Three in a Fucking Month

What the fuck is going on?

This is the third time in a month where I've felt the need to post. 

As much as I'd like to think otherwise (not really),

I make the laborious trek here only when I'm fucking furious. 

When I'm about to break something. Or a few things. 

Motherfucker. 

So what miniscule thing set me off this time?

I'd wanted to visit my little nephew who lives,

literally,

around ten minutes away by car. 

Actually closer, I think.

But yea, they live in the same damn avenue.

Now I don't normally do this,

and hell, I even typically sit out family gatherings or events. 

But eh, they live nearby.

Saw a picture of the baby.

Figured we could at least ask. 

So I checked with her the night before,

and she hesitated and explained that she was waiting for a food delivery.

All right cool. 

No problem.

Next morning,

the delivery arrived earlier than expected. 

The weather was perfect.

Yes!

We can check in with my brother and see if they're home and OK for us to visit!

Nope.

Turns out she just didn't want to. 

I get that she only saw the my sister-in-law and the baby yesterday,

when they went to an aquarium with my daughter. 

But what I fucking hate was how she misled me in the first place,

then flat out said "No" the next day,

basically implying that she'd be miserable if she went along.

And she didn't want to text my sister-in-law.

Me, I would've been fine with asking directly.

If they'd said it wasn't a good time,

then fine, man.

No big deal. 

But this. 

I know... I FUCKING KNOW...

I could've gone without her,

with my daughter. 

But at the moment for some reason, 

it just didn't cross my mind.

Felt like another situation where because she just didn't feel like it,

we had to abide by what she wanted. 

And I don't know.

Just frustrated me. 

I've been pissed the whole fucking day.

Didn't get much done. 

Doesn't really help that the PS4 is loud. AGAIN.

After just four fucking months of getting it fixed for that exact reason. 

That, and a bunch of other shit that's been happening, or... not happening.

Can't take leave due to a last-minute tender invite on motherfucking Christmas Eve. 

Haven't been working out due to my elbow,

which causes my weight to still be over.

And due to that,

I'm too self-conscious to get the red shirt/shoes/watch that I'd been wanting to get for ages.

What else?

Oh yea. 

Haven't even got round to making those comics that I'd wanted.

The designs. 

My daily to-do list isn't even that ambitious. 

But I'm so behind on many things. 

Oh yeah, 

and I can forget about ever getting a car. 

Even if I do get one.

Today.

What's the fucking point?

I already feel like smashing that fictional thing in my mind. 

What is the fucking point. 

And yes. 

I also see the absolute fucking irony of essentially losing my shit...

over such a minor thing. 

All I wanted to do today was just visit my nephew.

And I'm not going to lie.

If it were her nephew, she would've jumped at it. 

I even told her that hell,

if the situation were to be reversed in the future,

I'd say "FUCK NO".

Maybe. Maybe not. 

I wouldn't do it in front of the kid or anything. 

That'd make me a full-blown asshole,

instead of... a half-blown asshole?

And you know what made it worse?

She later thought it was a good idea to go out somewhere. 

I wasn't in the mood at all by that point.

And now that I think about it, 

I hate that she suggested it out loud (hopefully my daughter didn't hear it). 

In the end, 

they left without me, as usual. 

I'm glad at least that someone brought her out. 

-Ah crap.

It's just started raining and I saw them running towards our building. 

I've only got a few minutes if that, 

to smile and pretend it's fine and joke around.

Here they come-

Maybe I'm tired of shit not going my way.

Even little things.

We did visit Sungei Buloh recently and that was my idea. 

I keep looking at the stupid crocodile picture I took. 

That was a good day, I think.

Things need to change. 

But it's fucking hard to do it when you're perpetually pissed and exhausted. 

Well enough of that. 

Happened Again

I cannot believe it happened again. 

About the cross the road, 

I lead the way, and the fucking driver began inching forward as she and our daughter crossed.

Now first of all, fuck that driver.

I wish I could've dragged him out of that car.

A few possibilities ran through my head,

Yea fine, FINE...

the ideal (but not satisfying outcome) was indeed to just let it go. 

