Half-Life

This Ramadhan has been almost a waste.
Almost.

I have not yet gained the capability to pray on a regular basis.
I'm still stopping suddenly before I even get started,
or mid-way through.

For the latter, the thought of doing something wrongly
would slowly creep up, get bigger and bigger,
and reach a crescendo which forces me to just... stop.

This has rarely happened during the month,
for which I am thankful.
Been able to ignore it most of the time lately.

As for stopping before I even get started,
a part of me KNOWS that I should just proceed.
I KNOW that.
My inner voice screams at me sometimes to just keep going.

But for some reason I just... stop.

And it's a damn shame.
More work needs to be done,
though I had hoped to overcome this before Eid.
About 7 more days left, and I will try and salvage what I can.

Was that interesting for you?
Nope?
This is where I would normally include some colourful, creative language.
But not right after talking about prayers.

So um,
go away. Yeah. You got that right.

There are quite a number of other things that I'd like to talk about,
namely Lee Kuan Yew's racism, and racist policies directed towards the Malays.
Unfortunately I don't have too much time on my hands.

Just a really brief one.
Judging by his comments on the poll results of when the Israeli official (can't remember which position, exactly) sometime in the 60's (I think),
he basically declared that Malays were untrustworthy and should be monitored.

Never mind the fact that the mainstream media was basically controlled by his party,
and has a history of asking leading questions (Google the AsiaOne survey on the recent strike by the PRC bus drivers)...

There are a few other factors that I've probably forgotten to mention,
but don't have the time to think hard about or try to recall.

Basically what he said was 'See? They don't agree with me! NOT LOYAL!'
Emotive. Sensationalist. Appeals to the inner bigot in people.

He was trying to divide the population,
and cement his support in Singapore.

But what really gets me is how the Chinese population BOUGHT IT.
Sure, not all.
I've said before, there are always exceptions.

And back then,
without the internet,
it would've been so much easier to manipulate the population once you hold all the levers of influence.

Still.
COME ON.

Are you seriously kidding me?
Man that was so obvious.

Instead of uniting the population,
he successfully divided it.
And they just went along with...

And some people still wonder
where the negative perception of Malays amongst the Chinese comes from.

Yea, a real mystery.


Well enough of that.

Within Sight

I will get fired.
Not quite sure when. Maybe this month, maybe the next.
But after a pleasant exchange
with the CEO yesterday morning during the sales meeting,
I am left with very little doubt that it will happen.

Oh don't worry,
I'll be talking more about that meeting further below.

What's that?
You weren't worried? Seriously?
Oh thank GOD!!!

Now go fuck yourself.
Yep. There we go... 

Jenia's PR application is in August.
So the plan for now is to keep my head low,
and stay in this gig long enough to get that letter
which verifies my employment.

My plan is to last long enough until the end of August.

I've already begun searching for new gigs.
And the most depressing aspect about it?
After about two weeks, I only have a SINGLE phone interview.
Not even the actual interview, by the way.
Just the initial screening call.

I have about 4 years' worth of sales experience.
And not a single call-back?
Not a single goddamn interview?

All this while, my former White and Chinese colleagues
and friends continue to get offers and go from job to job...
LinkedIn titles changing after just a few months or so.
That fast.
So easy.
So easy compared to how guys like me have it.

Now don't get me wrong,
I'm not saying racism isn't the ONLY aspect.
But to not even get an interview?
Sometimes despite having more experience.

To not even be given a change?

Nope. Racism is the only issue.
But it's a big motherfucking thing.

A level playing field. Is that too much to ask for?
Apparently if your skin tone is not the right shade,
then it is.

Fuck them.
I've come this far.
I'll keep moving.
Hell, all I need is one interview.

So back to that early morning meeting.
Ever since I've joined - and I had a feeling this would happen-
my director and the CEO have contradicted themselves a few times.

Now I'm not talking about minor things
like saying they don't like cocks up the ass,
while visiting the Cock-Up-Ass club on a regular basis.
Nope (not that there's anything wrong with that).

Major things.
At least to me.
Such as sales updates.
In fact, I distinctly remember the CEO saying how it would be a waste of time
to keep updating him on the status of opportunities,
thus giving the impression that you're free to close the deals any which way you choose...
as long as the deals close.

But nope.
Nearly every time there is a sales meeting,
he's always grilling us on minute details.

Which brings me to one of the most annoying aspects.
Straight up pisses me off sometimes.

Asking about minute details of the opportunities slated
for discussion is one thing.
Asking for minute details of loosely-related things ('Tell me all about that proposal you wrote 4 months ago! WHAT? You don't know EVERY single thing listed in there? WHY DON'T YOU KNOW RIGHT NOW??') is a whole other motherfucking thing.

Saw him grill a colleague of mine and made him look downright incompetent.
Seriously?
Just because the guy has a different approach?
THE OBJECTIVE IS THE SAME.
You would think a CEO would know there's more than one way to skin a tiger.

But nope.
Dumbass peppers insults along with what he thinks is valuable 'advice'.

This kind of approach has got me on edge.
There's almost no way of actually preparing.

You could prepare as much detail as you want on your existing opportunities.
But you never know when he might make a demand for details on something you did MONTHS ago.

These past few months,
I've noticed myself become more timid...
become less inclined to speak up.
It's made me nervous.

I fucking hate it.
Something has to give.

At the same time,
I do have immense respect for director,
though of course he does have his flaws.

He is an excellent Account Manager.
But as a manager, maybe not so much. He's too focused,
and his view sometimes becomes myopic.

We normally have to end up doing things his way.
But he does not try to intimidate you.
Tries very, very hard to motivate and mentor.

Gave me a shot when he had absolutely no reason to.

