Fuming

It's 10.14am on the work computer,
and I've got a ton of shit to get through,
especially my leave application for our upcoming three-week stay in Korea.

But I'm fuming.
It's been such a long time since
I've been this angry after reading an article.

Usually I try and not let it affect me as much.
There's so much misery in the world,
from Palestine to Syria to Singapore and every place in between.

Maybe it's because I'd been holding it in,
subconsciously pushing it down,
assuming all that shit doesn't really get to me.

But when I read this article about
a ranch in Texas where boys as little as FIVE YEARS OLD
were horribly abused in all kinds of ways,
I started seeing red.
I wish to be in a room with those fucking
brave and honourable adult men and women
who abused those kids.
Let's see how you stack up against me you motherfuckers.
The whole lot of you, you fucking cunts.

Here's the link to the article about the Cal Farley's Ranch:
https://www.theguardian.com/us-news/2017/dec/20/texas-cal-farleys-boys-ranch-stories


And it's still up and running.
Not just that, but thriving!

Regular donations from rich motherfuckers
keep it going.

They've acknowledged
that the abuse had occurred,
but have refused to issue even a simple apology to the victims.

Hell, they're even naming a new dormitory after
one of the abusers.

These were CHILDREN.

Oh and sure,
they claim that the ranch follows best practices now.
Yep.
No abuse is taking place at all.
NO SIR.

Hey hold on a second.
Isn't that what they claimed in the past, too?
From the 1950's all the way to 1990's.

What, are the fine moral upstanding citizens
of Texas going to wait until 50 years later
before acknowledging the abuses happening now?
Because I have little fucking doubt
children are still being tortured there on a daily basis.
Maybe in a more discreet fashion, sure.
Restrict the rapes to late nights,
you know what I mean?
Be more classy about it.

Hell, I wouldn't be surprised
if those wealth motherfucking donors
help themselves to a fine selection of boys
when the fancy strikes them.

Motherfucker.

Well enough of that.

Danger

It's almost 11am,
and as usual I'm struggling
to focus on work
while waiting for a call that could come at any time from a client.

So two days ago,
there was a huge argument at home
between mainly me and my mom, dad, brother.

It started out in the typical stupid
way arguments with them start:
My wife had requested that my mom
help with cleaning that dishes (usually her own)
that tend to fill up the sink and get left there for hours and hours and hours,
making it extremely difficult to cook and clean our daughter's milk bottles.

My wife usually cleans it up for them,
but after five years,
it had gotten to the point where my mom and brother would
just leave their goddamn dishes in there
and not clean up after themselves,
forcing her to clean it for them.
Not so much as a thank-you was given,
This is in addition to the overall mess (mainly caused by my mom) in the kitchen.

And all of the above,
is just a tiny part of the things my mom and brother do,
the way they try and impose themselves on her.
I want to say that they were doing it subconsciously,
but since it's been brought up numerous times,
yea definitely not.
More likely they just couldn't give a shit
so long as it's convenient for them.

But hey, fine.
Back to the argument.
So what sparked it this time?
My mom's comment to a simple request for help
was to tell my wife to either get a maid or not to complain.
Holy fucking shit.

Over the years,
I've realized that speaking with her
won't change anything.
The excuses do change,
but the outcome is always the same.

So instead,
I would've just gladly settled for an admission
and an apology.

She can't even do that.
So we argue.
And I tell my brother to fucking clean up after himself
as he walks by,
then it really went off the rails.

He told me to shut up,
and my dad and mom immediately
began rushing to his defence.
And we're not talking about listening to two sides
and coming to a settlement.

It's basically telling me to shut the hell up.
And even threatening to call the police on me.
Calling me crazy.
It's enough to make you question yourself.
Fortunately this time my wife was there
so she could see for herself.

All those years I'd be alone,
and end up wondering if the problem was me.

You even question your own sanity.
I think I avoided that by starting to break
down incidents to see what happened,
to try and take the emotions out of it.

It almost always begins with their
trying to take something of mine without permission,
to impose on me something that they would like to do.

Same thing here.
It started out with the fucking dishes.
I mean is it really so goddamn hard to clean up after yourselves?

The next morning after I'd left for work,
my mom of course started arguing again with my wife
even after my wife had made it clear she didn't want to talk with her.

As I'm writing this,
I realize that there needs to be so much more written for the sake of context.
The history, the lies my family would tell about me,
the aggravations,
the physical and verbal and mental abuse.

But I don't have much time unfortunately,
so I'll just get to the point.

After that argument,
my wife and my mom kind of made peace (of course,
without resolving the main issue by having her agree to clean up after herself).

