Fuming

It's 10.14am on the work computer,
and I've got a ton of shit to get through,
especially my leave application for our upcoming three-week stay in Korea.

But I'm fuming.
It's been such a long time since
I've been this angry after reading an article.

Usually I try and not let it affect me as much.
There's so much misery in the world,
from Palestine to Syria to Singapore and every place in between.

Maybe it's because I'd been holding it in,
subconsciously pushing it down,
assuming all that shit doesn't really get to me.

But when I read this article about
a ranch in Texas where boys as little as FIVE YEARS OLD
were horribly abused in all kinds of ways,
I started seeing red.
I wish to be in a room with those fucking
brave and honourable adult men and women
who abused those kids.
Let's see how you stack up against me you motherfuckers.
The whole lot of you, you fucking cunts.

Here's the link to the article about the Cal Farley's Ranch:
https://www.theguardian.com/us-news/2017/dec/20/texas-cal-farleys-boys-ranch-stories


And it's still up and running.
Not just that, but thriving!

Regular donations from rich motherfuckers
keep it going.

They've acknowledged
that the abuse had occurred,
but have refused to issue even a simple apology to the victims.

Hell, they're even naming a new dormitory after
one of the abusers.

These were CHILDREN.

Oh and sure,
they claim that the ranch follows best practices now.
Yep.
No abuse is taking place at all.
NO SIR.

Hey hold on a second.
Isn't that what they claimed in the past, too?
From the 1950's all the way to 1990's.

What, are the fine moral upstanding citizens
of Texas going to wait until 50 years later
before acknowledging the abuses happening now?
Because I have little fucking doubt
children are still being tortured there on a daily basis.
Maybe in a more discreet fashion, sure.
Restrict the rapes to late nights,
you know what I mean?
Be more classy about it.

Hell, I wouldn't be surprised
if those wealth motherfucking donors
help themselves to a fine selection of boys
when the fancy strikes them.

Motherfucker.

Well enough of that.

Danger

It's almost 11am,
and as usual I'm struggling
to focus on work
while waiting for a call that could come at any time from a client.

So two days ago,
there was a huge argument at home
between mainly me and my mom, dad, brother.

It started out in the typical stupid
way arguments with them start:
My wife had requested that my mom
help with cleaning that dishes (usually her own)
that tend to fill up the sink and get left there for hours and hours and hours,
making it extremely difficult to cook and clean our daughter's milk bottles.

My wife usually cleans it up for them,
but after five years,
it had gotten to the point where my mom and brother would
just leave their goddamn dishes in there
and not clean up after themselves,
forcing her to clean it for them.
Not so much as a thank-you was given,
This is in addition to the overall mess (mainly caused by my mom) in the kitchen.

And all of the above,
is just a tiny part of the things my mom and brother do,
the way they try and impose themselves on her.
I want to say that they were doing it subconsciously,
but since it's been brought up numerous times,
yea definitely not.
More likely they just couldn't give a shit
so long as it's convenient for them.

But hey, fine.
Back to the argument.
So what sparked it this time?
My mom's comment to a simple request for help
was to tell my wife to either get a maid or not to complain.
Holy fucking shit.

Over the years,
I've realized that speaking with her
won't change anything.
The excuses do change,
but the outcome is always the same.

So instead,
I would've just gladly settled for an admission
and an apology.

She can't even do that.
So we argue.
And I tell my brother to fucking clean up after himself
as he walks by,
then it really went off the rails.

He told me to shut up,
and my dad and mom immediately
began rushing to his defence.
And we're not talking about listening to two sides
and coming to a settlement.

It's basically telling me to shut the hell up.
And even threatening to call the police on me.
Calling me crazy.
It's enough to make you question yourself.
Fortunately this time my wife was there
so she could see for herself.

All those years I'd be alone,
and end up wondering if the problem was me.

You even question your own sanity.
I think I avoided that by starting to break
down incidents to see what happened,
to try and take the emotions out of it.

It almost always begins with their
trying to take something of mine without permission,
to impose on me something that they would like to do.

Same thing here.
It started out with the fucking dishes.
I mean is it really so goddamn hard to clean up after yourselves?

The next morning after I'd left for work,
my mom of course started arguing again with my wife
even after my wife had made it clear she didn't want to talk with her.

As I'm writing this,
I realize that there needs to be so much more written for the sake of context.
The history, the lies my family would tell about me,
the aggravations,
the physical and verbal and mental abuse.

But I don't have much time unfortunately,
so I'll just get to the point.

After that argument,
my wife and my mom kind of made peace (of course,
without resolving the main issue by having her agree to clean up after herself).

My brother came along,
and later my dad.
And together with my mom,
they tried to paint a fake, horrifying picture of me.
Like, if you heard this,
you'd want me to be locked up.

I was this violent,
abusive person.
I had hit him for no reason.
I was the cause of his spinal problem for which he had to get surgery.
According to my brother (and my parents),
I'd beat him up so badly that he needed surgery.

Never mind that he told a completely different story before.
That he'd gotten the surgery when my wife and I were living separately in Pasir Ris.
Never mind the fact that there are no hospital records,
no police reports, nothing.

