Changes Must Be Imposed

Less than a week before the Korea trip,

and our funds are running dangerously low. Again.

I can't fucking believe it. 

Yea sure, this month has been a little expense-crazy,

with payments due for insurance premiums, Zakat, income tax, the fucking art class. 

But if she hadn't continued to spend a fuckton of money AGAIN,

like she'd been doing for every month over the past fucking year, 

we wouldn't be in this situation. 

Either two or three months ago,

I specifically told her that we needed to cut back. 

We examined our spending,

and turns out she'd been overspending on little conveniences. 

Things like taxis almost every day, 

expensive vitamins that I've said I do not want, 

expensive food ingredients because she just felt like cooking unique things on that day.

Why can't we do shit like this in MODERATION. 

We're only a family of three,

and each month she spends more than my entire monthly salary 

back when I was in tech support. 

It is absolutely fucking insane. 

Like she doesn't get the concept of money no longer being there after you've spent it. 

She keeps doing it.

Non-stop.

Over and over and over and over and over again.

It's my fault as well. 

I should've been more firm, 

imposed proper controls ages ago. 

So this is on me. 

I can also see that I cannot rely on her to spend responsibly.

She is incapable of it. 

If I were to suddenly lose my job today (which has happened in the past),

there is a big chance we might go homeless. 

We're one moderate medical emergency from being financially ruined. 

I don't get what the fuck is wrong with her. 

Like she only thinks and cares about what happens in the fucking moment. 

Like she does not give a shit what happens to our daughter,

her mom,

me, 

even herself in the future. 

She wants to do something today.

So she'll do it,

regardless of the consequences of doing that exact thing. 

And now,

NOW our budget is shot to hell. 

How the fuck am I supposed to pay for the car rental in Korea?

We're gonna have to deal with the fucking slimy taxi drivers,

or squeeze with everyone on the trains and buses. 

Our daughter will be exhausted and I'll be frustrated.

And worse of all?

She'll be frustrated as well. 

And letting her know what got us to this point won't do a goddamn thing.

She'll forget.

And do it again.

And again.

I have to control how she spends our money now.

Was really hoping to avoid this.

Was desperately hoping that she could act responsibly. 

But nope. 

Now we can't give her mom any money when we leave.

What the fuck was the point of getting her the gold bar, then?

It was meant to be a present that was complemented by a thousand or two dollars

that I wanted to leave her. 

But we can't. 

So now it'll appear in poor taste,

since she herself is in a bad state and is worried about money. 

I cannot fucking believe I let myself reach this point. 

Should've stepped in sooner. 

Fuck. 

And what are we going to do in Korea anyway?

Just sit on our asses, that's what. 

Fuck it. 

I hate that our daughter will have to go through that, 

but even if my wife can't learn,

won't learn,

we still have to face the consequences. 

And once we're back in Singapore,

forget about getting cats, 

or a car,

or any other new thing. 

None of that. 

Not a single fucking thing. 

First, I'll lower the amount she gets for the food each month.

Then if she still runs out,

I will give her the money every week instead. 

If it still doesn't work,

I'll have to buy the groceries myself. 

She can share what she wants, 

and I can decide if we get it or not. 

And outside of work

and presents for friends birthdays (there's only three left in the year),

we won't spend a single extra fucking cent. 

I'm seriously considering not getting a single fucking thing 

for my sister's wedding. 

She'll complain of course.

Get upset. 

But I'll be damned if I allow her to

put us at risk of being homeless by catering to her whims every day. 

Fuck that shit. 

Man, I cannot believe I am earning the most I've ever earned in my life,

and above-average amount each month,

and yet it's being pissed away 

on shit that doesn't event last.

We're not even talking about expensive jewellery 

or clothes or things like that. 

Stupid little temporary things that

we can't even touch after a day or two. 

Like spending money on "premium air". 

And yea I know... I fucking know...

car rental,

taxis,

being able to fly to Korea...

all of those are luxuries. 

