I am depressed.
Severely.
At least, that's how it feels.
So many things are going wrong on so many fronts.
Feels like I'm a house, and a number of critical pillars are falling apart simultaneously.
My English has gone down the crapper.
Again.
It's practically rubbish to me. Beyond the usual grammar and spelling errors.
Oh no.
I'm using shit that sound accurate,
but are completely out of place.
Even when I'm using slang it's wrong.
'I feel kind of wiped out'.
What?
You're either wiped out, or not. Not 'kind of'.
Even when writing formal documents,
I'm beginning to use shit that are so out of place.
And I can't even think of examples right now.
Goddammit.
I'm depressed about my work.
Not a single deal has been closed since January.
Not a single fucking one.
Oh, and I'm running out of cash, too.
My mobile game is so far from being developed,
that it seems like a distant, unlikely dream.
Forget about the fact that the whole point of it was just to get it out there.
Mobile game developers RARELY make any money.
But after my brother's operation (a brother who hates my guts, by the way),
my mom's myriad injuries, my dad nearing retirement age,
and my youngest sister still requiring a load of cash to continue her studies...
AND the fact that my wife might just be pregnant...
I'd begun to entertain thoughts of making millions from a mobile game.
Yep. That's about as likely as a Pakistani playing Batman someday.
To top it off,
I'm exhausted. Likely due to the fact that my nose allergy medication has run out,
and I'm back to getting woken up every couple of times throughout the night.
Awesome.
So what now, eh?
What?
You think I complain too much?
Come here so I can introduce your face to my chainsaw.
Come closer.
No?
Good. Now shut the fuck up.
I'll complain if I want to.
Where was I?
Oh yea.
What now?
Giving up is not an option at all.
Sure I'm depressed. But hey, when the only way is up,
at the very least the path is clear.
The journey though is going to be a major pain in the rectum.
Well enough of that.
Tuesday, April 23, 2013
Sunday, April 14, 2013
The Haze
It's 2.30pm, and after my 2nd cup of coffee for the day,
my thought processes are in a haze.
What the hell is going on?
I am motivated (I think).
My objective to become one of THE best in my field remains firm.
But just a few hours into the day,
and already I'm wondering how the hell I'm going to navigate through the haze,
through the thick vegetation,
to get to that elusive path...
And I am worried.
Oh yes.
Not for myself.
But for Jenia.
She doesn't even want to learn about Islam,
except via fragments on some websites,
whose credibility I can't confirm.
And it's highly likely she ran into quite a number
of the Islamophobic propaganda sites.
Other than those fragments,
she also wants clear answers from me on specific things,
such as my usury is banned in Islam (and coincidentally, other major religions).
I can't remember (or maybe I never knew) the reason.
Long ago, I did my own research,
and came to the conclusion that Islam was the one true path.
And yea, I get the logic.
If you're going to follow the rules or guidelines,
at the very least know WHY you do so.
Thing is,
it's just not practical, dammit.
I did my research,
and at the time, accepted it.
What I remember is that what I learned was good enough for me.
But I can't recall EXACTLY and in detail what is it that I learned.
Only, that it was good enough for me.
It's like taking an exam for a subject, and passing it.
Then having someone come up to you years and years later,
and ask you specific questions from that exam, expecting you to have the answers.
It's just not practical.
But that's not the only thing I'm worried about.
Cash. I'm running out of it.
And I've barely made a dent in designing my first mobile game.
It's beginning to take the form of something that I might rely on,
and that's pretty damn scary.
Mobile game designers RARELY make much money.
The trick is to make a few games,
and hopefully earn a few hundred bucks overall.
That means,
maybe you'd earn $200 over 2 years from your game.
Yep. FANTASTIC.
Well enough of that
my thought processes are in a haze.
What the hell is going on?
I am motivated (I think).
My objective to become one of THE best in my field remains firm.
But just a few hours into the day,
and already I'm wondering how the hell I'm going to navigate through the haze,
through the thick vegetation,
to get to that elusive path...
And I am worried.
Oh yes.
Not for myself.
But for Jenia.
She doesn't even want to learn about Islam,
except via fragments on some websites,
whose credibility I can't confirm.
And it's highly likely she ran into quite a number
of the Islamophobic propaganda sites.
Other than those fragments,
she also wants clear answers from me on specific things,
such as my usury is banned in Islam (and coincidentally, other major religions).
I can't remember (or maybe I never knew) the reason.
Long ago, I did my own research,
and came to the conclusion that Islam was the one true path.
And yea, I get the logic.
If you're going to follow the rules or guidelines,
at the very least know WHY you do so.
Thing is,
it's just not practical, dammit.
I did my research,
and at the time, accepted it.
What I remember is that what I learned was good enough for me.
But I can't recall EXACTLY and in detail what is it that I learned.
Only, that it was good enough for me.
It's like taking an exam for a subject, and passing it.
Then having someone come up to you years and years later,
and ask you specific questions from that exam, expecting you to have the answers.
It's just not practical.
But that's not the only thing I'm worried about.
Cash. I'm running out of it.
And I've barely made a dent in designing my first mobile game.
It's beginning to take the form of something that I might rely on,
and that's pretty damn scary.
Mobile game designers RARELY make much money.
The trick is to make a few games,
and hopefully earn a few hundred bucks overall.
That means,
maybe you'd earn $200 over 2 years from your game.
Yep. FANTASTIC.
Well enough of that
Friday, April 12, 2013
Interval
In the office, and it's not even 3.30 yet.
My head feels like it's floating,
and my many thoughts once again feel vague,
lacking in sharp edges.
They feel like separate, wispy clouds...
stretched out, almost covering the whole sky on a bright sunny day.
I'm waiting for my technical consultant to finish transferring the VM to my laptop,
so we can finally run the demo.