Never mind the fact that I'm like twice his size,
and if I really wanted to,
I could've destroyed him.
You'd get it if you could see the size difference between us.

Even after all that,
I still wracked my brains.
Did I ever black out or something?
We've fought before as siblings do,
but I've always held back.
Was there a really bad fight where something like this happened?
I mean at the very least I would remember the ambulance, right?
It's not like they'd leave him crumpled on the floor or anything
if it were that serious.

That's the thing about false accusations.
Even after everything,
you still end up second-guessing yourself.

It was a lie.
A disgusting lie that could ruin my life,
and the lives of my wife and daughter.

Even another fucking story
about how I threw a punch for no reason.
Really?
Let's try and take them at their word for a second.
For no reason.
Does that sound realistic?
What kind of image does that paint?
Like they are all constantly huddled in a corner,
trying to avoid the big, violent psychopath when he comes home?

Yes.
For no reason.
If you're going to lie,
lie better, you know?
Think of a story.
People dig stories.

Have I thrown a punch before?
Yep.
BROTHERS FIGHT.
But I've always held back.
And yep,
he has punched me before too.
And kicked me, while they were holding me.
And slapped my face.
Even after all that,
I still held back.

And of course they forget all the shit they did to me,
the beatings up until what, maybe 10 years ago?
Oh they like to bring up the past
as if that's what turned me into the monster that they say I am.

Conveniently sidestepping all the shit they pull today.
Like the fucking mess they create every fucking day
that they expect my wife to clean up after
without so much a motherfucking thank-you.
Like the rudeness that they displayed.
Like the time they keep trying to
touch my daughter the way I'd banned them from doing.
The way they tried (and probably do behind my back)
to feed her sugar despite our telling them not to.
Little things and big things over a period of years.

They even tried to warn my wife that I'd get violent towards her.
As if I'm like my parents,
or their own abusive parents and siblings.

There has got to be a word or phrase for this.
Something like "mob mentality" or "gang mentality".
I think they actually believe it too.
It's like they kept spreading the lies in their own circle
over and over again until it became "truth".

And most people think I exaggerate until
they experience it themselves.
After all the shit that's happened,
at least my wife and my other brother's soon-to-be-ex-wife
understand since they too have experienced the same thing.

The worst part?
We may have to move out and break off contact completely,
which is something I am considering seriously now.

Singapore has around a 99% conviction rate.
Easily "solved" cases contribute towards career advancement for officers and prosecutors.

I'd been accused before
and despite video evidence I was still railroaded into a confession.

But an accusation from a family,
with a few "witnesses"?
I'd get convicted even without proper evidence.
Hell, I can guarantee that if they were asked proper questions,
the lie would be exposed,
but what would it take?
I'd have to be arrested first,
so no money for my wife and daughter.
Then I'd have to have someone post bail.
My wife doesn't have any assets.
I'd also lose my job at this point.

And without a lawyer,
your trial date tends to get delayed time and time again
(not sure if this is still the case, but I've got no reason to believe it's changed).

So what, a trial after one year in jail?
Maybe two? Maybe longer?
All this while, who knows what would happen to my wife?
My mom would love it of course.
To be able to fully control someone.
She's trying to arrange for my incarcerated brother's Indonesian wife
to come to Singapore,
while keeping the fact that her husband's in prison a secret from her parents,
who will be moving to Surabaya from Batam (a goddamn far distance) permanently.

When she's in Singapore,
she will be solely reliant on her for money and accommodation.

And my mom will abuse her,
I just know it.
It'll take time,
but she will get there.
And this time,
the girl won't have a husband around to defend her.

Anyway, conviction or not,
my family is fucked.

And they can throw out this accusation any time.
Hell, my younger brother does interviews
with the media about his company from time to time.
And if he lies to them about me,
my career could be in ruins.
And what am I going to do?
Sue?
Guess who'll go to his defence?
Forget the potential criminal case,
a civil case with "witnesses"?
I'd lose in a heartbeat.

No.
We need to sever contacts with this toxic group.
I don't know what the fuck is wrong with them
or how they got there.
But they are a danger to us.

And I hate this because my daughter
will lose people that she loves.
Her grandmother, grandfather,
uncles and aunts.
She doesn't know yet what they're like.
Maybe it's best that way.

Well enough of that.

No Safe Ground

This is going to be a short one,
and I've got a few thoughts swirling around in my head right now.
It feels like I'm trying to catch ghost fish or something.

Where to begin?
Oh yea, why not with white privilege?
And in Singapore's case, Chinese privilege as well.

I swear man,
for the ones in denial about its existence,
even if every single one of them were never arrested, accosted, discriminated against
based on the colour of their skin, checked by security at airports and all the other things
that minorities have to deal with on a much more frequent basis,
if you happened to come across a story in a remote corner of the world where a white girl
was briefly mistaken by the police to be brown or something and then let go immediately
once the officers realized the mistake they'd made...
All those people would be frothing at the mouth,
jumping up and down like enraged apes
claiming that "If white privilege exists, THEN WHY WAS SHE STOPPED??"

You can roll out as many statistics and facts as you want,
and they don't seem to be interested.
Nope.
So long as 100% of them don't get what they perceive to be
100% of the privileges in their imaginary list...
then they'll continue denying the very existence of white privilege.

