Perpetual Loop

It's 5.47pm,
and the sky is grey.
The trees and buildings and grass look wet and clean and fresh.

Wish I could say the same for myself.
For the past couple of years,
I've tired pretty easily.
And every once in a while, when I don't get enough sleep
- and it seems like I need more than the average person -
I get a crippling headache that lasts for hours.

I don't know what the problem is,
and I can't afford the tests to find out.

A part of me things it's because of my weight,
so that's one of the reasons I'm desperately - fucking desperately! - trying to lose weight.

Maybe the cause of the snoring is also the cause of my perpetual fatigue.

Fortunately, I've been able to land relatively well-paying gigs
that don't require a lot of physical labour and allow me to work from home a lot of the time.

But here's the thing though,
I HAVE to work.

We leave for Korea in about five days,
and I'm unemployed.

I mean sure, we've talked about starting a business,
and even her mom has decided to invest.

I'm worried. Very worried.
And I'm fairly certain she doesn't share my concerns.

No matter how many times I tell her
that I've got a fatigue problem,
no matter how many times I tell her that during the weekday,
during office hours,
I HAVE to fucking work,
it seems like nothing really gets through to her.
Not really.

We've even argued about it a few times.
It's pretty clear that she doesn't think it's so much
as a fatigue problem as it is my being lazy.

And on top of this,
she expects me to help out with the baby constantly throughout the day.

I've explained again and again,
I can't do that,
and work at the same time.

She kind of phases out the multiple times throughout the day
that I help her out.
It's like nothing ever happened.

To her,
even if I'd helped out for many hours on and off
throughout the day,
all she can remember is how I helped out just a little bit,
and all she can focus on is how tired she is looking after the baby.

She says she gets it.
Oh yes, and she gets very emotional about it, too.

She absolutely gets it.
Yep.

And nothing changes.
It might change for a day or two,
but she always reverts.

Always.

She can't put herself in other people's shoes,
not really.

Hell, she can crack a mean-spirited joke
and laugh about it,
but if you throw the same joke - and I mean the exact same one -
she gets upset,
not seeing how it affects other people.
Not really.

And if I were to start a business,
there is no doubt in my mind,
I'd have to dedicate even more time to that,
than I had to for my other previous jobs.
She says she gets it.
She fucking doesn't.
She does not.
Don't think she ever will.

It's like she's been living in bubble,
and now that she's out of it,
can't see the real world for what it is.

We're fucked.
We are well and truly fucked, and I don't know what to do.

She judges me when I'm on the internet watching a video
in between working.
She judges me when I'm resting.

And now that I'm unemployed,
she judges me for that, too.

And still I fucking try.
I'm on my goddamn hands and knees struggling against the fatigue
trying to ensure a good future for both of them,
all the while having her look over my shoulder,
making dismissive fucking comments.

If you ask her though,
she'll say she's supportive.
And then go back to putting me down.

I'll figure something out, I will.
It's hard to tune it out sometimes,
but for the time being,
that's exactly what I have to do.

Oh yea,
and if she were to ever come across this post,
the ONLY thing she'd take away from this,
is how it makes her look.
There will be zero reflection.
She is a fucking saint in her eyes.

And that's the really disappointing thing.

Well enough of that.

Goddamn Racists

It's been a while since I've had a proper argument,
the kind that works your mind,
increases your intelligence.
The kind that forces you to think critically.

When you read article after article involving racism
and the short, racist comments and their responses,
it's easy to just sort of go with the flow.
Keep scrolling down until you see someone who
posts a response that articulates how you feel.

And that's a problem.
I should be able to articulate how I feel.
Depending on others - especially when I don't realize it - makes my mind weak.

Every once in a while I'll get upset at a comment,
and only realize how weak I am when I can't even come up
with a coherent counter-argument in my mind.

This shit takes practice.
I've got to take the same approach when it comes to working out my mind
as well as body.

*Looks down at body*

Goddammit. Looks like I've got a really long way to go.
But hey, the mountain isn't going to climb itself.

Oh yea and before I end this,
fuck the racists and bigots who are opposed to helping out refugees.
Especially the motherfucking faux liberals.

You are the Nazis and Nazi sympathisers.
You are the ones who turned the Jewish children back to be massacred.
You are the ones who support the killing of minorities in other countries,
who cheer the destruction of their homes and livelihoods.

