Tuesday, May 3, 2016

Still Sinking

We went below the $18K mark yesterday,
and I'm still nowhere close to properly launching the business.

The money will run out at soon,
and instead of launching the business,
I'll probably have to get a job.
And in the current job market coupled with the colour of my skin,
it's definitely going to be harder than last time.
Hell, it could even take more than six months.

I'm trying so goddamn hard to get the business off the ground,
and get in shape to look good for interviews.

And yet, time and again she has shown that
she just doesn't seem to get it.
We've had arguments and discussions and agreements
over how she should focus on the baby so I can do some actual work.
And yet nearly every single day, I can barely get a step or two forward
before having to put things on the backburner while I help out with the Littlest Dictator.

I really do love spending time with the little one, I do.
Not too many dads get to spend
almost the whole day every day with their kids for the first years of their lives.
That's something I'll forever treasure.

But the money IS running out.
My dad's likely going to be retired (or forced into retirement by next year or the year after that).
When that happens, what the hell are we going to do?
Where's the money for the milk and diapers going to come from?

We're on a sinking ship,
and it really hit home yesterday (or was it the day before?)
how she seems oblivious to this fact.
She actually asked me to get a stroller that's designed for a bigger toddlers,
one that would likely cost more than two hundred bucks.
And here's the kicker: It's unnecessary!
Our current one works just fine and IS meant for bigger toddlers too.

This is apart from the occasional question on when we're getting our own apartment,
to the weekly question of where shall we go on the weekends,
as if I had got any proper work done throughout the motherfucking week.

We keep going like this,
and the money will run out,
and her reaction's likely going to be another responsibility-evading 'I didn't know!'

I desperately need her help to actually look after the baby throughout the day while I work.
Yea sure, you'll catch me watching videos and shit like that.
But it's something I need to do, to get going.
I'm trying to break out of that habit, to just get to work, but it's an uphill task,
and I get interrupted every ten or fifteen or twenty minutes.

She needs to understand that an hour or thirty minutes a day is
NOT ENOUGH to get proper work done.
But she can't.
Or more likely, she won't.

So all I can do is continue to struggle as the ship slowly sinks down into the water.

Well enough of that.




















Friday, March 25, 2016

Permission to express grief

There have been so many tragedies lately,
that I've almost become numb.

From natural disasters to man-made ones,
the ones we read about,
and the ones that are alluded to,
but we never find out about.

From the atrocities committed by so-called Western powers,
to the horrifying things done by China and Russia and their allies,
to everything in between done by the smaller players, like Isis.

Denials and bullshit justifications come from those players on a regular basis.
What's really exhausting is listening to the ignorant, bigoted justifications by their civilian supporters.
Everyone from the truly bigoted ones who celebrate the deaths and torture of civilians in other countries,
to the self-proclaimed liberals who seem to be desperate to convince themselves
why their side is the 'good' side.

The horrific bombing in Brussels has dominated the news recently.
And while people from all over the world have expressed solidarity with the Belgians,
quite a few have rightfully pointed out the hypocrisy in how the so-called Western victims are treated in the media and by citizens in those countries, compared to the non-Western ones.

And of course the justifications for this begin to pour in,
grasping at anything they can get a hold of to claim why there's nothing wrong with that.
That OF COURSE they will identify more with Western victims,
followed by finger-pointing at those who point out the hypocrisy,
in an attempt to shame them into silence.

None of them bothers to mention the global nature of mainstream media today.
Deaths of civilians in faraway 'Brown' countries are treated more like entertainment,
or something that simply happens in that part of the world.
Oh, did you know? 10 families were wiped out in a drone attack in Afghanistan today.
Let's move on, to sports now, shall we?

We've been conditioned to tune out those deaths,
to identify those victims as 'others'.
What it basically means is that their deaths don't mean so much.

I have a feeling that the outrage and incredible outpouring of grief for the Brussels victims (the ones in Brussels, not the 'Brown' ones in those faraway countries)
is due to several reasons:

1. Fear. If it can happen in Brussels (and Paris), it can happen to your city, too. Suddenly it's no longer entertainment or simply background news.

2. Racism. How DARE they target Westerners - meaning 'White', though the victims of course include non-White civilians.

Never mind the fact that their countries have been waging unprovoked war on so many countries for so very long. Nope. They are superior. It's not the same, you see because of reasons.
Clashing cultures is one bullshit reason they like to use over and over again.

It also reaffirms their twisted, racist beliefs. The comments from some of these people
make it look like they're almost happy that it happened.
Now they can justify attacking that Brown family who lives down the street.
They can harass others they deem responsible (of course, always absolving themselves when people like them commit atrocities because of again, reasons).

Oh and by the way, when you attack an entire goddamn country, EVERYONE is affected:
From law-abiding civilians to criminals. Everyone.
A few of them will retaliate in kind, and they won't adhere to anyone's standards but their own.
Ironic though, because attacking civilians is exactly what those good ol' regular NATO forces do.