The arguments tend to go nowhere.
So when I decide to engage,
it's less to convince them,
but to convince whoever is watching.

When you see the repeated denials,
the deflections,
and downright lies,
then hopefully you'll at the very least decide to investigate for yourself.

Well enough of that.

In a Rut

It's been a while,
and I feel it, I really do.
Even that tiny sentence
made me struggle,
and I gave up on trying to describe just how the feeling is
the way I originally wanted to.

And that's not the only thing.

Maybe its the weather,
or the realization about just how far I am from
making the first sale of both fish and software,
but the motivation is just not there.
I feel like going back home,
and setting up the ol' Xbox and just playing and doing nothing.
But that'd probably end up making me depressed,
the way the lack of money with a family to support tends to.

I'm still pretty far off when it comes to my fitness goals as well.
And I've realized that the weight needs to come off.
Bulking can come later.
But it'll never really come without my being able to sleep
peacefully without a fucking blocked nose and snoring so loudly that I wake myself up.

The way out is clear,
from where I stand.

Quit wasting time on Youtube.
Don't run away from the problems you've got to solve.
And for fuck's sake,
quit blaming other people for your own procrastination.

The time is now.
Now.
Now.

It's hard to drag yourself out of the mud.
O GOD, it really is.

But I've got to.

Oh yea and almost forgot.
I should start keeping a physical diary.
One day all this will be gone.
Paper will (hopefully) last longer.
And while I'm mainly looking to keep this for my daughter,
for her to know who I really am... warts and all.
But it'd be nice to have something our grandkids could read.
I wish my grandparents had kept diaries, too.
Or maybe they did,
and I've got no idea.

Time to get to it.

Well enough of that.

Privilege

This won't be a long post.
I'm probably coming down with something.
Couldn't even get to 54 push-ups in the 2nd round,
despite resting for more than 30 seconds.
Goddamn.
This day is not starting off well.

There are a number of deals which
should have already been closed,
and I've got so many calls to make,
but can't even motivate myself to read the emails.
Oh yea, and I've got to delay a meeting with a really nice client
for a demo session.

On top of all of that,
I've yet to practise my Russian,
and hell, haven't even finished a single Russian alphabet poster.

I almost feel like I'm drowning.
But we need the apartment,
not just to improve the relationship with my mom,
but also for our sanity.
The Littlest Dictator will need her own space.
And she'll need safety,
and seems increasingly clear to me
that the only true safe place is in wealth.
Massive amounts of wealth.

You can be black or brown and nobody
fucks with you if you're filthy rich.
It's a fucked up world, sure.
But it's the one we're in.

Which brings me to something
that's been annoying - almost infuriating - me
the past couple of days.

Fucking White people who deny the existence
of White Privilege,
simply because some they and some other White people
don't get just... everything. 

Like the fucking arguments these cocksuckers
put forth after the tragic shooting in Las Vegas.
Journalist Shaun King correctly pointed out
how the terms used to describe the shooter
and other similar White shooters are vastly different
from how non-White shooters described.

They are portrayed as lone wolves,
or mentally-ill, or something else
that always puts emphasis on how
their behaviour is not "normal",
about how this is not how most White people act or think.

Basically White people as a group are not responsible.
Which of course is the way it should be.

But if the shooter were Black or Muslim then holy crap!
Even if you're hundreds of miles away and have nothing
at all to do with that, if you're a person of colour,
you better watch your back,
especially if most of the victims were White.

Entire communities get blamed.
Something must be wrong with "their culture", you see.
Therefore, something must be done about "them".

No White person needs to look
over their shoulder after reading the news about the shooting,
other than maybe to look out for other White shooters.

No fear of retaliation,
or discrimination.

Nope.
You mourn (maybe),
then move on.

But according to the racist dumb fucks
who claim there is no such thing as "White Privilege",
the fact that White people were also amongst the victims
proves that it doesn't exist.

How fucking crazy/stupid is that?
Let's break it down to something simple.

Let's say you're boarding an airplane.
And without paying extra,
you get to choose your seat before anyone else,
get free meals and other little perks
that others do not have access to.

And you got to pay for your ticket
at a lower amount that everyone else.

But because you had to pay at all,
you start exclaiming that you've got
zero privileges.

People would rightfully point out
how fucking stupid and delusional you are.

Just you because you don't get fucking everything
doesn't mean you don't have any privileges.

Oh, and this applies to "Chinese Privilege" in Singapore as well.
And you encounter the same exact stupidity and racism and ignorance as well.

Fucking racists.

Well enough of that.

The Rush

It's October,
and I've got only a short window of time
to raise the amount I need for the down payment
of the types of apartments I'd like to get.

I mean yea sure,
I can always go with an HDB,
and get stuck with it for 5 goddamn years,
even if I lose my job or face any other type of financial difficulty.
Can't lease it out,
not the whole thing anyway.
There's probably now a restriction on leasing out the rooms
without your actually residing in the apartment as well.

Well technically,
I won't be completely stuck with it.
Oh no.
If things really get bad,
I can always sell it back to HDB... likely at a loss.
If they even allow you to offload it in the first place.

