The Muslim Ban

This is gonna be a very short post.
Bit of a rant.
Bit of advice, too.

There are already racists and White/Any other non-Brown Ethnicity supremacist
claiming yet again that "Hey, it's not so bad!" or that "It's only temporary!"

These are the spineless ones. The ones who won't admit to their bigotry.
If history is any indication,
they will eventually let their true colours show.

Here's the advice bit:
If ANY of non-Brown or rich friends tell you not to worry,
or brush off your concerns,
or even try to tell you that you're wrong about
how bad it fucking truly is...
and they're not doing it just to console you...
then they are NOT your friends.

This is something you need to understand.
Maybe at some point they were,
but they're not anymore.

The best you can hope for is not to get any kind of help
when you truly need it.
They're willing to watch you drown
with a smile on their faces while patting themselves
on the back for being decent, moral people.

The worst...
Well, I think you know.
Ask all the people throughout history
who have lived through genocides and similar atrocities
how shocked they were that their neighbours turned on them so quickly.
That they people who used to greet them in the hallway,
or in the street.

These are those people.
They may not be the only ones,
but I promise you that they are within that group.

So what do you do?
Have contingencies in place.
Continue to be kind (don't just act, but BE kind),
continue to be trustworthy,
and most importantly,
continue to be a decent human being.

Just be very careful.
I need to have contingencies in place for my family as well.

There's very little doubt in my mind that if Singapore
were to implement a similar policy,
that they'd outlaw Islam and Muslims,
that there'd be plenty of bootlicking Muslim police officers and
soldiers who'd do as they are told so long as they get a pat on the head
and a few crumbs.


Unlikely to happen, though.
Not with Malaysia, Indonesia, and Brunei in the region.

But what they'd likely do is a continuation of what
they'd always done:
Pick a few off. Demonise them.
Scare the rest.

This is what I'd need to guard against.
It's not something I can physically fight out of us.
Like most cowards throughout history,
they will crowd together,
and hide behind weapons and discriminatory laws.

Nope.
Alternative plans must be made.
If things go sideways,
we need to have a country we can go to where
we'll be able to live our lives in peace.

Some place people won't think to look twice at us.
Maybe Mongolia,
or hell, even fucking Siberia.

Who knows.

Well enough of that.

The Look

It's 3am now,
and once again
it will be up to me
to try and mend fences.

Before I do so,
I need to remember this.
That look.
The look she gave me
at one point during the argument.

I've seen it before.
There's little doubt in my mind
that if given the chance,
she would've hit me.
As in a full-force,
with intent-to-injure kind of hit.

Again,
I don't think she plans it.
She's mainly driven by emotion.
But I have no doubt.
If I'd been close enough,
she would've just lashed out.

The main reason
she couldn't was because she was seated on the couch,
and I was standing quite a distance from her.

At this point,
I don't think she'll ever hurt the baby.
No, she never would.
This much I know,
although as I type this,
I can feel seeds of doubt taking root.
Best to stop thinking about it too much.

Anyway, back to me.
I'll gladly take on a guy twice my size (maybe 'gladly' isn't the best word though!).
But this.
This is different.
Do I tell someone?
What if I'm mistaken though?
It'll tarnish the image of her permanently.

No.
I hope I'm mistaken. I really do.

And now,
it's time to put on a smile.

Well enough of that.

Lost It

Well, didn't quite lose my temper.
But I decided not to just take it this time either,
even if her mom is present.

How did this argument begin in the first place?
We were looking for something,
and I couldn't remember where it was.
Sometimes I'm right about where it is,
sometimes I'm not.
Let's just look for it, you know?

It wasn't even something important.
Just a goddamn transport card.

As usual,
she's so fucking convinced that she's right
about who took what...
she flat out refuses to check any other places
and gets super pissed about it,
raising her voice even with her mom and the baby nearby.

Even after I make it clear that yeah,
she could be right,
but why don't we just check, you know?
She has been wrong in the past (something which she fucking hates admitting to).

It wasn't over something urgent.

I get that she hates that I think she might be mistaken.
But these are little disputes of memory people have
ALL THE GODDAMN TIME.

The objective is to find the item.
Not to determine who remembered what correctly.
And hell, once you find the thing,
you'll probably figure out who made the mistake.

In this case,
it was me.
And I'm open to this.
I told her I could barely remember.

