I only have 10 minutes (maybe less),
and Windows seems determined to fuck it up for me so my whole day
can continue to feel shitty.
About an hour ago, or maybe two,
I read about an article about the things happy couples do (shut up).
One of those things was giving at least two 20-second hugs a day.
And you know what occurred to me?
I didn't want to do it.
Didn't feel like it.
Even kissing her on the lips feels almost forced.
Now don't get me wrong,
I don't hate her.
But for the first time,
I could see us splitting up and just being... friends.
Scares me a little.
But gave me a bit of relief as well.
As friends,
we can still raise our daughter.
She'll still experience the love of two parents.
So why am I feeling this way?
I'm tired, man.
Tired of always initiating sex,
tired of always making the move to enhance intimacy.
Tired of putting on that fake smile whenever shes asks if I'm
OK with the lack of sex,
whenever there's a drought (which seem to get longer and longer and longer each damn time).
I have to give a fake smile,
because saying it's NOT OK will lead to an argument
about how the atmosphere isn't right,
she just doesn't feel like it, etc.
That question is not to see if I'm OK.
It's to make herself feel better about withholding sex.
And when I don't reaffirm that,
apparently I become the asshole.
I can't remember the last time we had sex.
It seems like as soon as she knew she was pregnant,
as soon as she knew she's got what she wanted,
that was it.
I've had enough of this shit.
But I'll need to time it properly.
Can't split now,
with a newborn,
in a country far away from her family and friends.
When we finally manage to return to Korea,
that's when I'll put the wheels into motion.
Maybe things will change before then.
Maybe.
But after two years, I don't see that happening.
I can cheer up though.
We have a beautiful, smart baby girl.
And this also gives me the time to get back in shape both mentally and physically.
Once the door opens,
I'll be in the best condition I can be to get back on track.
Well enough of that.
