Stuttering

Week has not been going along well so far.
Not just peachy.
Even a little frustrating.

Where the hell am I?
The plan was to write something, anything, each night,
to improve on my English, not to mention articulation.
Am I even saying it correctly?
Are those two the same thing? Goddammit. I'm not even sure anymore.

Been a while since I've revised what little I've learned about Russian,
and the one or two new words I've learned since then is absolutely pathetic.

Oh yea, and I'm just starting a new routine today,
without getting enough sleep the night before (or the night before then).

My brain's cloudy, I can barely see the words I need to use even for this fucking post.

Work makes me feel  like a piece of driftwood,
floating down the river...

And I almost forgot to mention this.
Last night, she caught me looking at an old video posted on Dailymotion.
I was curious and bored, and had just had a conversation with Jill.

Of course, NATURALLY she had to come and take a look at it.
Before I even got a chance to view (or more importantly close it),
she saw what it was.

A naked chick. Well, two naked, Asian chicks.
And instead of just brushing it off,
I actually tried a number of excuses...
until I finally admitted.

Me. Admitting.
Sure, it was a little embarrassing. But hey, you just move on.

Why the fuck did I even try to justify it.
Here I was, thinking I was over shit like that.

It's time to re-learn the 77 Rules.

So yep. Stuttering is one hell of an understatement.

I could continue being frustrated,
and bitch and moan for as long as I want...

Or I could stop being a dumbass,
and make improvements.

Time to move forward.

Well enough of that

Back In The Gulag- Er, I mean Office

Ok, ok... 

a little too dramatic.

Hell, the office is a pretty nice place compared to a gulag.

I'm pretty sure.

Like, 70% sure.

Ahh... what the fuck am I bitching about.

Sheesh.

Just came back after a long weekend,

and it's a freakin' Wednesday,

'Bicep day', my favourite workout day.

And of course,

OF COURSE, I feel exhausted.

Jenia was having her period,

and I had an extra two days to catch up on my sleep.

And what the FUCK DID I DO?

Wasted myself away eating chocolate,

and STILL trying to fool around with Jenia...

She's the sweetest,

kindest, most sensitive girl I know

(yeah, yeah... shut the fuck up).

So naturally,

in the span of two-odd months of being married,

I've made her cry twice.

That's right.

Once a month, SHE CRIES.

And yea,

she can be a little too sensitive sometimes...

But the shit that came out of my mouth.

My fucking loud mouth and gigantic ego.

And over little things, too.

I didn't lose my shit and start screaming or anything...

But I did something worse.

I expressed just a little bit of anger,

annoyance at what seem to her RANDOM THINGS.

In a twisted corner of my mind (I realized how fucking stupid it was, when I was trying to rationalize it),

I was losing 'social value' or 'demonstrating lower value' by not taking charge

of say, what dish I wanted, or letting her decide which direction to go...

And by 'demonstrating lower value', I was going to lose her.

Ironic thing is,

by getting upset over the little things...

random shit...

I run the very REAL risk of losing her.

Hell, if I had to tip-toe around my wife all the goddamn time,

I'd end up leaving, too.

And that's the thing.

By getting upset over random things, she needs to do that.

She assures me she doesn't,

but after the second time, 

I wouldn't be able to avoid doing it myself.

Tip-toe around me. Watch every little thing she says.

Like I'm a fragile, porcelain doll.

Fucking stupid.

A part of me feels like I'm ruining her life.

She got herself a damaged husband.

It's still early days of course,

and I'm working on changing.

Writing this down,

and leaving it here will hopefully make it easier for me (and her) to move on.

Goddammit I need to get my act together.

Hitting the gym tonight would be a good start.

Well enough of that

Rush Hour

It's 10am in the office,
and the amount of work I've done
is equal to the amount of snow that has fallen in Singapore the past year.

If you're still trying to figure out what that means,
then please,
run at full speed into a concrete wall.
You'll be doing yourself a favour, trust me.

