Worrying

Yep, a really inspired title, I know.
I need to lay off of the mainstream and non-mainstream news about world events,
particularly that which involves Muslims being targeted.

The comments on some of the sites are particularly appalling,
and not only do I feel like responding (a futile exercise when dealing with motherfucking dumbass bigots),
but I feel a similar type of hatred that they have for me,
welling up inside and directed at them.
Not good.

Half-way through this entry,
and I hear little Alexandra's cries.

And now, I'm sleepy.
Dammit.

I'm worried about so many things now,
sometimes it's hard to keep it together:

About our finances,
about starting a business so my girl can go to a good school,
about my fitness,
about my wife's fitness,
about my baby's health,
etc.

Last thing I need is to add racism,
and state-sponsored terrorism targeting people like me,
simply for my beliefs, ethnicity, and the fact that I have relatives in Pakistan.

Well enough of that.

The New 12-Week Routine

It's 11.30am,
and I'm exhausted.
Exhausted from my earlier workout,
exhausted from feeling unwell,
exhausted from looking after the baby,
from thinking about finding a job and income for my family,
from all the horrible things that are happening around the world,
especially to Muslims.

And no,
I most certainly do not feel the need to condemn so-called
extremists I've never met before in my life.
I abhor murder and violence against innocents.
But to ask to me condemn acts by specific people simply because they claim to belong
to my religion?
Fuck you and those like you.

Hey, if I claim to rape puppies in the name of your mother's crusty anus,
does that make her responsible, you dumb fuck?

Anyway,
I need to get a thought of my head before it disappears.

Discrimination.
Unless you've been living under a rock,
you've probably heard the following:
Blacks and other minorities in White-majority countries experience discrimination in every aspect of their lives; education, work, etc. (for Singapore, it's the Singaporean Chinese who do the discrimination).

The second most well-known (probably) type: Women are discriminated against by men.

And of course there are Whites and men who cry foul and claim THEY are the ones experiencing discrimination.

Now I'm generalizing, of course.
There's a wide spectrum of opinions on those two things,
but you couldn't guess it judging by the shit news that keeps coming to the forefront.

It's not black and white.
People can be great. People can be shitty.
There are those who will take advantage of a situation when the opportunity presents itself,
whether or not it's ethical (another motherfucking debatable issue which I won't get into here).

It is entirely possible that in some Black-majority neighbourhoods,
Whites get discriminated against.
And don't even get me started on the divorce custody cases when it comes to discrimination against men.

Marketers have known this for quite sometime now.
You may be targeting females aged between 25-40,
but your advertising needs to target the sub-groups within that group.
The women who are working professionals,
the ones who are fitness enthusiasts,
the ones who have a crazy obsession with kittens, etc.

It's not black and white.
There are sub-groups, and sub-groups of sub-groups.

Now don't get me wrong.
White on Black (or Chinese on Non-Chinese) discrimination is a serious issue and needs to be tackled.
But the approach must be localized.
If you misidentify the problem in an area,
how can you possibly provide the solution?

If you're targeting White-on-Black discrimination
in a Black-majority area where Whites get the shaft,
then you're only going to generate more resentment.

Also, it's fucking stupid.

All victims deserve our help.
Man, woman, child, Black, White, etc.
Be a fucking human being.

Man, despite my not being as articulate
as I'd like to be,
I'm glad I got that out of my skull.

Anyway, today is the first day of my 12-week transformation process.
By the end of this process,
I hope to be lean, with a bigger chest, arms and shoulders.
No more cutting corners.

I feel like shit,
and I know there'll be a ton of obstacles along the way.

But this mountain will be fucking scaled.

Day 1: Completed.


Well enough of that.

Charlie

It's Friday afternoon,
but the temperature is unusually, and pleasantly cool.
I'd say 25 degrees, if not slightly lower.

The baby's on the couch,
hopefully about to sleep.

And soon,
lunch will be ready.
So I don't have much time.

There was a shooting a few days ago in Paris,
of employees of a magazine that published cartoons of the Prophet Muhammad S.A.W.

People from 'around the world' were shocked and mourned their deaths.
By the way, when it comes to the mainstream media,
it appears 'around the world' does not include those living in villages and towns that are being ravaged by Western and Western-backed forces.
Nope.
Those are the 'un-people', don't you know?

The shooting did make me sad.
And as much as I disliked those who (in my opinion)
created and spread libel about someone they either know very little about,
or just don't give a damn about,
they did not deserve that.

They deserved criticism,
or even to be ignored.

But murder?
No.

On an article about this on the Intercept,
I came across a comment from someone named 'Glenn' (not Glenn Greenwald),
which mirrored my own thoughts:

"Modern wars kill 90% civilians and 10% soldiers.

