Madness

Of all the shit that's happening right now,
especially just two days before our 10-hour flight,
this had to happen NOW.

Motherfucker.

I've just come to the realization that
my own mother can't be trusted to look after my 2 year-old daughter.

Is it because she's a narcissist?
Plain evil?
Does she want extra money?
I have no idea.
I really don't, but the results are always the same:
She ends up doing the things she wants to do,
even if these things harm others.

She's got a million excuses.
The reasons always change.
But the actions...
the things that she's been expressly forbidden from doing...
she'd do.

Growing up,
she'd randomly take my things
and either move them,
hide them,
or just straight up throw them away.

Once, she even took legal documents for a court case,
and just randomly placed them in a drawer
that nobody would think to look in for them.

I only found out because luckily,
I'd wanted to have a look at them right after she moved them.

At first she denied it,
then admitted moving them.
Couldn't believe my eyes when I saw where she'd placed them.
You'd spend hours looking for those important documents.

Oh yea,
and she had a habit of moving my shit,
then forgetting where she moved them to.
So if I'd taken too long to look for those documents,
I would've been well and truly fucked.

Which almost happened,
when SHE TOOK THE FUCKING DOCUMENTS
OUT OF MY BAG WITHOUT TELLING ME,
and only remembered when we were in court,
and I had to produce those documents.

But all of that pales in comparison
to the line she's crossed multiple times.

My wife has a mild allergy to certain foods,
including stuff that has a lot of protein.

Looks like my daughter has them too.
So we avoid giving her too much protein-heavy foods,
and other types of snacks,
since she's had allergic reactions before in the form of itchy rashes.

I also avoid giving her anything with sugar.
She gets enough of that in natural foods,
and doesn't need the problems that come with it.
There'll be enough of it later down the road.

So we tell my mom the reasons why
certain foods should not be given to our daughter.

Turns out,
she's been giving her those foods on the sly.
Then turns around and wonders why I'm livid.
I get accidentally doing it the first time.
But a second time, secretly in the bedroom?
What the hell is wrong with you?

I'd later find out that she'd continued to do it.

Why? Man, your guess is as good as mine.

Now, I haven't been the perfect son,
hell, far from it.
In fact, it's a source of shame for me that
nearly every conversation I have with my mom
turns into a goddamn argument.

So before our trip and long stay overseas,
I wanted to make amends.
Maybe time away from her would be good.

And just two days away,
my daughter gets a rash on her neck.
Could've been an insect bite, could be an allergic reaction,
and could be an infection like the last time.

And if it's an infection,
we'd need to visit the doctor ASAP and get the medication before the flight.

Here's the fucked up part:
We couldn't just eliminate the allergic thing,
because of my mom's inexplicable desire to feed her the crap she wants to feed her.
It's not like my daughter was even aware of the existence of that crap.
Nope.
SHE FUCKING INTRODUCES IT TO HER.

The rest of the family is mindful.
But for some insane reason, not her.

So I ask her if she'd fed her biscuits.
Denial.
So I ask again (the truth tends to come out after much prodding).
Denial.
OK I try to explain to her that it could be an allergic reaction,
so I need to know exactly what she fed her,
so we'll know what to do.
She cuts me off repeatedly,
alternating between saying it's an insect bite and that she didn't give her any biscuits.

I try to know what she fed her.
Nope.
No biscuits.
What about other foods?
It's an insect bite. And no biscuits.
Over and over again like a broken fucking record.

WHAT ABOUT OTHER FOODS.
And this is when she too begins to raise her voice,
looking to others to support her.

JESUS FUCKING CHRIST.

As usual,
she flat out refuses to answer a basic simple question,
even if it means that treatment for my daughter could be delayed
and she has to suffer for it.

She is two years old.
And my mom is doing what? To prove a fucking point?
Hell, if she were doing it for money or revenge, at least it would make some sense.
But I have no fucking clue.

So there we are,
arguing in front of my daughter,
as I try to get my wife to bring her into the room.

AND STILL I DON'T HAVE THE ANSWER.
She just refuses to answer the question.
Over and over again.

After multiple times,
finally, one by one the answers are dragged out.
Painfully slowly.
At first, she'd answered with 'Not biscuits'.
And then came 'Just bread'.
More prodding.
'Rice'.
'The dish my wife prepared specifically for my daughter'.
'Potato from the food stall near the playground (which she was NOT supposed to fucking do)'
And then finally... 'Eggs'.
She'd had a mild allergic reaction to eggs like, one or two days before,
because she had too much,
and if you add eggs now,
she'd likely get another reaction.

It took a lot of shouting,
and lot threatening,
prodding,
back and forth to get a simple fucking answer.

Even when it involved the well-being of her granddaughter.
If we were already in the air,
and it turns out that she has an infection,
being away from Singapore is a BAD THING,
especially since we're traveling to a place where
not too many people speak English,
including the doctors.