Oh, and of course,
during that whole time,
we'll have to endure the fucking joss paper burnings.
The smoke clogging the air,
the stench entering your home even with closed windows.
And if you're really unlucky,
you could be surrounded by
several families that burn on a regular fucking basis.

Religious freedom my ass.
I swear if you start making them responsible
for the clean-up and to take out insurance to cover
any fire or property damage cause by their burnings,
then I can guarantee you that the air would clean up in a hurry.

Find some way to hold them responsible.

But nope.
I've learned that "religious freedom"
here basically means that the majority get
to impose themselves and their practices upon the minorities.

Sure, from time to time
the authorities will crack down on
super fucking obvious racism on curbs
on religious freedom.
Ever heard of the Westboro Baptist Church?
Yea, it's really easy to oppose those assholes.
But the more subtle forms of racism?
Nah.
Privilege must be preserved, you see.

So yea, here I am.
Trying to find a way to find other ways to raise money,
to get the down payment covered.

I'm dealing with a goddamn idiot,
a big talker who
doesn't use email unless it's a deal is close to completion.
What a fucking dumbass.

Well enough of that.

What. The. Fuck.

My English AND Malay are going to shit.
Soon I'll probably be speaking and writing
a hybrid language that no one will understand...
and I'll get pissed off with those people for being "idiots".

Anyway, still here.
Still forming semi-coherent sentences.
So the boat is still floating, for now.

Lately I've been thinking
a lot about earning $20-$30K a month,
so I can afford a nice apartment in the Marina Bay area.
No.
A goddamn penthouse.
A huge one.
With a lawn in which I'll plant a Magnolia tree or two in.

Hey man, hey.
I'm reasonable.
It doesn't HAVE to be in the Marina Bay area, sure.
But the place needs to have nice parks
and wide open sidewalks for the Littlest Dictator and my wife.

Doing it mainly for them.
I could probably live in a fucking hut.

But sometimes I get
hit by memories of how I lived in a tiny apartment,
and had to get up early in the morning and take a cold shower sometimes.

How uncomfortable it was for me to go to school,
how much I hated it.
Not because of the studying,
but everything else around it.
From the journey,
to the social interactions,
to the punishments I'd get for arriving late.

I know... I know... that's part of everyday life.
But there were so many unnecessary pressures, and pain.

We didn't have the money.
We weren't dirt poor,
but I realize now that we were.

And I'm desperate to make sure
my little girl doesn't live that kind of life.

Every day we live with my parents,
in another step towards that kind of life
and it scares me.
I mean it's fucking crazy.
I'm earning significantly more than the average Singaporean.
And yet here I am,
still stuck in a room with my parents and siblings,
a small crisis away from sucking my family and I
back into that old life.

No.
Not going to happen.

Well enough of that.

Slow Descent

Met up with a friend recently,
and found it really hard to form proper,
coherent, grammatically-correct sentences.

Could have something to do with the fact
that not only am I exhausted,
but I've got a ton of crap on the mind.

From the shit that's happening with
that fucking greedy lying Kenyan,
to designing posters,
to trying to work on the
the content for a few important prospects.

I find myself being mired
in procrastination.

Hell, even writing this is a form of procrastination...
and I 'd been putting it off, too!

Goddammit.

I have a to-do list.
I need to follow it.

Commit to a time,
and get the shit done.

Well enough of that.

No Longer Home

It's Monday,
and my nose is running like
it's in the final stretch of a half-marathon.

A ton of stuff to do,
and yet I can't shake this feeling.
This thought I've been having.
Singapore is no longer home.
Or should no longer be my home in the future.

Aside from the ubiquitous cameras
at fucking bus stops and HDB estates,
they've also announced plans to make payment options
for public transportation completely cashless by 2020.
Something along those lines at least.

This is of course apart from the
intended launch of ERP 2 soon,
where every vehicle will be tracked in real-time.

Add to this the recent changes to the law
which further restrict free speech,
and it feels like I'm living in a very nice cage.

So long as you behave,
and say what you're supposed to,
and think what you're supposed to,
then everything will be fine.

I can't type for much longer,
so I'll end it with this:
It is time to move on.
Question is, where?

Well enough of that.

Groggy

So lately I've been missing out on a lot of sleep.
While I'm able to function,
I find myself trying to form coherent sentences...
and ending up mangling my grammar instead.

Weird shit too.
Can't really think of something
right now because you know,
I'm fucking sleepy.

Anyway, I've finally received enough information
to launch the ecommerce site for the annual Qurban.
... and I'm hesitating.
Procrastinating.

I mean hell, man.
I don't have the list of places they'll donate the meat to...
but that doesn't mean I can't set the site up yet.
Why the hell am I so reluctant to spend just
a few measly dollars on a domain name and Shopify account?
Fear of failure?
Laziness?

Goddammit I really need to snap the hell out of this.

Well enough of that.

Pissed Off in Ramadhan

I'm out of practice.
3 months of just relaxing in Korea,
and two weeks of commuting by car for my new job,
and I'd forgotten the little annoying things that
assholes do in public that piss me the hell off.

