Still Fucking Exhausted

There were a lot of things I wanted to write about.

From stupid, dangerous extremist, nationalist Indians
who love existing in their own goddamn echo chambers,
to the American election,
to the shit that's happening at my 'workplace'.
I say that because I'm now getting paid only by commission,
and the company continues to fuck up,
especially when it comes to preparing demos.

But right now I'm just exhausted.
34 years old. Holy shit.
Time really does fly.

Still forced to live with my parents.
None of my business ideas have really taken off,
and right now I'm too tired to actually take any meaningful steps forward.

Oh, and I'm still fat as fuck.
Trying to push myself as hard as I can before Korea to see what happens.
If I can lose a lot of weight in two weeks without even focused exercising,
like I did when I visited Australia,
I wonder what a focused approach for a whole month would result in.
Let's see what breaks first.

Well enough of that

Trying to get Back on Track

It's 10.30am, 

and my brain's still groggy. Vision still slightly blurry too.

Oh yea and I've got to go to the bathroom so bad.

The baby's just woken up, 

and soon I won't have the time to write anything, so here goes.

Came across this article today:

https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2016/sep/10/as-lionel-shriver-made-light-of-identity-i-had-no-choice-but-to-walk-out-on-her

I can just imagine the goddamn racists trying to explain away 

her concerns,

using superficial arguments that totally disregard the main points she's trying to make.

It's basically people trying to argue why they

should be allowed to continue to dehumanise and mock the cultures of people 

who have been historically and are currently still discriminated against.

There's a lot more I'd like to say, but there's no more time left.

Well enough of that.

Powerful GIS SaaS

Whoa.
Haven't felt this excited in ages.
It feels like the high I try to get every time I down multiple cups of coffee.

I've got yet another business idea,
and it is going to be MASSIVE.

The others are going to be put on the back-burner until I (try to) get this off the ground.

A powerful GIS SaaS that includes all the advanced functions you'd find
in the workhorse desktop programs like MapInfo and ArcGIS for Desktop.

It'll also include the data that you'd likely need,
from demographic to geographic and everything in between.

All of this. FOR FREE.
I'll be emulating the Zenefits model.

This has the potential to be a major game-changer and just putting together
the initial framework would likely cost tens of millions of dollars.

But it can work. I know it can.
Millions of dollars, man.

Of course there's a little voice deep in me...
calling out in a corner...
telling me that it's the realist.
My 'Common Sense'.

It won't work.
It won't work like all your other goddamn ideas.

But you know what?
I've come this far.
From earning almost nothing,
with people spitting on me,
looking down on me...
to earning a higher than the average university grad.

I've come this far.
What's a few more steps?

Well enough of that.

Google Thinks Asians in Asia Just Can't Help Bribing

So I've just completed the first course of Google's online training for partners in Asia.
And guess what the very first slide says?

'Don't bribe'.
This pretty much sets the tone for the rest of the course,
which comes across as a Westerner calmly and patiently explaining to his inherently corrupt Asian counterpart why bribery is wrong,
and what the consequences are.

They were even kind enough to include pictures of goddamn hands holding stacks of cash.

And the motherfucking quiz at the end takes condescension to a whole other level:
Simple questions that are something like 'Is giving money to an official wrong?'

Motherfucker.

Another Goddamn Rant

Was forced to skip another essential gym session last night,
which ended up with many of my other frustrations bubbling up and almost escaping my lips.
But nope.
Gotta be quiet, gotta lie.
To keep the peace.

She's happy so long as she's not the reason I'm upset.
Although she probably knows it,
if I make any subtle hints that she was a contributing factor,
then she gets really upset,
and the whole conversation will once again,
revolve only around her.

I appreciate what she does for me,
for the family, I fucking do.

And I hate the idea that I even have to add this goddamn obvious caveat.

I see where the family's going.
I see it with my dad who's body is falling apart and STILL he has to work,
and not just work,
but worry about losing his fucking job after dedicating his life to the company.
And oh no, it's not like he's earning a lot based on seniority, nope.

To show its 'appreciation',
because of his age,
they've got him on a yearly contract that may or may not be renewed each year.
For lower pay.

Motherfuckers.

Anyway I digress.
Besides the standard family stuff,
there are a few things that are really important to me,
to the point where it falls short of obsession (I hope).

Finally being fit,
and having a six-pack and a big but cut figure (shut the fuck up).
I'm 33 this year and I feel the fucking clock ticking.

Having enough money to NOT have to get into the office.
Work begins in like, three weeks.
I have three weeks of free time. And just the thought of stepping into the office again,
getting up in the morning,
putting on the prerequisite attire,
day in and day out,
while having the spectre of job loss looming over me the whole time.

Just the fucking thought of it.

It's not exactly the work that I hate.
I see the path laid out.
Keep doing the same thing with minor variations for days and weeks and months and years,
with pay increments here and there,
never enough to be fully comfortable though... never enough.

Get an apartment,
worry even more about losing job to make payments...
begin cutting corners in terms of ethics or self-respect...

Keep doing the same thing over and over again.
Until a thing grey carpet covers my head,
until my skin is like the old trees in the oldest parks,
until my back hurts constantly,
until it becomes a struggle to walk.