Fucked up thing is, 

we would absolutely be able to afford all that

and STILL save a lot. 

But she keeps spending and spending and spending. 

She cannot stop.

And I'm fucking tired of it. 

Exhausted. 

What the fuck is wrong with her?

Eh you know what?

Fuck it.

I've already got a plan,

so I just have to stick with it and hope it works. 

Fuck.

I was hoping to use the vacation to recharge,

take a proper break from work,

get back to where I was before the 3-year mad daily rush. 

But I can't now.

I fucking can't. 

I have to worry about money.

Because she had to have fucking fancy bread and expensive chicken

and other fucking expensive ingredients,

along with bullshit little things she orders from Amazon and Lazada and Shopee. 

No I cannot relax. 

I can't.

No, I have to slog through Korea first. 

Worry about how we're going to save money each fucking day during and after we've returned.

She'll probably say she cares,

but would use up our life savings in an instant if she were given the chance. 

Fuck this shit.

Let's get through it and see what happens. 

Well enough of that. 

Preventive Measures

She fucking did it again.

On the morning of Eid Fitri, 

I woke up to a charge of almost a hundred bucks on my credit card. 

Vitamins and shit including for me,

which I'd specifically told her not to get. 

And the weekend before,

she'd spent almost $200 on a trip to the movies with my daughter.

Motherfucker what the hell?

This was after we'd spent almost A THOUSAND BUCKS on 

my daughter's art class. 

We discussed this.

Agreed to cut down on the spending for this month. 

And one week later,

what the fuck does she do?

I don't know if it's apathy or narcissism or ignorance or something else. 

Words don't seem to work on her,

and I'm exhausted. 

I'll have to treat her like a little kid. 

She'll probably get upset about it,

won't understand why...

which, when you think about it, would be fucking ironic. 

I've told her already that she's not to use my card

for the rest of this month.

We've only got a week left, 

but we'll see. 

And if she pulls this kind of shit again,

especially within the month,

then I'll begin removing my credit card 

from one of her apps. 

And the time she does it after that?

Another app. 

Until there's none left,

not even for cabs. 

I was really hoping to avoid this shit. 

Once you cross this line,

it's hard to go back, you know?

But she does not seem to grasp the importance of saving,

or spending within your means,

or hell, 

even the fact that once you spend money,

guess what??

IT'S GONE.

MONEY SPENT. THEN NO MORE MONEY. 

Fucking hell. 

It always vexed me to not figure out the next steps. 

And when I did,

made me concerned about the long-term implications. 

But looks like I've got little choice.

Words don't work.

Agreements don't work. 

If I don't stop this,

if an emergency happens,

we'd be in deep trouble. 

I'm earning the most I've ever earned in my life...

and we're practically living paycheck to paycheck. 

It's fucking insanity. 

She doesn't even have any savings. 

None.

What the fuck is this obsession with emptying 

her goddamn bank account every month?

Anyway, 

this is what needs to happen. 

Fuck. 

Well enough of that. 

Over and Done With

Well this fucking sucks. 

I'm struggling to find the words, 

to get through how severely pissed off I am,

how annoying it is, 

how depressing it is. 

Ah fuck it, 

I'll just come out and say it. 

I won't be renting a car in Korea. 

Yep. 

That's it, yes!

That's what I'm bitching about, you're goddamn right. 

I'm going to be 42, soon.

I'll probably never get a car.

Probably never drive properly again.

Oh yes,

maybe I'll get to try on occasion.

Like a fucking child gets an ice-cream cone from time to time. 

I'm not gonna go over this whole thing in detail again,

about how expensive and time-consuming it is to get a motherfucking license in Singapore,

and about how my siblings flat out refused to teach me,

even back when we had a car to use... nope!

They managed to get theirs.

They made it, you see.

So fuck me. 

Finally managed to get it on my own just a few years ago.

They don't know and I don't want them to fucking know.

You know I'd even thought that if I ever get a car,

and they find out,

I'd never let them board it. 