Why hide that?
Hell, why the opposition to the very notion
that she could be having an allergic reaction?
What the fuck?

And even now,
there could've been other foods
she'd given her, including biscuits that she'd had an allergic reaction to before.

That's when it hit me.
She can't be trusted.
She just can't.
Whatever the reasons for her actions,
and no matter how many times she's told of why
certain things should not be done,
the results are always the same:
She does what she wants.
Even when it means her granddaughter suffers.

She can't be trusted to be alone with my child.
I have very little doubt she'll play the victim,
and a different kind of story will make its way
to my relatives.

But I can no longer trust her.
I can't even trust that she will change.
Like back when I was growing up,
she'd always say that she wouldn't do it again.
Then time would pass.
Sometimes a week. Sometimes a month or more.
And she'd do the exact same thing.

But she'd do it only when I wasn't around.

Then came the time when I was in between jobs or something,
because I remember being at home a lot.
At the very least,
she wouldn't move my things when I'm around, right?
Nope.

She waited until I was asleep,
and proceeded to do the exact same thing. AGAIN.

No.
It always ends up escalating.
Always.

I can't take the risk anymore.
I will never allow her to be alone with my daughter for extended periods.
I might go to the bathroom,
or send an email.
And then I'll head back.

Or if we need a sitter,
I'll make sure that someone else is with her throughout the time.

She cannot be trusted to be alone with my daughter.
And it is her doing.
I will never trust her again.
And that is a really fucked up thing to have to say about your own mother.

Well enough of that.

Perpetual Loop

It's 5.47pm,
and the sky is grey.
The trees and buildings and grass look wet and clean and fresh.

Wish I could say the same for myself.
For the past couple of years,
I've tired pretty easily.
And every once in a while, when I don't get enough sleep
- and it seems like I need more than the average person -
I get a crippling headache that lasts for hours.

I don't know what the problem is,
and I can't afford the tests to find out.

A part of me things it's because of my weight,
so that's one of the reasons I'm desperately - fucking desperately! - trying to lose weight.

Maybe the cause of the snoring is also the cause of my perpetual fatigue.

Fortunately, I've been able to land relatively well-paying gigs
that don't require a lot of physical labour and allow me to work from home a lot of the time.

But here's the thing though,
I HAVE to work.

We leave for Korea in about five days,
and I'm unemployed.

I mean sure, we've talked about starting a business,
and even her mom has decided to invest.

I'm worried. Very worried.
And I'm fairly certain she doesn't share my concerns.

No matter how many times I tell her
that I've got a fatigue problem,
no matter how many times I tell her that during the weekday,
during office hours,
I HAVE to fucking work,
it seems like nothing really gets through to her.
Not really.

We've even argued about it a few times.
It's pretty clear that she doesn't think it's so much
as a fatigue problem as it is my being lazy.

And on top of this,
she expects me to help out with the baby constantly throughout the day.

I've explained again and again,
I can't do that,
and work at the same time.

She kind of phases out the multiple times throughout the day
that I help her out.
It's like nothing ever happened.

To her,
even if I'd helped out for many hours on and off
throughout the day,
all she can remember is how I helped out just a little bit,
and all she can focus on is how tired she is looking after the baby.

She says she gets it.
Oh yes, and she gets very emotional about it, too.

She absolutely gets it.
Yep.

And nothing changes.
It might change for a day or two,
but she always reverts.

Always.

She can't put herself in other people's shoes,
not really.

Hell, she can crack a mean-spirited joke
and laugh about it,
but if you throw the same joke - and I mean the exact same one -
she gets upset,
not seeing how it affects other people.
Not really.

And if I were to start a business,
there is no doubt in my mind,
I'd have to dedicate even more time to that,
than I had to for my other previous jobs.
She says she gets it.
She fucking doesn't.
She does not.
Don't think she ever will.

It's like she's been living in bubble,
and now that she's out of it,
can't see the real world for what it is.

We're fucked.
We are well and truly fucked, and I don't know what to do.

She judges me when I'm on the internet watching a video
in between working.
She judges me when I'm resting.

And now that I'm unemployed,
she judges me for that, too.

And still I fucking try.
I'm on my goddamn hands and knees struggling against the fatigue
trying to ensure a good future for both of them,
all the while having her look over my shoulder,
making dismissive fucking comments.

If you ask her though,
she'll say she's supportive.
And then go back to putting me down.

I'll figure something out, I will.
It's hard to tune it out sometimes,
but for the time being,
that's exactly what I have to do.

Oh yea,
and if she were to ever come across this post,
the ONLY thing she'd take away from this,
is how it makes her look.
There will be zero reflection.
She is a fucking saint in her eyes.

And that's the really disappointing thing.

Well enough of that.

Goddamn Racists

It's been a while since I've had a proper argument,
the kind that works your mind,
increases your intelligence.
The kind that forces you to think critically.