I'm tired...
exhausted, really.

Mentally, and physically.

Now don't get me wrong,
I love the technology, and the actual work itself.
Problem is, there just isn't enough for me to do.

And while my director is a pretty cool guy,
once the CEO realizes I'm dead weight,
I'm probably gone.
Gotta say though,
if I were in his position, I'd do the EXACT same thing.

There's also the fact that I feel like I'm stagnating.
Going nowhere, career-wise.

I kind of feel the same way personally, too.
My English has suffered, not to mention my conversational skills.

Was speaking with a girl this morning,
and goddammit I almost reached a point where I had nothing to say.

At least the anxiety has not returned.
That's a good thing.

There's a shitload more to talk about,
but being in the office,
and not being the owner of the company,
makes it slightly less convenient to spend a long-ass time on your blog.

There are a few positives, though.
Every day, I will learn something new, something practical.
Russian, or about GIS.
Doesn't matter.
There must be progress.

And my arm has healed...
so later tonight, I'll be back in the gym.

Oh yea.

Now if you've had enough...
kind go forth and fuck yourself in the ass.


Well enough of that

Back At It

About 11.30pm on a Wednesday night,
and I'm waiting for the final 15 mins until the washing machine
is done with the bedsheets and pillow sheets.
Oh, and one tiny pillow.

Returned last Friday night,
and I was a complete mess,
barely able to walk, or eat anything...
And yep, pretty much coughed and sneezed and jizzed all over the place...
Ok maybe not that last one.

Ah yes,
an attempt at crude humour.
Talk about failing miserably.
Goddammit I really should write here more often.

Once again in the office,
I stumbled in my speech,
unable to find the proper words...

Makes me want to punch myself in the fucking face just thinking about it.

But beyond that,
I'm supposed to be happy with where I am in my career right now.

On paper,
I've advanced significantly.
Hell, if I retired now, compared to where my life was originally headed,
I could honestly say I fucking MADE IT.
Against the odds,
I made it.

And yet,
I'm not happy.

A part of me feels like a motherfucking selfish prick.
Earning as much as I do right now...
with the title on paper
 (ok, ok so it's just Sales Associate, but it's still an improvement, so fuck you very much,
I should be ecstatic on a daily basis.

I thanked GOD (still do) that I got the job.

But the reality is,
I'm just cruising along at the mercy of the river,
unable to chart my own course.

Great. I stop mid-way to check on the washer,
and stop the cycle with 3 mins left.
And what does that goddamn piece of shit machine do?
Keeps the door locked.
AND won't resume the fucking cycle.
So I had to set a new one.
Motherfucker must be modeled after the way a typical Singaporean thinks and acts.

Fuck, fuck, fuck.

Oh well.
Might as well continue.

So far, I've only closed ONE deal.
That's it.
After what, 4 months? 5?

There is no CRM.
Their prices are fucking EXORBITANT.
And their internal processes are shit.
After so many months, I'm still waiting on a new laptop.

My boss is a nice guy.
And yea, I do respect him.

But right now,
I feel like he's just keeping me around for the sake of it.

If one day the CEO decides I'm a burden (and he wouldn't be wrong!),
I'm gone.

Doing random tasks.
Very little actual sales. I can almost feel my skills eroding.

I need to get out.
So I'm already looking for another gig.

But in the meantime,
every little task given to me,
I will give it my best shot.

Yep. It does indeed sound lame.
You know that I give a fuck about what you think right?
Yep. There you go.

Well enough of that.

At The Gates

It's freezing cold.
My fingers are starting to feel numb.

Looking for more words,
but they are slow coming.

Jacket's not helping much.

Nope, I'm not still in Busan.
The airconditioner is directly above my desk,
and it feels like the bright sunshine outside the large windows nearby is mocking me.

Man. It's been a crazy year.
Not too long ago, I set myself a target: 2 years and I would end it all.