My brother came along,
and later my dad.
And together with my mom,
they tried to paint a fake, horrifying picture of me.
Like, if you heard this,
you'd want me to be locked up.

I was this violent,
abusive person.
I had hit him for no reason.
I was the cause of his spinal problem for which he had to get surgery.
According to my brother (and my parents),
I'd beat him up so badly that he needed surgery.

Never mind that he told a completely different story before.
That he'd gotten the surgery when my wife and I were living separately in Pasir Ris.
Never mind the fact that there are no hospital records,
no police reports, nothing.

Never mind the fact that I'm like twice his size,
and if I really wanted to,
I could've destroyed him.
You'd get it if you could see the size difference between us.

Even after all that,
I still wracked my brains.
Did I ever black out or something?
We've fought before as siblings do,
but I've always held back.
Was there a really bad fight where something like this happened?
I mean at the very least I would remember the ambulance, right?
It's not like they'd leave him crumpled on the floor or anything
if it were that serious.

That's the thing about false accusations.
Even after everything,
you still end up second-guessing yourself.

It was a lie.
A disgusting lie that could ruin my life,
and the lives of my wife and daughter.

Even another fucking story
about how I threw a punch for no reason.
Really?
Let's try and take them at their word for a second.
For no reason.
Does that sound realistic?
What kind of image does that paint?
Like they are all constantly huddled in a corner,
trying to avoid the big, violent psychopath when he comes home?

Yes.
For no reason.
If you're going to lie,
lie better, you know?
Think of a story.
People dig stories.

Have I thrown a punch before?
Yep.
BROTHERS FIGHT.
But I've always held back.
And yep,
he has punched me before too.
And kicked me, while they were holding me.
And slapped my face.
Even after all that,
I still held back.

And of course they forget all the shit they did to me,
the beatings up until what, maybe 10 years ago?
Oh they like to bring up the past
as if that's what turned me into the monster that they say I am.

Conveniently sidestepping all the shit they pull today.
Like the fucking mess they create every fucking day
that they expect my wife to clean up after
without so much a motherfucking thank-you.
Like the rudeness that they displayed.
Like the time they keep trying to
touch my daughter the way I'd banned them from doing.
The way they tried (and probably do behind my back)
to feed her sugar despite our telling them not to.
Little things and big things over a period of years.

They even tried to warn my wife that I'd get violent towards her.
As if I'm like my parents,
or their own abusive parents and siblings.

There has got to be a word or phrase for this.
Something like "mob mentality" or "gang mentality".
I think they actually believe it too.
It's like they kept spreading the lies in their own circle
over and over again until it became "truth".

And most people think I exaggerate until
they experience it themselves.
After all the shit that's happened,
at least my wife and my other brother's soon-to-be-ex-wife
understand since they too have experienced the same thing.

The worst part?
We may have to move out and break off contact completely,
which is something I am considering seriously now.

Singapore has around a 99% conviction rate.
Easily "solved" cases contribute towards career advancement for officers and prosecutors.

I'd been accused before
and despite video evidence I was still railroaded into a confession.

But an accusation from a family,
with a few "witnesses"?
I'd get convicted even without proper evidence.
Hell, I can guarantee that if they were asked proper questions,
the lie would be exposed,
but what would it take?
I'd have to be arrested first,
so no money for my wife and daughter.
Then I'd have to have someone post bail.
My wife doesn't have any assets.
I'd also lose my job at this point.

And without a lawyer,
your trial date tends to get delayed time and time again
(not sure if this is still the case, but I've got no reason to believe it's changed).

So what, a trial after one year in jail?
Maybe two? Maybe longer?
All this while, who knows what would happen to my wife?
My mom would love it of course.
To be able to fully control someone.
She's trying to arrange for my incarcerated brother's Indonesian wife
to come to Singapore,
while keeping the fact that her husband's in prison a secret from her parents,
who will be moving to Surabaya from Batam (a goddamn far distance) permanently.

When she's in Singapore,
she will be solely reliant on her for money and accommodation.

And my mom will abuse her,
I just know it.
It'll take time,
but she will get there.
And this time,
the girl won't have a husband around to defend her.

Anyway, conviction or not,
my family is fucked.

And they can throw out this accusation any time.
Hell, my younger brother does interviews
with the media about his company from time to time.
And if he lies to them about me,
my career could be in ruins.
And what am I going to do?
Sue?
Guess who'll go to his defence?
Forget the potential criminal case,
a civil case with "witnesses"?
I'd lose in a heartbeat.

