Friday, November 18, 2016

Perpetual Loop

It's 5.47pm,
and the sky is grey.
The trees and buildings and grass look wet and clean and fresh.

Wish I could say the same for myself.
For the past couple of years,
I've tired pretty easily.
And every once in a while, when I don't get enough sleep
- and it seems like I need more than the average person -
I get a crippling headache that lasts for hours.

I don't know what the problem is,
and I can't afford the tests to find out.

A part of me things it's because of my weight,
so that's one of the reasons I'm desperately - fucking desperately! - trying to lose weight.

Maybe the cause of the snoring is also the cause of my perpetual fatigue.

Fortunately, I've been able to land relatively well-paying gigs
that don't require a lot of physical labour and allow me to work from home a lot of the time.

But here's the thing though,
I HAVE to work.

We leave for Korea in about five days,
and I'm unemployed.

I mean sure, we've talked about starting a business,
and even her mom has decided to invest.

I'm worried. Very worried.
And I'm fairly certain she doesn't share my concerns.

No matter how many times I tell her
that I've got a fatigue problem,
no matter how many times I tell her that during the weekday,
during office hours,
I HAVE to fucking work,
it seems like nothing really gets through to her.
Not really.

We've even argued about it a few times.
It's pretty clear that she doesn't think it's so much
as a fatigue problem as it is my being lazy.

And on top of this,
she expects me to help out with the baby constantly throughout the day.

I've explained again and again,
I can't do that,
and work at the same time.

She kind of phases out the multiple times throughout the day
that I help her out.
It's like nothing ever happened.

To her,
even if I'd helped out for many hours on and off
throughout the day,
all she can remember is how I helped out just a little bit,
and all she can focus on is how tired she is looking after the baby.

She says she gets it.
Oh yes, and she gets very emotional about it, too.

She absolutely gets it.
Yep.

And nothing changes.
It might change for a day or two,
but she always reverts.

Always.

She can't put herself in other people's shoes,
not really.

Hell, she can crack a mean-spirited joke
and laugh about it,
but if you throw the same joke - and I mean the exact same one -
she gets upset,
not seeing how it affects other people.
Not really.

And if I were to start a business,
there is no doubt in my mind,
I'd have to dedicate even more time to that,
than I had to for my other previous jobs.
She says she gets it.
She fucking doesn't.
She does not.
Don't think she ever will.

It's like she's been living in bubble,
and now that she's out of it,
can't see the real world for what it is.

We're fucked.
We are well and truly fucked, and I don't know what to do.

She judges me when I'm on the internet watching a video
in between working.
She judges me when I'm resting.

And now that I'm unemployed,
she judges me for that, too.

And still I fucking try.
I'm on my goddamn hands and knees struggling against the fatigue
trying to ensure a good future for both of them,
all the while having her look over my shoulder,
making dismissive fucking comments.

If you ask her though,
she'll say she's supportive.
And then go back to putting me down.

I'll figure something out, I will.
It's hard to tune it out sometimes,
but for the time being,
that's exactly what I have to do.

Oh yea,
and if she were to ever come across this post,
the ONLY thing she'd take away from this,
is how it makes her look.
There will be zero reflection.
She is a fucking saint in her eyes.

And that's the really disappointing thing.

Well enough of that.