I see the signs.
Some of which are so obvious,
that it's like they're screaming out at me.
The ones that men say they saw early on but ignored.
Or the ones that they tried to counter, but failed.
The men who have gone through the pain of divorce,
of losing their kids.
Some were lucky.
Got out without kids.
Not because they wouldn't have loved them,
but because they don't have to experience
the incredible sorrow that can only
come when kids are used as tools to hurt you.
Some weren't lucky. Aren't lucky.
Some realized too late.
And some stayed on,
wallowing in misery... for the kids.
Won't that misery affect the kids too?
I don't know.
They thought it was best at the time.
And besides,
if you're a guy in Singapore
or any other country in the 'West' (meh, probably anywhere in the world),
the chances of getting custody of your kids,
are slim.
Joint custody, sure.
Maybe twice a month.
Maybe.
And even then,
if she restricts your access,
too fucking bad.
Keeping paying child support and maintenance (Singapore).
Whether you get to see your kids or not is a different story.
So yeah.
The signs.
She wanted a child,
even though we'd agreed to wait until we after we'd got an apartment.
I mean, I knew what could happen of course.
Unprotected sex.
Sure.
But it just hit me.
After she knew she was pregnant,
we haven't had any sex.
None.
We almost tried once.
Didn't work out.
It's just oral sex.
And I could sense the reluctance.
Faint, but still there.
This is just the latest sign.
There are many others,
but for the life of me my mind has just went blank.
Maybe it's the fatigue.
Or maybe I'm just paranoid.
I remembered them just a few moments ago,
on the way back from the store.
Or maybe the (probably inevitable) scenario
of hot having any kind of sex for years,
while staying for our kid
has thrown me off course.
No. I will not.
I will not be miserable.
Maybe she's doing it without realizing it.
Maybe she does know exactly what she's doing.
Doesn't matter.
I will not be trapped in a miserable marriage.
I will not.
Doesn't mean I have to start getting out,
trying to get with other women.
Doesn't mean I need to start treating her like crap,
being rude or distant.
No.
It just means I need to be aware and take precautions.
Keep fit.
Become attractive.
Re-learn those skills, and sharpen them from time to time.
Be in a position where,
IF it does happen,
I'll be in a decent enough position to weather the storm.
Maybe I'm paranoid,
and reading too much into nothing.
But the signs are there.
Maybe the storm will change course and avoid us.
But it's always better to be prepared.
The first thing to focus on is to get fit.
Get that physique I want. I need.
Well enough of that.