No.
We need to sever contacts with this toxic group.
I don't know what the fuck is wrong with them
or how they got there.
But they are a danger to us.

And I hate this because my daughter
will lose people that she loves.
Her grandmother, grandfather,
uncles and aunts.
She doesn't know yet what they're like.
Maybe it's best that way.

Well enough of that.

No Safe Ground

This is going to be a short one,
and I've got a few thoughts swirling around in my head right now.
It feels like I'm trying to catch ghost fish or something.

Where to begin?
Oh yea, why not with white privilege?
And in Singapore's case, Chinese privilege as well.

I swear man,
for the ones in denial about its existence,
even if every single one of them were never arrested, accosted, discriminated against
based on the colour of their skin, checked by security at airports and all the other things
that minorities have to deal with on a much more frequent basis,
if you happened to come across a story in a remote corner of the world where a white girl
was briefly mistaken by the police to be brown or something and then let go immediately
once the officers realized the mistake they'd made...
All those people would be frothing at the mouth,
jumping up and down like enraged apes
claiming that "If white privilege exists, THEN WHY WAS SHE STOPPED??"

You can roll out as many statistics and facts as you want,
and they don't seem to be interested.
Nope.
So long as 100% of them don't get what they perceive to be
100% of the privileges in their imaginary list...
then they'll continue denying the very existence of white privilege.

The arguments tend to go nowhere.
So when I decide to engage,
it's less to convince them,
but to convince whoever is watching.

When you see the repeated denials,
the deflections,
and downright lies,
then hopefully you'll at the very least decide to investigate for yourself.

Well enough of that.

In a Rut

It's been a while,
and I feel it, I really do.
Even that tiny sentence
made me struggle,
and I gave up on trying to describe just how the feeling is
the way I originally wanted to.

And that's not the only thing.

Maybe its the weather,
or the realization about just how far I am from
making the first sale of both fish and software,
but the motivation is just not there.
I feel like going back home,
and setting up the ol' Xbox and just playing and doing nothing.
But that'd probably end up making me depressed,
the way the lack of money with a family to support tends to.

I'm still pretty far off when it comes to my fitness goals as well.
And I've realized that the weight needs to come off.
Bulking can come later.
But it'll never really come without my being able to sleep
peacefully without a fucking blocked nose and snoring so loudly that I wake myself up.

The way out is clear,
from where I stand.

Quit wasting time on Youtube.
Don't run away from the problems you've got to solve.
And for fuck's sake,
quit blaming other people for your own procrastination.

The time is now.
Now.
Now.

It's hard to drag yourself out of the mud.
O GOD, it really is.

But I've got to.

Oh yea and almost forgot.
I should start keeping a physical diary.
One day all this will be gone.
Paper will (hopefully) last longer.
And while I'm mainly looking to keep this for my daughter,
for her to know who I really am... warts and all.
But it'd be nice to have something our grandkids could read.
I wish my grandparents had kept diaries, too.
Or maybe they did,
and I've got no idea.

Time to get to it.

Well enough of that.

Privilege

This won't be a long post.
I'm probably coming down with something.
Couldn't even get to 54 push-ups in the 2nd round,
despite resting for more than 30 seconds.
Goddamn.
This day is not starting off well.

There are a number of deals which
should have already been closed,
and I've got so many calls to make,
but can't even motivate myself to read the emails.
Oh yea, and I've got to delay a meeting with a really nice client
for a demo session.

On top of all of that,
I've yet to practise my Russian,
and hell, haven't even finished a single Russian alphabet poster.

I almost feel like I'm drowning.
But we need the apartment,
not just to improve the relationship with my mom,
but also for our sanity.
The Littlest Dictator will need her own space.
And she'll need safety,
and seems increasingly clear to me
that the only true safe place is in wealth.
Massive amounts of wealth.

You can be black or brown and nobody
fucks with you if you're filthy rich.
It's a fucked up world, sure.
But it's the one we're in.

Which brings me to something
that's been annoying - almost infuriating - me
the past couple of days.

Fucking White people who deny the existence
of White Privilege,
simply because some they and some other White people
don't get just... everything. 

Like the fucking arguments these cocksuckers
put forth after the tragic shooting in Las Vegas.
Journalist Shaun King correctly pointed out
how the terms used to describe the shooter
and other similar White shooters are vastly different
from how non-White shooters described.

They are portrayed as lone wolves,
or mentally-ill, or something else
that always puts emphasis on how
their behaviour is not "normal",
about how this is not how most White people act or think.

Basically White people as a group are not responsible.
Which of course is the way it should be.