What the fuck was I gonna do at the time?

Kick his car?

That's probably a criminal charge.

Tell him to go fuck himself?

Might be a criminal charge (yes, in motherfucking Singapore,

where the rules are such that the peasants can't even curse at each other directly...

which can result in fucking assholes getting their way).

Although, telling him to fuck off... is probably a grey area.

Actually dragging that motherfucking cunt out of his car?

Definitely a charge.

And each one would have resulted in a likely permanent, horrible memory for my daughter. 

So I couldn't do much.

Probably should've told him to fuck off, though.

And if he'd got out of the car to fight?

Well, I could just walk away laughing. 

What the fuck was he gonna do?

But. 

That's what happened. 

There are asshole drivers. 

What really kills me is that it's the second time that she...

for some insane, inexplicable, unexplainable reason...

continued to walk slowly with my daughter,

even as the car inched forward.

WHY. 

She's done this so many goddamn times.

Sometimes I'm rushing across the road due to a possible risk,

and I'd see her just casually strolling. 

Not only does it make me look like an overeager jackass who left his wife behind...

but what IF something did happen. 

WHY, GODDAMMIT. 

And it's one thing to do it alone.

But with our daughter?

I've accepted that from now on if we're together and crossing the road,

I'll have to stop mid-way to ensure they get across first. 

This way I'll be able to hurry her up. 

When a car moves forward,

be prepared to run. 

Doesn't fucking matter if you have the right of way,

and especially not with our daughter in tow. 

I want to say I would've done the same thing,

but realistically,

like a goddamn idiot,

I probably would've stopped and stared at the driver. 

So this was a lesson for me, too. 

However, it doesn't excuse her dragging her feet whenever she crosses the road.

I do not get it.

She gets impatient over other shit.

But cross the road?

Where there's the possibility that she could get hit by a multi-ton vehicle?

EH, LET'S SLOW DOWN AND SMELL THE ROSES

And she wants to visit RUSSIA??

WHAT THE FUCK. 

She herself has expressed concern over the driving there.

You know what I'm most concerned about?

Her happily skipping in slow motion across a busy intersection in Volgograd in slow motion, 

whilst it's being criss-crossed by drunk drivers on New Year's Eve. 

Fucking hell. 

Gonna have to talk to her about this.

She won't be happy about it. 

At all.

Fuck. 

Well enough of that. 

Fucking Hell

Of all the things to happen and piss me the fuck off for two days, 

it had to be a motherfucking Merc driver who didn't want to stop at the traffic light...

whilst she froze like a goddamn deer in headlights, 

hand in held with the little one,

in the middle of the motherfucking street.

I mean yea, 

she was startled and it really, only took like maybe two seconds or so (before I told her to move it). 

The incident itself probably didn't really bother me that much, I think.

Fuck that skinny bitch of a man,

for trying to intimidate us into moving faster across the street.

Fuck the traffic light that took motherfucking ages to change.

Yea the light was red for cars,

but so was the sign for pedestrians.

Others moved across it,

and it was a very narrow street in any case.

And yea, 

we shouldn't have moved at the time,

but knowing the law and how cars always have to yield to pedestrians 

means fuck-all in situations like that. 

It's a combination of things.

The fucking driver.

Especially when he rolled his stupid window down,

revealing his (relatively) young, and yet Skeletor-like body. 

Her taking ages to move across the street,

and then freezing in the middle of it. 

And yea,

my mistake for getting them to cross the street with me

(this is where she waited and fucking waited before moving, so ended up trailing behind). 

Oh and one more thing.

Been spending way too much time on Reddit. 

Should've just flipped the bird

and told him to fuck off.

Instead I... argued with the skinny asshole. 

And even asked him to call the TP (traffic police). 

The fuck?

In hindsight it sounds so stupid. 

Never mind that the guy either looked confused,

or worried that the police might get involved. 

But either way,

it made us both look extra douchey and yea... 

not at all like two middle-aged, male Karens arguing.

PERFECT. 

-Come on, man. I can't even type in peace.

I could lock my door,

but that'd be look like an ass.

