Which Page Are We On, Now?

Sunday, and I feel weird.
Unpleasant.
Not sure if I'm about to fall sick,
or getting better.

So yeah,
it's official.
My Team Leader is trying to get rid of me.
Or at least fuck my career up.
Same thing, the way I see it.

Why can't I just work in place
and not have to deal with all this political bullshit?

Could be the colour of my skin.
I'm considered 'Malay', and she's a Chinese from Malaysia,
working in Singapore.

In fact,
all but one of my team members are Malaysian.

Maybe she just wants to push Malaysians,
especially my Chinese Malaysian teammate instead of me.

Well that's one theory.
Maybe she just hates my guts for some other reason.

I don't give a shit.
I can deal with the little things;
being excluded from unofficial group meetings,
snide remarks, etc.

But when you send a nasty e-mail to my (our) boss,
calling me 'lazy' and 'rude'...
When you do it just before my review date,
you pretty much announce your intentions.

I'm done. Fuck it.

I tried talking with my boss,
but he's a pretty busy dude,
and just brushed it off.

Well it bothers me a lot
that he doesn't see a pattern.

A gradual build-up.

One bad review is all you need to fuck your progression up
in the company for years.

So yeah,
I'm done with this shit.

There's an opening in Australia,
for a gig with more responsibilities.
Oh yeah,
and it would pay at least double what I'm making now.

I've got a pretty good shot at landing it.

It would be a huge move, of course.
That is, IF I got the offer.
My first ever flight was to Macau a few weeks ago for the weekend.

So many things to consider.
Probably will stick out like a sore thumb (really? who the fuck notices an actual sore thumb anyway?).

I don't drink,
I don't smoke.
The way I dance makes a jumping rabid chicken on crack look graceful.

Then I got to thinking about what I'd be leaving behind.
Not really too close with my family.

No close friends.
I hang out night after night at home.
Rarely get invited to events.

Shit, I sound fucking emo.
Goddammit, I AM emo.
Fuck Singapore. Fuck Singaporeans.

Yep.
I won't be leaving much behind,
just an empty room.
Plus, maybe the change of scenery would do me good.
Or drive me batshit crazy.
Either one's fine with me.

Getting ahead of myself right now.
If anything's gonna happen,
it'll only take place a month or two from now.

Another week tomorrow.
But I'm seeing things differently now.

Well enough of that

The Tide

It's been more than a year.
For a brief period, I thought yea, this is it. I'll be here for a while, I think.

BUt it's starting again.
No matter what I do, people turn against me.
Now I gotta admit,
most of them weren't exactly crazy about me before.

The ones who DID think I deserved a fair shake.
They worry me now.

It always starts the same way.
No matter what I do,
try to keep a low profile, get out of the way,
it still comes.

The tide comes in, and there's nothing you can do about it.

OK, OK... no more fucking cliched metaphors.


I am depressed.
Can't get myself to work out.

This month has been a wash.
When in the past,
I had so much energy.

Hell, I enjoyed the fasting month...
gave me an excuse to work out
without having to eat 2 hours before.

What in the hell is going on?
I wish I knew.

Maybe it's just me.
Maybe I'm just a fucking dumbass.

Well enough of that.

Addendum

Just another Saturday.

About an hour before my mom goes on a mini-pilgrimage to Mecca ('Umrah'),
and I'm sitting in my chair,
sweating off half my body weight.

Nah I'm not nervous.
She'll be fine.
12 days, and she'll be back.

I'm just...
out of shape.
Damn.
Just a bit of moving around can get my shirt soaked.

So anyway,
I'm forcing myself to write something every week.
Forcing myself to think of words,
to form sentences.

Been a while since I've made any comics.
Too long.
Screw it.
Time to get back into it.

So many dumbasses in this crap country,
their antics must be recorded.

For example,
someone had written to the Straits Times
about xenophobia.

A picture of 2 dark-skinned men sitting in a train
was posted on a website.
Temasek Review, I think it was called.

Following a deluge of racist comments,
the picture was immediately taken down.

That made the author concerned, and rightly so.

But the reply.
Oh my GOD the fucking stupid reply.

A Chinese-Singaporean 'Doctor' had decided to share some of his wisdom with the rest of us.

Oh yes.
How did he say that racism in Singapore isn't a big deal?
By giving examples of how some members of minority races have jobs.

