet. No apps of any kind.

As a matter of fact, I've decided to make a few mobile games first,
and use that to fund my carpool app.

Not quite the amount of progress I had in mind but hey,
the train's moving along and - oh goddammit.
Just realized I hadn't even worked on my cat's story either.

Been spending a bit more time at the office lately,
due to a deal.

I've decided that although I do love sales,
their archaic processes are way too much of a pain in the ass.

From the convoluted way of approving quotes before they can be issued,
to way their whole order processing structure is set up,
all of it makes me want to punch people in the face with a shovel/chainsaw combo.

So instead of focusing on doing actual sales,
most of the time is spent with paperwork. NEEDLESS fucking paperwork.

I mean holy shit.
Get a paralegal. And a motherfucking CRM already.

Ironic how the whole sales pitch is about improving the customers' processes.
It would be like selling a washing machine,
while doing all of your laundry by hand. While naked. With a dildo stuck up your ass.

Did I have to add that last bit?
Nope.
But I did anyway. So fuck you very much, ok? OK great.


Now on the home front,
this next thing isn't exactly bad.

But I must admit,
it makes me nervous.

She's reading The Game.
And in the process, she's learning about the pickup community.

I got into the whole PUA thing a while back.
Not to sleep with women,
but to learn how to attract them, and that was it.

Learned about the different techniques,
but I've probably only practised a handful of them.

And here's the thing.
Sometimes I fall short.
Sometimes I know I should've acted a certain way, but didn't.
Or realized it only after it had happened

It's what happens when you don't practise on a regular basis,
and that's fine.

Those moments will keep coming (especially now that I take the train to work every damn day),
like little annoying reminders,
and in the process I'll improve.

But when my wife is aware of those exact same techniques,
it might magnify the effects of those moments.
Or maybe I'm just paranoid.

On the plus side,
it would DEFINITELY help her understand me better.

Plus, it kind of gives her a sort of defence against assholes trying to get with her.

You know what?
Doesn't seem so bad after all.


The end of this post feels like
the ending of some feel-good Disney movie.
Fucking Disney.

Well enough of that.

 

Slow-Moving

Things are moving along at the same pace.
Talk about frustrating.

But the most frustrating of all,
is seeing the lack of advancement.

Personally, professionally.

Oh hell, even now, I find it hard to put words together to form proper sentences.
But it's not just a matter of forming sentences now.
My mind feels once again,
as if it is behind a grey cloud.

There are vague thoughts swimming around up there,
and I can't seem to get them to connect with each other,
to form clearly-defined figures, which can then be expressed through words.

I don't feel too tired,
but I suspect that I am.

The pace needs to be picked up.
And I need to be more disciplined.

Might just abandon my Carpool app idea.
Or make something that blows everyone else away.
I will make that decision by the end of this post.

As for the kids' story of my cat,
I will aim to finish it this Friday night. No more delays.

My lack of articulation is killing me.
It's so hard to focus.
Even now, I keep thinking of what apps I can create.

I know... I know... so much bitching.
But hey, it's my motherfucking blog...
so if you don't like it,
kindly shave your head,
apply a generous amount of Vasoline,
find a great big fat cow (or goat),
and stick your head directly up its asshole.

Do it.
Now.

Anyway, I've decided.
I will create an app that will blow the competition right out of the water.
And add more capabilities to it, to expand beyond just Carpool.
Or maybe at the end of the development, I'll end up making a completely different app.

It's so tempting to try and come up with a simple app,
and hope that it will be successful.
But this is what I'd like to do.
This weekend, I will be testing the existing apps, learning from them.
And then it will be my turn.

Well enough of that

Stuttering

Week has not been going along well so far.
Not just peachy.
Even a little frustrating.

Where the hell am I?
The plan was to write something, anything, each night,
to improve on my English, not to mention articulation.
Am I even saying it correctly?
Are those two the same thing? Goddammit. I'm not even sure anymore.

Been a while since I've revised what little I've learned about Russian,
and the one or two new words I've learned since then is absolutely pathetic.

Oh yea, and I'm just starting a new routine today,
without getting enough sleep the night before (or the night before then).

My brain's cloudy, I can barely see the words I need to use even for this fucking post.

Work makes me feel  like a piece of driftwood,
floating down the river...

