Useless Idiot

This is going to be a very short post.
I'd turned down my sweet, adorable 4 year-old (shut your fucking mouth)
to play with her,
and she's grown smart and kind enough to leave me
alone for a bit while I do my work,
which consisted of drawing while listening to Wrestling with Wregret on Youtube.

We were in the living room,
and she was playing by herself with this large fishing game,
where little plastic fish rotate in a circle,
and their mouths open when they rise and close when they sink.

I had my earphones on,
but I heard her clearly.

She sounded like she was whining,
like she sometimes does when she's bored.

Now usually I always try and have a look first,
to see if everything's OK.
I figured this time,
eh, no rush.

Her cry became more distressed,
so I paused the video and saw that was in pain,
with tears streaming down,
because her finger was stuck in that machine.

I should've moved faster but I was
fucking slow and stupid.
Headed over immediately and it took me half a second to
realize I needed to switch the fucking thing off first.

Her finger was now stuck and I didn't know how to pull it out.
And the whole time was in pain.
Finally got it out,
miraculously.

And it hit me later
to remember to either lift the damn piece
out of the circle,
or remember how the fucking thing turned and turn it back round.

But no,
I was too fucking stupid and slow to think of it at the time.

Picked her up,
hugged her,
comforted her...
and her finger is fine,
although there was a bruise for a while.

The one goddamn time I don't look.
I got lazy.
Over what?
A fucking Youtube video?
You dumb fucking animal.
Couldn't take a motherfucking second to turn and just LOOK.
That's all I had to do.
But no,
I even took the goddamn time to pause the fucking thing.
That's how much of a smart, reliable dad I am.

Goddamn useless,
and while I'm so tempted
to fucking pummel myself like I sometimes do...
like I deserve...
I know that doing so,
would only bring me down deeper into the hole
I'm trying to get out of...
and she's relying on me.
I owe it to her to try and get better.

There's nothing anybody can say or do
to change things.

But the next time,
I don't give a shit if I'm sick or weak or sleepy as hell.
At the very least I'll have a look first.
Better that I get annoyed
than a single hair on her head gets harmed.

Well enough of that.

Know Your Place and Shut the Fuck Up

That title up there pretty much sums up the general
attitude so many racists (usually White or Chinese in Singapore) I've encountered
or read about.

I mean sure, there's a spectrum.
A lot of them can even sound... reasonable. Calm. Measured.
That's a luxury that's afforded to you,
if you're from the privileged group,
where your children are not discriminated against,
judged to be inferior simply because of the colour of their skin.
Nope.
It's real fucking easy for some of them to seem (in their eyes)
to be the rational ones.

Hell, even the ones who are on the side of the minorities
can easily "switch off" when they've had enough.
And the ones who don't recognize this particular luxury they have,
well, these days I tend to have very little patience for them.

Love it when you confront people like these,
and their true colours come gushing out,
like an overflowing toilet.

Fuck them.
They were never your friends in the first place.

Anyway,
I'd been wanting to write about this for possibly weeks now.

There'd been article after article,
along with the accompanying comments (usually on Reddit or The Guardian) of the racists who
twist and turn to justify the horrors inflicted on those who do not
have the "right" skin colour.

I mean hell,
when you try and justify the death of fucking CHILDREN
in your custody (https://www.theguardian.com/us-news/2018/dec/25/second-guatemalan-child-dies-detained-us-border-agents), 
and then try and find ways to inflict even more horror on the parents
by blaming THEM for trying to find a better life for their kids,
then to me,
you've lost your humanity.
You are the ones who not only lynch,
but smile and take pictures during and afterwards.

You are the ones who looked on gleefully
as the Jews and Roma were rounded up.

You are the ones who laugh heartily
when children are tortured and beaten to death
because they didn't look like you or yours.

There is no discussion to be had.
If you advance,
my take on it is that you need to be
beaten back by a stick until you come to heel.

The only discussions that can happen
is after you're stopped from carrying out further atrocity.
Not during.
Not before.

I see you.
I see through you.

So what prompted me to finally write this?
This article about an historic boxing match
in Sydney (during the White Australia days): https://www.theguardian.com/sport/2018/dec/26/boxing-day-belting-the-fight-that-stirred-the-racial-convictions-of-the-nation

It was for a heavyweight title,
and the cowardly piece of shit White champion had kept dodging the legendary
Jack Johnson, an African-American.