But nope.
Even after I've located it,
she's still shouting,
being angry,
telling me how she's right.

I've lost count of the number of times she's done this.
Over small fucking things.

An argument over nothing.
Fucking absolutely nothing.
Even after I admit I'm wrong,
it's apparently not enough.

I had to walk away because
she would've just continued to escalate the situation.
And for what?
To be right?
Not just to be right,
but to rub it in the other person's face,
and spit on them?

What would be the point of that?

Enough of this shit already.

Freefall

Today I think I truly understood just how disconnected
from reality she is,
or can be.

There seems to be a problem with my bank account,
and almost a thousand dollars seemed to have vanished,
preventing me from paying off my credit card bill.

So we're already in a pretty bad shape financially,
but this...
this will push us into debt.
One of the worst kinds of debt: Credit card.

I'd budgeted at least to cover that.
We'd have at least around a thousand dollars left to see if I can get a job
within a month once we're back in Singapore.

But with this...
I only have like $360.
Hell, I wouldn't have blamed her if she'd panicked.
It would've been a normal reaction.

Instead...
she just went 'Hey, I want to go out.'

Maybe the gravity of the situation hadn't hit her yet.
But nope...
a little while later, she jokes
about farming bitcoins or something.

This is like making a joke
while we're on a sinking ship in the middle of the ocean.

And I know that this next argument is going to come up.
I know this.
And it will basically be something like this:

Her: I want to go out! Do stuff!
Me: We can go out once or twice a week, but I really need to focus on making money.
Her: But I'm bored! I'm BORED.

This is insanity. It's delusion.
I can't believe I'm on my own on this. But I am.

For the baby's sake, I need to pull us out of this. Alone.

Well enough of that.

The First

This is going to be quick,
but thanks to my being on Windows 7,
not only have the damn updates slowed me down much longer than I would've liked,
but with the Littlest Dictator being insistent that I play with her RIGHT NOW,
I'm worried I might not be able to get this out before I head out.

So my wife hit me today.
Not a gentle tap,
and not in jest.
In anger, and she kicked me.
With almost full force,
while the baby was lying down with me.

She was already in a bad mood,
but what apparently tipped her over the edge,
was when we disagreed on the date an event happened,
and then I realized that she was right.
And she fucking kicked me.
If she's hit a joint,
I could've been seriously injured.

Sure I work out,
and in a proper fight,
there'd be no contest.

But there's never going to be a proper fight.
And she chose the moment when I was with the baby and unable to even defend myself.

I doubt this will be a regular thing.
I doubt it will ever happen again.
But I feel the need to document this.

I've seen too many instances of men being abused,
and having either people not believe them
because they were so much bigger than the women who hit them,
or endure ridicule if it turned out to be true.

Damned either way.

This post will allow me to at least reassure myself that I've documented it.
I'm sure it'll never happen again.
A once-off.
But you know, just in case.

Well enough of that.

Swallow

I'll take the resentment. All of it.
It might even bring us to and over the tipping point. But I'll take it.
For both of them,
but especially our baby.

She deserves so much better,
and right now,
we're on the path downhill,
when we should be heading upwards.

I've vacillated between rage and resentment and acceptance.
She'll never truly understand.
Not really.

I can't spend all day every single day helping her out with the baby.
It's hard as hell,
and ours is more than a handful.
She's a legit hyperactive kid.

But the money's running out.
I can't spend two-three hours in the morning,
then afternoon,
then another few hours in the evening
helping to look after her
and then try to squeeze what little time I have left to work out
and do my work.

The fatigue gets to me every time.
Usually after a few days,
sometimes a week or more if I really push it.
But the debt is always paid back,
and the longer I hold it off,
the bigger the debt.

Add to that my existing problems with fatigue,
and it's a really toxic mix.

And she doesn't get it.
When I finally collapse,
she looks at it as if I'm being fucking lazy.
The derogatory remarks.
They bite each time.

Anyway.
I can handle weekends,
and the odd day of helping out more than I'm usually able to during a work day.

But we're already running out of money.
I don't know if my ideas are going to take off.
Definitely not going to be able to get a job any time soon.
And hell,
even when I had a good paying job,
the demands she made of me to help out make it impossible to work
unless I'm in the office every day... which I can't fucking stand.

Financially, we're at the brink.
I need to start making money. We need it.