You have existed for centuries and will continue to do so.
Sure your faces and ethnicities may change, but you've always been around.
Like Herpes.
You are the animals who bring the rest of us down.
And you will continue to be opposed.
Fuck all of you.

Well enough of that.

Arrogance

There was a time that I almost believed
my wife and daughter would never come across my blog.
Never read my thoughts.
So I could say what I felt at that moment...
even unreasonable, stupid shit.

This blog is a release valve.

But man, the arrogance of that thought, you know?
Thinking they'd never uncover this.
A part of me feels selfish, too.
My daughter when she's old enough should be able to see what her dad was really like.
His stupid and brilliant and angry thoughts.
All of it.

If either of them come across this, and have reached this far,
just know this: I love you both very much, I really do.

I may express anger and frustration in the posts that come before and after,
but nothing changes how I feel about you two.
I'd die for you.
And I mean every word.

Like any person,
I also evolve.
My opinion on something may change the following week, or month or year.

My hope is that I keep growing into a more decent, kind human being.
Keep getting better in mind and body.

Anyway, I should probably have written something more deep and moving.
But it's 7.23am, and I'm exhausted.
AND I have to hit the gym soon. I probably won't until later in the afternoon. Or evening.

The struggle goes on.

Well enough of that.

Still Fucking Exhausted

There were a lot of things I wanted to write about.

From stupid, dangerous extremist, nationalist Indians
who love existing in their own goddamn echo chambers,
to the American election,
to the shit that's happening at my 'workplace'.
I say that because I'm now getting paid only by commission,
and the company continues to fuck up,
especially when it comes to preparing demos.

But right now I'm just exhausted.
34 years old. Holy shit.
Time really does fly.

Still forced to live with my parents.
None of my business ideas have really taken off,
and right now I'm too tired to actually take any meaningful steps forward.

Oh, and I'm still fat as fuck.
Trying to push myself as hard as I can before Korea to see what happens.
If I can lose a lot of weight in two weeks without even focused exercising,
like I did when I visited Australia,
I wonder what a focused approach for a whole month would result in.
Let's see what breaks first.

Well enough of that

Trying to get Back on Track

It's 10.30am, 

and my brain's still groggy. Vision still slightly blurry too.

Oh yea and I've got to go to the bathroom so bad.

The baby's just woken up, 

and soon I won't have the time to write anything, so here goes.

Came across this article today:

https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2016/sep/10/as-lionel-shriver-made-light-of-identity-i-had-no-choice-but-to-walk-out-on-her

I can just imagine the goddamn racists trying to explain away 

her concerns,

using superficial arguments that totally disregard the main points she's trying to make.

It's basically people trying to argue why they

should be allowed to continue to dehumanise and mock the cultures of people 

who have been historically and are currently still discriminated against.

There's a lot more I'd like to say, but there's no more time left.

Well enough of that.

Powerful GIS SaaS

Whoa.
Haven't felt this excited in ages.
It feels like the high I try to get every time I down multiple cups of coffee.

I've got yet another business idea,
and it is going to be MASSIVE.

The others are going to be put on the back-burner until I (try to) get this off the ground.

A powerful GIS SaaS that includes all the advanced functions you'd find
in the workhorse desktop programs like MapInfo and ArcGIS for Desktop.

It'll also include the data that you'd likely need,
from demographic to geographic and everything in between.

All of this. FOR FREE.
I'll be emulating the Zenefits model.

This has the potential to be a major game-changer and just putting together
the initial framework would likely cost tens of millions of dollars.

But it can work. I know it can.
Millions of dollars, man.

Of course there's a little voice deep in me...
calling out in a corner...
telling me that it's the realist.
My 'Common Sense'.

It won't work.
It won't work like all your other goddamn ideas.

But you know what?
I've come this far.
From earning almost nothing,
with people spitting on me,
looking down on me...
to earning a higher than the average university grad.

I've come this far.
What's a few more steps?

Well enough of that.

Google Thinks Asians in Asia Just Can't Help Bribing

So I've just completed the first course of Google's online training for partners in Asia.
And guess what the very first slide says?

'Don't bribe'.
This pretty much sets the tone for the rest of the course,
which comes across as a Westerner calmly and patiently explaining to his inherently corrupt Asian counterpart why bribery is wrong,
and what the consequences are.

They were even kind enough to include pictures of goddamn hands holding stacks of cash.

And the motherfucking quiz at the end takes condescension to a whole other level:
Simple questions that are something like 'Is giving money to an official wrong?'

Motherfucker.