And when you're out of practice,
those things take you by surprise,
and you don't act the way you should.
The way that doesn't make you wish
you'd acted differently,
that you'd been stepped on.

There are extremes of course.
But in past,
I've noticed people (young women in particular)
who get in your way while you're walking in the opposite direction...
and expect YOU to get out of the way,
as if they're goddamn royalty.

They're not.
And I'm big enough to make sure that
if there is a collision,
hey, they bear the brunt of it.

But like I said,
I'm out of practice.
So when I was walking near the office
and this happened,
I actually moved out of the way at the last minute.

Annoyed the hell out of me.

But it's slowly starting to get better.

Doesn't compare to what happened to today
on a day out with The Littlest Dictator, though.

First, I didn't intervene when a toddler took
a toy that she was playing with.
Now he did it slowly,
and in front of her,
so I thought she was OK with it.
But she wasn't.

And instead of just taking it back from
the kid (and explaining that he could have it once she was done with it),
or even getting the parent to get the kid to return it,
I just stood there like an idiot,
until she turned her interest to something else.
And I felt fucking RELIEF.
Then tried to justify to myself why I didn't do anything.

The message I sent her was fucked up.
That it was OK for others to take their stuff from her,
that they have more rights.
That's not something I'm OK with.
And like a goddamn pussy,
I even tried to justify why I didn't do anything.

Next time, if the parent's around I'll look at them first
to see if they'll do anything.
If they don't,
I'll just take it myself.
And I'll weather the storm for her.
If the parents want kick up a big fuss,
hey, that's what all the weightlifting is for.
They can suck it.
In fact, I'll be happy to have at least one incident
to use as a reference in the future.
I might come out looking ugly,
but if I don't face things like that, I'll never learn.
And she'll feel like she's being stepped on.

But that wasn't all.
We were at the promenade,
when a cunty bitchwhore decided to smoke nearby.
Now to be fair,
she probably would've moved further away if I'd asked.

Like the idiot that I am,
not only did I play out all kinds of scenarios in my head,
but I kept hesitating on going over to her.
And when I'd finally decided to do so,
I kept getting interrupted by Jenia and The Littlest Dictator herself.
You know, the ones I were supposed to spend some time with.

Instead, I lost my nerve,
and somehow convinced myself that it was too late to approach (which is really just pussying out).
And to make things worse,
I'd somehow almost convinced myself that it was because
I kept getting interrupted.
Passing on the blame.

I could've wiped away her sweat first
and then walked over.
Could've just waited a few moments.
But nope.
Just walked away all frustrated,
and almost took it out on Jenia,
who thought I was pissed off with her.
I was really just pissed off with myself.

And then...
AND FUCKING THEN
I tried to justify why we were walking away...
like my manhood was all shriveled up
and trying to escape,
and I was making a feeble attempt at trying to
get it to come back and stay.

NO MOTHERFUCKER.
Just. Fucking. No.

The fact that it still bothers me
even now tells me that I should've
gathered my balls and at least said something.

I know what to fucking do,
goddammit.

And if they kick up a big fuss
or try to start a fight,
I'll just congratulate them sarcastically
and walk away the bigger man for
avoiding the conflict,
thus actually "winning".
The point is to turn out looking better.

I'm out of practice,
but at least now I know what I have to do.

And besides,
if anybody wants to throw down
and makes the first move,
I'm more than happy to put them down.

I should start taking the train more often.
Speaking up more often.

Well enough of that.

Another Goddamn Racist Incident in Singapore

It's 10.31am,

and I'm in the office,

and I'm a little sleepy and my fingers are slow to type.

My mind feels sluggish,

and ideas don't come forth as quickly as I'd like them to.

But yea,

I'm still going to post about this,

because fuck it.

Someone once said that you do not have a right to your opinion,

only what you are able to argue for.

And I agree.

I've just read a really good article 

on racism in Singapore media when 

it comes to depicting minorities.

This came about because a Singaporean actor of Indian descent (I forget his name),

had recently complained about being asked to speak 

with a thicker Indian accent during an audition for a local comedy film 

(Boys 2 Men 2 or something I don't fucking know).

And of course a goddamn racist piece of trash blogger

whom I'd already forgotten about had to rear her ugly poodle-like,

bleached face and chime in.

Like the typical Chinese supremacist in Singapore,

she pretty much used the same arguments White supremacists use

against minorities when they speak up against discrimination.

The message was basically this:

Shut the hell up and know your place. 

His objection was mainly about how he was asked to 

portray a stereotypical Indian Singaporean that speaks with a thick accent,

which is what Chinese Singaporean audiences apparently find hila-fucking-rious.

His normal Singaporean accent wasn't enough.

Nope.

Not funny.

A thick Indian accent is funny.

It's how most Indians in Singapore speak you see,

and it is considered to be FUNNY.

How the fuck is that not racist?

It's putting emphasis on the otherness

of Indians (same applies to other minorities).

That they are not really Singaporean.

That there's something off about them.

Growing up,

I did not know that some Chinese parents

would prevent their kids from playing with

Indian or Malay kids,

that they'd make casual remarks or jokes

which reinforce the idea that "those people"

are somehow different,

and more importantly,

inferior.