But if the shooter were Black or Muslim then holy crap!
Even if you're hundreds of miles away and have nothing
at all to do with that, if you're a person of colour,
you better watch your back,
especially if most of the victims were White.

Entire communities get blamed.
Something must be wrong with "their culture", you see.
Therefore, something must be done about "them".

No White person needs to look
over their shoulder after reading the news about the shooting,
other than maybe to look out for other White shooters.

No fear of retaliation,
or discrimination.

Nope.
You mourn (maybe),
then move on.

But according to the racist dumb fucks
who claim there is no such thing as "White Privilege",
the fact that White people were also amongst the victims
proves that it doesn't exist.

How fucking crazy/stupid is that?
Let's break it down to something simple.

Let's say you're boarding an airplane.
And without paying extra,
you get to choose your seat before anyone else,
get free meals and other little perks
that others do not have access to.

And you got to pay for your ticket
at a lower amount that everyone else.

But because you had to pay at all,
you start exclaiming that you've got
zero privileges.

People would rightfully point out
how fucking stupid and delusional you are.

Just you because you don't get fucking everything
doesn't mean you don't have any privileges.

Oh, and this applies to "Chinese Privilege" in Singapore as well.
And you encounter the same exact stupidity and racism and ignorance as well.

Fucking racists.

Well enough of that.

The Rush

It's October,
and I've got only a short window of time
to raise the amount I need for the down payment
of the types of apartments I'd like to get.

I mean yea sure,
I can always go with an HDB,
and get stuck with it for 5 goddamn years,
even if I lose my job or face any other type of financial difficulty.
Can't lease it out,
not the whole thing anyway.
There's probably now a restriction on leasing out the rooms
without your actually residing in the apartment as well.

Well technically,
I won't be completely stuck with it.
Oh no.
If things really get bad,
I can always sell it back to HDB... likely at a loss.
If they even allow you to offload it in the first place.

Oh, and of course,
during that whole time,
we'll have to endure the fucking joss paper burnings.
The smoke clogging the air,
the stench entering your home even with closed windows.
And if you're really unlucky,
you could be surrounded by
several families that burn on a regular fucking basis.

Religious freedom my ass.
I swear if you start making them responsible
for the clean-up and to take out insurance to cover
any fire or property damage cause by their burnings,
then I can guarantee you that the air would clean up in a hurry.

Find some way to hold them responsible.

But nope.
I've learned that "religious freedom"
here basically means that the majority get
to impose themselves and their practices upon the minorities.

Sure, from time to time
the authorities will crack down on
super fucking obvious racism on curbs
on religious freedom.
Ever heard of the Westboro Baptist Church?
Yea, it's really easy to oppose those assholes.
But the more subtle forms of racism?
Nah.
Privilege must be preserved, you see.

So yea, here I am.
Trying to find a way to find other ways to raise money,
to get the down payment covered.

I'm dealing with a goddamn idiot,
a big talker who
doesn't use email unless it's a deal is close to completion.
What a fucking dumbass.

Well enough of that.

What. The. Fuck.

My English AND Malay are going to shit.
Soon I'll probably be speaking and writing
a hybrid language that no one will understand...
and I'll get pissed off with those people for being "idiots".

Anyway, still here.
Still forming semi-coherent sentences.
So the boat is still floating, for now.

Lately I've been thinking
a lot about earning $20-$30K a month,
so I can afford a nice apartment in the Marina Bay area.
No.
A goddamn penthouse.
A huge one.
With a lawn in which I'll plant a Magnolia tree or two in.

Hey man, hey.
I'm reasonable.
It doesn't HAVE to be in the Marina Bay area, sure.
But the place needs to have nice parks
and wide open sidewalks for the Littlest Dictator and my wife.

Doing it mainly for them.
I could probably live in a fucking hut.

But sometimes I get
hit by memories of how I lived in a tiny apartment,
and had to get up early in the morning and take a cold shower sometimes.

How uncomfortable it was for me to go to school,
how much I hated it.
Not because of the studying,
but everything else around it.
From the journey,
to the social interactions,
to the punishments I'd get for arriving late.

I know... I know... that's part of everyday life.
But there were so many unnecessary pressures, and pain.

We didn't have the money.
We weren't dirt poor,
but I realize now that we were.

And I'm desperate to make sure
my little girl doesn't live that kind of life.

Every day we live with my parents,
in another step towards that kind of life
and it scares me.
I mean it's fucking crazy.
I'm earning significantly more than the average Singaporean.
And yet here I am,
still stuck in a room with my parents and siblings,
a small crisis away from sucking my family and I
back into that old life.

No.
Not going to happen.

Well enough of that.