Stagnation

Yep.
No carpool app yet. No apps of any kind.

As a matter of fact, I've decided to make a few mobile games first,
and use that to fund my carpool app.

Not quite the amount of progress I had in mind but hey,
the train's moving along and - oh goddammit.
Just realized I hadn't even worked on my cat's story either.

Been spending a bit more time at the office lately,
due to a deal.

I've decided that although I do love sales,
their archaic processes are way too much of a pain in the ass.

From the convoluted way of approving quotes before they can be issued,
to way their whole order processing structure is set up,
all of it makes me want to punch people in the face with a shovel/chainsaw combo.

So instead of focusing on doing actual sales,
most of the time is spent with paperwork. NEEDLESS fucking paperwork.

I mean holy shit.
Get a paralegal. And a motherfucking CRM already.

Ironic how the whole sales pitch is about improving the customers' processes.
It would be like selling a washing machine,
while doing all of your laundry by hand. While naked. With a dildo stuck up your ass.

Did I have to add that last bit?
Nope.
But I did anyway. So fuck you very much, ok? OK great.


Now on the home front,
this next thing isn't exactly bad.

But I must admit,
it makes me nervous.

She's reading The Game.
And in the process, she's learning about the pickup community.

I got into the whole PUA thing a while back.
Not to sleep with women,
but to learn how to attract them, and that was it.

Learned about the different techniques,
but I've probably only practised a handful of them.

And here's the thing.
Sometimes I fall short.
Sometimes I know I should've acted a certain way, but didn't.
Or realized it only after it had happened

It's what happens when you don't practise on a regular basis,
and that's fine.

Those moments will keep coming (especially now that I take the train to work every damn day),
like little annoying reminders,
and in the process I'll improve.

But when my wife is aware of those exact same techniques,
it might magnify the effects of those moments.
Or maybe I'm just paranoid.

On the plus side,
it would DEFINITELY help her understand me better.

Plus, it kind of gives her a sort of defence against assholes trying to get with her.

You know what?
Doesn't seem so bad after all.


The end of this post feels like
the ending of some feel-good Disney movie.
Fucking Disney.

Well enough of that.

 

Slow-Moving

Things are moving along at the same pace.
Talk about frustrating.

But the most frustrating of all,
is seeing the lack of advancement.

Personally, professionally.

Oh hell, even now, I find it hard to put words together to form proper sentences.
But it's not just a matter of forming sentences now.
My mind feels once again,
as if it is behind a grey cloud.

There are vague thoughts swimming around up there,
and I can't seem to get them to connect with each other,
to form clearly-defined figures, which can then be expressed through words.

I don't feel too tired,
but I suspect that I am.

The pace needs to be picked up.
And I need to be more disciplined.

Might just abandon my Carpool app idea.
Or make something that blows everyone else away.
I will make that decision by the end of this post.

As for the kids' story of my cat,
I will aim to finish it this Friday night. No more delays.

My lack of articulation is killing me.
It's so hard to focus.
Even now, I keep thinking of what apps I can create.

I know... I know... so much bitching.
But hey, it's my motherfucking blog...
so if you don't like it,
kindly shave your head,
apply a generous amount of Vasoline,
find a great big fat cow (or goat),
and stick your head directly up its asshole.

Do it.
Now.

Anyway, I've decided.
I will create an app that will blow the competition right out of the water.
And add more capabilities to it, to expand beyond just Carpool.
Or maybe at the end of the development, I'll end up making a completely different app.

It's so tempting to try and come up with a simple app,
and hope that it will be successful.
But this is what I'd like to do.
This weekend, I will be testing the existing apps, learning from them.
And then it will be my turn.

Well enough of that

Stuttering

Week has not been going along well so far.
Not just peachy.
Even a little frustrating.

Where the hell am I?
The plan was to write something, anything, each night,
to improve on my English, not to mention articulation.
Am I even saying it correctly?
Are those two the same thing? Goddammit. I'm not even sure anymore.

Been a while since I've revised what little I've learned about Russian,
and the one or two new words I've learned since then is absolutely pathetic.

