Sands

Well today seemed to be a good day. I clicked with people, was less nervous when speaking...
Hell, even my boss gave me a compliment, and that I'd been getting positive reviews from our client.

So why I do still feel like shit. Worse than usual, even.

Can't help shaking the though of being fired at any moment now.
Yep. They've been telling me I'm doing great...
and I keep thinking it's all a goddamn conspiracy. That any day now, they'll announce my replacement.

I hate to admit it, but I like the job. The unpredictability of it.
Yeah, it's only sales, but man...
I can't believe it's what I enjoy.

The large accounts,
the impossible ones.
I enjoy rushing into them headlong,
like a shark intoxicated by the smell of blood in the water.

And since I have less than 1.5 years...
I'd rather stick to this. Do well.
Then I'll be able to end it all with a smile.

Yet I keep thinking people hate me.
That I'll fail in an epic manner.

When the fuck will it end?

Well enough of that.

Maybe I Am Just a Little Fucked Up

...just a little? Yeah, doubt it.
But then again, my frame of reference is about 90% other Singaporeans.
And if being fucked up means I'm different from them,
then I'd rather STAY fucked up.

Of course, it would be nice to not feel like I need fucking attention all the time...
to not have anxiety issues.
Even when praying, I get fucking anxious.
Sounds ridiculous, I know.

But think about it.

You're nervous around your boss... around people in positions of authority.
Now you're asking GOD to grant you your wishes
like some kind of goddamn genie (GOD & goddamn... get it? Get it?? Ahh.. fuck you).

How could you NOT get nervous.

I'm trying to post everyday,
so I can train myself to retrieve words faster...
to form better sentences...
to make my thoughts coherent.

Writing helps. So that's why I'm doing.
Ah fuck, I need to begin reading often, as well.
Son of a bitch.

The insomnia isn't exactly helping my cause.
Sometimes I slur my words...
because I'm too damn sleepy to pronounce them correctly.
At 11am.
After like 400 cups of coffee.

And yeah,
it bothers me that I find it extremely hard
to come up with witty comebacks (shut up).
I need to become sharp, again.

So besides more writing and reading,
I'm hoping doing more cardio's gonna be a big help, too.
If nothing else, it'll at least keep me from panting
after climbing a flight of 2 stairs.
Pathetic.

Well that's about it for now.
Fuck every single one of you.

Have a nice day!

Eh?

Been a while since I've been here.
Man, I wanna say that things have improved, that I'm doing better.
I'm not.

With what, like a year-and-a-half left? Goddamn.
I have made a friend or two,
but when I view their Facebook page or something (shut the fuck up),
and see their recent 'events',
it makes me feel left out.
Despite the fact that I'm not close with them at all.

Holy shit what the hell is wrong with me?
I want constant attention, is that it?

Every time someone doesn't smile at me,
every time someone DOES...
It still makes me feel like beating the shit out of myself.

What's different, though?
Nothing much.
Went out with AND got rejected by a 35 year-old.
A fucking Auntie rejected me.
Jesus fucking Christ.

Is this as good as it gets?
I am not looking forward to Monday (as usual).
But I want this day to end quickly as well.

Fuck off.
Have a nice day!

Well enough of that.

Pastel

So it's Sunday, about 10 minutes to 4pm.
The sun is shining brightly, but it's not hot. Hell, it's an incredibly beautiful day. Sky's bright blue...
and I can feel a cool breeze.

I want to get out there and do SOMETHING with anyone.
But as it so often happens, whenever I flip through my address book I realize...
I'm alone.
Yes, I know... I know... I sound like a fucking emo kid.

What do 'emo kids' have to be 'emo' about anyway?
Their parents won't give them more cash so they can get more ugly-looking 'emo stuff'?
Oh yes. Stuff like eyeliner, special hair gel, shoes... to achieve that 'emo look' that's OH-so-expensive to do.

Not to mention emo music which makes the sound of a thousand toddlers screaming angrily for more pudding seem like a work of pure genius.

If anyone has a right to be 'emo', it's middle-aged adults like me. No family, no friends. Dead-end job. Decaying body (oh come on, you KNOW it is!), and the list just keeps going on and on and on...
WE should be fucking 'emo'.
Plus, if nothing else, we can afford our own clothes, not like those little shits.

Great. I've just realized that my sentences now go on forever.
I used to value brevity. But my vocabulary's in a shambles right now.
I know basic words and how to string together a basic sentence.
No grace. Just crap.

OK fine. My style wasn't grateful to begin with.
Shut the fuck up.

It's going to be extremely hard getting back to the way I was.
Picture trying to grab a chicken high on ecstacy, then multiply it by a hundred.

But eh, I don't have much a choice now do I?

Well enough of that.

Fuck every single one of you.
Have a nice day!



Bitches.

Hamster Wheel

Barely got through the first week of training...
Not that it was hard or anything. Hell, we barely did anything at all.

The whole time, I was struggling not to fall back into my old self. Felt like I was watching the re-run of a
really bad movie.
The idiot struggled to keep himself from going on and on about meaningless shit...
from making lame-ass jokes only he could get...
from being an idiot, basically.
He failed. Not miserably, but yea...

Anyway, it takes me more than an hour to get there, and I'm supposed to arrive on the dot at 8am every morning.
Yep, definitely getting my ass fired soon.

Fell asleep at 2pm, and got up at 9pm. On a goddamn Saturday. I'd been playing Warcraft
the whole morning. Real fucking productive, I know.
I need to eat so I can work out in 2 hours. And right now, I can barely keep my eyes open.

The past couple of months, I've been tired all the damn time. Maybe I've lost the race.
Maybe I already have Diabetes. Eh, who gives a shit?
I got less than 2 years left. I can take it.

Fuck every single one of you.

Have a nice day!

Final Destination

First of all, I need to thank the ones who made the shitty series for making my title sound lame.
Thanks, douchebags.

Anyway, I'm now working at an MNC doing pretty much the same thing I did back at Acronis.
This will probably be my final 'proper' job. By that, I mean once I get my ass fired (pretty sure I will),
the only jobs I'll be able to get will likely be temporary ones.


I'm still missing prayers thanks to my anxiety problems (I'll talk about it later, curious jackass).
It bothers me. A lot. I still get tense when people make eye-contact as they're talking with me.
My neck stiffens especially when anyone talks with me and I'm seated.
I'm aware of it. I'm not nervous. But my body says otherwise. Motherfucker.

Still can't sleep well. And for some insane reason, I can't even string together coherent, grammatically-correct sentences when talking... without tripping up first. I'd think of a word, say it wrongly, then have to repeat it.
Nearly every single goddamn sentence. And I'd fucking KNOW how to say it. My tongue just won't comply.

Hopefully I'll be reading this at the end of my 2 years, and smile at how tough it was to overcome.
But right now I've got to actually DO IT.

Oh, and I fucking hate it there. Everyone's always smiling, asking each other how they're doing. Me included.
IF I WANTED CONSTANT ATTENTION, I'D BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF PEOPLE FOR IT.

Well enough of that.

Monday

Well I suspected when asked me to change my leave to the 1st and 2nd days of July.
And now on Monday, I've found that my access code no longer works.

Real subtle, assholes.

Oh well. I'm glad to get out of here anyway.

Fuck every single one of them

Have a nice day!