Half-way Through and Getting Nowhere

Where the fuck am I now?

I'm earning much, much more than what I wanted.
But it feels like I get no recognition.

Great.
Now I'm even more pissed because
I sound like a whiny little bitch.

Alright, alright I'll admit a couple of things.

Being rejected by that Korean bitch,
kinda stung.

She had initially accepted my coffee invite,
but changed her mind when she realized
that 'Faizal' wasn't the White guy on my team.

And then to have HIM win
'Employee of the Month',
kinda validates her opinion about
how much more superior the White guy is.

Yeah, yeah I know... I know...
It's just how I feel.

Also,
the reason they picked him,
was because "he worked on 2 teams!"

He fucking did not.
I got stuck with his shit.

He did fuck-all near the end of the quarter
when he was transferred.

Despite my repeated requests,
I wasn't given his opportunities
until less than a week before the quarter-end.

I was doing his stuff and mine,
and did the best I could.

So what happened?
His work appeared to have been
neglected,
and I got stuck with the blame,
while he gets the prize.

FUCK.
Now it's like
I want to be
'Employee of the Month'.


I fucking don't.
But to lose to someone like THAT.
Fucking hell.

It also makes it worse
because 2 members on my team
tried to get me fired.

Seems that way to me.
A part of me wants to give them
the benefit of the doubt.

But when you go straight to the boss
to cover your ass,
and place the blame on me,
you're asking for spiky dildoes up the ass.

All this,
while it's painfully obvious
that quite a number of ugly bitches
that quite a number of guys want to fuck
treat me like crap.

I try to be nice to everyone!
Well tried.

Man, just because
I say 'Hi' or 'Good morning!'
does NOT mean I want to brutally rape you.

I wouldn't do that to my penis.
Hell, I wouldn't do that to a 10-foot Herpes Pole.

Sometimes I wish the law
didn't exist,
so I could beat the shit out of them.

But eh,
we can't have everything.

Well enough of that.

Fuck all of you.

Under

Was up for hours coughing,
until I relented and took some cough syrup.
May have taken a little too much.

Now it's 11am,
and I'm still fucking drowsy.
I've heard of people being addicted to this shit.

What EXACTLY are they addicted to?
Feeling like crap?
It's like I just came a dozen times and am exhausted.
Except a) there's no naked chick next to me and b) I didn't come at all.

That's what taking cough syrup's like.
Puts you in the spot where you feel embarrassed,
humiliated,
exhausted.
Now why the fuck would anyone be addicted to THIS?

Dumbasses.

Well enough of that.

Punch to The Face

I'm rusty.

Been rusty for a while, now.
No longer quick on the draw. Not that I ever used to be THAT quick.
But still.

I struggle now, on a regular basis, to form complete sentences.
Even when I would like to reply
and know which tone I'd like to use,
the words linger behind,
just out of reach.

That asshole mocked me again in the office.
In the past, I would've been able to hit back.
Hard.

But in this condition,
man...
I'm practically a sitting duck.

I could just throw punches,
break a couple of bones.
Meh.
Temporary fix.

My mind's fucking cluttered.
All kinds of thoughts. Guilt.
Hell, I even feel guilty for not feeling ENOUGH guilt.
How much is enough, anyway?
Fucking dumbass.

Keep telling myself the next day or two will be the day I start my new routine.
Change will come.
How long has it been, now? 2 months? 4?
Goddammit.

Things will change tomorrow.
I'm sure of it.


Fuck you.

Well enough of that.

Little Pain

Are you fucking kidding me?
I know I've got bigger problems.

In fact,
I've got one hell of a deadline.

But STILL some stupid whore who looks like a crack addict
manages to piss me off enough to post about it.

This stupid bitch actually thinks I'm into her.
Oh yea,
because EVERYONE knows that
by offering you cheesecake,
I'm asking for your hand in marriage,
and for you to bear my children.
EVERYONE knows that!

Mann...
you try to be nice,
and you get 'rejected' by a goddamn imbecile.

And just a couple of hours ago,
I was talking with my friend,
while sitting on a chair
that I thought belonged to another guy.

It was hers.
So as I was wheeling it over to his desk,
she grabbed it,
said 'Thanks" in a way that makes you feel like a piece of shit,
and didn't even bother turning her monkey's ass of a face to hear my explanation.

Goddamn ugly, stupid piece of crap.
I wouldn't fuck you with an AIDS pole.
AIDS deserves better than you.

Quick Stop

Coming to the end of my week-long break,
and I've realized nothing's changed.
Yep, that's definitely a very BAD thing.

I  have less than a year now.
29 fucking years old.
And what do I have to show for it?
Fuck-all.