And have the worry about making ends meet become more intense.
Without my youth and strength,
what will happen if I fall sick?
If she falls sick?
If something happens. A fire maybe. A minor accident even.

No. Fuck no.

If she won't support me,
hey, that's fine.

I still have to do it.
For the little one. For myself. And yes, even for her too, even if she doesn't fucking appreciate it.

Any new plans for businesses,
keep it to yourself.

Got complaints?
Blog about it. Don't whine like a little bitch.

Pretend pretend pretend.

Set a time for the gym,
and be OK with her getting mildly upset that you left even when she wanted your help with something at the time (which, by the way, is most of the time, at all times of the day).

It must be done.
If we were climbing a mountain,
we'd never get to the summit doing things her way.
And what's worse, she'd probably complain about never reaching the summit despite the many fucking breaks we had to take.

Nope.
This must be done.

I'll wind down the fucking chicken business,
and look up what's trending in this shit-hole of  a city,
and see if I can make some small change,
before I take another stab at the chicken supply business.

Well enough of that.

Democracy?

Gonna be a quick post on something that's been crashing itself against my skull,
trying desperately to get out.

Democracy. Specifically so-called Western-style democracy,
which also happens to be practised in Singapore.

Here's the thing. Fascism is really hard, you guys.
Maintaining a really hardcore police state tends to drain profits.

Manipulation is so much better.
It's the lubrication that allows for a 'soft dictatorship',
or something like, I don't fucking know, a 'semi-totalitarian state'.

Democracy works only with an informed populace.
You don't need to know everything, but you need to have and regularly practice critical thinking skills.

- and I've just again been interrupted by my wife who wants help with the baby.
Nothing wrong with that usually, unless it happens all goddamn day,
preventing me from doing meaningful work.

It's hard looking after a hyperactive baby,
but expecting me to contribute so much time to helping out
will prevent me from working.
And guess what? No work = no money.

She understands that on some level.
Some level. But it seems like she gets so fucking emotional,
that logic goes out the window.

Things that could've been settled in a mere hours take fucking weeks.
It's like all she sees is how hard her part is in looking after the baby,
despite the help she gets from my mom and siblings.
Nope.
I need to help at all motherfucking hours of the motherfucking day.
Even with my messed up body,
occasional migraine attacks.

And what's even better?
She usually doesn't even fucking acknowledge the help I do put in.
Just today I spent half of the day looking after our baby,
despite not having enough sleep,
body aches all over
(from having to sleep outside, because she asked me to due to my snoring waking up the baby),
and a fucking headache.

When she finally had the time to look after the baby,
she chastised me for essentially not helping out at all,
by making it seem like she does all the work.

And this happens daily.
While I'm trying to get the business off the ground and look for a job at the same time.

Motherfucker, I can't even finish this goddamn short article without being interrupted twice.

Anyway, I digress.
Best to end this early.

Democracy doesn't work with a dumbed down, uninformed population.
And voting for the lesser evil?
That's still fucking immoral.

I mean, if person A kills two of your kids, and person B kills only one,
would you vote for person B?
This is relevant especially in the US and the endless wars that they wage on other countries around the world.

Well enough of that.

Still Sinking

We went below the $18K mark yesterday,
and I'm still nowhere close to properly launching the business.

The money will run out at soon,
and instead of launching the business,
I'll probably have to get a job.
And in the current job market coupled with the colour of my skin,
it's definitely going to be harder than last time.
Hell, it could even take more than six months.

I'm trying so goddamn hard to get the business off the ground,
and get in shape to look good for interviews.

And yet, time and again she has shown that
she just doesn't seem to get it.
We've had arguments and discussions and agreements
over how she should focus on the baby so I can do some actual work.
And yet nearly every single day, I can barely get a step or two forward
before having to put things on the backburner while I help out with the Littlest Dictator.

I really do love spending time with the little one, I do.
Not too many dads get to spend
almost the whole day every day with their kids for the first years of their lives.
That's something I'll forever treasure.

But the money IS running out.
My dad's likely going to be retired (or forced into retirement by next year or the year after that).
When that happens, what the hell are we going to do?
Where's the money for the milk and diapers going to come from?

We're on a sinking ship,
and it really hit home yesterday (or was it the day before?)
how she seems oblivious to this fact.
She actually asked me to get a stroller that's designed for a bigger toddlers,
one that would likely cost more than two hundred bucks.
And here's the kicker: It's unnecessary!
Our current one works just fine and IS meant for bigger toddlers too.

This is apart from the occasional question on when we're getting our own apartment,
to the weekly question of where shall we go on the weekends,
as if I had got any proper work done throughout the motherfucking week.

We keep going like this,
and the money will run out,
and her reaction's likely going to be another responsibility-evading 'I didn't know!'

I desperately need her help to actually look after the baby throughout the day while I work.
Yea sure, you'll catch me watching videos and shit like that.
But it's something I need to do, to get going.
I'm trying to break out of that habit, to just get to work, but it's an uphill task,
and I get interrupted every ten or fifteen or twenty minutes.

She needs to understand that an hour or thirty minutes a day is
NOT ENOUGH to get proper work done.
But she can't.
Or more likely, she won't.

So all I can do is continue to struggle as the ship slowly sinks down into the water.

Well enough of that.