Wilderness

Ah yes, 'Wilderness'.
Makes me sound fucking deep, eh?

Saturday morning,
it's 9 and sunlight fills the entire living room...
open windows frame the trees and white sky...
 so bright.

I love days like these.

So last night,
I was out with Jill, Bridget and Vivian...

Now parties at pubs, clubs... aren't exactly my kind of thing.

But I figured eh, hanging out with my friends once in a while can't hurt...
also, it reminds of just how little I'm missing out on.
Heh.

They actually left me alone,
and THEN texted me,
asking where I was... and then saying they'd left.

Jill apologised twice...
which just fucking annoyed me.

That's like apologising to the bank...
WHILE you're robbing it.


To be honest, that was more than fine with me.
In the past, I'd use the opportunity to meet new girls...
and just practice talking with them...

But I was missing my girlfriend.
AND I was pretty damn tired, too.

Nonetheless, Jill and Bridget just placed me in an awkward situation.

I will not tolerate people being assholes towards me.
And being put in a position of how to react on Monday, annoys me greatly.

Ah well.
I'll just roll with it.

Friendships to me, are like any other kind of non-family relationship:
The moment you feel like shit, it's time to bail.

I'll see how they react,
but if I have to cut Jill loose (I'm not very close to Bridget anyway)...
then that's fine.

Doesn't mean I'll start acting like an asshole in return.
Because I'm not pissed.
But I do prefer to surround myself with positive energy... positive people.

Goddammit I sound like a hippie.


But yea...

Friends respect you. Period.





Just had a chat on the phone with an annoying
Customer Service Singaporean...
and her stupidity and ignorance seeped through her voice.

I'm probably just a little biased.
Never really been a big fan of Singaporeans to begin with (bah hahah).

But damn,
even when you make an effort...
some of them seem bent on confirming the stereotypes:
That they are racist... ignorant... can't speak proper English...

And then it hit me.
I was struggling to articulate my thoughts.

Man, I really need to write more often.
And read, too.



My deadline still looms in the distance.
Like distant storm clouds... moving slowly... but steadily towards me.

And yet, I can't imagine my life
without her...

Marriage used to be such a repellant thought to me.
To be tied down to someone...
and practically held hostage,
thanks to the divorce laws...

The risks FAR outweigh the benefits.

But I love her.
Maybe it's just the chemicals.

How many guys have said and felt the exact same thing...
only to get burned?
It works both ways, too.

I've still got my deadline, though.
It is menacing... yet comforts me at the same time.

A way out.

I want to be with her.
I want to have kids with her... grow old together... share inside jokes...
kiss her lips... all of those things.

But I'm also aware of the risks.
Welcome to Life, eh?



Well enough of that

Jenia

It's 5 minutes to 11pm, and I am exhausted.
So hard to remain awake...

I wanted to preserve this moment. This thought.
Even if my words aren't exactly the ones I'd choose normally...
the thought must be saved.

Something weird has happened to me.
Quite odd.

I've fallen in love.
Truly, deeply.
I would die for her. And I've never even met her yet.

Something tells me one day, she will break my heart.
And even if I know that to be true,
I wouldn't change a damn thing.

Yep.
Maybe you don't get wiser with age...

She isn't even the type I've fantasised about for years and years...

No red hair,
she's not White...
she isn't as sarcastic as me... doesn't curse...

Even her body type and age...
She is not 25 or younger...

And yet I love her.
Everything about her.

Her eyes, her lips...
Her hair... her smile...

Her accent... the words she uses.
I mean come ON, man...
even the WORDS SHE USES...

Haven't known her for too long.
About 2 months so far.

And I love her.
As I search my brain for better phrases, better words to use...
better images...

It hits me.
I've kind of let myself go, intellectually.

I want to read more books... write more..
watch more stand-up comedy,
watch more of the type of movies that I like...

So I'll be able to regain those phrases...
I do not want to manipulate her. Not at all.

