This is going to be a very short post.
I'd turned down my sweet, adorable 4 year-old (shut your fucking mouth)
to play with her,
and she's grown smart and kind enough to leave me
alone for a bit while I do my work,
which consisted of drawing while listening to Wrestling with Wregret on Youtube.
We were in the living room,
and she was playing by herself with this large fishing game,
where little plastic fish rotate in a circle,
and their mouths open when they rise and close when they sink.
I had my earphones on,
but I heard her clearly.
She sounded like she was whining,
like she sometimes does when she's bored.
Now usually I always try and have a look first,
to see if everything's OK.
I figured this time,
eh, no rush.
Her cry became more distressed,
so I paused the video and saw that was in pain,
with tears streaming down,
because her finger was stuck in that machine.
I should've moved faster but I was
fucking slow and stupid.
Headed over immediately and it took me half a second to
realize I needed to switch the fucking thing off first.
Her finger was now stuck and I didn't know how to pull it out.
And the whole time was in pain.
Finally got it out,
miraculously.
And it hit me later
to remember to either lift the damn piece
out of the circle,
or remember how the fucking thing turned and turn it back round.
But no,
I was too fucking stupid and slow to think of it at the time.
Picked her up,
hugged her,
comforted her...
and her finger is fine,
although there was a bruise for a while.
The one goddamn time I don't look.
I got lazy.
Over what?
A fucking Youtube video?
You dumb fucking animal.
Couldn't take a motherfucking second to turn and just LOOK.
That's all I had to do.
But no,
I even took the goddamn time to pause the fucking thing.
That's how much of a smart, reliable dad I am.
Goddamn useless,
and while I'm so tempted
to fucking pummel myself like I sometimes do...
like I deserve...
I know that doing so,
would only bring me down deeper into the hole
I'm trying to get out of...
and she's relying on me.
I owe it to her to try and get better.
There's nothing anybody can say or do
to change things.
But the next time,
I don't give a shit if I'm sick or weak or sleepy as hell.
At the very least I'll have a look first.
Better that I get annoyed
than a single hair on her head gets harmed.
Well enough of that.
Sunday, December 30, 2018
Tuesday, December 25, 2018
Know Your Place and Shut the Fuck Up
That title up there pretty much sums up the general
attitude so many racists (usually White or Chinese in Singapore) I've encountered
or read about.
I mean sure, there's a spectrum.
A lot of them can even sound... reasonable. Calm. Measured.
That's a luxury that's afforded to you,
if you're from the privileged group,
where your children are not discriminated against,
judged to be inferior simply because of the colour of their skin.
Nope.
It's real fucking easy for some of them to seem (in their eyes)
to be the rational ones.
Hell, even the ones who are on the side of the minorities
can easily "switch off" when they've had enough.
And the ones who don't recognize this particular luxury they have,
well, these days I tend to have very little patience for them.
Love it when you confront people like these,
and their true colours come gushing out,
like an overflowing toilet.
Fuck them.
They were never your friends in the first place.
Anyway,
I'd been wanting to write about this for possibly weeks now.
There'd been article after article,
along with the accompanying comments (usually on Reddit or The Guardian) of the racists who
twist and turn to justify the horrors inflicted on those who do not
have the "right" skin colour.
I mean hell,
when you try and justify the death of fucking CHILDREN
in your custody (https://www.theguardian.com/us-news/2018/dec/25/second-guatemalan-child-dies-detained-us-border-agents),
and then try and find ways to inflict even more horror on the parents
by blaming THEM for trying to find a better life for their kids,
then to me,
you've lost your humanity.
You are the ones who not only lynch,
but smile and take pictures during and afterwards.
You are the ones who looked on gleefully
as the Jews and Roma were rounded up.
You are the ones who laugh heartily
when children are tortured and beaten to death
because they didn't look like you or yours.
There is no discussion to be had.
If you advance,
my take on it is that you need to be
beaten back by a stick until you come to heel.
The only discussions that can happen
is after you're stopped from carrying out further atrocity.
Not during.
Not before.
I see you.
I see through you.
So what prompted me to finally write this?
This article about an historic boxing match
in Sydney (during the White Australia days): https://www.theguardian.com/sport/2018/dec/26/boxing-day-belting-the-fight-that-stirred-the-racial-convictions-of-the-nation
It was for a heavyweight title,
and the cowardly piece of shit White champion had kept dodging the legendary
Jack Johnson, an African-American.
As the "fight" drew to a close (Johnson was nothing short of dominating)
and it was clear the champion would eventually be knocked the fuck out,
the police actually ended it before that could happen.
And it was the leaps of logic and sheer delusion
of the racists,
where they heaped praise on the "plucky" champion
whilst hurling insult after insult at Johnson.
Bear in mind,
that this was a fight for the WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT TITLE.
"Plucky"? Are you out of your goddamn mind?
But yea,
reading excerpts and headlines of articles at the time,
it seemed yes,
they clearly were.
So delusional in fact,
that they could not accept that it was
a fair fight,
and that Johnson was the superior fighter.
They just could not see it.
The way they couldn't see him as a human being,
and others who looked like him.
What would be the use of having a debate with people like this?
None.
And these people still exist today.
Their faces may have changed,
but they remain the same.
Well enough of that.
attitude so many racists (usually White or Chinese in Singapore) I've encountered
or read about.