And within those 2 years,
I would give my best to achieve and feel the things I'd always wanted to feel.
That's putting it mildly.

It would be more like a dancer giving in completely to the music,
moving with wild abandon.

Nothing to lose.
I was going to learn how to speak comfortably with people.
Attract women.
I was going to find out what having a successful career feels like.

I was going to LIVE, goddammit.
And end it all on MY terms.


Learned so many things.
Women no longer intimidated me.

Hell, I could strike up a conversation with a whole group,
when in the past, I could barely make eye contact.

Found a great job,
where I met people from all over the world.
That place was my testing ground. I kept what worked, and discarded what didn't.

I flew for the first time ever, to Macau.

A personal vacation in the past,
meant relaxing in Singapore...
maybe I'd watch a movie or have lunch at a nice restaurant.

This time around,
I went a proper, full-on 2-week vacation in Melbourne and Perth!
That was pretty fucking awesome.

The people were so friendly,
and I struck up conversations with strangers easily...

It felt so natural.
In Melbourne, I met up with a few of my clients who became friends...
No longer were they just voices on the phone,
or text in an e-mail.

The city itself was amazing.
So full of life.
The narrow alleyways, and the mixture of old and new architecture.
Hell, even the trams were cool to me.

The beaches, the cool autumn weather, the long walks...
Long walks!
Man oh man... I'd almost forgotten how much I loved to talk walks...

And Perth.
Alright, alright I'll admit...
the place as a whole is pretty boring compared to Melbourne and Singapore...

But if you're looking for a laidback atmosphere...
a place to relax, with wide, wide open spaces...

You would like that place very much.
I know I did.

Stayed with another client who became a friend... a good, reliable friend.
A true friend.

He and his girlfriend make such a cute couple.
Heh.

Now before I continue,
you might be asking yourself 'How did become so breathtakingly lame?'

The answer is simple:
Go fuck yourself.
Seriously.
Go outside, find a nice long branch...
and fuck yourself.

Now that we've settled that,
I'm going to move onto the most amazing thing that has happened to me within the year.
Something I would never have guessed.




In less than two weeks,
I will be married to the most amazing, intriguing woman I've ever known.

Man, of all the unexpected things to happen,
this tops the list.

I'd already decided that marriage was NEVER going to happen for me.
Not with the laws and women the way they are.

Logged into an old OKCupid account...
and chanced upon the description of a Korean-Russian,
living in Beijing.

Now that got me curious.
Not in the sense of dating. I was genuinely curious.

Korean-Russian? Never heard of it.
And living in Beijing?

I was picking up girls in Singapore,
dating casually...

She was in BEIJING, for crying out loud.
But I was drawn to her.

I ran a little bit of game,
but quickly got sucked in.
No, I went in. Willingly. I was eager.

As hard as it was to believe for me at the time,
I was in love with who she was...
Now believe me, looks were pretty important to me at the time...

But I made a new decision.
I didn't really care what she looked like.This woman I'd never met before... I loved her.

We met briefly 6 months ago...
and soon, very soon...
her hand will be in mine,
and we will truly belong to each other.


Yea, yea...
I know... I know...

You could probably find a gazillion men
who wax lyrical about their girlfriends or wives...

Guys who changed their tune when they get screwed over.

But you know what?
Despite the risks. Even if she did leave me...
I would move on.
Oh it would hurt like a motherfucker, no doubt about it.

But I would move on.
And more than that, I would emerge a better man.

That is what she makes me want to be.
I already wanted to succeed...
but she provides that additional push...
when you see the finish line,
and the tank's empty...
yet somehow, you manage to push forward even harder.

That's what she is to me.

So regardless of how it turns out...
I would still be a better man.
Thanks to her.


Here I am,
at the gates to my new life.
And words can barely express my excitement.

So much more to learn.
So much more to experience.

