What. The.

Sunday morning,
and my eyelids are still heavy.

Once again,
after reading and hearing about Islamphobic,
or bigoted comments,
I find myself struggling to find the words to form a coherent argument
to rebut those dumbass, ignorant cocksuckers (those last three words didn't take much thought, though).

For example.
it just popped into my mind Lee Kuan Yew's bullshit argument
about how because Malays (the indigenous minority) and Muslims (most of whom are Malays)
slowed down Singapore's economic progress due to their... increased religiosity.

Never mind the fact that he produced zero factual evidence.
Oh I'm sure he has a few anecdotes for which we have to take his word for,
or strawman arguments to support his bullshit case.

Never mind that.
And let's assume that it is true how Muslims in Singapore became more religious (again, no proof).

Since he placed himself and his family's ass firmly
in the leadership position (how he did it is a whole other long, disturbing story),
shouldn't he be taking responsibility for not adapting the demographic changes?

Man, he and his family and cronies just love (LOVE!) to
go on and on and on about how they brought Singapore progress and prosperity.
You know, as if ordinary Singaporeans had so little to do with it,
being simple-minded and all.

Oh, and worry not! They also rewarded themselves based on
how much they feel their contribution is worth (Lee Kuan Yew is a billionaire).

So yeah,
he loves taking the credit for Singapore's success (if you can call it that).

But when problems arise?
Oh it's always this group's fault, or that one's.
It's never theirs.

I'd probably get more and more pissed off
the more I think about it.

So instead,
I'll focus on the Pram Site business plan.

Well enough of that

Disintegration

Yeah, yeah, just a little exaggeration.
A little too dramatic.

I was thinking of a milder word to use,
when it hit me: Holy shit I can't!

Maybe it's the fatigue.
But not writing for about a month or so probably has something to do with it too.

My wife's out of the hospital,
and both baby and mother are safe.
Man, that's a relief.
I didn't show it, but when I found out the tummy aches
were contractions (at only 6 months),
it genuinely scared me.

It's the 25th of Sep,
and this is the first time I've resumed writing a post
I accidentally left unfinished.

Hell, it's the first time I've ever left a post unfinished.

So I missed all but one session yesterday.
And this morning I missed the first one.

Laziness. And a bit of was-was.
Today will be different. It has to be.
I've seen the alternative path,
gone through it.

Things have to change.

There's so many things I want to write about.
The Start-Up Challenge, my business ideas,
arguments against ignorant, misleading Islamophobic statements and articles,
the continuation of my action hero story...

But dear GOD am I tired.
Even now I can feel myself struggling to find the words.

One thing's for sure.
Nothing changes until I make the move.
Tired as I am, mentally and physically,
unless I dig myself out of this hole,
no one else is going to do it for me.

And now that I've got others depending upon me
to be the stable one,
the rock,
I've got the kind of motivation I've never had before.
I hope I don't feel it right this moment due to the fatigue.
But things will have to change.

Instead of suicide,
my target has changed (unexpectedly, I know)(shut the fuck up).

Now, it's retirement. At 40.
Go all out. Burn out the engine. Wear the tyres down to the spokes, and let the sparks fly.

And when it's all over, I'll check out.
Live in the countryside,
and be at peace with my wife and child.

My child,
who will be protected from all the hatred directed towards Muslims.
Growing up, she shall not have to ask me why her classmates' parents hate her.
Why she is supposed a horrible person.

No. She will not.
This is a promise.

Well enough of that

Countdown

Just getting to this page was a struggle, man.
The reluctance (laziness?) was almost overwhelming,
the slightest delay magnifying the urge to just forget about it and head to bed.

But it's important that I write.
Critical, in fact.

I must use the tools available to me,
to keep them sharp.
Hell, I don't even know if they're all that sharp anymore,
or if they ever were.

Am I still able to form coherent, logical arguments?
Can I still recognize those trying to manipulate me through words?
I think so. I hope so. Though I can feel it slipping through my fingers,
like a bag filled with heavy stones.

I'll have to keep it short,
being sleepy and all.
The fact that I'm sleepy during the day most of the time does not bode well for next week,
when I start my new job.

So I'll talk about this: Gaza.

Here's the thing. There's so much information out there about who is responsible for what,
and the patterns of behaviour throughout the decades of occupation.

But I want to talk about the innocent civilians who have been massacred,
and continue to be targeted still by the fucking Zionists.

Whenever those civilians - especially children - are brought up,
it riles me whenever someone attempts to deflect the attention.
Fucking pisses me off.

When someone brings attention to such a tragedy,
and your first response is 'Yeah, but look over there at what OTHER people are doing!',
then you are severely lacking that bit called 'humanity',
and I have zero respect for you.

You are scum. One of the lowest of the low.

Not only do you disregard the loss of innocent lives,
you're trying to get others to do the same.

And that is something I will not let abide.
Be rest assured there are those who will oppose you
and the ones you support.

You can be rest assured of that, motherfucker.

Well enough of that

Warped

It's been a bittersweet day.
I've finally begun the process of paying back the decades (!) of prayers owed. By just one.
One small step, and I hope it continues.

So I've just been in a weird situation,
which shouldn't have been weird at all.
But my mind went blank,
and I had no idea what to say.
In my own home.