I mean sure, there's a spectrum.
A lot of them can even sound... reasonable. Calm. Measured.
That's a luxury that's afforded to you,
if you're from the privileged group,
where your children are not discriminated against,
judged to be inferior simply because of the colour of their skin.
Nope.
It's real fucking easy for some of them to seem (in their eyes)
to be the rational ones.
Hell, even the ones who are on the side of the minorities
can easily "switch off" when they've had enough.
And the ones who don't recognize this particular luxury they have,
well, these days I tend to have very little patience for them.
Love it when you confront people like these,
and their true colours come gushing out,
like an overflowing toilet.
Fuck them.
They were never your friends in the first place.
Anyway,
I'd been wanting to write about this for possibly weeks now.
There'd been article after article,
along with the accompanying comments (usually on Reddit or The Guardian) of the racists who
twist and turn to justify the horrors inflicted on those who do not
have the "right" skin colour.
I mean hell,
when you try and justify the death of fucking CHILDREN
in your custody (https://www.theguardian.com/us-news/2018/dec/25/second-guatemalan-child-dies-detained-us-border-agents),
and then try and find ways to inflict even more horror on the parents
by blaming THEM for trying to find a better life for their kids,
then to me,
you've lost your humanity.
You are the ones who not only lynch,
but smile and take pictures during and afterwards.
You are the ones who looked on gleefully
as the Jews and Roma were rounded up.
You are the ones who laugh heartily
when children are tortured and beaten to death
because they didn't look like you or yours.
There is no discussion to be had.
If you advance,
my take on it is that you need to be
beaten back by a stick until you come to heel.
The only discussions that can happen
is after you're stopped from carrying out further atrocity.
Not during.
Not before.
I see you.
I see through you.
So what prompted me to finally write this?
This article about an historic boxing match
in Sydney (during the White Australia days): https://www.theguardian.com/sport/2018/dec/26/boxing-day-belting-the-fight-that-stirred-the-racial-convictions-of-the-nation
It was for a heavyweight title,
and the cowardly piece of shit White champion had kept dodging the legendary
Jack Johnson, an African-American.
As the "fight" drew to a close (Johnson was nothing short of dominating)
and it was clear the champion would eventually be knocked the fuck out,
the police actually ended it before that could happen.
And it was the leaps of logic and sheer delusion
of the racists,
where they heaped praise on the "plucky" champion
whilst hurling insult after insult at Johnson.
Bear in mind,
that this was a fight for the WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT TITLE.
"Plucky"? Are you out of your goddamn mind?
But yea,
reading excerpts and headlines of articles at the time,
it seemed yes,
they clearly were.
So delusional in fact,
that they could not accept that it was
a fair fight,
and that Johnson was the superior fighter.
They just could not see it.
The way they couldn't see him as a human being,
and others who looked like him.
What would be the use of having a debate with people like this?
None.
And these people still exist today.
Their faces may have changed,
but they remain the same.
Well enough of that.
Bangkok, Man
I don't think it's burnout that I'm feeling,
or maybe a lesser version of it.
But it's once again getting harder to get my thoughts together,
let alone put them into words.
Probably a combination of fatigue and... stress?
I mean, I'll be hitting my target this year.
Hell, this year's on track to be the best year I've ever had
as a proper sales manager, man.
And yet here I am.
Haven't prayed in ages,
to the point where I'm worried I might not be able to read Arabic properly again.
Been so long since I've had a regular gym routine,
and forget about brushing up on my Russian,
I haven't even had the time to continue reading a book that I actually like!
Goddammit what's going on.
I need to get a grip.
First thing's first.
Get to the tasks at hand.
And do not neglect gym, reading, learning Russian.
I get the feeling even watching a movie or show
might work in some way to get my brain functioning fully again.
-Update 26th Dec 18 -
Man, I must've completely forgotten I hadn't published this yet.
Right now I'm back in the office,
and even with the resolve and extra time I have
to write more,
or even reach out to potential investors,
there's a sort of internal resistance,
like a strong wall of air preventing me from moving forward.
I'll have to push through.
If I can't do it now when I've got a ton of free time,
then I doubt I'll be able to make it work when things pick up again.
Well enough of that.
or maybe a lesser version of it.
But it's once again getting harder to get my thoughts together,
let alone put them into words.
Probably a combination of fatigue and... stress?
I mean, I'll be hitting my target this year.
Hell, this year's on track to be the best year I've ever had
as a proper sales manager, man.
And yet here I am.
Haven't prayed in ages,
to the point where I'm worried I might not be able to read Arabic properly again.
Been so long since I've had a regular gym routine,
and forget about brushing up on my Russian,
I haven't even had the time to continue reading a book that I actually like!
Goddammit what's going on.
I need to get a grip.
First thing's first.
Get to the tasks at hand.
And do not neglect gym, reading, learning Russian.
I get the feeling even watching a movie or show
might work in some way to get my brain functioning fully again.
-Update 26th Dec 18 -
Man, I must've completely forgotten I hadn't published this yet.
Right now I'm back in the office,
and even with the resolve and extra time I have
to write more,
or even reach out to potential investors,
there's a sort of internal resistance,
like a strong wall of air preventing me from moving forward.
I'll have to push through.
If I can't do it now when I've got a ton of free time,
then I doubt I'll be able to make it work when things pick up again.
Well enough of that.
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