My English has suffered recently,
probably due to a couple of things...
The freezing office, lack of sleep, and staying away from blogging.

Writing this shit helps.
A lot.

I'll probably begin writing again on a regular basis.
Or not.
We'll see.

Been reviewing the 77 Laws,
and the idea of never justifying myself...
was actually giving me a fucking headache.

I mean, how far do you take it?
If you're going to the store, are you supposed to reveal what you want to get?
Or does it stop at what you want to get, and not revealing WHY you want that thing?

And then it hit me.
This is taking up waaay more mental space than is needed.

My definition of it?
Never defending your decision.

If you want to go to the store to get that jam,
then people ask why,
hey, it's because you want to, that's why.
Fuck them.

But it doesn't mean I'm going to begin
narrating the equivalent of a fucking epic novel,
every time I want to do something.

Sometimes I'll reveal what I want in the store,
and sometimes I won't.

And if by now,
you think I'm referring only to a visit to the store,
then please,
smack yourself in the face with a sledgehammer.

You'll be doing us both a favour.


Anyway...
the gates are open now.
And soon I will be walking through them.

But first,
I'll need to take care of this goddamn airconditioner...


Well enough of that

The Day After

It's about 1.45am.
I'm in the dark hall,
with my face illuminated by the monitor's light.

Giving myself product training for the new role.
It's fan-fucking-tastic.

There's a gazillion products to go through,
and I'm only on the 2nd main product;
their sever editions.

Gotta love deliberately vague descriptions!

I'd say about 80-90% of what I'm learning
won't come in handy for the role.
Not really.

But hey, even if only 10% of it helps me to succeed,
that's more than fine with me.

Lately I've realized that my conversational skills
have got even worse.

Yeah, yea I know... I know...
I talk about this (more like bitch and whine and moan) from time to time...

And I'm sure you're sick of it by now.
So please... accept my sincerest apologies...
in the form of this lighted TNT and stick it up your anus.

You're welcome.


I've got to hit the ground running with this new gig.
No other choice, as far as I can see...

The marriage is happening on the 8th of Dec,
and to be honest, (and extremely fucking lame),
I'm excited.

I'm excited to be a husband...
to have someone by my side,
to have FINALLY have sex...

But yea,
it wouldn't be complete without apprehension.

Like the month before the most important match of your life.
You've trained for this.
You know you're gonna kick ass.

But doubts persist.
Nervousness will not just disappear.

And you know what?
That's a good thing.

Fuck it. It is.

Makes me more aware of the pitfalls,
or complacency.

Always be on the quest to improve yourself.
ALWAYS.

It never stops.
Life isn't static.

The clock is still ticking for me,
but hey, while I'm still here, I'm gonna pretend there's no self-imposed deadline.


My aunt passed away 2 days ago.
Well, not technically my aunt.
She was my uncle's wife. Does that make her my aunt?
I'm too fucking lazy to look it up.

There is no actual grief.
A hint of sadness...
resignation...
even hope.

She came from a generation of people from my father's side of the family,
who had treated my family in such a horrible way.

I'm no longer angry...
but this happened.
And anybody who views it as a good or normal thing is either
fucking stupid,
mentally-challenged, evil,
or all of the above.


They pressured my mom to give up my little brother to her,
RIGHT AFTER SHE GAVE BIRTH.

I mean holy shit.
What a bunch of saints, eh?

Apparently my uncle had problems
producing a 'normal' child with his wife...

So they figured there was absolutely nothing wrong
with TAKING AWAY SOMEONE ELSE'S CHILD.

The more I learned about this over the years,
the more pissed off I got.

They had shunned my mom those first years...
Either because she wasn't a Pakistani, or rich...
likely both.

So they forced her to give up her child,
then changed the name originally given to him.
Motherfuckers.

Got to admit,
I was also pissed at my dad for not standing up to them.
He's supposed to be this badass,
who doesn't take shit from anyone.

And he didn't...
except from his own family.