I'm a mixture of emotions right now,
but the best course of action I believe is to file this incident away,
along with a canned response I have attached to it for future, similar incidents.

And after I end this post,
I'll be moving swiftly on.
Nothing like dwelling on an incident
to overreact the next time something similar happens.

My little sister had gone out to the hall,
and told my younger brother that my mother wanted to sleep outside.
He was folding clothes and watching the news.

When she came out a second time,
I really should've said something,
but for the life of me,
I didn't.

Was it because I didn't want a debate?
Was it because I felt my authority had eroded somewhat?

He has a history of questioning,
making you justify WHY.

But it shouldn't have been a problem for me.
When all else fails,
I can just use 'Just because'.
Also I'm much bigger. Physical objections won't get very far with me.

There's been a slew of unrelated incidents recently,
incidents which I normally go out of my way to avoid.
But in the end, after going through them,
resolving them,
it turns out I really needed to confront those fears, or more accurately, apprehensions.

This is another one.
I will not remain quiet any longer.

So many things going on in this world right now,
particularly the massacre in Gaza.

The daily news (alternative and mainstream)(whatever the hell that means)
makes the world seem like a bleak, depressing place to be in.

I feel for the victims.
But it's important that I pay close attention to my own life,
and not fill my thoughts solely with that type of news.
More positivity is needed. Optimism. Humour.
When I am balanced, will I be in a better position to make the world a better place.


Also, fuck France.

Well, enough of that

Blurry

Not sure if I'm still sleepy,
but I don't really feel it,
except for the fog that's clouding my thoughts,
almost preventing me from forming critical arguments.

Or maybe it's the lack of constant writing.
It's become so easy to let others do the thinking for me,
to form the arguments,
and to just agree with them.

George Galloway, Norman Finkelstein, Glenn Greenwald, Noam Chomsky, amongst others.
Now don't get me wrong,
I trust them, trust their judgement.
They shed light on the dark things in the corners of society,
things that need to be revealed.

But once you start to simply go along with their arguments,
and heavily rely on them to shape and articulate your thoughts on certain issues,
you start to erode your own critical thinking skills.
At least, that's what I feel is happening to me.

And there's so much to think about.
Besides having to counter the usual rubbish that flows
out of Islamophobes' mouths,
I need to think about setting up the smoothie business.
The things I'll need.
How much will it all cost? What's the timeline I'm looking at here?

My mind is being frustratingly sluggish.

But things are looking up.
 
I'm praying regularly now,
combating was-was.
Sometimes I do have bad days,
and I can feel the retaliation happening.
The old, almost-forgotten things that would bother me,
that bothered me in the beginning years ago,
they are starting to resurface.
Unnecessary questions arise from time to time with more frequency.

All this tells me I'm doing the right things.
Retaliation is a good thing.
It means I'm on the right path, and on this path I shall stay.

Well enough of that

Between a Rock and a Hard Place

Kind of a lame title,
but it accurately reflects the situation I'm in.

Well technically,
the situation we're in. My wife and I.
As much as I try to shield her from what's going on
and pretend that everything's OK,
she senses it.

When something's just about to fall apart at the seams,
it's only a matter of time before the signs become glaringly obvious.

It's the second day of Ramadhan,
and I've been out of work for what, two months? Three, possibly.
I don't even want to check.

On my way back from sending her off at the airport,
I'd checked my back balance.
$25.
That's all I have in my account.

Talk about coming full circle.
But regrets won't help.

I'm redoubling my efforts.
Three letters a day, instead of two.
And when I get a job,
I'm putting her Smoothie Bar idea into action.
It's too risky to wait.
Too risky.
The money disappears so damn fast.

In many ways I am very fortunate.
We're staying at my parents' place, rent-free.
Hell, the past couple of weeks I haven't even been paying for the utilities.
Not that I could've.

Dark skies are coming, though.
And we need to get ready, brace ourselves for the coming hurricane.

My dad's nearing retirement age,
and how does his company reward his decades of loyalty?
But offering him the following options (if he's lucky):
Take a 10% pay cut doing the EXACT SAME THING,
or an annual contract with possibly 3 working days a week.

Things keep going the way they are,
and soon, we'll run out of money.

With my kid about 5 months away,
I need to act fast.
And I need to put in place contingencies to avoid
being in a place like this again.

I can't give up.
I won't.

Well enough of that

Recurrence

It's happening again.
Maybe it's because I woke up just an hour ago,
and my head still feels like it's floating.
Or maybe it's something else.

The last interview I had,
I could've been more articulate, but I wasn't.
It was a slight struggle to pick the words I needed.

I should've been writing on a regular basis.
Practised getting my thoughts in order.

Right now, I've got a few prominent ones flying round and round in my skull,
each one vying for attention.

One demands that I talk about the action hero story I'm working on,
about an Afghan man saving his brother from a secret prison.

Another demands I talk about the lack of Muslim heroes in movies and books these days.
The 'Western' ones, at least.

Another talks about the idiots bashing Dein Obeidallah's article on Boko Haram
on the Daily Beast. Holy crap are they stupid as hell.

Anyway. So many thoughts.
So many words begging to be used.


I can't. Not in detail. Not yet.
The fact that I've begun writing the opening portion of the rescue scene is heartening.
Just  little bit. Unless I continue the story soon, it would've been for nothing.


Right now though, I need to focus on getting a job.

Well enough of that.