I did remember jokes

about dark skin as a kid,

and it makes me cringe

thinking about how I used to find it funny.

I wish I'd known what those jokes were really about back then,

about the impact they had.

I know better now.

And the least I could do is speak up about it.

So back to that idiot Xiaxue

who looks like a potato that someone covered

with lead white paint and red lipstick.

She began not only drudging up

his past work and calling him a hypocrite,

but also seemed to take pleasure in

what she thinks is her role in destroying his career. 

First of all dumbass,

what he's done in the past

has no bearing on the argument itself.

It's a fucking strawman.

Not that her equally stupid fans would know what that is.

The role he was auditioning for

was for a typical Indian Singaporean. 

Which is what he is.

But it looks like the producers were

looking for a typical Indian Singaporean

viewed through the lens of what they think

is the racist Chinese majority.

Minorities don't talk in a "funny"

way, and they don't have "weird" habits

or are more dangerous or stupid or whatever the fuck your parents

taught you they were when you were little.

They're just like you and I.

But racists - Chinese supremacists - can't see that.

Or don't want to see it that way.

I kind of get it.

If you have an advantage in a society,

why give it up?

Why not preserve it for your kids too?

I get that.

Just admit you're a fucking racist asshole.

Be honest about it.

I can at least respect that.

The honesty.

Not the racism. It's still fucking stupid.

But pretending to be a decent human being?

Pretending that you're just "telling the truth".

Give me a fucking break.

Goddammit

It's Friday,
the eve of the fasting month.

I'm trying to make sense of what I'm going through right now.
I've got a decent job. No, a GOOD fucking job.
I'm making six figures.

And when I signed the contract,
I was hoping to make it my final sales role,
where I'll be staying the longest,
before properly launching my side project (if it even takes off).

But after the first sales meeting and a call with a legitimate prospect,
I realize just how rusty I am.
Or was I never really good at it in the first place?
I'm excellent at selling myself and my abilities that's for sure.
Well, fairly decent I think.
Hell, I got this gig, didn't I?

But with my dad retiring,
and our planning for an apartment,
on top of applying for citizenship for her after six months...
I don't know man,
maybe the stress of it is getting to me.

The meeting didn't bother me as much
as the call with Park Hotel Group.
Sure it was a junior person,
but I didn't quite ask the right questions
and at one point,
didn't even know what to really ask at all.

Sure, I could be out of practice.
But the fact that I've spoken with two prospects (no wait, fucking THREE)
and haven't been able to even ask the right questions,
makes me question myself.

What the fuck am I doing?

Hell, I even considered just... coasting.
Lasting long enough to be able to launch that project I'd been thinking of.

Not going to do that.
Fuck no.

But the fact that I thought of it this early on,
just two weeks in?

Holy crap is that disturbing.

I'll have to get it together.
Plan the next steps.
Be OK with losing a few deals or asking the wrong questions.

Revise the fucking SPIN training methodology.

As soon as I close my first deal,
It'll probably be fine.

Well enough of that.

Is the Other Show Dangling Already?

Call me paranoid if you want,
but I'm still expecting the shoe to drop.

Today has been pretty good so far, though.
Managed to get a carpool driver
who works and lives near me,
and who has agreed to become my regular driver.

Pretty sweet arrangement,
except for the cost  that is.
Might be able to reduce it somewhat though, hopefully.

This is a step up from what happened recently.
I'd taken Ryde, not only was the driver an annoying fucktwat
who wouldn't shut the fuck up,
but he also got lost on the way to pick up another passenger.

Then, he chose to disregard the GPS and our recommendation
to take the PIE, and chose his own route,
leading to a much longer route overall.

A ride that should've taken 30-40 mins at most,
ended up being about an hour and 15 minutes long.
And then, this fucking cunt had the audacity to ask me via SMS
give him a rating of 5 stars.

Gave him 3 stars, which was generous.
And what did that piece of shit do?
He gave me 1 star, which tanked my rating
and helped to explain why I couldn't get a single ride yesterday through Ryde.

Ryde's not helping much either.
Not only am I not able to alter my review of that cowardly cockgobbler,
but Ryde has yet to respond to my email or chat message (with a fucking bot that pretends to be human).

I'm giving them the benefit of the doubt for now,
until maybe the end of the day. Otherwise I'll just post on social media,
spread the word, and never use their shitty little app again.

There's always Uber and Grab and I wouldn't
be surprised if other players pop up over time.

If they end up being cunts as well,
I'll be so happy to put them out of business with my own public transportation project
which I hope to launch in a year or two.

As for the job,
it's getting boring and my mind wanders often.
A lot to read and a lot to learn,
none of it fun.

So far so good, though.
But it feels like the shoe is about to hit the floor at any time.

Well enough of that.

Final Gig (Kind Of)

So today I started work at a company which will hopefully
be the final place where I'll be in a sales role
in a company that isn't mine.
Any role, actually.

This place does seem promising,
and I intend to give it my all and hopefully stay on for many years.

Doesn't mean that I won't try
to start my own thing within the next couple of months.