I want to serenade her with poetry and flowers. All of that stuff.
Don't give a damn if it's lame-ass.
I want to do it.

Got into The Game, and began getting results...
but I kind of stopped mid-way through.

Meeting her was an unexpectedly pleasant surprise.

She makes me want to be a better man.
I was already on a journey to self-improvement... and she's like the turbo-boost that drives me even harder.

But perhaps, I shouldn't stop mid-way.
I must keep learning.
Just need to remain within the boundaries...

This is part of my journey, and I must complete it.

I would never betray her,
so I'm not worried at all.

Goddamn, this is a long post.
And here I was, about to talk about how I sometimes loathe myself
for trying to fit in...

The expats in the office, for example.
Romka.
They sure can make someone feel like crap.

But it's my fault...
Problem is... a part of me was still seeking validation.

They are who they are.
Perhaps they feel they are superior simply because of where they're from (Europe/US)...

Or perhaps they don't like the way I look...

Or perhaps this... or that...

So many assumptions. It doesn't matter.

What matters is how I feel.
I control that. What's the point of loathing them, or myself?

None.

You recognise a mistake, you acknowledge it, you move on.


And sure, I'm trying to make more friends, so if Jenia comes to stay with me (IF),
she'll have friends to hang out with...

But hey, she deserves more credit than that.
She's smart, she's funny, and she's very beautiful... warm, and thoughtful.
Tender and kind...

She'll be fine, and is more than capable of making her own friends.

I will hang out with the people I want... WHEN I choose to...
and most of the time, I prefer being alone...
exploring... hell, even taking part in competitions alone.

I love it.

So if others won't accept me, after I've offered a hand in friendship,
then so be it.
Their loss, man.


Heh.
Pre-Jenia, and a few months back,
this post would probably be filled with words like 'fuck', 'motherfucker', 'fucking motherfucking cocksuckers'-
Well, you get the idea.

She's already helping me to be a better man.

And I love her for it so much.

Lipfucksmackcunty

 It's Monday.
One lipfucksmackcunty hell of a Monday.

Yep.
Lipfucksmackcunty.
I should copyright that.

Anyway,
found out today that my Team Lead is
going to be moving into a fully operational capacity.
Meaning she'll be looking after the data.
Period.

This, is GOOD fucking news.
Idiot can't sell water to a dehydrated millionaire.

And then.
THEN I find out who's gonna be our new Sales Team Lead.
The one who's gonna 'coach us'.
And then 'test' and fucking GRADE us.

Patrick.
The White guy who was transferred to another struggling team...
filled with Japanese people.

Now I don't give a shit what your race or nationality is.

But man oh man.
White American with (wait for it) AMERICAN ACCENT!!!
OH MY GOD.
LET US SUCK HIS COCK AND WORSHIP THE GROUND HE WALKS ON.
HE HAS AN ACCENT.
THEREFORE EVERYTHING HE SAYS MUST BE CORRECT.

He got promoted twice over me to Team Lead,
while I had to fucking deal with
my existing Lead trying to screw me over (can't use fuck all the damn time).

So now, I'm an Account Rep; 2 steps below him.
AND soon I'll have to fucking REPORT to him?
ARE YOU SHITTING ME??

Now look.
If you get the job based on merit.
Then fuck yes I will respect you.

Here's the thing.
When we were in the same team,
I outperformed him.

And now he's gonna GRADE ME??


What the hell is this?
Just because the stupid local Account Manager (OK he's Malaysian, same fucken thing)(shut up),
sucks his cock, does NOT make him better than me.

And to top it off,
the members of my team,
all female Asians...
will pick up where they left off with him i.e. suck his cock.

Now it's a goddamn stereotype, I know.

But with these stupid bitches, it's a fact.


I've already got an interview lined up tomorrow,
not to mention a long-term goal of getting that gig in Australia.

There are options.
Once Dec the 25th hits, I'll probably take one of them.