Hell, I haven't even drawn any comics.
Oh but the thoughts in my head keep flowing.
Man I really should carry a notebook with me everywhere I go.

There have been a few very minor changes, though.
I realized that although my arms are muscular (shut up),
over the past couple of months,
I've transformed into a chubby piece of shit.
So cycling has once again become a part of my life.

If only it wouldn't rain every goddamn day.

I tried asking a chick out from work.
BIG mistake, I know, I know...

I figured since she isn't Singaporean,
it wouldn't be so bad.
Figured wrong.

See the thing with women,
is that for some fucked up reason,
they have an intense dislike for yours truly.

Imagine decades ago when it was OK for
White people to openly hate Blacks.
So if a Black guy had the nerve to ask a White girl out,
it would be perfectly acceptable to report and punish him,
for not knowing his place.

Fast-forward to the present.
Some Singaporean women can and WILL report
a Bangladeshi man for committing the horrible crime
of asking for her number.
Oh the poor fucking bitches!

Now I'm just a step above that.
While a chink won't report me to law enforcement (and can't anyway since it is NOT A FUCKING CRIME),
anybody willing to listen (especially my superiors)
gets a copy of the report of my audacity in asking for a number,
or a date.

And what normally follows
is a little chat in which
I'm made out to be some pervert
that constantly harasses women.

What's that?
Maybe I went about it wrongly?
Normally I'd tell you to go fuck yourself,
but I gotta admit it,
if I were in your position,
I might be thinking the same thing.


How do I normally go about it?
Once I'm familiar with the girl,
I'd ask her out.

Like this:

Me: "Hey, you wanna go out sometime?"
Her: "Sure."

*runs to her colleagues and bosses 5 mins later*

Her: "OMG HELP UGLY MAN WANT RAPE ME! ME PURE! ME ONLY FOR WHITE MAN!"

The others "OMG! We must talk to him! MAKE HIM REALIZE HE IS A PERVERT!"

So the next day:

Me: "So how about this Friday?"
Her: Silence
Me: "Hey um, I'm sorry did you hear me?"
Her : Silence
Me: "You OK?"
Her :Silence

*I walk away confused*

5 mins later:

The others: "HEY YOU PERVERT WHY WANT TO RAPE PURE GIRL??
                  "DON'T TALK TO PURE GIRL! RAPIST!"


Yeah, something like that.

Fuck this island and the people on it.

Sands

Well today seemed to be a good day. I clicked with people, was less nervous when speaking...
Hell, even my boss gave me a compliment, and that I'd been getting positive reviews from our client.

So why I do still feel like shit. Worse than usual, even.

Can't help shaking the though of being fired at any moment now.
Yep. They've been telling me I'm doing great...
and I keep thinking it's all a goddamn conspiracy. That any day now, they'll announce my replacement.

I hate to admit it, but I like the job. The unpredictability of it.
Yeah, it's only sales, but man...
I can't believe it's what I enjoy.

The large accounts,
the impossible ones.
I enjoy rushing into them headlong,
like a shark intoxicated by the smell of blood in the water.

And since I have less than 1.5 years...
I'd rather stick to this. Do well.
Then I'll be able to end it all with a smile.

Yet I keep thinking people hate me.
That I'll fail in an epic manner.

When the fuck will it end?

Well enough of that.

Maybe I Am Just a Little Fucked Up

...just a little? Yeah, doubt it.
But then again, my frame of reference is about 90% other Singaporeans.
And if being fucked up means I'm different from them,
then I'd rather STAY fucked up.

Of course, it would be nice to not feel like I need fucking attention all the time...
to not have anxiety issues.
Even when praying, I get fucking anxious.
Sounds ridiculous, I know.

But think about it.

You're nervous around your boss... around people in positions of authority.
Now you're asking GOD to grant you your wishes
like some kind of goddamn genie (GOD & goddamn... get it? Get it?? Ahh.. fuck you).

How could you NOT get nervous.

I'm trying to post everyday,
so I can train myself to retrieve words faster...
to form better sentences...
to make my thoughts coherent.

Writing helps. So that's why I'm doing.
Ah fuck, I need to begin reading often, as well.
Son of a bitch.

The insomnia isn't exactly helping my cause.
Sometimes I slur my words...
because I'm too damn sleepy to pronounce them correctly.
At 11am.
After like 400 cups of coffee.

And yeah,
it bothers me that I find it extremely hard
to come up with witty comebacks (shut up).
I need to become sharp, again.

So besides more writing and reading,
I'm hoping doing more cardio's gonna be a big help, too.
If nothing else, it'll at least keep me from panting
after climbing a flight of 2 stairs.
Pathetic.

Well that's about it for now.
Fuck every single one of you.

Have a nice day!