Oh yea, and I'm just starting a new routine today,
without getting enough sleep the night before (or the night before then).

My brain's cloudy, I can barely see the words I need to use even for this fucking post.

Work makes me feel  like a piece of driftwood,
floating down the river...

And I almost forgot to mention this.
Last night, she caught me looking at an old video posted on Dailymotion.
I was curious and bored, and had just had a conversation with Jill.

Of course, NATURALLY she had to come and take a look at it.
Before I even got a chance to view (or more importantly close it),
she saw what it was.

A naked chick. Well, two naked, Asian chicks.
And instead of just brushing it off,
I actually tried a number of excuses...
until I finally admitted.

Me. Admitting.
Sure, it was a little embarrassing. But hey, you just move on.

Why the fuck did I even try to justify it.
Here I was, thinking I was over shit like that.

It's time to re-learn the 77 Rules.

So yep. Stuttering is one hell of an understatement.

I could continue being frustrated,
and bitch and moan for as long as I want...

Or I could stop being a dumbass,
and make improvements.

Time to move forward.

Well enough of that

Back In The Gulag- Er, I mean Office

Ok, ok... 

a little too dramatic.

Hell, the office is a pretty nice place compared to a gulag.

I'm pretty sure.

Like, 70% sure.

Ahh... what the fuck am I bitching about.

Sheesh.

Just came back after a long weekend,

and it's a freakin' Wednesday,

'Bicep day', my favourite workout day.

And of course,

OF COURSE, I feel exhausted.

Jenia was having her period,

and I had an extra two days to catch up on my sleep.

And what the FUCK DID I DO?

Wasted myself away eating chocolate,

and STILL trying to fool around with Jenia...

She's the sweetest,

kindest, most sensitive girl I know

(yeah, yeah... shut the fuck up).

So naturally,

in the span of two-odd months of being married,

I've made her cry twice.

That's right.

Once a month, SHE CRIES.

And yea,

she can be a little too sensitive sometimes...

But the shit that came out of my mouth.

My fucking loud mouth and gigantic ego.

And over little things, too.

I didn't lose my shit and start screaming or anything...

But I did something worse.

I expressed just a little bit of anger,

annoyance at what seem to her RANDOM THINGS.

In a twisted corner of my mind (I realized how fucking stupid it was, when I was trying to rationalize it),

I was losing 'social value' or 'demonstrating lower value' by not taking charge

of say, what dish I wanted, or letting her decide which direction to go...

And by 'demonstrating lower value', I was going to lose her.

Ironic thing is,

by getting upset over the little things...

random shit...

I run the very REAL risk of losing her.

Hell, if I had to tip-toe around my wife all the goddamn time,

I'd end up leaving, too.

And that's the thing.

By getting upset over random things, she needs to do that.

She assures me she doesn't,

but after the second time, 

I wouldn't be able to avoid doing it myself.

Tip-toe around me. Watch every little thing she says.

Like I'm a fragile, porcelain doll.

Fucking stupid.

A part of me feels like I'm ruining her life.

She got herself a damaged husband.

It's still early days of course,

and I'm working on changing.

Writing this down,

and leaving it here will hopefully make it easier for me (and her) to move on.

Goddammit I need to get my act together.

Hitting the gym tonight would be a good start.

Well enough of that

Rush Hour

It's 10am in the office,
and the amount of work I've done
is equal to the amount of snow that has fallen in Singapore the past year.

If you're still trying to figure out what that means,
then please,
run at full speed into a concrete wall.
You'll be doing yourself a favour, trust me.

I'm tired...
exhausted, really.

Mentally, and physically.

Now don't get me wrong,
I love the technology, and the actual work itself.
Problem is, there just isn't enough for me to do.

And while my director is a pretty cool guy,
once the CEO realizes I'm dead weight,
I'm probably gone.
Gotta say though,
if I were in his position, I'd do the EXACT same thing.

There's also the fact that I feel like I'm stagnating.
Going nowhere, career-wise.

I kind of feel the same way personally, too.
My English has suffered, not to mention my conversational skills.

Was speaking with a girl this morning,
and goddammit I almost reached a point where I had nothing to say.