All I need to do is last at least six months,
and I'll be able to achieve quite a few objectives:

• Get an apartment which I hope to lease out, starting another revenue stream which I hope will allow me to get yet another apartment for us to live in
• Allow her to apply for citizenship (finally)
• Run a qualification campaign for my "Cheap Public Transportation" business idea (I don't have a proper name for it yet so shut up)

And I intend to stay on for all of that. 

If the business idea takes off, 

I intend to find someone to run it for me.

Things are looking very promising right now,

and I know how fortunate I am.

A little apprehensive too, 

sort of like waiting for the other shoe to drop.

But yea, 

I know I can't go through life being so skeptical. 

Self-fulfilling prophecies and all that.

But right now,

I can't help feeling so very fortunate.

Now at least, 

I can see the path to a bright future for my wife and child. For us.

For all of us.

My parents, my siblings.

Hell, even my relatives (well some of them).

It's almost 6pm now.

Not too bad for a first day.

Well enough of that.

Viral Video Clips and Fucking Horrible English

On the eve of signing a new contract
for what seems to be an awesome job,
and I'm agonising over whether or not to wear a suit again (this would be the 5th meeting).

Why?
Because the wife wants to celebrate it.
GODDAMMIT YOU CAN WAIT ONE DAY.

It's probably not a big deal,
and I can likely get away with wearing business casual.

But... why take the risk of planting a seed of doubt in guy's mind?
Is it worth it?
I doubt the meeting is going to take longer than 20 minutes.
Hell, it might even just last 15 minutes or less.
But... why take the risk, you know?

Anyway,
I felt like I had to write something today because
of the godawful grammar of Singaporeans,
which had gone right smack into my face,
and exploded like a... um, cream pie balloon thing or whatever. Shut up.

Now I know I make mistakes as well...
but this one fucking post was just infuriating.

I mean, she even used the word "artefact" (pretty sure that's how she spelled it),
in place of (and I'm completely serious about this) "items".
WHY DEAR GOD.

I couldn't even bring myself to go through the whole damn thing.
And I was really interested in reading it.
The post was about her dad,
who is the old man in a video that's gone viral in Singapore that
shows a couple bullying (and in my opinion, assaulting)
him over a FUCKING SEAT AT A HAWKER CENTRE.

Not going to write about that incident and its fallout. Too long.
Too lazy.

But I will say that lately I've been noticing more and more videos
like this going viral, with news of the police acting on those
videos appearing days later. Sometimes it seems like they moved at lightning speed.
Probably due to the outrage that typically comes with those videos.

Or maybe it's because I've only just begun noticing it.
I don't know.
But it bothers me.
Not necessarily because the police took action.
But because I'm worried they acted
mainly because of the outrage.

The couple I'd mentioned earlier
were arrested for causing a "public nuisance".
Not for assault or criminal intimidation.

"Public nuisance" does not have a tight definition by design.
According to an article in the Straits Times,
one of the reasons the couple were arrested was because
they'd used vulgar language.

And that should worry people.
I don't believe that being an asshole should be a criminal offence.

And besides,
they had enough for assault.
So this is not only troubling, but confusing as well.

Well enough of that.

Piss-Poor Interview

So I've been back in Singapore since February,
and this time round at least,
things appear to be slightly better.
I've had two interviews so far.
None of them with Singaporeans, of course.
But hey, I'm still glad.
One advantage of living in a multicultural hub.

So the interview this morning went
incredibly... bad.
Not because of the interviewer.
I mean, if it were,
you'd definitely be hearing about it from me,
along with a few... *ahem*, choice words.

I think it was mainly due to a lack of preparation.
Maybe I was overconfident.
Maybe it was because I hadn't had my coffee yet.
But man oh man.
I was struggling to put together coherent sentences,
and hell, even searching for the proper words wasn't easy.

And for some insane goddamn reason,
I started out (and continued using throughout the interview),
by including the word "man" at the end of some sentences.

You know, something like "How are you, man?"

Sheesh.

Another major reason I believe is also
the fact that I hadn't written anything in a very long time.

Even for my other blog,
I prefer to post pictures with short sentences. It's easier. Simpler.
Doesn't require much thought.
But here's the thing. Interviews, and senior-level jobs are complex and require
critical thinking skills (though you wouldn't know it by speaking with some people!)

I'll have to start writing on a more regular basis again.
And going by on all the crap that's been happening in Singapore
and around the world,
I doubt I'll be left wanting for things to talk about.

Well enough of that.

The Muslim Ban

This is gonna be a very short post.
Bit of a rant.
Bit of advice, too.

There are already racists and White/Any other non-Brown Ethnicity supremacist
claiming yet again that "Hey, it's not so bad!" or that "It's only temporary!"

These are the spineless ones. The ones who won't admit to their bigotry.
If history is any indication,
they will eventually let their true colours show.

Here's the advice bit:
If ANY of non-Brown or rich friends tell you not to worry,
or brush off your concerns,
or even try to tell you that you're wrong about
how bad it fucking truly is...
and they're not doing it just to console you...
then they are NOT your friends.

This is something you need to understand.
Maybe at some point they were,
but they're not anymore.

The best you can hope for is not to get any kind of help
when you truly need it.
They're willing to watch you drown
with a smile on their faces while patting themselves
on the back for being decent, moral people.