When you read article after article involving racism
and the short, racist comments and their responses,
it's easy to just sort of go with the flow.
Keep scrolling down until you see someone who
posts a response that articulates how you feel.

And that's a problem.
I should be able to articulate how I feel.
Depending on others - especially when I don't realize it - makes my mind weak.

Every once in a while I'll get upset at a comment,
and only realize how weak I am when I can't even come up
with a coherent counter-argument in my mind.

This shit takes practice.
I've got to take the same approach when it comes to working out my mind
as well as body.

*Looks down at body*

Goddammit. Looks like I've got a really long way to go.
But hey, the mountain isn't going to climb itself.

Oh yea and before I end this,
fuck the racists and bigots who are opposed to helping out refugees.
Especially the motherfucking faux liberals.

You are the Nazis and Nazi sympathisers.
You are the ones who turned the Jewish children back to be massacred.
You are the ones who support the killing of minorities in other countries,
who cheer the destruction of their homes and livelihoods.

You have existed for centuries and will continue to do so.
Sure your faces and ethnicities may change, but you've always been around.
Like Herpes.
You are the animals who bring the rest of us down.
And you will continue to be opposed.
Fuck all of you.

Well enough of that.

Arrogance

There was a time that I almost believed
my wife and daughter would never come across my blog.
Never read my thoughts.
So I could say what I felt at that moment...
even unreasonable, stupid shit.

This blog is a release valve.

But man, the arrogance of that thought, you know?
Thinking they'd never uncover this.
A part of me feels selfish, too.
My daughter when she's old enough should be able to see what her dad was really like.
His stupid and brilliant and angry thoughts.
All of it.

If either of them come across this, and have reached this far,
just know this: I love you both very much, I really do.

I may express anger and frustration in the posts that come before and after,
but nothing changes how I feel about you two.
I'd die for you.
And I mean every word.

Like any person,
I also evolve.
My opinion on something may change the following week, or month or year.

My hope is that I keep growing into a more decent, kind human being.
Keep getting better in mind and body.

Anyway, I should probably have written something more deep and moving.
But it's 7.23am, and I'm exhausted.
AND I have to hit the gym soon. I probably won't until later in the afternoon. Or evening.

The struggle goes on.

Well enough of that.

Still Fucking Exhausted

There were a lot of things I wanted to write about.

From stupid, dangerous extremist, nationalist Indians
who love existing in their own goddamn echo chambers,
to the American election,
to the shit that's happening at my 'workplace'.
I say that because I'm now getting paid only by commission,
and the company continues to fuck up,
especially when it comes to preparing demos.

But right now I'm just exhausted.
34 years old. Holy shit.
Time really does fly.

Still forced to live with my parents.
None of my business ideas have really taken off,
and right now I'm too tired to actually take any meaningful steps forward.

Oh, and I'm still fat as fuck.
Trying to push myself as hard as I can before Korea to see what happens.
If I can lose a lot of weight in two weeks without even focused exercising,
like I did when I visited Australia,
I wonder what a focused approach for a whole month would result in.
Let's see what breaks first.

Well enough of that

Trying to get Back on Track

It's 10.30am, 

and my brain's still groggy. Vision still slightly blurry too.

Oh yea and I've got to go to the bathroom so bad.

The baby's just woken up, 

and soon I won't have the time to write anything, so here goes.

Came across this article today:

https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2016/sep/10/as-lionel-shriver-made-light-of-identity-i-had-no-choice-but-to-walk-out-on-her

I can just imagine the goddamn racists trying to explain away 

her concerns,

using superficial arguments that totally disregard the main points she's trying to make.

It's basically people trying to argue why they

should be allowed to continue to dehumanise and mock the cultures of people 

who have been historically and are currently still discriminated against.

There's a lot more I'd like to say, but there's no more time left.

Well enough of that.

Powerful GIS SaaS

Whoa.
Haven't felt this excited in ages.
It feels like the high I try to get every time I down multiple cups of coffee.

I've got yet another business idea,
and it is going to be MASSIVE.

The others are going to be put on the back-burner until I (try to) get this off the ground.

A powerful GIS SaaS that includes all the advanced functions you'd find
in the workhorse desktop programs like MapInfo and ArcGIS for Desktop.

It'll also include the data that you'd likely need,
from demographic to geographic and everything in between.

All of this. FOR FREE.
I'll be emulating the Zenefits model.

This has the potential to be a major game-changer and just putting together
the initial framework would likely cost tens of millions of dollars.

But it can work. I know it can.
Millions of dollars, man.

Of course there's a little voice deep in me...
calling out in a corner...
telling me that it's the realist.
My 'Common Sense'.

It won't work.
It won't work like all your other goddamn ideas.

But you know what?
I've come this far.
From earning almost nothing,
with people spitting on me,
looking down on me...
to earning a higher than the average university grad.

I've come this far.
What's a few more steps?

Well enough of that.