At least the anxiety has not returned.
That's a good thing.

There's a shitload more to talk about,
but being in the office,
and not being the owner of the company,
makes it slightly less convenient to spend a long-ass time on your blog.

There are a few positives, though.
Every day, I will learn something new, something practical.
Russian, or about GIS.
Doesn't matter.
There must be progress.

And my arm has healed...
so later tonight, I'll be back in the gym.

Oh yea.

Now if you've had enough...
kind go forth and fuck yourself in the ass.


Well enough of that

Back At It

About 11.30pm on a Wednesday night,
and I'm waiting for the final 15 mins until the washing machine
is done with the bedsheets and pillow sheets.
Oh, and one tiny pillow.

Returned last Friday night,
and I was a complete mess,
barely able to walk, or eat anything...
And yep, pretty much coughed and sneezed and jizzed all over the place...
Ok maybe not that last one.

Ah yes,
an attempt at crude humour.
Talk about failing miserably.
Goddammit I really should write here more often.

Once again in the office,
I stumbled in my speech,
unable to find the proper words...

Makes me want to punch myself in the fucking face just thinking about it.

But beyond that,
I'm supposed to be happy with where I am in my career right now.

On paper,
I've advanced significantly.
Hell, if I retired now, compared to where my life was originally headed,
I could honestly say I fucking MADE IT.
Against the odds,
I made it.

And yet,
I'm not happy.

A part of me feels like a motherfucking selfish prick.
Earning as much as I do right now...
with the title on paper
 (ok, ok so it's just Sales Associate, but it's still an improvement, so fuck you very much,
I should be ecstatic on a daily basis.

I thanked GOD (still do) that I got the job.

But the reality is,
I'm just cruising along at the mercy of the river,
unable to chart my own course.

Great. I stop mid-way to check on the washer,
and stop the cycle with 3 mins left.
And what does that goddamn piece of shit machine do?
Keeps the door locked.
AND won't resume the fucking cycle.
So I had to set a new one.
Motherfucker must be modeled after the way a typical Singaporean thinks and acts.

Fuck, fuck, fuck.

Oh well.
Might as well continue.

So far, I've only closed ONE deal.
That's it.
After what, 4 months? 5?

There is no CRM.
Their prices are fucking EXORBITANT.
And their internal processes are shit.
After so many months, I'm still waiting on a new laptop.

My boss is a nice guy.
And yea, I do respect him.

But right now,
I feel like he's just keeping me around for the sake of it.

If one day the CEO decides I'm a burden (and he wouldn't be wrong!),
I'm gone.

Doing random tasks.
Very little actual sales. I can almost feel my skills eroding.

I need to get out.
So I'm already looking for another gig.

But in the meantime,
every little task given to me,
I will give it my best shot.

Yep. It does indeed sound lame.
You know that I give a fuck about what you think right?
Yep. There you go.

Well enough of that.

At The Gates

It's freezing cold.
My fingers are starting to feel numb.

Looking for more words,
but they are slow coming.

Jacket's not helping much.

Nope, I'm not still in Busan.
The airconditioner is directly above my desk,
and it feels like the bright sunshine outside the large windows nearby is mocking me.

Man. It's been a crazy year.
Not too long ago, I set myself a target: 2 years and I would end it all.

And within those 2 years,
I would give my best to achieve and feel the things I'd always wanted to feel.
That's putting it mildly.

It would be more like a dancer giving in completely to the music,
moving with wild abandon.

Nothing to lose.
I was going to learn how to speak comfortably with people.
Attract women.
I was going to find out what having a successful career feels like.

I was going to LIVE, goddammit.
And end it all on MY terms.


Learned so many things.
Women no longer intimidated me.

Hell, I could strike up a conversation with a whole group,
when in the past, I could barely make eye contact.

Found a great job,
where I met people from all over the world.
That place was my testing ground. I kept what worked, and discarded what didn't.

I flew for the first time ever, to Macau.

A personal vacation in the past,
meant relaxing in Singapore...
maybe I'd watch a movie or have lunch at a nice restaurant.

This time around,
I went a proper, full-on 2-week vacation in Melbourne and Perth!
That was pretty fucking awesome.