I shit you not.
THAT was his fucking brilliant reply.

HOLY SHIT.
An Indian has a job!
PROVES WE'RE NOT RACISTS!

Really?
Are you fucking kidding me?

I'm not gonna get into how racism is alive and well in this tiny shit-island.
You can view some of my older posts, or hell, just do a Google search.

But I will address his incredibly stupid response.

Hey, genius...
Some Blacks had jobs in the 60's and 70's in the US.
I guess racism wasn't a big deal then, was it?

What?
That's the US?
This is Singapore? So that makes it different?

I got an answer for that, too.
If I stick a spiky flaming dildo up your ass,
it's gonna hurt just as much if I did it to you in the US.

Get it now?


And he's supposed to be one of the 'Educated'.


There's so much more I'd like to write,
but eh,
I got shit to do.

Maybe later.
Maybe not.
Fuck you.


Well enough of that

Not Quite Safe Yet

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Half-way Through and Getting Nowhere

Where the fuck am I now?

I'm earning much, much more than what I wanted.
But it feels like I get no recognition.

Great.
Now I'm even more pissed because
I sound like a whiny little bitch.

Alright, alright I'll admit a couple of things.

Being rejected by that Korean bitch,
kinda stung.

She had initially accepted my coffee invite,
but changed her mind when she realized
that 'Faizal' wasn't the White guy on my team.

And then to have HIM win
'Employee of the Month',
kinda validates her opinion about
how much more superior the White guy is.

Yeah, yeah I know... I know...
It's just how I feel.

Also,
the reason they picked him,
was because "he worked on 2 teams!"

He fucking did not.
I got stuck with his shit.

He did fuck-all near the end of the quarter
when he was transferred.

Despite my repeated requests,
I wasn't given his opportunities
until less than a week before the quarter-end.

I was doing his stuff and mine,
and did the best I could.

So what happened?
His work appeared to have been
neglected,
and I got stuck with the blame,
while he gets the prize.

FUCK.
Now it's like
I want to be
'Employee of the Month'.


I fucking don't.
But to lose to someone like THAT.
Fucking hell.

It also makes it worse
because 2 members on my team
tried to get me fired.

Seems that way to me.
A part of me wants to give them
the benefit of the doubt.

But when you go straight to the boss
to cover your ass,
and place the blame on me,
you're asking for spiky dildoes up the ass.

All this,
while it's painfully obvious
that quite a number of ugly bitches
that quite a number of guys want to fuck
treat me like crap.

I try to be nice to everyone!
Well tried.

Man, just because
I say 'Hi' or 'Good morning!'
does NOT mean I want to brutally rape you.

I wouldn't do that to my penis.
Hell, I wouldn't do that to a 10-foot Herpes Pole.

Sometimes I wish the law
didn't exist,
so I could beat the shit out of them.

But eh,
we can't have everything.

Well enough of that.

Fuck all of you.

Under

Was up for hours coughing,
until I relented and took some cough syrup.
May have taken a little too much.

Now it's 11am,
and I'm still fucking drowsy.
I've heard of people being addicted to this shit.

What EXACTLY are they addicted to?
Feeling like crap?
It's like I just came a dozen times and am exhausted.
Except a) there's no naked chick next to me and b) I didn't come at all.

That's what taking cough syrup's like.
Puts you in the spot where you feel embarrassed,
humiliated,
exhausted.
Now why the fuck would anyone be addicted to THIS?

Dumbasses.

Well enough of that.

Punch to The Face

I'm rusty.

Been rusty for a while, now.
No longer quick on the draw. Not that I ever used to be THAT quick.
But still.

I struggle now, on a regular basis, to form complete sentences.
Even when I would like to reply
and know which tone I'd like to use,
the words linger behind,
just out of reach.

That asshole mocked me again in the office.
In the past, I would've been able to hit back.
Hard.

But in this condition,
man...
I'm practically a sitting duck.

I could just throw punches,
break a couple of bones.
Meh.
Temporary fix.

My mind's fucking cluttered.
All kinds of thoughts. Guilt.
Hell, I even feel guilty for not feeling ENOUGH guilt.
How much is enough, anyway?
Fucking dumbass.

Keep telling myself the next day or two will be the day I start my new routine.
Change will come.
How long has it been, now? 2 months? 4?
Goddammit.

Things will change tomorrow.
I'm sure of it.


Fuck you.

Well enough of that.