Yea they're family,

and I'll help in other ways. 

But not for this. 

And then came the time to plan for the post-Covid Korea trip.

Hadn't seen the mother-in-law in almost five years?

Man, despite my wife spending money like fish drink water,

I managed to be disciplined enough to save up for not only the trip, 

but also to rent a car for maybe two or three weeks. 

Planned for months. 

Plus, I really fucking hate dealing with greedy-ass, asshole Korean taxi drivers. 

Part of my plan was to also give money to the mother-in-law. 

Of course. 

We have to look after her.

Hell I'd even offered to provide a monthly allowance, which she'd turned down. 

For this trip, 

I was planning to set aside a decent amount for her. 

But for months now.

For fucking months, 

both she and the wife have repeatedly intoned that 

"You don't need to rent a car."

First of all, 

we're going to be there for around 20 days. 

So there will be situations where we won't be able to get a cab,

get ripped off if we do get one,

and unable to take public transport (especially if it's raining and during rush hour). 

Nope. 

Despite my insistence, they kept at it. 

She knew how important this was to me.

She fucking knew it. 

And they both kept repeating it over and over and over again.

I mean, FUCK. 

WHY. 

I work hard for our money.

Why the fuck can't I have this one thing.

Motherfucker, 

I always try to be supportive of their decisions. 

Even when I disagree, 

I won't imply that they're fucking stupid for wanting to do whatever it is that they want. 

But that doesn't apply to me, I guess. 

Fuck me. 

The fucking idiot who wants to waste money.

Never mind that she herself takes cabs in Singapore regularly. 

Never mind the fact that sometimes, 

we get stuck somewhere really inconvenient

because either the fare goes up to astronomical levels,

or cabs just aren't around. 

There will be some mountains we won't be able to explore, in Korea.

Some areas that will be off-limits,

because I just fucking know how difficult it will be to not only get there without a car,

but to get back as well,

and I'll be damned if I'll put our daughter in that situation. 

I actually snapped at one point,

and told her that I'm willing to lose a few hundred bucks to just cancel the trip.

We could go somewhere else.

Either that or I rent the car,

and she and her mom can take a taxi separately.

I'll pay for the fucking thing.

Even the scamming assholes that want to overcharge. 

I'll pay for all that shit. 

And I'll head to the same spot myself in the car.

Of course, OF COURSE she refuses. 

And later,

she came over and said that we could rent a car if I really wanted to. 

FUCK THAT. 

What are my options, really?

To rent a car anyway? As a fucking consolation? 

Despite their telling me repeatedly not to?

Like I'm a fucking kid that was just given permission,

since I was so stubborn and throwing a temper tantrum?

Is that it?

Had to drag them along, 

kicking and screaming?

Oh yea, 

fantastic. 

Like holding an event where people HAD to attend,

groaning the whole time. 

Man was I a fucking dumbass. 

I even planned on sending the mother-in-law to work each early morning. 

Was hoping her colleagues would see her being dropped off,

so it'd raise her status somewhat. 

No need, you moron.

Just spend the money on us. Give us the money. 

You just shut the fuck up. 

And what's the other option?

Once again delay any driving experience I could get,

and yep, 

deal with the fucking taxi drivers 

and other inconvenient transport-related bullshit that we'll undoubtedly come across. 

So I gave in.

I told her fuck it then, 

I won't rent a car. 

Literally said "You guys get what you want."

And that was good enough for her!

Oh man she was happy now. 

Fuck me and what I want.

We'll just go along with whatever the fuck they want to do.

Man, 

if it weren't for my daughter,

who's really looking forward to her first ever proper trip,

which she'll be able to share with her friends...

My response would have been vastly different. 

And somehow, 

I don't think she understands just how different it would have been. 

Even with that in mind,

I've been spending hour after hour today 

oscillating between depression and rage. 

Fuck them. 

Several years later,

scrimping and saving (despite her constant overspending), 

without taking proper leave from work...