This resulted in the kid growing up confused,
feeling rejected...
hiding the fact that he had 6 other siblings...

He would later come to see
my uncle and his wife as his actual parents.
No surprise there.

I gotta say though,
my dad's side of the family sure had a knack for
creating decades-long grudges.

A part of me wanted to confront ALL of them.
But this was years later,
when they'd apparently fully-accepted my mom (but my brother remained with my uncle).

Re-opening old wounds would've solved nothing,
and brought only more pain.

So I let it go,
though a small, persistent part of me still harboured resentment.


Until recently.

My uncle passed away years ago,
and his wife was slowly being overcome by cancer.

When last I visited,
she was so weak, she could barely speak...
a far cry from the strong, vocal woman she used to be.

And my mom.
My mom... CRIED for her.
Genuine tears...  she kissed her,
and spoke kindly...

Despite all the pain this woman had caused her.
Was STILL causing her.

All of that didn't matter.
Here was another human being in pain...
a human being who had taken care of her son, no matter how that arrangement came to be.

She truly felt empathy...
there was such intense sadness.

My mom is truly one of the most caring, loving people I know on this earth.
Her actions may be poorly-executed at times,
but there must be no doubt of her intentions: almost always in the interest of others, rarely for herself.

If she can forgive her,
who the hell am I to hold a grudge?

What is my suffering compared to hers?

No. It truly is time to just let things go.

This is another brief stop,
on my path to becoming a better person.
She has opened my eyes, and not for the first time.

How can I even begin to thank her, I don't know.

My brother is married now, with a kid on the way.
I can see the loving bond between he and his new bride...
and her family.

Though we will never be close as brothers should be.
I will be happy for him from a distance.
That is good enough for me.


Things have changed.
My cousin married a Filipino who already had 2 kids...
and he now has 2 more with her.

As far as I can tell,
they have been accepted with open arms.
Such a difference compared with the generation that came before.

My brother's wife isn't a Pakistani herself (I think she's Malay).
And that's fine, too.

Soon, I will be married to a Korean Russian.
And if anybody has problems with it, let them stew in their hatred.
They will not interfere with my family, I will make sure of this.
But at the same time, I will not hold a grudge.

I don't know anyone who would have a problem with it,
but if anyone does, and years later decides to sincerely make amends,
that person will be more than welcome in my home.

I'm tired now, and there's still a lot of reading left to do.

Fuck off, children.

Well enough of that




















 

Risks

It's about 1am,
and I'm eating cheap, instant noodles of a brand I've never even heard of.

Tastes pretty good, actually.

So it's been a while.
What made me return?

A pretty bad interview earlier today, at TripAdvisor.
Now it wasn't horrible, and people did not end up running from the building screaming from their lives.

But still pretty bad.

Started WITHOUT asking the interviewers how they were.
I never do that these days.

Yet that is exactly what I did.
And it was a harbinger of sorts, of things to come.

Didn't know what the role was about,
the sources of revenue...
mumbled about my sales techniques, barely getting to the point...
Not just sales techniques, but one or two other things as well...

I thought I was confident.
But for some reason, I  mispronounced many words...
and in some cases, was actually at a LOSS for words...

Lack of focus is one thing.
But damn, man.
It's like I lost a huge chunk of my vocabulary in that hour.

Couldn't articulate my thoughts clearly.

And what really sucks?
I would definitely have loved to have given the role a shot.

But hey, live and learn.
Sometimes you get bad days.
Identify the mistakes, and move on.

I've made mental notes
about speaking slower when I'm tired,
being more focused,
and increase my brevity.

Also, right afterwards,
it occurred to me that I seemed... over-eager.

GODDAMMIT.

So yea... I've learned and will move on.

But it still pisses me off.



So the interview.
Ah yes.
Why did I go for an interview, you ask?
You sweet, curious, innocent young cocksucking potato-cunt motherfucker, you...