3. Genuine sadness at the senseless loss of life, and a realization that this is what victims in those faraway countries encounter on a regular basis.
These are the ones who have just woken up.
The disconnect has been remedied.

From what I've seen online though, no.3 seems to be in the minority.

These reasons are by no means exhaustive, of course. But going from article to article,
readings comments on those articles and on social media... I think it's a pretty good bet.

World War 3 is coming, without a doubt.
There will at one point be a war amongst the major powers. We saw a glimpse of it when Russia intervened in Syria.

The US is on the decline and despite their best efforts,
other powers are rising.
And they will not bow.

What does that mean for people like you and me?
Misery.

I just hope it doesn't happen in my or my children, or my grandchildren's lifetimes.

As for what my plans are?
To make as much money as possible,
and retire somewhere rural,
out of the way.
Live our lives in peace.
I can hope, can't I?

Well enough of that.



















Wednesday, March 2, 2016

Goddammit

If for some insane reason you've been reading my blog (seriously, don't you have a life?),
you'll realize that I complain quite a bit here.
OK, OK... fine. I bitch a lot.
It's my motherfucking blog.
Also, everybody needs an outlet.

But this post is going to be different!
It's going to be upbeat and filled with sunshine and bunnies!

Just kidding.
And fuck you.

Where was I? Oh yeah.
Around late afternoon yesterday,
I sort of got the wind knocked out of me. Emotionally (ehh go fuck yourself).

A simple request to my wife to help me identify three Russian meat companies...
just three...
turned into another mini-argument.

These happen a lot whenever a business-related request of mine comes up.
And from where I'm standing,
I've got a pretty good idea why. At least one of the major reasons anyway:
She doesn't think it's a good idea.
Doesn't matter what it is,
if even a hint of complexity comes into play...
she immediately expresses reservations.

Oh she'll say that she supports it.
But I've learned a long time ago that it doesn't mean much.

She's a big fan of asking for things,
and spending money...
but when it comes to making money,
eh, not so much.

She's even expressed interest in working,
as in, she'll work while I stay at home and look after our baby.

One problem though: It won't work.
I know it won't. She'll miss the baby too much,
she'll get too annoyed at work,
she'll be too tired and stressed and come back every day in a very irritable state.

Might not happen immediately.
But it will.

I know her way too well to know this.
Oh maybe I'm just a little bitter right now.

Back to what happened this afternoon.
Right after that mini-argument, I felt... deflated.

What's the point, really?
Why not just get a regular job,
work miserably a few months (while worrying about losing said job),
save up enough for the down payment on a nondescript HDB apartment,
and spend the rest of my goddamn life trying to stay ahead of the interest payments.

And she'd still be dissatisfied.
All that would mean fewer vacations and luxuries.

And I would be miserable.
Not the kind of atmosphere I'd want our child to grow up in.

But that response. That fucking response.

And what she said about 10-15 mins later felt even worse.
As she picked up the baby,
in a tone that had a mixture of resignation and regret when you treat a motherfucking pet poorly,
she said that we could review those companies later,
after she was done washing the baby.

As if she were doing me a favour.
Like a condescending boss talking down to her incompetent subordinate.

And during this moment... it just hit me out of nowhere:
I wish I were married to someone I was attracted to.

And it made me even more depressed because it's true.
Holy shit it's true.

She could be someone I'm attracted to.
She could be.
All she has to do is workout.
But I can't even broach the topic without driving her to tears,
and having to pretend I meant something else.

All this bitching and moaning might seem like I don't appreciate her.
I do.
I mean holy shit without her I wouldn't have a daughter,
and wouldn't even be able to look after her properly.
My life would probably be a mess (literally and metaphorically).
I owe a LOT to her.

She genuinely cares about me,
as I care about her.

But certain aspects of her personality...
keep dragging me down.
And it takes a lot of effort to pull myself back up again.
All while pretending everything is OK.
Like climbing up a steep slope with weights tied to my ankles and shoulders.

I have to carry on, though.
The alternative is to just lay in the muck... pulling my daughter down with us.

Well enough of that.




























Saturday, February 27, 2016

Remember Where You Came From

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Saturday, January 30, 2016

Busan

Just returned to Singapore from Busan.
The flight was way longer than it should've been,
and so much has changed since we landed in Korea two months ago.

Not only did I resign,
and the baby began saying 'Papa' (about damn time too!),
but I've realized that I would really like to stay there.
Maybe that was the wake-up call that I needed to make the plunge.

There's so much to do now:
Set up a business in Singapore to import fish from Korea, and to export Indonesian or Malaysian meat (maybe  even African too) to Korea.

If the business takes off, hopefully we'll be  able to stay anywhere we want.
Busan, or even Switzerland (where my wife's side of the family is seeking to move to).

There's a lot of words swimming around in my head about Busan,
living with my mother-in-law,
starting a business, etc.