And this is what I get?

THIS?

I'm seeing this as an absolute burden. 

Can't wait to get this shit over and done with. 

I'll try to keep up an enthusiastic facade for my daughter,

but I don't foresee us going back to Korea any time soon. 

What a waste of time and money it's going to be. 

Hell, I might even work there instead of going on leave. 

Best to save it up for when I'll be able to spend time along at home in motherfucking Singapore. 

Yep. 

The sooner this is over and done with, the better. 

Well enough of that. 

Not Quite Full-Blown Narcissists

So this is going to be short.

I'm exhausted, man. Perpetually.

Maybe I'm depressed and just don't realise it.

Hell, there's a lot to be depressed about!

From the economic crisis (come on, let the financial crisis begin properly, you greedy fucks!),

including the market crashes, 

to my being tired all the time,

to hell, even my tummy being large again as I struggle to bulk up on muscle

whilst losing fat at the same time.

Worst of all,

I feel like I'm failing my family from a religious standpoint as well. 

Haven't been praying.

And Ramadhan has returned. 

Hopefully I'll be able to kickstart praying regularly again during this month. 

Oh yea, 

almost forgot the reason for the title in the first place.

I've got a client who became a friend,

to the point where we'd visit each other's families and homes.

But over time, 

I tolerate a lot of shit...

Like always making the choice to meet with them 

in the East, 

even though I live far in the West and do not have a car. 

But hey, even though he's a friend,

he's also a client

so I was able to claim for the transportation and meal costs and eh,

when you think of it as work as well,

it doesn't seem so bad. 

Problem started when we'd introduced our families to each other.

He and his wife have got two adorable kids,

who really got along well with my daughter at a time when it was hard for her to make friends. 

They've got a pool at their house, too.

So the kids would really have a ton of fun together whenever they hung out there.

Over time, it became clear that it was always going to be us hanging out over there.

Never at our place. 

Never nearby. 

And yea fine,

I did ask if it was OK,

I'd explained how tough it was for my daughter to make friends...

Man, I thought we'd become close friends. 

Now I can accept constant last-minute cancellations on our individual meet-ups. 

But to cancel on my daughter?

More than once, if I recall. 

Without even bothering to reschedule?

Na man. Fuck that. 

Man she's at the age where she understands rejection. 

I'm really glad she's made a lot of other friends since we last met them, 

so she doesn't feel as alone as she used to. 

I sure as hell am not going to expose her to them again. 

So anyway, 

he's constantly cancelling meet-ups even with another friend of ours. 

We were pretty sick and tired of it,

but had to meet one more time because we'd bought a present for his kid's birthday...

and it was now what, one month? Two? 

Where we hadn't had the chance to pass it to him. 

So fine, 

we started ignoring him in the group chat,

and in the end, 

he seemed to realise something was off,

and we ended up scheduling the dinner tonight.

AT HIS FUCKING PLACE.

AGAIN. 

5PM.

And he and his wife had the fucking nerve 

to try and get me to bring my wife and daughter. 

I declined to bring them,

but figured it'd be good to maybe have one last dinner, you know?

And although he's technically no longer a client,

his new company might need something, so why not?

But just like an hour ago,

his wife actually texted my wife separately,

lamenting how she wished they could come along. 

Un-fuckin-believable. 

Never mind the fact that it's a fucking SUNDAY,

and that my daughter would have to get up early the next morning for school.

OK I gotta calm down a bit. 

Now I don't think they're bad people per se. 

Hell, I don't even think they're full-blown narcissists. 

People SHOULD put their families first. 

But there's no need to treat others like crap, 

and when all the activities revolve around only what's convenient for you...

then it makes you kind of a dick. 

Personally, I don't mind hanging out alone with them.

He was a great client and very helpful. 

But as a friend, 

I'll have to keep my distance for now. 

Maybe he and his wife will change in the future,

but for now I can't take that risk with my daughter. 

Well enough of that.