And on top of all this, 

we have to get ready for that stupid thing

near Suntec City -

Three more things then I'm done.

Don't like it?

Fuck off. 

So yea,

the idea that I almost lost my temper...

especially with my daughter there. 

At the age of 40 no less.

Makes me extremely disappointed with myself. 

And annoyed.

Very annoyed.

I'd say this time round, 

it was definitely better?

Like in the past,

I might have taken it further

but realised quickly that even if I were in the right

and called the police,

the effect it would have on my daughter 

would've graduated from bad

to core-memory horrible. 

And after walking away from that driver,

yea, 

I tried to rant a little bit. 

Couldn't help myself. 

So I told her that drivers ALWAYS have to give way to pedestrians. 

And... nothing. 

She didn't say a fucking thing.

No support, 

nothing. 

I'm not looking for a fucking medal, here. 

Even a simple "Yea fuck that idiot" would've been enough.

But in public,

she ignored me for that. 

I've defended her before.

Hell, I've done it so many times already. 

And yea,

she might have been annoyed too...

but nothing. 

It's not just that.

She does it with so many other things.

Like she could barely give a shit,

even with things I'm excited about. 

And again,

I FUCKING GET IT. 

It was wrong to act that way

(explained it to my daughter), 

but that bit where she ignored me?

Made me feel even worse. 

-INTERRUPTED AGAIN.

And yes, I should've closed the door.

Or said something. 

And you know what?

Fuck it. 

I'm also gonna add that

when I'm in the middle of texting (often for work),

or typing something,

she expects a response immediately. 

But when she's on the phone,

doing the exact same thing,

or reading an e-book,

she'll ignore you or get extremely annoyed

when you ask her for a response,

even if you needed one immediately-

Anyway, where was I.

Oh yes, ignoring me.

Fucking hell. 

Is this what's called "support"?

Made me feel worse,

from embarrassed to angry. 

Bit my lip and we continued on our way.

When it comes to her,

no way, man.

I'd HAVE to express support (and I'm happy to),

even if she's wrong,

I'd still provide emotional support. 

But when it comes to me?

Fuck no. 

FUCK NO. 

It's usually just "Oh forget it".

Could not give two shits about what I felt. 

My perspective.

Nope.

Like my motherfucking opinion doesn't matter. 

Just shut the fuck up already. 

But remember!

When it's MY thing,

please ensure you provide the adequate amount of support. Yes. 

Oh?

You're upset over something?

Why waste my fucking time?

I've got e-books to read,

shopping to do,

so shut the fuck up. 

Why are you upset?

Shut up. 

Yea. 

She's amazing in so many ways,

but in this particular aspect,

it is fucked up. 

And the final thing that bothered me all the way to this morning. 

Not figuring out the right move for future reference. 

The best option would be to flip the bird and keep walking.

If the guy gets the chance to talk whilst you're moving,

just keep the bird in the air and continue on the way.

Even if he gets out,

keep going. 

They can try me if they want,

but I sure as hell am not catching a charge 

in this stupid-ass country 

where if you had the option to run away like a bitch

(even if it means the aggressor gets a chance to steal 

or wreck your shit and does so, 

where the police will usually do fuck-all 

or it's not worth the effort to get compensation)...

and you didn't,

and chose to defend yourself...

you'd still be found guilty. 

So fuck no. 

I'll flip them off and keep walking,

and they can come at me from behind if they want (shut up),

where I'll then be fully entitled to fight back (of course, fuckin briefly until 

I could get into a position to get away. Fucking hell. I hate this fucking law). 

Immature? Petty?

Sure. 

Avoids more severe problems and escalation?

Doesn't make you feel like shit for not saying anything?

Absolutely. 

Right now it's important not to overthink it,

or I might accidentally end up WANTING to get

into a similar situation... 

and overreact to it. 

No. 

If it never happens again, great. 

If it does,

flip the bird, and walk away. 

I'm big enough to intimidate most bitches anyhow. 

Well enough of that. 

Again

Motherfucker. 

We had a brief argument this morning. I mean yea, I should've just walked away earlier, and sure as hell shouldn't have continued in front of the kid. 

But holy fucking shit. 