I just lost my job.
That's right.
After about 2 years, just like that.

The official reason?
I didn't hit my target. That's it.


About 6 months ago, when I was on a different team,
Dharma and his cuntwhore Patrick tried to do that...
giving a list of petty, bullshit reasons, except for results because hey,
as far as the client was concerned, I was doing great...!

That's right.
They couldn't touch me on results.
To this day, I don't know the real reason why they wanted me out.
That is how fucked up it is.

Was it a power thing?
Did they just hate my face? I mean I can understand if that's the reason.
I am pretty fucking handsome.
Shut up.

So I was transferred to another team.
Now here I thought yeah, a fresh start.
BIG MISTAKE.

There was a reason why, not long after Julien took over,
about 90% of the original team left, including the Team Leader.

That spineless French cocksucking weasel.
Doesn't take responsibility unless it's for something that went well.

I should've know the day I started.
No access to any of the systems for a whole goddamn week.
No proper training.
In fact, his brilliant idea of 'training',
was to have the Sales Support Coordinator (the person who handles the data),
to present some slides.
That's it.

Oh and by the way, the SSC doesn't even do sales.

Speaking of data, what we received was fucking horrible.
And the way the opportunities were divided amongst the reps
was beyond stupid.
I could go on and on...

The new director Peter wasn't exactly the sharpest tool in the shed, either.
Reneged on his word to sit with me early on, to see firsthand the issues I faced;
Julien had basically jettisoned all my suggestions, that fucking moron.

So 2 weeks before the end-of-quarter,
what does this new, hotshot director do?
Asks me how I can improve my number.

If he really had any experience dealing with the Channel in Australia,
he'd know 2 weeks is NOTHING.

In fact, some partners technically end a week earlier,
and spend the final week processing orders.
You know what that means?
NO NEW ORDERS.

Fucking clueless motherfucker.

So the team didn't hit the target,
and I was about 700K off my forecast.
Now you might say hey, that's pretty bad. You're bad!

For those of you who thought that,
kindly bend over and stuff your empty heads up your assholes.

I 'lost' a few hundred thousand...
because they were closed by the other reps.
When a deal is consolidated, only the parent opportunity will display the amount.
The other opportunities are labeled as being closed for ZERO dollars.

So for the rep to whom the parent opportunity belonged,
WELL DONE YOU CLOSED SO MUCH MORE THAT EXPECTED!!!

And for the rep looking after the child opportunities,
TOO BAD, SUCKAAA!!!

Even if both of you worked on it.
So the deals weren't 'lost', but according to Julien, they were.
How the fuck that makes sense, you tell me.

He threw me under the bus to save his own ass.


Ah well.
At least I'm out of there.

But now  I've got to deal with my old friends:
Racist cunty whorish Singaporean Chinese employers.

Of course there are exceptions.
Wileen, who hired me 2 years ago was one of them.
And there are a few others.

Oh no, we are talking about the majority.
Not only are they stupid as hell, but they are fucking racist to boot.

Way to go, Singapore Education System.
Effective indeed.

It's hard sometimes even getting an interview.
Eventually I'll get a gig. I hope.

And when I do,
the plan is to take IT courses; I've narrowed it down to Cisco and Microsoft.
10-year goal is to become an IT Architect, possibly upgrading to become a Cloud Architect.

Why that?
IT Architects are in high demand, and this demand is expected only to grow for a long while...

So when I achieve it (or whatever is the equivalent at the time; gotta be flexible!),
I'm moving overseas permanently.

Man, I'll be so happy to leave this shithole.
Now the Chinese are complaining about competition from foreigners,
yet they are still blind to the fact that the local minorities have it even worse.

Oh no.
They'll whine and bitch and moan, but when given a mirror,
suddenly go into denial, with dumbass responses like 'Racist got in US also mah! BLAH BLAH BLAH'
or 'You racist too!'

Fucking idiots.



Well enough of that