The Day After

It's about 1.45am.
I'm in the dark hall,
with my face illuminated by the monitor's light.

Giving myself product training for the new role.
It's fan-fucking-tastic.

There's a gazillion products to go through,
and I'm only on the 2nd main product;
their sever editions.

Gotta love deliberately vague descriptions!

I'd say about 80-90% of what I'm learning
won't come in handy for the role.
Not really.

But hey, even if only 10% of it helps me to succeed,
that's more than fine with me.

Lately I've realized that my conversational skills
have got even worse.

Yeah, yea I know... I know...
I talk about this (more like bitch and whine and moan) from time to time...

And I'm sure you're sick of it by now.
So please... accept my sincerest apologies...
in the form of this lighted TNT and stick it up your anus.

You're welcome.


I've got to hit the ground running with this new gig.
No other choice, as far as I can see...

The marriage is happening on the 8th of Dec,
and to be honest, (and extremely fucking lame),
I'm excited.

I'm excited to be a husband...
to have someone by my side,
to have FINALLY have sex...

But yea,
it wouldn't be complete without apprehension.

Like the month before the most important match of your life.
You've trained for this.
You know you're gonna kick ass.

But doubts persist.
Nervousness will not just disappear.

And you know what?
That's a good thing.

Fuck it. It is.

Makes me more aware of the pitfalls,
or complacency.

Always be on the quest to improve yourself.
ALWAYS.

It never stops.
Life isn't static.

The clock is still ticking for me,
but hey, while I'm still here, I'm gonna pretend there's no self-imposed deadline.


My aunt passed away 2 days ago.
Well, not technically my aunt.
She was my uncle's wife. Does that make her my aunt?
I'm too fucking lazy to look it up.

There is no actual grief.
A hint of sadness...
resignation...
even hope.

She came from a generation of people from my father's side of the family,
who had treated my family in such a horrible way.

I'm no longer angry...
but this happened.
And anybody who views it as a good or normal thing is either
fucking stupid,
mentally-challenged, evil,
or all of the above.


They pressured my mom to give up my little brother to her,
RIGHT AFTER SHE GAVE BIRTH.

I mean holy shit.
What a bunch of saints, eh?

Apparently my uncle had problems
producing a 'normal' child with his wife...

So they figured there was absolutely nothing wrong
with TAKING AWAY SOMEONE ELSE'S CHILD.

The more I learned about this over the years,
the more pissed off I got.

They had shunned my mom those first years...
Either because she wasn't a Pakistani, or rich...
likely both.

So they forced her to give up her child,
then changed the name originally given to him.
Motherfuckers.

Got to admit,
I was also pissed at my dad for not standing up to them.
He's supposed to be this badass,
who doesn't take shit from anyone.

And he didn't...
except from his own family.

This resulted in the kid growing up confused,
feeling rejected...
hiding the fact that he had 6 other siblings...

He would later come to see
my uncle and his wife as his actual parents.
No surprise there.

I gotta say though,
my dad's side of the family sure had a knack for
creating decades-long grudges.

A part of me wanted to confront ALL of them.
But this was years later,
when they'd apparently fully-accepted my mom (but my brother remained with my uncle).

Re-opening old wounds would've solved nothing,
and brought only more pain.

So I let it go,
though a small, persistent part of me still harboured resentment.


Until recently.

My uncle passed away years ago,
and his wife was slowly being overcome by cancer.

When last I visited,
she was so weak, she could barely speak...
a far cry from the strong, vocal woman she used to be.

And my mom.
My mom... CRIED for her.
Genuine tears...  she kissed her,
and spoke kindly...

Despite all the pain this woman had caused her.
Was STILL causing her.

All of that didn't matter.
Here was another human being in pain...
a human being who had taken care of her son, no matter how that arrangement came to be.

She truly felt empathy...
there was such intense sadness.

My mom is truly one of the most caring, loving people I know on this earth.
Her actions may be poorly-executed at times,
but there must be no doubt of her intentions: almost always in the interest of others, rarely for herself.

If she can forgive her,
who the hell am I to hold a grudge?

What is my suffering compared to hers?

No. It truly is time to just let things go.

This is another brief stop,
on my path to becoming a better person.
She has opened my eyes, and not for the first time.

How can I even begin to thank her, I don't know.

My brother is married now, with a kid on the way.
I can see the loving bond between he and his new bride...
and her family.

Though we will never be close as brothers should be.
I will be happy for him from a distance.
That is good enough for me.


Things have changed.
My cousin married a Filipino who already had 2 kids...
and he now has 2 more with her.

As far as I can tell,
they have been accepted with open arms.
Such a difference compared with the generation that came before.

My brother's wife isn't a Pakistani herself (I think she's Malay).
And that's fine, too.

Soon, I will be married to a Korean Russian.
And if anybody has problems with it, let them stew in their hatred.
They will not interfere with my family, I will make sure of this.
But at the same time, I will not hold a grudge.

I don't know anyone who would have a problem with it,
but if anyone does, and years later decides to sincerely make amends,
that person will be more than welcome in my home.

I'm tired now, and there's still a lot of reading left to do.

Fuck off, children.

Well enough of that