And I almost forgot to mention this.
Last night, she caught me looking at an old video posted on Dailymotion.
I was curious and bored, and had just had a conversation with Jill.

Of course, NATURALLY she had to come and take a look at it.
Before I even got a chance to view (or more importantly close it),
she saw what it was.

A naked chick. Well, two naked, Asian chicks.
And instead of just brushing it off,
I actually tried a number of excuses...
until I finally admitted.

Me. Admitting.
Sure, it was a little embarrassing. But hey, you just move on.

Why the fuck did I even try to justify it.
Here I was, thinking I was over shit like that.

It's time to re-learn the 77 Rules.

So yep. Stuttering is one hell of an understatement.

I could continue being frustrated,
and bitch and moan for as long as I want...

Or I could stop being a dumbass,
and make improvements.

Time to move forward.

Well enough of that

Back In The Gulag- Er, I mean Office

Ok, ok... 

a little too dramatic.

Hell, the office is a pretty nice place compared to a gulag.

I'm pretty sure.

Like, 70% sure.

Ahh... what the fuck am I bitching about.

Sheesh.

Just came back after a long weekend,

and it's a freakin' Wednesday,

'Bicep day', my favourite workout day.

And of course,

OF COURSE, I feel exhausted.

Jenia was having her period,

and I had an extra two days to catch up on my sleep.

And what the FUCK DID I DO?

Wasted myself away eating chocolate,

and STILL trying to fool around with Jenia...

She's the sweetest,

kindest, most sensitive girl I know

(yeah, yeah... shut the fuck up).

So naturally,

in the span of two-odd months of being married,

I've made her cry twice.

That's right.

Once a month, SHE CRIES.

And yea,

she can be a little too sensitive sometimes...

But the shit that came out of my mouth.

My fucking loud mouth and gigantic ego.

And over little things, too.

I didn't lose my shit and start screaming or anything...

But I did something worse.

I expressed just a little bit of anger,

annoyance at what seem to her RANDOM THINGS.

In a twisted corner of my mind (I realized how fucking stupid it was, when I was trying to rationalize it),

I was losing 'social value' or 'demonstrating lower value' by not taking charge

of say, what dish I wanted, or letting her decide which direction to go...

And by 'demonstrating lower value', I was going to lose her.

Ironic thing is,

by getting upset over the little things...

random shit...

I run the very REAL risk of losing her.

Hell, if I had to tip-toe around my wife all the goddamn time,

I'd end up leaving, too.

And that's the thing.

By getting upset over random things, she needs to do that.

She assures me she doesn't,

but after the second time, 

I wouldn't be able to avoid doing it myself.

Tip-toe around me. Watch every little thing she says.

Like I'm a fragile, porcelain doll.

Fucking stupid.

A part of me feels like I'm ruining her life.

She got herself a damaged husband.

It's still early days of course,

and I'm working on changing.

Writing this down,

and leaving it here will hopefully make it easier for me (and her) to move on.

Goddammit I need to get my act together.

Hitting the gym tonight would be a good start.

Well enough of that

Rush Hour

It's 10am in the office,
and the amount of work I've done
is equal to the amount of snow that has fallen in Singapore the past year.

If you're still trying to figure out what that means,
then please,
run at full speed into a concrete wall.
You'll be doing yourself a favour, trust me.

I'm tired...
exhausted, really.

Mentally, and physically.

Now don't get me wrong,
I love the technology, and the actual work itself.
Problem is, there just isn't enough for me to do.

And while my director is a pretty cool guy,
once the CEO realizes I'm dead weight,
I'm probably gone.
Gotta say though,
if I were in his position, I'd do the EXACT same thing.

There's also the fact that I feel like I'm stagnating.
Going nowhere, career-wise.

I kind of feel the same way personally, too.
My English has suffered, not to mention my conversational skills.

Was speaking with a girl this morning,
and goddammit I almost reached a point where I had nothing to say.

At least the anxiety has not returned.
That's a good thing.

There's a shitload more to talk about,
but being in the office,
and not being the owner of the company,
makes it slightly less convenient to spend a long-ass time on your blog.

There are a few positives, though.
Every day, I will learn something new, something practical.
Russian, or about GIS.
Doesn't matter.
There must be progress.

And my arm has healed...
so later tonight, I'll be back in the gym.

Oh yea.

Now if you've had enough...
kind go forth and fuck yourself in the ass.


Well enough of that