I'm exhausted, and thinking about the steps I need to take makes me even more tired.

But I'll touch on one topic.
I can see the  fissures widening  between us. There are fewer and fewer moments of affection,
and a dozen  other little things that slowly move the status of a relationship from lovers to  good friends.

And something tells me at some point - at some point - we might no longer be  together.

I hope that when that happens, we both  land firmly on our feet,
and stay friendly,
especially for the sake of our little girl.
And I really hope that by that time comes,
I have enough to provide for the both of us.

Starting  tomorrow, on the 1st of February, the countdown begins.
Six months.
By the end of this period, the business must have already begun taking steady steps
and generating income.

And personally, I should be really close to where I'd like to be in terms of fitness.

Six months.

There's a lot  to do.
Bring  it on.


Well enough of that.











Saturday, November 21, 2015

Differences

Been reading a lot about increasing bigotry against Muslims and Arabs.
Been reading a lot of bigoted comments, too.
I should stop, really.
Take a short break.
But in a twisted sort of way, it's addictive.

I feel like  I need a break  from all that  negativity,
and I'm so thankful to be  able to actually do that.
To switch off  the computer,
or go to other sites that  focus on more uplifting things.

Refugees  don't get that option.

The  thing  I've noticed with bigots  over  and  over again,
is that they always try to  draw a line that separates them and those horrible 'others'.
And where that line is placed is  entirely up to them.

In their narrow, twisted minds,
they've managed to place  themselves in a higher  position,
as opposed to  those 'others'.

In their minds, they've managed to give themselves the  authority
to  judge how others  should act,
what they should be  allowed to say  and  do.

One of these 'others' is immigrants.
Point out to any nationalistic bigot how his  parents or their parents were  immigrants  too,
and you'll get a slew of  excuses why  that  doesn't count.
Nope!
That's different, you see... because of reasons.

Another one of the 'others' is refugees.
Point  out how in the past,
people just like him and his family had also moved away from war-torn areas,
seeking a safer, better life.
Again, you'll get a long list of excuses why it's just  not  the same.

They'll grasp at  anything they can think of...
usually something to do with culture.
They're different! They are  more prone to criminality, you see.
More violent!

And if you bring up statistics that  refute  any of their  claims,
they'll either dismiss them, or attempt to deflect.

If you decide to persevere and continue to engage them,
you'll reach a point where all their arguments fall apart.
Will that be end of  it? Will they change  their minds?
Nope!
The argument starts  all over again.
Round and round it goes.
Most of them can't accept the  truth.
They can't accept that  brown or  black people are just like them.
They can't accept that the groups they've been backing  have been the real fanatics all along.

All this talk about religious extremism,
and  I rarely see any talk about a  religious-like  extremism: The pursuit of wealth  and power at  all costs.

From monarchies to elected governments to massive corporations.
The players change, but the  goals remain the  same. Dominion over  others, and the  accumulation of wealth. Never  enough, never  enough.

It's extremely  depressing.
And  so, I need to take a break.

Thankfully, I am able  to. And  I will.

Well enough of  that.

























Wednesday, November 18, 2015

Still tired

Have I used a similar title before?
Can't remember.
My elbows are  resting on the table,
and I can barely keep myself upright on this wooden chair.

And yes, I'm still sleepy as hell,
but I'm at  that  weird  point where I've woken up for the day.
Might be able to  take a nap later in a few hours.

Right now, I'm just hoping a bit of  caffeine is going to be enough
for me to start  doing my daily push-ups.

So why the hell am I back?
I need to post something, that's why.

A lot of  shit  has  gone down,
and I probably only have a few months  left on the job.
The director and his boss have  made  their move.
And his boss sounds so very reasonable too,
that sly, cheeky bastard.

But that's not the main reason I'm here.

I posted a comment on  Facebook recently,
and... I chose the  wrong  word.
I meant  'persecuted', and  instead went  with 'prosecuted'.

That kind of thing bothers  the hell out of me.
Sure, I was  exhausted when I wrote it, but it still bugs me.

It's a reminder that  I hadn't written  in a very long  time.
To put  together  words that  form a compelling story is  not going to be  as easy as it used to be,
back when I was posting regularly (how long ago was that??).

But  I'm a sales  guy, and  this sort of thing is fucking important.

I  guess that little mistake kicked off  a chain  reaction of thoughts.
My English is  going down the  crapper again,
and I can't create engaging stories around not just my products,
but  my experiences. Not the way I used to do.

There's just  so much to do.
Also, it'll probably  help if,
after reading  the  headlines,
I  start going  through The  Oatmeal, Cracked, Penny Arcade, sites like that.

Big  fan of The  Oatmeal, especially the way he writes articles.
Dude's got a unique style.

Anyway, I better down the  rest  of my coffee and  hope I can get  something  useful done
in the  next few  hours.

Well enough of that.