This is going to be a very short post.
I'd turned down my sweet, adorable 4 year-old (shut your fucking mouth)
to play with her,
and she's grown smart and kind enough to leave me
alone for a bit while I do my work,
which consisted of drawing while listening to Wrestling with Wregret on Youtube.
We were in the living room,
and she was playing by herself with this large fishing game,
where little plastic fish rotate in a circle,
and their mouths open when they rise and close when they sink.
I had my earphones on,
but I heard her clearly.
She sounded like she was whining,
like she sometimes does when she's bored.
Now usually I always try and have a look first,
to see if everything's OK.
I figured this time,
eh, no rush.
Her cry became more distressed,
so I paused the video and saw that was in pain,
with tears streaming down,
because her finger was stuck in that machine.
I should've moved faster but I was
fucking slow and stupid.
Headed over immediately and it took me half a second to
realize I needed to switch the fucking thing off first.
Her finger was now stuck and I didn't know how to pull it out.
And the whole time was in pain.
Finally got it out,
miraculously.
And it hit me later
to remember to either lift the damn piece
out of the circle,
or remember how the fucking thing turned and turn it back round.
But no,
I was too fucking stupid and slow to think of it at the time.
Picked her up,
hugged her,
comforted her...
and her finger is fine,
although there was a bruise for a while.
The one goddamn time I don't look.
I got lazy.
Over what?
A fucking Youtube video?
You dumb fucking animal.
Couldn't take a motherfucking second to turn and just LOOK.
That's all I had to do.
But no,
I even took the goddamn time to pause the fucking thing.
That's how much of a smart, reliable dad I am.
Goddamn useless,
and while I'm so tempted
to fucking pummel myself like I sometimes do...
like I deserve...
I know that doing so,
would only bring me down deeper into the hole
I'm trying to get out of...
and she's relying on me.
I owe it to her to try and get better.
There's nothing anybody can say or do
to change things.
But the next time,
I don't give a shit if I'm sick or weak or sleepy as hell.
At the very least I'll have a look first.
Better that I get annoyed
than a single hair on her head gets harmed.
Well enough of that.