As the "fight" drew to a close (Johnson was nothing short of dominating)
and it was clear the champion would eventually be knocked the fuck out,
the police actually ended it before that could happen.

And it was the leaps of logic and sheer delusion
of the racists,
where they heaped praise on the "plucky" champion
whilst hurling insult after insult at Johnson.

Bear in mind,
that this was a fight for the WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT TITLE.

"Plucky"? Are you out of your goddamn mind?
But yea,
reading excerpts and headlines of articles at the time,
it seemed yes,
they clearly were.

So delusional in fact,
that they could not accept that it was
a fair fight,
and that Johnson was the superior fighter.

They just could not see it.

The way they couldn't see him as a human being,
and others who looked like him.

What would be the use of having a debate with people like this?
None.
And these people still exist today.
Their faces may have changed,
but they remain the same.

Well enough of that.

Bangkok, Man

I don't think it's burnout that I'm feeling,
or maybe a lesser version of it.

But it's once again getting harder to get my thoughts together,
let alone put them into words.

Probably a combination of fatigue and... stress?
I mean, I'll be hitting my target this year.
Hell, this year's on track to be the best year I've ever had
as a proper sales manager, man.

And yet here I am.
Haven't prayed in ages,
to the point where I'm worried I might not be able to read Arabic properly again.

Been so long since I've had a regular gym routine,
and forget about brushing up on my Russian,
I haven't even had the time to continue reading a book that I actually like!

Goddammit what's going on.
I need to get a grip.

First thing's first.
Get to the tasks at hand.
And do not neglect gym, reading, learning Russian.

I get the feeling even watching a movie or show
might work in some way to get my brain functioning fully again.

-Update 26th Dec 18 -

Man, I must've completely forgotten I hadn't published this yet.
Right now I'm back in the office,
and even with the resolve and extra time I have
to write more,
or even reach out to potential investors,
there's a sort of internal resistance,
like a strong wall of air preventing me from moving forward.
I'll have to push through.
If I can't do it now when I've got a ton of free time,
then I doubt I'll be able to make it work when things pick up again.

Well enough of that.

On Fatigue and Propaganda

It's been way too long,
and once again, my English has begun to suffer.
All the usual problems are back,
including the struggle to form coherent sentences quickly.

My brain feels like it's in a goddamn fog.

But I've got to two things off my chest,
and hopefully I'll have the time to write about them both here,
because who knows when I'll have the time to return here.

So the first thing that annoys the hell out of me,
is the propagan- er, I mean documentary about
class divisions in Singapore.

I've only seen an excerpt (the whole thing is apparently 40 mins long)
they've posted on Youtube, where students between the ages of 9 and 17 are interviewed.

You can see it here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zNuvfU6RbVg
The way it's been edited, along with the accompanying sad music
paints a picture of how students from low or lower income families
are looked down upon by their schoolmates,
and how they feel about it.

Crap! I've got to finish this up quickly.
Fine.

It's goddamn piece designed to deflect attention
away from the root cause of the class divide: Government Policies.
The main issue is fucking institutional,
which in turn is reflected by the students' attitudes,
not the other way around.

And the most annoying thing of all?
The host is the Senior Minister of State,
Ministry of Transport & Ministry of Communications and Information.

That's right.
I've asked those who've watched the whole thing,
and they never once - not ONCE - mentioned the government's role
is perpetuating and exacerbating the class divide.

Of course not.

And the second thing I wanted to rant about?
Racist Trump supporters, and the ones who enabled
his rise to power,
including the so-called "liberal" Democrats.

I find it adorable how shocked a friend
was at finding out how some of the people she knew
who supported Trump tried to justify
all the shit that he's done.

Let's make one thing crystal clear:
If you harm or support the harming of CHILDREN,
you are no longer human to me.

You cannot be reasoned with,
and your opinions do not fucking matter.

There is no reason to harm children.
NONE.
You can twist and turn all you want,
and I'll leave the reasoning or attempts at it
to people who are far more patient (or tolerant of this bullshit)
than I am.

You are the ones who took part in pogroms
and lynchings.
You are the ones who bake cookies for your kids that you've
brought along to witness the lynchings and brutal torture of innocent men, women, kids.

You are the ones who smile warmly as
people cut off the ears and fingers of those victims to keep
as souvenirs.