Normal war has become terrorism.

I am outraged every day at the number of civilians targeted for killing. I am usually a somewhat isolated exception to the indifference to these murders of civilians and wonder why most people are so indifferent to the state war crime of killing civilians.

I am not an exception in my outrage on this exceptional day. Today I have company.

However, I expect most people to go back once again to their normal state of indifference once these “exceptionally worthy” victims are superseded by the more usual “unworthy” victims.

You know, the normalcy of war."

Already a few cartoonists have decided to express solidarity with the magazine

by publishing cartoons that remind me of the anti-semitic propaganda pieces the Nazis loved to use.

Almost as if these tragic deaths are cause for celebration for them:

Something that enables them to openly declare their bigotry,

or express it more brazenly.

All while hiding behind the cloak of 'solidarity', 'freedom of expression', and 'justified' anger.

The murderers should be brought o justice.

But were the victims protectors of the much-vaunted 'Freedom of Expression'?

Of course not.

Here's a nice little tidbit about them: They'd actually refused to publish cartoons of Jesus.

Why is that?

Can you imagine the drop in revenue and the condemnation they'd receive?

Nothing admirable about satirizing a community 

that's already facing a lot of discrimination in France. 

Real courage means satirizing the powerful, the oppressors, not the oppressed. 

I'd write more, 

but once again Windows 7 has slowed down to a crawl

and reminded me why I'm switching to a Mac. 

Well enough of that.

On the Road

I only have 10 minutes (maybe less),
and Windows seems determined to fuck it up for me so my whole day
can continue to feel shitty.

About an hour ago, or maybe two,
I read about an article about the things happy couples do (shut up).

One of those things was giving at least two 20-second hugs a day.
And you know what occurred to me?
I didn't want to do it.
Didn't feel like it.

Even kissing her on the lips feels almost forced.

Now don't get me wrong,
I don't hate her.
But for the first time,
I could see us splitting up and just being... friends.
Scares me a little.
But gave me a bit of relief as well.

As friends,
we can still raise our daughter.
She'll still experience the love of two parents.

So why am I feeling this way?
I'm tired, man.

Tired of always initiating sex,
tired of always making the move to enhance intimacy.

Tired of putting on that fake smile whenever shes asks if I'm
OK with the lack of sex,
whenever there's a drought (which seem to get longer and longer and longer each damn time).

I have to give a fake smile,
because saying it's NOT OK will lead to an argument
about how the atmosphere isn't right,
she just doesn't feel like it, etc.

That question is not to see if I'm OK.
It's to make herself feel better about withholding sex.
And when I don't reaffirm that,
apparently I become the asshole.

I can't remember the last time we had sex.
It seems like as soon as she knew she was pregnant,
as soon as she knew she's got what she wanted,
that was it.

I've had enough of this shit.
But I'll need to time it properly.

Can't split now,
with a newborn,
in a country far away from her family and friends.

When we finally manage to return to Korea,
that's when I'll put the wheels into motion.

Maybe things will change before then.
Maybe.
But after two years, I don't see that happening.

I can cheer up though.
We have a beautiful, smart baby girl.

And this also gives me the time to get back in shape both mentally and physically.
Once the door opens,
I'll be in the best condition I can be to get back on track.

Well enough of that.

Sydney Hostage Crisis

It was around mid-afternoon when it appeared in my Facebook feed:

An armed group had taken people hostage in a Sydney cafe.

Reminds me of when I first heard about 9-11,

when I was working out in a gym.

This is not a disclaimer.

I truly hope those held hostage are released and get to go home to their families.

So many emotions running through me right now.

Unlike when I first heard about 9-11,

I had no idea what the repercussions were going to be for innocent Muslims.

Now I do.

Man, I'm so skeptical that I wouldn't be surprised if decades later

we found out that it was a false flag operation.

I mean, how convenient for the current Australian government, eh?

Month after month of drumming up fear and hatred of 'those scary Muslims' 

to justify expansive, more invasive laws for 'security'.

And suddenly this happen?

I mean, what is the upside for the hostage-takers, really?

The rabid bigots will foam at the mouth screaming that all they care about is 

sowing 'terror'.

Right.

But for the Aussie government, hoo boy!

Just what they needed, man.

Who's going to stop them from passing the laws now?

And the bigots who were apprehensive about revealing their true nature

can now bask in self-righteousness in condemning 

an entire group of people,

most of whom just want to go to a cafe,

eat at a restaurant,

send their kids to school...

I've already come across so many comments

talking about 'Savage Muslims' against the 'Civilized West'.

Never mind the fact that Muslims in the West are part of their so-called 'Civilized West'.