I'll have to restrict the money she has access to. I have to. It's like she does not or will not grasp the consequence of spending too much each month. 

The conversation started with my t/rying to get a rough sense of what we're spending our money on. We've done a rough audit, and she's been spending around $2.5-$3K a month. ON FUCKING WHAT. 

Initially she'd went with "vitamins" and "Amazon".

And yea fine, I did say we'd have to take a bit of time and sit down to go over those, identify what exactly she'd been buying each month and to see what we can cut down on. 

So this morning, I tried asking what did we spend on each month. 

She repeated that it was "Amazon" and "vitamins", and eventually included "groceries" and "going out" (this one came after I'd pushed further). Even started off with "I already told you."

I tried to remain calm, and said that yes, but we need to know what exactly we've been buying so we can determine what's crucial and not. 

And she kept going round and round in circles. Trying to claim that she'd already told me, without telling me anything. WHAT have we been buying on Amazon each fucking month?

"Books".

OK, so we've been spending about what, $1K on books each month? 

"Groceries".

What groceries? Why so expensive?

What EXACTLY. 

"I told you already."

GODFUCKINGDAMMIT. 

And then she goes off on how I'd said we were going to discuss it in detail later, and how she wasn't prepared. 

BUT YOU JUST SAID THAT YOU'D ALREADY TOLD ME. 

So later when they left for my mom's place, I had a look at the credit card notifications that popped up. One for around $10, another for around $22. 

FUCK. 

And this was AFTER we'd already discussed how we needed to cut down, AND I'd already paid the credit card bill for the month AND I'd given her an extra $200. 

She won't stop.

She won't fucking stop. 

What would even be the point of having a supplementary credit card for her with a hard limit, IF SHE'S GOING TO USE IT ALL UP THEN ASK FOR MORE CASH BEFORE THE MONTH IS OUT. 

And let's get one thing straight. We won't suffer AT ALL if we cut down. Groceries and books at $3K a fucking month? What the fuck, are we buying sausages dipped in gold? Is the lamb from sheep raised in a resort on Mount Fuji? What? WHAT THE FUCK. 

I'll have to fucking restrict her access to cash and closely monitor her spending. Which is of course, OF COURSE going to cause more problems. What adult is OK with being treated like this? Like they're a little kid?

But what other option is there?

I think she might not even fully grasp why we weren't able to visit her mom this year. Not completely. 

Well enough of that. 

Heavy

Everything feels heavy.

My head, my arms, my chest, my legs. Everything. Motherfucker. Even dragging myself to the desk took a ton of effort. 

I'll have to keep this brief. Haven't been efficient in ages, but I'll try here. 

We're supposed to return to Korea in November. They of course, had to lift the Covid restrictions only just recently, to the point where it's essentially last-minute travel. Thanks a lot for that, you fucking cunts. 

I was probably excited at the beginning. Can't recall. And it's only been what, a couple of days since we'd initially decided to go?

Now I'm not even sure. Had to open my big fucking mouth. So I've raised everyone's hopes. But we're not ready. We're just not ready. 

Crypto currency has crashed. 

We'd also kept trying and failing to save enough the past couple of months. I can't even recall how long it'd been going on. 

Maybe it's me. Maybe it's her. But at the end of the day, it's my responsibility. So I'm the fucking idiot, here. 

There have been unexpected large expenses lately, but the fact that we'd been spending around $2.5K - $3K (rough estimate) if not more per month is insane. It's fucking insane. Where the hell is that money going?

Should've put a stop to it a long time ago. But here we are. 

I'm earning the most I've ever earned in my life, and I feel like a major emergency could (and likely will) pull us underwater. 

Should've checked thoroughly. 

We'd allocated $1.3K monthly for her and groceries (this was an increase from $1K, I think), and yet we seem to be spending a similar amount each month on the credit card. 

And I don't think her Keto stuff is to blame. I mean yea, there would be a slight increase, but not by this fucking much. Or is it me? I've checked past transactions and again, it seems to be groceries? From Finest and Sheng Siong. 

