It's 12.21am, and I am fucking exhausted.
Not just from work,
I'm fucking exhausted and pissed.
And it is incredibly hard right now to put all the thoughts and emotions into words.
That's how bad it is.
It's reached the point where,
just to release a bit of tension,
my fist goes up to my face, and smashed into it.
Just the past hour alone it's happened several times.
I need sex and sleep.
Badly.
I can only get the latter,
but hey, I'll fucking take what I can fucking get.
So I'll try and keep this shorter than usual.
My wife. The love of my life.
Can sometimes act like a goddamn idiot.
She's not stupid.
In fact, I think she's pretty smart and insightful.
But when she's exhausted and frustrated,
a side of her emerges, and takes over.
The side that doesn't fully grasp the concept of time,
that doesn't give a shit about how others around her have helped her,
and continue to help her with all kinds of stuff.
The side that also doesn't fully understand how money works.
Nope.
I choose to work from home for several reasons.
Convenience is one.
To save money is another (for us, not just myself).
And also to help out a little bit more.
But nope.
All she sees is her struggle with
juggling baby with housework and a side gig we have going on,
managing an Airbnb listing that's based in Busan (I do most of the work).
The many times I help to look after the baby,
disrupting my day job (the one that actually pays the goddamn motherfucking bills),
sometimes for a few minutes, sometimes for an hour or more...
Turn into accusations of spending only several minutes with the baby,
You know, doing fuck-all when it comes to helping her.
Putting the aside the fact that she doesn't help me with my work, now does she?
Nope.
It's a one-way fucking street.
And, whenever I take a short break from work,
like watching a video or just resting on the couch,
she accuses me of not working;
It started out as jokes... gentle chiding.
Not anymore.
Now it';s just straight up accusations of not working.
I mean, what in the flying fuck?
She's worse that my idiot director.
I do this all the time at work in the office
to recharge my brain.
It's how I perform.
Sometimes I need a break to figure out how to
solve a particularly complex problem with a client or prospect.
Motherfucker. WHY DO I EVEN NEED TO GIVE A FUCKING REASON?
If I were in the office,
she wouldn't see me at all.
I wouldn't be here to help look after the baby while she showers,
or does the laundry, etc.
I appreciate the stuff she does.
I do.
But how about acknowledging my contribution, goddammit?
Instead I get her ignorant judgment on how I work.
Oh, and by the way,
thanks to the constant interruptions,
my performance is suffering.
And it could affect my full-time gig.
The one that enables me to put FOOD ON THE FUCKING TABLE.
I've tried to explain it to her many, many times.
Oh she'll say she gets it.
Well actually sometimes she says that.
Others, well, she rolls her eyes, and gives sarcastic comments like 'Go, go and work!',
making it sound like I don't give a shit about my wife and child.
What a peach, right?
While I'm trying to do all this,
from time to time,
she'll bring up the topic of getting our own apartment.
YOU CAN'T EVEN HANDLE THE BABY ON YOUR OWN EVEN WITH MY MOTHER'S HELP.
And she doesn't seem to grasp that the constant interruptions are affecting my performance.
Nope.
She wants things that cost a shitload of money.
But doesn't want to put in the effort,
or hell,
even acknowledge the effort it would take to make that amount.
Nope.
She just wants it.
When I think up additional ideas to our Bed and Breakfast in Busan,
like supplying halal meat to the Muslim stores there,
she rubbishes the idea.
Even with my two jobs,
it'll be a LONG time before I'm able to come up with the amount we need.
And does she come up with any suggestions?
NOPE.
Just shoots down idea after idea,
without giving suggestions of her own.
I manage our listing,
but little, inconsequential things...
things you couldn't avoid running a business...
send her into a tizzy.
Yea, her lack of rest is a factor in it.
But it doesn't make it any easier for me to deal with it.
When I make suggestions for her to rest,
like napping when the baby is napping...
she doesn't do it.
All kinds of excuses come up.
And then she struggles with accepting, let alone dealing with the consequences of her choices.
Holy shit.
Just sleep longer.
There's no need to fucking get up,
every time the baby moves around in her sleep.
THE BABY WILL CRY WHEN SHE'S REALLY HUNGRY OR UPSET.
Instead of being a motherfucking sentinel that watches over her 24x7,
how about getting some MUCH-NEEDED REST?
You ever think of that?
FUCKING HELL.
I could go into the suggestions I'd given her,
the strategies she should've implemented to deal with our baby.
Things that, because she DIDN'T do,
result in the issues we both face now.
Some of these issues can be fixed,
but require weeks of commitment.
She can't commit to a two days, let alone weeks.
Two days, and she complains about the lack of change.
I can't even, man.
How the hell do you deal with someone like that?
I'm tired now.
Exhausted. Severely pissed off.
But it's good to write all this shit down.
Heh. It's probably barely coherent. Fuck it..
Well enough of that.