Never mind the fact that so-called Western countries have been waging incredibly destructive wars

in predominantly Muslim countries decade after decade after decade.

Your cafe is being attacked?

They get attacked in their homes. Captured and tortured while on the way to buy bread.

War is being waged upon them.

Are people really so fucking dense to think that the war will remain firmly within the victims' borders?

I'm tired of formulating logical arguments against these motherfucking bigots.

These are the ones who are willfully blind.

They need to see 'the others' as different from who they are.

The lies they tell themselves as they chant repeatedly in their thick skulls "We are good, we are good!"

No. You're fucking evil.

This incident just drives home the point for me:

Get enough money to retire somewhere quiet, out of the way.

My little girl does not need to hear cowardly grown men shouting at her

for being what she is: A Muslim.

We will live in the countryside, 

on a farm with maybe a few goats or sheep. A few chickens maybe. Ponies too, maybe.

Yea that would be nice.

Precautions

I see the signs.
Some of which are so obvious,
that it's like they're screaming out at me.

The ones that men say they saw early on but ignored.
Or the ones that they tried to counter, but failed.
The men who have gone through the pain of divorce,
of losing their kids.

Some were lucky.
Got out without kids.
Not because they wouldn't have loved them,
but because they don't have to experience
the incredible sorrow that can only
come when kids are used as tools to hurt you.

Some weren't lucky. Aren't lucky.
Some realized too late.
And some stayed on,
wallowing in misery... for the kids.
Won't that misery affect the kids too?
I don't know.
They thought it was best at the time.
And besides,
if you're a guy in Singapore
or any other country in the 'West' (meh, probably anywhere in the world),
the chances of getting custody of your kids,
are slim.

Joint custody, sure.
Maybe twice a month.
Maybe.
And even then,
if she restricts your access,
too fucking bad.
Keeping paying child support and maintenance (Singapore).
Whether you get to see your kids or not is a different story.

So yeah.
The signs.

She wanted a child,
even though we'd agreed to wait until we after we'd got an apartment.
I mean, I knew what could happen of course.
Unprotected sex.
Sure.

But it just hit me.
After she knew she was pregnant,
we haven't had any sex.
None.
We almost tried once.
Didn't work out.

It's just oral sex.
And I could sense the reluctance.
Faint, but still there.

This is just the latest sign.
There are many others,
but for the life of me my mind has just went blank.
Maybe it's the fatigue.

Or maybe I'm just paranoid.
I remembered them just a few moments ago,
on the way back from the store.

Or maybe the (probably inevitable) scenario
of hot having any kind of sex for years,
while staying for our kid
has thrown me off course.

No. I will not.
I will not be miserable.

Maybe she's doing it without realizing it.
Maybe she does know exactly what she's doing.

Doesn't matter.
I will not be trapped in a miserable marriage.
I will not.

Doesn't mean I have to start getting out,
trying to get with other women.
Doesn't mean I need to start treating her like crap,
being rude or distant.
No.

It just means I need to be aware and take precautions.
Keep fit.
Become attractive.
Re-learn those skills, and sharpen them from time to time.

Be in a position where,
IF it does happen,
I'll be in a decent enough position to weather the storm.

Maybe I'm paranoid,
and reading too much into nothing.

But the signs are there.
Maybe the storm will change course and avoid us.

But it's always better to be prepared.

The first thing to focus on is to get fit.
Get that physique I want. I need.

Well enough of that.

On the Precipice

Man, I really need to reduce these gaps between posts.
It's been a while, and as is usually the case,
things are not quite peachy.

I originally wanted to post about racism in Singapore.
Specifically, Chinese racism towards minorities.
Once again, as I face the spectre of unemployment,
the lack of interview offers has reminded me of just how bad it still can get
here in this shit country.

When a Chinese ex-colleague who is less-qualified
and less experienced is able to jump back and forth between jobs,
and has no problems getting interviews for superior jobs,
then you know something is still the fuck up.

I'm officially a director now. And I can't even get a motherfucking interview.

Yeah, maybe it's not about race each and every time.
But think about it this way: If you happen to be Chinese,
you don't need to worry about it.

If you didn't get the job, it's likely someone more suitable for the role did.
Unless that person happens to be White,
which is a whole other story.

And if you happen to be a Chinese Singaporean who is upset about losing out
to a lesser-experienced White person,
then to you I say this:

HOW DOES IT FEEL, BITCH?

Now I do understand that this will just appear
to you as more whining,
and I agree with you.
Completely.

Now go fuck yourself with a flaming chainsaw.

There's so much more I'd like to write,
but the office is not exactly the most conducive of places.

And my mind feels... blank.

Well enough of that.