The people were so friendly,
and I struck up conversations with strangers easily...

It felt so natural.
In Melbourne, I met up with a few of my clients who became friends...
No longer were they just voices on the phone,
or text in an e-mail.

The city itself was amazing.
So full of life.
The narrow alleyways, and the mixture of old and new architecture.
Hell, even the trams were cool to me.

The beaches, the cool autumn weather, the long walks...
Long walks!
Man oh man... I'd almost forgotten how much I loved to talk walks...

And Perth.
Alright, alright I'll admit...
the place as a whole is pretty boring compared to Melbourne and Singapore...

But if you're looking for a laidback atmosphere...
a place to relax, with wide, wide open spaces...

You would like that place very much.
I know I did.

Stayed with another client who became a friend... a good, reliable friend.
A true friend.

He and his girlfriend make such a cute couple.
Heh.

Now before I continue,
you might be asking yourself 'How did become so breathtakingly lame?'

The answer is simple:
Go fuck yourself.
Seriously.
Go outside, find a nice long branch...
and fuck yourself.

Now that we've settled that,
I'm going to move onto the most amazing thing that has happened to me within the year.
Something I would never have guessed.




In less than two weeks,
I will be married to the most amazing, intriguing woman I've ever known.

Man, of all the unexpected things to happen,
this tops the list.

I'd already decided that marriage was NEVER going to happen for me.
Not with the laws and women the way they are.

Logged into an old OKCupid account...
and chanced upon the description of a Korean-Russian,
living in Beijing.

Now that got me curious.
Not in the sense of dating. I was genuinely curious.

Korean-Russian? Never heard of it.
And living in Beijing?

I was picking up girls in Singapore,
dating casually...

She was in BEIJING, for crying out loud.
But I was drawn to her.

I ran a little bit of game,
but quickly got sucked in.
No, I went in. Willingly. I was eager.

As hard as it was to believe for me at the time,
I was in love with who she was...
Now believe me, looks were pretty important to me at the time...

But I made a new decision.
I didn't really care what she looked like.This woman I'd never met before... I loved her.

We met briefly 6 months ago...
and soon, very soon...
her hand will be in mine,
and we will truly belong to each other.


Yea, yea...
I know... I know...

You could probably find a gazillion men
who wax lyrical about their girlfriends or wives...

Guys who changed their tune when they get screwed over.

But you know what?
Despite the risks. Even if she did leave me...
I would move on.
Oh it would hurt like a motherfucker, no doubt about it.

But I would move on.
And more than that, I would emerge a better man.

That is what she makes me want to be.
I already wanted to succeed...
but she provides that additional push...
when you see the finish line,
and the tank's empty...
yet somehow, you manage to push forward even harder.

That's what she is to me.

So regardless of how it turns out...
I would still be a better man.
Thanks to her.


Here I am,
at the gates to my new life.
And words can barely express my excitement.

So much more to learn.
So much more to experience.

My English has suffered recently,
probably due to a couple of things...
The freezing office, lack of sleep, and staying away from blogging.

Writing this shit helps.
A lot.

I'll probably begin writing again on a regular basis.
Or not.
We'll see.

Been reviewing the 77 Laws,
and the idea of never justifying myself...
was actually giving me a fucking headache.

I mean, how far do you take it?
If you're going to the store, are you supposed to reveal what you want to get?
Or does it stop at what you want to get, and not revealing WHY you want that thing?

And then it hit me.
This is taking up waaay more mental space than is needed.

My definition of it?
Never defending your decision.

If you want to go to the store to get that jam,
then people ask why,
hey, it's because you want to, that's why.
Fuck them.

But it doesn't mean I'm going to begin
narrating the equivalent of a fucking epic novel,
every time I want to do something.

Sometimes I'll reveal what I want in the store,
and sometimes I won't.

And if by now,
you think I'm referring only to a visit to the store,
then please,
smack yourself in the face with a sledgehammer.

You'll be doing us both a favour.


Anyway...
the gates are open now.
And soon I will be walking through them.

But first,
I'll need to take care of this goddamn airconditioner...


Well enough of that