She's suggested that we examine the actual statements, and I agree. Except now, I can't get paper, because I'd have to keep asking my daughter for it. I'll have to wait until she falls asleep, then head out to get my own stack. Sheesh. 

Of course she's upset at the mere suggestion that HER spending is out of control. Which, yeah, I kind of get. 

But it's her attitude towards money that's a strong indicator for me, and worries me greatly. 

I'd been mentioning this repeatedly over several months, especially since the allocated cash kept running out completely, about a week (I think there were times when it was even two weeks but can't recall exactly) before the month ended. 

And she'd give an annoyed response, "Okaaaaaay" like it's no big deal. 

I kept telling her the risk we were putting ourselves in. Same response. That she'll be more careful. Same result each month. 

And now, we have to plan for a trip to Korea. 

And we might have to spend almost the entirety of our savings to go, and stay there for a month or so. Now yea, fine. FINE. I also didn't want to travel via budget airline and wanted to rent a car. 

But even without those, we'd still be spending way too much. 

And I really want to rent a car. I want it. I haven't driven in years. And at this fucking rate, I'll never be able to get a car. I'm 40. And I'll probably only be able to afford it, when? WHEN. When I'm 60? 80? 

I get it. I get that others never even got the chance. 

But the kicker is that my own fucking family couldn't even give enough of a single shit to help me learn. Many years back, I couldn't even afford to learn. Either due to cost or time. 

They could have helped me out. But refused. Flat out refused. Even when we were in Batam, they took the chance to let my sister (who already had a fucking license) to practice. Whilst I had to go elsewhere. 

The fucking responses they'd give me when I asked for help. The look on their faces. 

And now, literally decades later, when I'm supposed to be in a situation where I can finally, FINALLY afford one... I can't even rent a fucking car. I want to rent it for a month. I don't give a shit. And I can't. 

I fucking can't. 

And when we're there, we'll be at the mercy of those fucking taxi drivers. With my daughter there. In the freezing cold. 

Fuck. Fuck this shit. 

Do I bite the bullet? Spend all our fucking money and start from scratch in the coming year? This will probably be the last time I'd be able to spend more than a month there, if working from the office starts up again. 

And her mom hasn't seen us in three or four years now. 

But it fucking depresses me. 

And again, I get it. We're in a very fortunate position overall. I fucking get it. But we didn't have to be in this situation. 

She's annoyed that I'd brought it up. But does not seem to grasp that when you spend uncontrollably, THIS is the fucking consequence. When money is spent. THAT MONEY IS GONE. 

Hell, when it seemed like someone had made an unauthorised purchase on my credit card, I'd wanted her to check her Amazon account immediately (didn't know at the time that I could suspend my card temporarily). I'd assumed I'd have to cancel the card like I'd done in the past. And THAT would've prevented us from even buying the tickets for another week or two, and stuck us with even more expensive tickets. 

But at the time, my sister was visiting with her kids, and she'd asked them if they were hungry. They said they'd been waiting for her. 

I told her it would take five minutes. Explained that if someone had our card, they could just spend thousands. We had to act IMMEDATELY. 

And she didn't want to. I was incredulous. 

It would've taken five minutes. But that was five minutes too much for her, apparently. 

It's OK. Fine and dandy for a thief to drain us of thousands. We had to feed my sister and her kids at that very moment (they weren't starving and had brought their own, separate food as well). 

It shocked me. Later she would say that she understood the urgency (whilst still defending her actions). She didn't. She fucking didn't. I think on some level of course she understands that it would be a bad thing. 

But the fact that she couldn't prioritise FIVE FUCKING MINUTES to solve a major issue (whilst we're planning a very expensive trip to her mom) is something I can't truly describe in words. 

It's almost like it's a very abstract concept for her that's hard to fully grasp. Like she has some vague idea of consequences, but that idea remains something without a firm shape. A shapeless cloud. 

Even now, I can see she's having trouble comprehending that not having enough to comfortably visit her mom is a consequence of months of overspending.

She also can't seem to fully grasp the risk we'd put ourselves in whilst there and having to rely on taxi drivers or public transport for a whole month. It's truly unbelievable. We'd gone through the same thing on our previous visit. 