So there is another part to my plan.
While searching for another gig,
I will give my best and close the 3 large deals I have in my pipeline.

When I leave, I will leave with a bang.

Well enough of that

What. The. Fuck.

OK, so my wife is working now.
I should be happy she's occupied. Hell, I AM happy for her, I truly am.

At the same time,
I can't help feeling something else...
Like a mixture of jealousy and anxiety.

She is working in a place full of Russians.
Every single person working there is a Russian.
There's nothing wrong with that (although MOM might not share that view!).

Nothing wrong with working amongst Russians either.
Ah goddammit now I'm starting to sound like a motherfucking bigot ('no, no... nothing wrong with Muslims, but...'

Before I carry on,
I'm just gonna say that this is my thing.
It is MY issue, for me to deal with. Not hers.

So where was I?
Oh yeah.
The Russians.

So why am I bothered?
Cheating (again, I fucking KNOW) seems to be such a common thing,
that overall,
it just doesn't seem to be that big of a deal.

That, and their love of alcohol.

Now yeah,
she doesn't drink.
But it's not a hard rule for her, like it is for me.

If she really wanted to, or had to (for example, due to pressure at a social event),
she could, and might just do it.
And it's not going to be a gigantic thing for her.
Would be crazy to expect it of her.

I'm concerned,
because even if she hates being pressured into doing something (who the hell does, really?),
even if there were no obligation on her part,
she would still do it.
And has, in the past.

For example,
at a recent family gathering,
she and another female relative were pressured
into going round the room and bowing to the rest of her relatives.
Don't get me wrong, it was supposed to be a fun thing,
but she really, really didn't want to do it...
and did it anyway.

So back to her current workplace.
There is already an air of... infidelity? Nope.
Apparently her boss and his wife have an open relationship.
An air of... promiscuity. I think that's more accurate.

More like just a hint.
I'm not saying the whole office goes round and round humping each other on a regular basis.

But just that hint is enough to make me uneasy.
Maybe it's because of my upbringing, my religious beliefs. I'll get back to this point later.

So what else?
She's been invited to her boss' wife's birthday party tonight.
And she didn't deign to be bring me along.
This is probably my fault.
I'd established a pattern of meeting with my friends without inviting her.
Main reason for that was to avoid any DLV's. Which in itself is a DLV.
But nonetheless, I need to be fair.
Still bothers, me though.

This is the wife who has an open marriage.
And she will be at an event where there will be only Russians,
and of course, lots of alcohol.

In my mind,
she will be pressured to drink ('come on, just one sip!').
This is my being paranoid. What with her having given in to pressure in the past.
(This reminds me. I need to be more consistent with adhering to my own values).

And if it is at a company event (and come on, it is),
and the boss' wife pressures her to drink...
well, yeah.

Would have more trust in her otherwise,
but then again,
she also has a habit of changing her mind when it suits her.

Add to the mix how easily she is moved by emotion (woman. real shocker there!),
and well...
let's just say if I were a guy there and I were interested in her,
it would be quite easy when alcohol is added to the mix.

But again, it's just my being paranoid as hell.
I wish she'd invited me along, but eh, that's not really the issue.

It feels like I'm heading towards a place where a significant event will happen.
Like a student waiting for the exam to come...

And it's wrong.
This is something I need to address. Maybe find someone to talk to.

In the back of my mind,
I know... I know... ANYONE could change their mind.
Each person is an individual.

I could be married to a pious woman...
who eventually changes her mind.

Just because she changes her mind about some things,
does not mean she will change her mind about say, drinking or cheating.

On the way to work,
it even bothered me to realize that she knows how wearing shorts
would excite me (and other men).

And she wears them even when going out alone.

I cannot begrudge her wanting to feel confident and look attractive (I mean damn man, who doesn't want to feel confident??).

But her past actions has in my mind,
created a sort of pattern.

It's something I need to address myself.
She has done nothing wrong.

And at the bottom of this post,
I realize that I pretty much painted Russians as consistently horny, immoral, adulterous assholes.
Come the fuck on.

I need to have more faith in my beloved wife.
And what I can do, is improve myself.

IF she does ever cheat on me.
It's over. That will never change.

Not saying that she will,
but knowing that there is a plan B.
Knowing that there is going to be a decent life even if it does happen.
Having the knowledge that I do now (game, chiefly!), makes me feel much better.

An insurance policy.

Well enough of that

Dark Clouds

2.25pm, and I'm freezing in the office despite having two jackets on.
The sunlight on the other side of the window mocks me.

Anyway, I'm pretty glad the whole 'Cheating-is-not-a-big-deal' episode is finally over.
Oh there will be serious problems in the future, you can bet your ass on that.
But this gives me hope that we will be able to work things out.

Been a while since I've been here.
Need to keep writing, keep posting.
I feel the struggle to remain articulate starting to get harder again.

Lately I've been almost obsessed with getting my designs up on Threadless and Design by Humans.
Plan is to have 10, followed by 100 winning designs, earning me about $100,000.
Yep.
If only it were that easy.

Spent the whole weekend on one crappy-ass design that
I was eventually not satisfied with, but submitted anyway because a) I was out of time and b) I was fucking exhausted.

And in my rush to earn that pot of gold (unlikely),
I made one mistake after another in terms of DHV and DLV.

Yep. You've still got to run game on your wife.
And now that I think about it,
I'd consistently justified myself, qualified myself, and inadvertently sought her approval.
Hell, a few times I couldn't even make a proper decision.

Time to review the 77 Laws.
Stem the bleeding.

I remember a PUA talking about mistakes.
You acknowledge them, appreciate them, then learn from them and move on.

That is what I need to do.


Well enough of that, bitches.