The worst...
Well, I think you know.
Ask all the people throughout history
who have lived through genocides and similar atrocities
how shocked they were that their neighbours turned on them so quickly.
That they people who used to greet them in the hallway,
or in the street.

These are those people.
They may not be the only ones,
but I promise you that they are within that group.

So what do you do?
Have contingencies in place.
Continue to be kind (don't just act, but BE kind),
continue to be trustworthy,
and most importantly,
continue to be a decent human being.

Just be very careful.
I need to have contingencies in place for my family as well.

There's very little doubt in my mind that if Singapore
were to implement a similar policy,
that they'd outlaw Islam and Muslims,
that there'd be plenty of bootlicking Muslim police officers and
soldiers who'd do as they are told so long as they get a pat on the head
and a few crumbs.


Unlikely to happen, though.
Not with Malaysia, Indonesia, and Brunei in the region.

But what they'd likely do is a continuation of what
they'd always done:
Pick a few off. Demonise them.
Scare the rest.

This is what I'd need to guard against.
It's not something I can physically fight out of us.
Like most cowards throughout history,
they will crowd together,
and hide behind weapons and discriminatory laws.

Nope.
Alternative plans must be made.
If things go sideways,
we need to have a country we can go to where
we'll be able to live our lives in peace.

Some place people won't think to look twice at us.
Maybe Mongolia,
or hell, even fucking Siberia.

Who knows.

Well enough of that.

The Look

It's 3am now,
and once again
it will be up to me
to try and mend fences.

Before I do so,
I need to remember this.
That look.
The look she gave me
at one point during the argument.

I've seen it before.
There's little doubt in my mind
that if given the chance,
she would've hit me.
As in a full-force,
with intent-to-injure kind of hit.

Again,
I don't think she plans it.
She's mainly driven by emotion.
But I have no doubt.
If I'd been close enough,
she would've just lashed out.

The main reason
she couldn't was because she was seated on the couch,
and I was standing quite a distance from her.

At this point,
I don't think she'll ever hurt the baby.
No, she never would.
This much I know,
although as I type this,
I can feel seeds of doubt taking root.
Best to stop thinking about it too much.

Anyway, back to me.
I'll gladly take on a guy twice my size (maybe 'gladly' isn't the best word though!).
But this.
This is different.
Do I tell someone?
What if I'm mistaken though?
It'll tarnish the image of her permanently.

No.
I hope I'm mistaken. I really do.

And now,
it's time to put on a smile.

Well enough of that.

Lost It

Well, didn't quite lose my temper.
But I decided not to just take it this time either,
even if her mom is present.

How did this argument begin in the first place?
We were looking for something,
and I couldn't remember where it was.
Sometimes I'm right about where it is,
sometimes I'm not.
Let's just look for it, you know?

It wasn't even something important.
Just a goddamn transport card.

As usual,
she's so fucking convinced that she's right
about who took what...
she flat out refuses to check any other places
and gets super pissed about it,
raising her voice even with her mom and the baby nearby.

Even after I make it clear that yeah,
she could be right,
but why don't we just check, you know?
She has been wrong in the past (something which she fucking hates admitting to).

It wasn't over something urgent.

I get that she hates that I think she might be mistaken.
But these are little disputes of memory people have
ALL THE GODDAMN TIME.

The objective is to find the item.
Not to determine who remembered what correctly.
And hell, once you find the thing,
you'll probably figure out who made the mistake.

In this case,
it was me.
And I'm open to this.
I told her I could barely remember.

But nope.
Even after I've located it,
she's still shouting,
being angry,
telling me how she's right.

I've lost count of the number of times she's done this.
Over small fucking things.

An argument over nothing.
Fucking absolutely nothing.
Even after I admit I'm wrong,
it's apparently not enough.

I had to walk away because
she would've just continued to escalate the situation.
And for what?
To be right?
Not just to be right,
but to rub it in the other person's face,
and spit on them?

What would be the point of that?

Enough of this shit already.

Freefall

Today I think I truly understood just how disconnected
from reality she is,
or can be.

There seems to be a problem with my bank account,
and almost a thousand dollars seemed to have vanished,
preventing me from paying off my credit card bill.

So we're already in a pretty bad shape financially,
but this...
this will push us into debt.
One of the worst kinds of debt: Credit card.

I'd budgeted at least to cover that.
We'd have at least around a thousand dollars left to see if I can get a job
within a month once we're back in Singapore.

But with this...
I only have like $360.
Hell, I wouldn't have blamed her if she'd panicked.
It would've been a normal reaction.

Instead...
she just went 'Hey, I want to go out.'

Maybe the gravity of the situation hadn't hit her yet.
But nope...
a little while later, she jokes
about farming bitcoins or something.

This is like making a joke
while we're on a sinking ship in the middle of the ocean.

And I know that this next argument is going to come up.
I know this.
And it will basically be something like this:

Her: I want to go out! Do stuff!
Me: We can go out once or twice a week, but I really need to focus on making money.
Her: But I'm bored! I'm BORED.

This is insanity. It's delusion.
I can't believe I'm on my own on this. But I am.

For the baby's sake, I need to pull us out of this. Alone.

Well enough of that.