I'll take the resentment. All of it.
It might even bring us to and over the tipping point. But I'll take it.
For both of them,
but especially our baby.
She deserves so much better,
and right now,
we're on the path downhill,
when we should be heading upwards.
I've vacillated between rage and resentment and acceptance.
She'll never truly understand.
Not really.
I can't spend all day every single day helping her out with the baby.
It's hard as hell,
and ours is more than a handful.
She's a legit hyperactive kid.
But the money's running out.
I can't spend two-three hours in the morning,
then afternoon,
then another few hours in the evening
helping to look after her
and then try to squeeze what little time I have left to work out
and do my work.
The fatigue gets to me every time.
Usually after a few days,
sometimes a week or more if I really push it.
But the debt is always paid back,
and the longer I hold it off,
the bigger the debt.
Add to that my existing problems with fatigue,
and it's a really toxic mix.
And she doesn't get it.
When I finally collapse,
she looks at it as if I'm being fucking lazy.
The derogatory remarks.
They bite each time.
Anyway.
I can handle weekends,
and the odd day of helping out more than I'm usually able to during a work day.
But we're already running out of money.
I don't know if my ideas are going to take off.
Definitely not going to be able to get a job any time soon.
And hell,
even when I had a good paying job,
the demands she made of me to help out make it impossible to work
unless I'm in the office every day... which I can't fucking stand.
Financially, we're at the brink.
I need to start making money. We need it.
She's in denial.
And it's clear as day to me that if she even somehow manages to
convince herself to work...
she'll eventually resent me for not working,
even if it's obvious I can't get a job.
Why?
If you're not Chinese or White in Singapore,
then it's extremely difficult to get a job.
Extremely.
You can argue with others about racism
and the extent of its reach in Singapore,
but that's a fact.
Anecdotal fact of course.
No proper studies on the effects of racism on minorities in Singapore.
Despite all the race-focused policies.
Funny that, isn't it?
Anyway, I need to get back to the grind.
Or try to.
I'll take the resentment. All of it.
But my baby will get a good, decent life even if it fucking kills me and I die alone and lonely in a hole somewhere without warmth.
Well enough of that.