Now it'll be worse. 

And she can't seem to grasp that. Of course when the consequence hits, it always comes as a fucking shock, or angers her because she knew of the possibility, and yet still didn't think it would happen at all. 

Was the overspending necessary? Unnecessary? I don't know. I trusted and relied on her to keep track. I can't trust her with that now. 

And what are my options?

Treat her like a child? Restrict her access to cash? Vet every single credit card purchase? 

How's that going to work out? It'd be humiliating. 

And yet she's dragging all of us slowly underwater. And if a major emergency happens, it'll be the end of us. But for her, it's one of those abstract consequences. Doesn't exist until it does. 

What the fuck am I going to do. I just don't fucking know. There are no good options here. 

I guess and hope we'll be able to determine the actual cause of the overspending. Hell if it's me, I'll accept the egg on my face, and try to make changes. But otherwise, I really don't think she'll change. And again, I don't know what to fucking do. 

Well enough of that. 

39 and Still There

Oh man, it's been way too long. 

Once again, having not written a single thing the past couple of... how long has it been now? Months? Years? Having not read a single book (except, thankfully, my daughter's books to her during bedtime)... being immersed in short-form messaging, from Twitter to Reddit to WhatsApp... I feel like my mind's lethargic. Firmly within the fog. 

Before I continue, I FUCKING HATE THE NEW FORMATTING FOR POSTS. 

I mean, yea fine, it's probably not new. Just haven't been back in ages. But I really hate the new spacing between lines, whenever I hit "Enter". I'm not writing a new paragraph, goddammit. 

It's closer to what you get in Word, and I do miss writing the way I used to, hitting enter about the halfway point in the page, so the eyes don't have to travel all the way to the far right. 

Speaking of the far right! 

Motherfucking Ukraine, and the rest of the so-called "West", which really, is basically just the US. The fact that so many are supportive of the collective punishment of Russians and Belarusians (who aren't even participating in the motherfucking war, btw), and their governments censoring, and even criminalising the sharing of, news that goes against the official narrative (i.e. war propaganda in favour of Ukraine), really lays bare their hypocrisy. 

So much for freedom of speech and equality for all. Seems like they've always been xenophobic, Nazi-supporting scum. 

Hell, they're even trying to whitewash Stepan Bandera (who participated in the Holocaust, murdering an estimated 1.6M people) and the neo-Nazis in Ukraine. This is on top of desecrating Soviet monuments... including one dedicated to Soviet soldiers and other victims of the Holocaust. 

They've gone so mad to the point of trying to demonise long-dead musical composers and authors, and... I shit you not... the letters Z and V... since those symbols were painted on Russian equipment, to differentiate them from similar equipment used by the Ukrainians. 

There's been so much madness in such little time that I can't write about all of it here. 

But I will add this. The neo-Nazis in Ukraine are not shy about their ideology. They're fucking proud of it, too. And during the war, they've even recorded themselves committing brutal war crimes. And their supporters in the West keep oscillating between justifying them, denying they happened, blaming Russians for them. 

They've gone utterly mad. 

Nobody cares about NATO's repeated threats towards Russia and continuous encroachment upon their borders. The horrific bombardment of the Donbass for over EIGHT FUCKING YEARS, killing around 14 THOUSAND PEOPLE. 

I might address this in more detail in the future, but for now, I'll add one more thing. After seeing the horrors inflicted by those Nazi scum upon their own citizens... Russia have to win. And I sincerely hope we get to the point where the global decoupling of East and West finally happens. If the Soviet Union were to be reformed (by the way, the original one was formed by WORKERS and other countries volunteered to join, instead of being coerced)... I'd be very happy and I believe it'd be a force of good for the world (of course, it can go either way, but the status quo and the suffering it brings cannot be allowed to continue). 

You know, if we don't all get annihilated in a nuclear holocaust first, thanks to the fucking psychotic idiots who keep urging escalation, and direct conflict between NATO and Russia.

Heh.

This post was meant to be focused on how little I've progressed overall, and how I'm working on moving forward, no matter how slowly and hard it is. 

Ah well. Too tired now. 

Well enough of that.