Oh, and there's the matter of this
super-cute blonde chick.
She's not the largest eyes...
and the most amazing smile I'd seen in a long, long time.

For a brief moment,
I thought hey,
if something happens,
I might just stay because of her.

And then I slapped my face.
And kicked myself in the nuts.

Nothing's ever gonna happen.
Nothing ever does.

I'll try.
But yea... nothing ever changes.
And when I crash and burn,
I'll probably be happy to leave.

Well enough of that.

The Arena

Saturday morning,
and I'm up before 6.

Been up for what seemed like
4-5 hours...
but it's only 8.

Haven't seen the morning sun in a long time.
Not really, anyway.

Rushing to the office
and watching the sky brighten in between
reading e-mails and making calls
isn't exactly what I'd call 'appreciating nature'.

So this is the morning after the annual 'Dinner and Dance'.
Held at a club.
Was like being in a club.

I fucking hate clubs.

But last night was different.
It was breathtakingly depressing.

Hell, apart from suicide,
I kept thinking of stabbing myself.
In the face, especially.

I gotta be honest.

I am a little selfish.
A part of me WANTS to be accepted.

Yeah, I WANT them to like me.
I WANT to fit in,
be one of them.
I WANT to be invited to parties.

I want all that.
Even on the cusp of turning 30.
I want it.

And I tried.
I really fucking tried, too.

Problem with that is,
I don't drink.
I don't dance.
OK I CAN'T dance.

When people hear music,
hear a beat,
they get the urge to tap their feet at least.

Not me.
Nothing.
Nada.
Zip.

Maybe I'm damaged somehow.

And I'm ugly.
Not being self-deprecating.
I don't have a problem with it.
Others do, however.

Anybody who's wanting in the looks department,
and expects to be treated equally in a club,
can also expect to win a million bucks and
grow wings so he fly with pigs.

Shit will NEVER happen.

And yeah,
I'm talking about the women.

The guy were fine.
OK not really.

Most of them were fucking annoying.
Mainly because the women were there.

Now don't get me wrong,
some of the ladies were all right.

They were nice.
Friendly.
I'm not expecting to get laid.
Just smile and say Hi or something, you cunts.
After all, I gotta see your faces in the office on Monday.

But the majority.
Ah yes.

I was pretty much ignored for most of the night.
Fuck, even Natalie who decided to park her boney ass
opposite my seat,
didn't say a single word to me.

I hate this.
Collective rejection.

You feel like you're not good enough
to even have a conversation with.

And I tried.

That's the rub.
Why the fuck did I try.

You fucking moron.
You will NEVER be accepted.
Are you shitting me?
You're 30.
Give it up.

Yeah...
I need to make a choice.

Keep trying,
or just run at light speed in the other direction.

All I want.
All I fucking want,
is to finally be able to date someone that I'm really into.

Hasn't happened in more than a decade.

I don't want sex.
I don't want to drink.

It's like just doing anything without alcohol
would kill a girl of boredom.

ALL I want,
is someone I can call at the end of day,
and have dinner with.
Maybe watch a movie.
Relax.

Fucking lame, I know.

But that is what I want.
And I need to change that.

In fact, you know what?
Fuck it.

I'll re-instate one of the rules I set for myself in the past.

If you're above 25,
you're past your sell-by date.

Used up.

And fuck you if you find it offensive.
Fuck you.
And fuck off.

You had your fun,
and now what, you wanna slow down, huh?

Yeah,
I expect the only chicks I'll get,
are the ones who let themselves go...
and the ones men don't give a second look.

Fuck them (not literally, you goddamn pervert).


Ahh... that was a good rant.

I'm done trying to fit in.
The only friend I can rely on...
is my words.

Even if Blogger gets taken down.
My words will come back.
And I'll start all over.

And I'll be fine.

People are not worth it.
Fuck them.

And fuck you, too.


Well enough of that.