Thought I'd make some conversation with another colleague...
And when I opened my mouth,
absolutely nothing of substance came out.
My mind went to sleep.
I could see myself from the outside,
thinking 'What the hell is guy on?'
And no, I wasn't nervous.
In fact, it would probably have helped if I were.
Not sure what happened, exactly.
If you're yawning by now,
I would like to thank you from the bottom of my heart for coming this far.
Now fuck off and get a life.
Started the day with the conviction that I was going to achieve greatness:
I was going to one day,
work for a huge company like Google or Facebook or IBM.
I'm going to the guy they talk about in LinkedIn articles about sales or business processes.
I'm going to be inspiration.
The one who didn't even graduate secondary school didn't let that stop me.
Earning millions of dollars and retiring early without having to work any more was my initial goal.
But that's not enough anymore.
No. I'm going to go forth and kick some ass.
Or at least give it my best shot.
No regrets.
Well enough of that
My head feels like it's floating,
and my many thoughts once again feel vague,
lacking in sharp edges.
They feel like separate, wispy clouds...
stretched out, almost covering the whole sky on a bright sunny day.
I'm waiting for my technical consultant to finish transferring the VM to my laptop,
so we can finally run the demo.
Thought I'd make some conversation with another colleague...
And when I opened my mouth,
absolutely nothing of substance came out.
My mind went to sleep.
I could see myself from the outside,
thinking 'What the hell is guy on?'
And no, I wasn't nervous.
In fact, it would probably have helped if I were.
Not sure what happened, exactly.
If you're yawning by now,
I would like to thank you from the bottom of my heart for coming this far.
Now fuck off and get a life.
Started the day with the conviction that I was going to achieve greatness:
I was going to one day,
work for a huge company like Google or Facebook or IBM.
I'm going to the guy they talk about in LinkedIn articles about sales or business processes.
I'm going to be inspiration.
The one who didn't even graduate secondary school didn't let that stop me.
Earning millions of dollars and retiring early without having to work any more was my initial goal.
But that's not enough anymore.
No. I'm going to go forth and kick some ass.
Or at least give it my best shot.
No regrets.
Well enough of that
Tuesday, April 9, 2013
After 6 And Still Here
It's 6.18pm, and I'm still in the office.
Not that I'm working on anything particularly urgent.
Must admit, I'm a little depressed.
And paranoid.
Saw the director in a meeting room with someone,
and for some reason,
I immediately assumed he was interviewing someone for my position.
Now here's the thing.
They would be TOTALLY justified in replacing me.
Sure, their processes are crap,
and it's extremely hard to get familiar with them.
On top of that, I had zero experience in Enterprise Sales when I joined.
That means another layer of knowledge for me to push through in order to succeed.
And the most frustrating part,
is that for me, for some fucked up reason, it is extremely hard.
No matter how much I've learned,
and continue to learn,
I still feel lost in a thick forest,
with the main road barely visible and flickering in the distance.
I need to get to that road.
But every step I take doesn't seem to bring me much closer to it.
There is a little bit of progress. But I fear it may not be enough to head off getting laid off.
That last bit was pretty clever of me, right?
What?
Well fuck you.
Anyway, where was I?
Oh yea, they'd be totally justified in getting rid of me.
After all, I'd made a promise to hit the ground running.
8 months later and I've barely made any progress.
But I need the money. We need the money.
I've barely started researching game designs.
And this is my sole source of income. Without it, we're screwed.
So this is where I am.
Future looks bleak.
But if I'm going out,
I'm going with a bang.
You can get your ass I'll at least close a $200K deal before I leave.
May not seem much, but that's my target.
And when I'm gone,
who knows, things might actually get better.
After all, I thought the gig I had at Service Source was great.
And when I left, it crushed me.
I honestly believed there was a strong chance of my being destined from then onward,
to work low-paying, craptastic jobs with very little hope of advancement (it is Singapore, after all).
And here I am.
May not be perfect, but it is one hell of an improvement.
So yeah.
Time to dig in.
Well enough of that
Not that I'm working on anything particularly urgent.
Must admit, I'm a little depressed.
And paranoid.
Saw the director in a meeting room with someone,
and for some reason,
I immediately assumed he was interviewing someone for my position.
Now here's the thing.
They would be TOTALLY justified in replacing me.
Sure, their processes are crap,
and it's extremely hard to get familiar with them.
On top of that, I had zero experience in Enterprise Sales when I joined.
That means another layer of knowledge for me to push through in order to succeed.
And the most frustrating part,
is that for me, for some fucked up reason, it is extremely hard.
No matter how much I've learned,
and continue to learn,
I still feel lost in a thick forest,
with the main road barely visible and flickering in the distance.
I need to get to that road.
But every step I take doesn't seem to bring me much closer to it.
There is a little bit of progress. But I fear it may not be enough to head off getting laid off.
That last bit was pretty clever of me, right?
What?
Well fuck you.
Anyway, where was I?
Oh yea, they'd be totally justified in getting rid of me.
After all, I'd made a promise to hit the ground running.
8 months later and I've barely made any progress.
But I need the money. We need the money.
I've barely started researching game designs.
And this is my sole source of income. Without it, we're screwed.
So this is where I am.
Future looks bleak.
But if I'm going out,
I'm going with a bang.
You can get your ass I'll at least close a $200K deal before I leave.
May not seem much, but that's my target.
And when I'm gone,
who knows, things might actually get better.
After all, I thought the gig I had at Service Source was great.
And when I left, it crushed me.
I honestly believed there was a strong chance of my being destined from then onward,
to work low-paying, craptastic jobs with very little hope of advancement (it is Singapore, after all).
And here I am.
May not be perfect, but it is one hell of an improvement.
So yeah.
Time to dig in.
Well enough of that
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