She's in denial.
And it's clear as day to me that if she even somehow manages to
convince herself to work...
she'll eventually resent me for not working,
even if it's obvious I can't get a job.
Why?
If you're not Chinese or White in Singapore,
then it's extremely difficult to get a job.
Extremely.
You can argue with others about racism
and the extent of its reach in Singapore,
but that's a fact.
Anecdotal fact of course.
No proper studies on the effects of racism on minorities in Singapore.
Despite all the race-focused policies.
Funny that, isn't it?

Anyway, I need to get back to the grind.
Or try to.

I'll take the resentment. All of it.
But my baby will get a good, decent life even if it fucking kills me and I die alone and lonely in a hole somewhere without warmth.

Well enough of that.

Anniversary

So before I get into the darker part of my thoughts,
I need to get this out of the way.
I'm fucked.
Only remembered our anniversary yesterday.
And it's fucking today.

And you know what's the really fucked up part?
It makes me even more pissed off
that I haven't even had the time to even think about it.

In the mad rush to try and find some
goddamn way to make money...
some way,
and getting constantly interrupted for hours daily...
I finally allowed an important day to just creep up on me.

God-fucking-dammit.

And we're struggling for money now,
so it's not as simple as ordering flowers and going out
and getting stuff.
This requires careful planning.
And besides,
even when I had money,
it always takes me ages to decide on something meaningful.

Now, on to the darker areas!

I'm tired. As usual.
So fucking tired.
I can see the disdain she has for any ideas
I come up with to earn money.

It's like the only real
way she sees is for my to get a typical job.
Never mind the fact that once we get an apartment,
we'll be locked into a cycle of debt,
and at the age of 34
and being non-Chinese or White in Singapore,
it's highly unlikely I'm going to be able to
climb up the corporate ladder much further.

Oh yeah,
and if I do get a typical job,
I'll end up being resented because hey,
who's helping her with the baby?

She forgets the hours and hours
I spend helping out.
Every fucking day,
throughout the whole day.

I've had her minimise my time to just a few minutes a day.
Don't get me wrong,
I love spending time with the baby,
I really do.

But. We. Need. Money.

She can't seem to grasp this basic concept.
Not really.

Personally I can't stay in an office.
Head in to work in the morning,
then leave in the evening. Every day.
Can't do it.

I had really sweet gigs,
where I could earn a lot
by working mainly from home.

I needed it.
I needed to not be in the office.

But she won't allow me to be left alone
to actually do some work.

Time and again I keep getting interrupted.
And she's so fucking defensive that
talking with her...
trying to reason with her is as exhausting as climbing a mountain.

And even if I succeed in convincing her
that I need TIME TO DO FUCKING WORK,
she just reverts to her old self a little while later,
claiming that because she sees me in the house,
she can't help tapping on me for help.
THROUGHOUT THE FUCKING DAY.

A big part of my losing my last two jobs was due
to my not being able to actually do my job.
From short toilet breaks that keep getting drawn out,
to accompanying her in putting the baby to sleep,
which can sometimes take an hour or two,
to just looking after her while she cooks or cleans.
Or sometimes just when she wants to rest.

I get that she needs help.
But the ship is sinking and it needs to be fixed.
The ship can be clean as a whistle,
with every little cup and saucer in its proper place,
and it'll be for nothing if it eventually sinks to the bottom of the ocean.

I NEED TO WORK.

So here I am now,
in Korea,
trying to get minor side projects off the ground
to earn SOME MONEY.

And some days I don't even have the fucking time
to complete a blog post. Not even five minutes.

Oh yea and the hypocrisy infuriates me sometimes.
She gets so fucking annoyed with me and the baby,
when she's writing something to a friend either on Facebook or
on the phone.

Hell, she'll even ignore me mid-sentence
to look at some Instagram post or to respond to a friend.

But when I'm trying to fucking WORK...
trying to respond to a client's query,
or to do the necessary research...
nope.
That's not the same thing of course.
She sees absolutely no problem in interrupting me.

So yea...
I don't know if my projects will work.
I don't know if the designs will sell.
But holy shit if we do nothing,
we'll gain nothing.

Why is that so hard to understand?
We had enough money to last a year,
and now we'll barely have enough for a month
when we're back in Singapore.

And the scary thing is,
I'm pretty sure she doesn't get even this.

Only choice is to keep moving,
even if it means drowning in the process.

Well enough of that.