Yep

My life fucking blows.
Say whatever the hell you want,
but when you keep getting rejected by various people...
after trying a variety of methods...
for more than 15 years,
It KINDA gets on your nerves a little bit.
Gets you down.

The only one left out.
Everybody gets their little prize...
and all you get is sympathetic looks and words.

A gift for someone who's leaving the office today.
Hey come on,
I'm not expecting a fucking song and dance.

But holy shit,
she took pictures with the ones who were there while
I just stood around like a fucking dumbass.
Even a handshake, goddamit.
Is that too much to ask?

Fuck people.
Maybe it's just Singapore. Or Asians.
Now I'm just rambling.

Once the offer becomes official...
I'm taking it.
You can bet your ass I'm taking it.

Well enough of that

Which Page Are We On, Now?

Sunday, and I feel weird.
Unpleasant.
Not sure if I'm about to fall sick,
or getting better.

So yeah,
it's official.
My Team Leader is trying to get rid of me.
Or at least fuck my career up.
Same thing, the way I see it.

Why can't I just work in place
and not have to deal with all this political bullshit?

Could be the colour of my skin.
I'm considered 'Malay', and she's a Chinese from Malaysia,
working in Singapore.

In fact,
all but one of my team members are Malaysian.

Maybe she just wants to push Malaysians,
especially my Chinese Malaysian teammate instead of me.

Well that's one theory.
Maybe she just hates my guts for some other reason.

I don't give a shit.
I can deal with the little things;
being excluded from unofficial group meetings,
snide remarks, etc.

But when you send a nasty e-mail to my (our) boss,
calling me 'lazy' and 'rude'...
When you do it just before my review date,
you pretty much announce your intentions.

I'm done. Fuck it.

I tried talking with my boss,
but he's a pretty busy dude,
and just brushed it off.

Well it bothers me a lot
that he doesn't see a pattern.

A gradual build-up.

One bad review is all you need to fuck your progression up
in the company for years.

So yeah,
I'm done with this shit.

There's an opening in Australia,
for a gig with more responsibilities.
Oh yeah,
and it would pay at least double what I'm making now.

I've got a pretty good shot at landing it.

It would be a huge move, of course.
That is, IF I got the offer.
My first ever flight was to Macau a few weeks ago for the weekend.

So many things to consider.
Probably will stick out like a sore thumb (really? who the fuck notices an actual sore thumb anyway?).

I don't drink,
I don't smoke.
The way I dance makes a jumping rabid chicken on crack look graceful.

Then I got to thinking about what I'd be leaving behind.
Not really too close with my family.

No close friends.
I hang out night after night at home.
Rarely get invited to events.

Shit, I sound fucking emo.
Goddammit, I AM emo.
Fuck Singapore. Fuck Singaporeans.

Yep.
I won't be leaving much behind,
just an empty room.
Plus, maybe the change of scenery would do me good.
Or drive me batshit crazy.
Either one's fine with me.

Getting ahead of myself right now.
If anything's gonna happen,
it'll only take place a month or two from now.

Another week tomorrow.
But I'm seeing things differently now.

Well enough of that

The Tide

It's been more than a year.
For a brief period, I thought yea, this is it. I'll be here for a while, I think.

BUt it's starting again.
No matter what I do, people turn against me.
Now I gotta admit,
most of them weren't exactly crazy about me before.

The ones who DID think I deserved a fair shake.
They worry me now.

It always starts the same way.
No matter what I do,
try to keep a low profile, get out of the way,
it still comes.

The tide comes in, and there's nothing you can do about it.

OK, OK... no more fucking cliched metaphors.


I am depressed.
Can't get myself to work out.

This month has been a wash.
When in the past,
I had so much energy.

Hell, I enjoyed the fasting month...
gave me an excuse to work out
without having to eat 2 hours before.

What in the hell is going on?
I wish I knew.

Maybe it's just me.
Maybe I'm just a fucking dumbass.

Well enough of that.