There can be no reasoning with people like these.
They will not stop.
They will not stop.

If they advance,
you must be prepared to beat them back.

They want to subjugate
those of colour,
and their kids.

This is not a "difference of opinion"
the way people would disagree over the best way to design a building
or write a book.

They are not human,
but not animals either,
for it would be a grave insult to animals themselves,
who do not approach anywhere near the cruelty and malice of those vile creatures.

Do not back down,
do not give them a quarter or an inch.

Be prepared to always fight.

Well enough of that.

Falling Behind

My head feels heavy,
and there's a goddamn weird-ass bruise just above my ass
which makes it hard to sit and get up.

And I need to rush this.
But I felt like I had to write something.
Lately it's been happening again.
The inability to form coherent sentences quickly,
to choose the proper words to articulate my thoughts.
Hell, even little things like proper conjunctions have been giving me issues lately.
And that is worrying as hell.

On the plus side,
I've recently managed to download all my old comics from Photobucket
after maybe 30 minutes (or was it an hour?). This was after those bastards
removed the "Download Album" option in an attempt
to make it harder for you to move your images.

Anyway, I've gotta get going now.
So well, yeah. Enough of that.

New House

Had two phone conversations today that I wish had gone much better.
First was with Fara from Esplanade,
and I wish I hadn't interrupted so many goddamn times
and brought up the loyalty workshop.
I have little doubt she'll think that I was calling simply to sell something.
Well, I did want to sell something,
but I also wanted to see how she was.

One thing I like about this job is that the kind
of people you meet are ones I can actually be friends with.
So Fara, Ramesh, Shane, etc.
So yeah, shouldn't have interrupted,
and shoudn't have tried selling the workshop which I would've known
wouldn't be necessary if I'd just let her speak and simply
asked how things were going over there.

Anyway,
the next conversation was what really prompted me
to start writing again.

I was interviewing a candidate for our soon-to-be-vacant
business development role.

And I actually stumbled.
Simple, grammatically-correct sentences became hard to form.
I wasn't nervous,
and I knew what I wanted to say.
I'd just forgotten the proper way to say it.

This tends to happen when I'm pretty sleepy
and haven't blogged in a while.

And man, there's a lot to blog about.
From my resentment at how my parents (my mom especially)
may have caused me to develop the OCD-like issue with performing prayers,
to neigbourhood preschools and their inability to give a shit about kids who deviate
slightly from what they consider to be "normal" (DIFFERENT KIDS HAVE DIFFERENT PERSONALITIES YOU INCOMPETENT IDIOTS).

But I don't have the energy or the time to handle all of that today.
Within the next couple of days, maybe. Hopefully.

In about 30 minutes, I'll be heading out
to HDB to collect the keys to our first apartment.

I should be happy.
It'll be our first apartment and major purchase.

And I am.
Just... probably not as happy as I should be.

It feels like it's a step back since I'll be moving back into my old neighbourhood.
And more importantly, it's a goddamn HDB apartment.
That means public housing and the restrictions that come with it.
And that's what rubs me the wrong way.

It's PUBLIC HOUSING that costs half a million dollars in
the most expensive city in the world.
AND they put restrictions on what you can do with it, too.
Even if you somehow make a ton of money in the future
and want to buy another property or two after the 5-year
Minimum Occupation Period or MOQ, you can't occupy any of those properties
and lease out your apartment.
Nope.
You've got to sell it.

Oh and by the way,
as part of the MOQ,
if you break up during this period,
the apartment goes back to HDB and they may compensate you
or not.

As I was writing this,
Fara texted me to tell me the gender of Ramesh's baby,
which I wanted to find out.
She'd asked Ramesh and then let me know.
GOD I love dealing with these people man.
Such a refreshing change from the past couple of years.
I think I was dealing mainly with data analyts and others from the BI and mapping departments
and while they weren't hostile or anything,
I never really did become friends with any of my customers.

Well enough of that,
it's time to get outta here.

Anxiety

GOD, just looking at the title I've chosen
reminds me of that goddamn emo phase a long time ago.
But fuck it, I'll leave it up.
I mean, who gives a shit, right?

Writing again after such a long time is
kind of like being back in a gym after a long absence.
It's good that you're back,
you might even feel excited
but at the same time it feels a little intimidating, alien almost.
The whole time your body is telling you that "Hey,
you could just head back and start tomorrow or a few days later!"
Or "Maybe take it easy."

