No Safe Ground

This is going to be a short one,
and I've got a few thoughts swirling around in my head right now.
It feels like I'm trying to catch ghost fish or something.

Where to begin?
Oh yea, why not with white privilege?
And in Singapore's case, Chinese privilege as well.

I swear man,
for the ones in denial about its existence,
even if every single one of them were never arrested, accosted, discriminated against
based on the colour of their skin, checked by security at airports and all the other things
that minorities have to deal with on a much more frequent basis,
if you happened to come across a story in a remote corner of the world where a white girl
was briefly mistaken by the police to be brown or something and then let go immediately
once the officers realized the mistake they'd made...
All those people would be frothing at the mouth,
jumping up and down like enraged apes
claiming that "If white privilege exists, THEN WHY WAS SHE STOPPED??"

You can roll out as many statistics and facts as you want,
and they don't seem to be interested.
Nope.
So long as 100% of them don't get what they perceive to be
100% of the privileges in their imaginary list...
then they'll continue denying the very existence of white privilege.

The arguments tend to go nowhere.
So when I decide to engage,
it's less to convince them,
but to convince whoever is watching.

When you see the repeated denials,
the deflections,
and downright lies,
then hopefully you'll at the very least decide to investigate for yourself.

Well enough of that.

In a Rut

It's been a while,
and I feel it, I really do.
Even that tiny sentence
made me struggle,
and I gave up on trying to describe just how the feeling is
the way I originally wanted to.

And that's not the only thing.

Maybe its the weather,
or the realization about just how far I am from
making the first sale of both fish and software,
but the motivation is just not there.
I feel like going back home,
and setting up the ol' Xbox and just playing and doing nothing.
But that'd probably end up making me depressed,
the way the lack of money with a family to support tends to.

I'm still pretty far off when it comes to my fitness goals as well.
And I've realized that the weight needs to come off.
Bulking can come later.
But it'll never really come without my being able to sleep
peacefully without a fucking blocked nose and snoring so loudly that I wake myself up.

The way out is clear,
from where I stand.

Quit wasting time on Youtube.
Don't run away from the problems you've got to solve.
And for fuck's sake,
quit blaming other people for your own procrastination.

The time is now.
Now.
Now.

It's hard to drag yourself out of the mud.
O GOD, it really is.

But I've got to.

Oh yea and almost forgot.
I should start keeping a physical diary.
One day all this will be gone.
Paper will (hopefully) last longer.
And while I'm mainly looking to keep this for my daughter,
for her to know who I really am... warts and all.
But it'd be nice to have something our grandkids could read.
I wish my grandparents had kept diaries, too.
Or maybe they did,
and I've got no idea.

Time to get to it.

Well enough of that.

Privilege

This won't be a long post.
I'm probably coming down with something.
Couldn't even get to 54 push-ups in the 2nd round,
despite resting for more than 30 seconds.
Goddamn.
This day is not starting off well.

There are a number of deals which
should have already been closed,
and I've got so many calls to make,
but can't even motivate myself to read the emails.
Oh yea, and I've got to delay a meeting with a really nice client
for a demo session.

On top of all of that,
I've yet to practise my Russian,
and hell, haven't even finished a single Russian alphabet poster.

I almost feel like I'm drowning.
But we need the apartment,
not just to improve the relationship with my mom,
but also for our sanity.
The Littlest Dictator will need her own space.
And she'll need safety,
and seems increasingly clear to me
that the only true safe place is in wealth.
Massive amounts of wealth.

You can be black or brown and nobody
fucks with you if you're filthy rich.
It's a fucked up world, sure.
But it's the one we're in.

Which brings me to something
that's been annoying - almost infuriating - me
the past couple of days.

Fucking White people who deny the existence
of White Privilege,
simply because some they and some other White people
don't get just... everything. 

Like the fucking arguments these cocksuckers
put forth after the tragic shooting in Las Vegas.
Journalist Shaun King correctly pointed out
how the terms used to describe the shooter
and other similar White shooters are vastly different
from how non-White shooters described.

They are portrayed as lone wolves,
or mentally-ill, or something else
that always puts emphasis on how
their behaviour is not "normal",
about how this is not how most White people act or think.

Basically White people as a group are not responsible.
Which of course is the way it should be.

But if the shooter were Black or Muslim then holy crap!
Even if you're hundreds of miles away and have nothing
at all to do with that, if you're a person of colour,
you better watch your back,
especially if most of the victims were White.

Entire communities get blamed.
Something must be wrong with "their culture", you see.
Therefore, something must be done about "them".

No White person needs to look
over their shoulder after reading the news about the shooting,
other than maybe to look out for other White shooters.

No fear of retaliation,
or discrimination.

Nope.
You mourn (maybe),
then move on.

But according to the racist dumb fucks
who claim there is no such thing as "White Privilege",
the fact that White people were also amongst the victims
proves that it doesn't exist.

How fucking crazy/stupid is that?
Let's break it down to something simple.

Let's say you're boarding an airplane.
And without paying extra,
you get to choose your seat before anyone else,
get free meals and other little perks
that others do not have access to.

And you got to pay for your ticket
at a lower amount that everyone else.

But because you had to pay at all,
you start exclaiming that you've got
zero privileges.

People would rightfully point out
how fucking stupid and delusional you are.

Just you because you don't get fucking everything
doesn't mean you don't have any privileges.

Oh, and this applies to "Chinese Privilege" in Singapore as well.
And you encounter the same exact stupidity and racism and ignorance as well.

Fucking racists.

Well enough of that.

The Rush

It's October,
and I've got only a short window of time
to raise the amount I need for the down payment
of the types of apartments I'd like to get.

I mean yea sure,
I can always go with an HDB,
and get stuck with it for 5 goddamn years,
even if I lose my job or face any other type of financial difficulty.
Can't lease it out,
not the whole thing anyway.
There's probably now a restriction on leasing out the rooms
without your actually residing in the apartment as well.

Well technically,
I won't be completely stuck with it.
Oh no.
If things really get bad,
I can always sell it back to HDB... likely at a loss.
If they even allow you to offload it in the first place.

Oh, and of course,
during that whole time,
we'll have to endure the fucking joss paper burnings.
The smoke clogging the air,
the stench entering your home even with closed windows.
And if you're really unlucky,
you could be surrounded by
several families that burn on a regular fucking basis.

Religious freedom my ass.
I swear if you start making them responsible
for the clean-up and to take out insurance to cover
any fire or property damage cause by their burnings,
then I can guarantee you that the air would clean up in a hurry.

Find some way to hold them responsible.

But nope.
I've learned that "religious freedom"
here basically means that the majority get
to impose themselves and their practices upon the minorities.

Sure, from time to time
the authorities will crack down on
super fucking obvious racism on curbs
on religious freedom.
Ever heard of the Westboro Baptist Church?
Yea, it's really easy to oppose those assholes.
But the more subtle forms of racism?
Nah.
Privilege must be preserved, you see.

So yea, here I am.
Trying to find a way to find other ways to raise money,
to get the down payment covered.

I'm dealing with a goddamn idiot,
a big talker who
doesn't use email unless it's a deal is close to completion.
What a fucking dumbass.

Well enough of that.