So yeah, kind of like that.

I've recently kind of lost arguments
over racist policies in Singapore.
Mainly because I'd tried to use facts (which were of course in favour),
and when you can't recall them,
it's like trying to cycle without goddamn wheels.

And then it hit me.
Sometimes all you need to do it remember the principle.
Is it OK if a person gets to enjoy certain privileges over another
due to the colour of their skin?
Claiming it's for "the greater good" does nothing
when you and your kids gain better access to jobs
and homes and other services purely due to their ethnicity.

There is no moral argument here.
You want to take the high stand?
Claim it's for the greater good?
How about equalizing the playing field?
Otherwise shut the fuck up about that and admit you're a fucking racist.

Hell you know what?
I'd have more respect for you
if you admitted something like fear
of losing those privileges.
That's something I can emphasise with.
If you'd been living a large bungalow
due to certain policies,
would you want to endorse changes
that could result in your having to live in a smaller house?
How about your kids?

It's unethical, sure.
But understandable.
And it can set the stage for a proper debate.

Oh yeah,
and who decides what "minority" means?
In Singapore, it usually means 'non-Chinese"
or for practical purposes "non-Chinese-looking".
I mean, my grandmother is Chinese, but I look more like an Arab.
So yeah, I typically get assigned the short end of the stick often (though not lately!).

It's all political.
Don't the Chinese Singaporeans who endorse systemic racism
realize that at any time, any "sub-category" of Chinese Singaporeans
could singled out?
I mean, look at the derogatory way they talk about the more recent immigrants from mainland China.
Holy shit.
Sometimes you don't realize you're swimming in your privilege until
the pool becomes filthy and you realize you're trapped.

There's a bunch of other stuff I'd like to rant about,
but I'm getting tired.
And it's only 9.48am. On a goddamn Monday.

Well enough of that.

Finally Back

Not sure what's been up with Blogger the past
couple of days? Weeks?
I hadn't been able to log in at all.
It's working now,
but I should probably try to back up some
of my past stupid posts.

I don't know,
a part of me thinks
that my daughter would
one day be interested in
going through my old posts one day.
Probably not but eh.

Anyway, good to be back.
Baby's calling to me.

Well enough of that.

Running Out of Time

There are so many things I'd like to write about,
that it's hard to know where to begin.

Haven't even finished writing about our
final stay in Busan, and my thoughts on Korea which I'd started on
back when we were still there... IN JANUARY.

Goddammit.

So we've been looking for an apartment,
having lowered our expectations from a freehold or 999-year condo,
to an Executive Condo,
to finally... goddamn motherfucking HDB apartment.

And the ones closest to my daughter's daycare
range from $400K - $700K.
FOR PUBLIC HOUSING.

Now don't get me wrong,
I'm very thankful for the job that I have
along with the highest salary I've ever had.

But man, even at my high salary (compared with both the media and average salaries here)
it's barely enough for a basic HDB apartment, man.

That is crazy.
If I ever lose my job,
that could be it,
there's a strong possibility that we'd end up in poverty or close to it.

I'm 36 now,
and realize that I'm seriously running out of time.
Everything from fitness to working on all the business plans I've got,
to the number of years I have left to earn as much as I do right now.

Hell, I'm so busy nowadays
that I barely have time to hit the gym,
and to contribute to a project with huge potential
that a friend is working on.

And it's main because I can't focus.
These days it's hard.
Even as I write this,
my mind keeps prompting me to watch a video or read an article or listen to music.
I can't fucking focus.
And end up wasting a shit-ton of time.

So I've decided that between now and the 30th of Nov 18,
I'm going to get things in order.

For the next two-three weeks,
I'll get my main work stuff under control.
Quotes and emails and proposals that need to be sent out will be done so promptly.
I'll watch videos only after I've done the major things.

I'll start hitting the gym three times a week,
even if it means having to skip The Littlest Dictator's bedtime.
I have to.
For both of us.

Oh yea and I'll try to read one English book every two weeks,
and a Russian children's book once a day or every two days.

And hopefully once I get a handle of things,
I'll be able to work on the external projects,
including that project my friend's working on.
Might be too late by the time I'm ready,
but even then,
I will at long last be able to work on my other plans.

Well enough of that.