Fuck, Fuck, Fuck

It's 12.21am, and I am fucking exhausted.
Not just from work,
I'm fucking exhausted and pissed.

And it is incredibly hard right now to put all the thoughts and emotions into words.
That's how bad it is.
It's reached the point  where,
just to release a bit of tension,
my fist goes up to my face, and smashed  into it.
Just the past hour alone it's happened several times.

I need sex and  sleep.
Badly.
I can only get the  latter,
but hey, I'll fucking  take what I can fucking get.

So I'll try and keep this  shorter than  usual.

My wife. The love of  my life.
Can sometimes act like a goddamn idiot.
She's not stupid.
In fact, I think  she's pretty smart and  insightful.

But when she's exhausted and frustrated,
a side of her emerges, and  takes over.

The side that doesn't fully grasp the concept of time,
that doesn't give a shit about how others around her  have helped her,
and continue  to help her with all kinds of stuff.

The side that also doesn't fully understand  how money works.

Nope.

I choose  to  work from home for several reasons.
Convenience is  one.
To  save  money is another (for  us, not  just myself).
And also to help out a little bit more.

But nope.
All she  sees is her struggle with
juggling baby with  housework and a side  gig we have going  on,
managing an Airbnb  listing that's based in Busan (I do most of the work).

The many times I help to look after the baby,
disrupting my day job (the one  that  actually pays  the  goddamn motherfucking bills),
sometimes  for a few minutes, sometimes for an hour  or  more...

Turn into accusations of  spending only several minutes  with the  baby,
You  know, doing  fuck-all when it  comes to helping  her.
Putting the aside the fact that she doesn't help me with my work, now does she?
Nope.
It's a one-way fucking street.

And, whenever I take a short break from work,
like watching a video or just resting on the couch,
she accuses me of not working;
It started out as jokes... gentle chiding.
Not anymore.
Now it';s just straight up accusations of not working.

I mean, what in the flying fuck?
She's worse that my idiot  director.

I do this all the time at work in the office
to recharge my brain.
It's how I perform.
Sometimes I need a break to figure out how to
solve a particularly complex problem with a client or prospect.

Motherfucker. WHY DO I EVEN  NEED TO GIVE A FUCKING REASON?

If I were in the office,
she wouldn't see me at all.
I wouldn't be here to help look after the baby while she  showers,
or does the  laundry, etc.

I appreciate the  stuff she does.
I  do.
But  how about acknowledging my contribution, goddammit?

Instead I get her ignorant judgment on how I work.

Oh, and by the  way,
thanks to the constant  interruptions,
my performance is suffering.

And it could affect my full-time gig.
The one that enables me to put  FOOD ON THE  FUCKING TABLE.

I've tried to explain it to her many, many times.
Oh she'll say she gets it.
Well actually sometimes she  says that.
Others, well, she rolls her  eyes, and gives sarcastic comments like 'Go, go and work!',
making it sound like  I don't give a shit about my wife and child.

What a peach, right?

While I'm trying to do all this,
from time to time,
she'll bring up the topic of getting our own apartment.

YOU CAN'T EVEN HANDLE THE  BABY  ON  YOUR OWN EVEN  WITH MY MOTHER'S HELP.

And she  doesn't seem to grasp that  the  constant  interruptions are  affecting my performance.
Nope.

She wants things  that  cost a shitload of money.
But doesn't want to put  in the effort,
or hell,
even acknowledge the  effort it would take to make that amount.

Nope.
She just wants it.

When I think  up additional ideas to our Bed and Breakfast in Busan,
like supplying halal meat to the  Muslim stores there,
she  rubbishes the idea.

Even with my two jobs,
it'll be  a LONG time  before I'm able to come up  with the  amount we need.

And does she  come up with  any suggestions?
NOPE.

Just  shoots  down idea after idea,
without giving  suggestions of her own.

I manage our listing,
but little, inconsequential things...
things you couldn't avoid running a business...
send her  into a tizzy.

Yea, her  lack of rest is a factor in it.
But it doesn't make it any easier for me to deal with it.

When I make suggestions for her  to rest,
like napping when the baby  is napping...
she  doesn't do it.
All kinds of excuses come up.

And then she struggles with accepting, let alone  dealing with the  consequences of her  choices.

Holy shit.
Just sleep longer.
There's no need to fucking  get up,
every  time  the  baby moves around  in  her  sleep.

THE  BABY WILL CRY  WHEN  SHE'S REALLY HUNGRY OR  UPSET.

Instead of being a motherfucking sentinel that  watches over her  24x7,
how  about getting some MUCH-NEEDED  REST?
You ever  think of that?
FUCKING HELL.

I could go into the suggestions  I'd given her,
the strategies she should've implemented to deal with  our baby.

Things that, because  she DIDN'T do,
result in the issues we both  face now.

Some of these issues  can  be  fixed,
but require weeks of commitment.
She can't commit to a two days, let alone weeks.

Two days, and she  complains about  the lack of change.
I can't even, man.
How the hell do you deal with  someone  like that?

I'm tired now.
Exhausted. Severely pissed off.

But it's good to write all this  shit down.
Heh. It's probably barely coherent. Fuck it..

Well enough of that.

Gears moving so fast that you can see smoke

It's Wednesday about 12pm,
and soon I will have to head to the office,
thanks a goddamn idiot bitch.

He's not  my bitch, though.
He's the director's bitch.
Bit hard  to respect someone so subservient,
so afraid of another  human being.
I get it, you want  to keep your job.
I get it.
But his conduct  goes  way beyond the necessary.
He  basically prostrates  himself at the  feet  of that  cunt,
while occasionally bad-mouthing him (does it  make him  feel brave?)
behind  his back.

Man, I've got so much  to do,
so much to  be  thankful  for.
And anytime now I feel like  I'm going to trip up and  fail everybody.

Setting  up the first  Halal Homestay  (as far  as I'm aware) in  Busan,
and everything  that comes  with  it,
from research,
to  establishing  partnerships,
to getting the appropriate-sized photos for the  Airbnb listing.

And then there's the business of selling Agabang products
that I need  to set up as well.

Oh yes,
and my attempt at selling  Outbox  Pro to Pitney Bowes.

And lastly, trying to  make my tenure at Pitney Bowes  last  as long as possible.
I'd say I have a month, maybe two left.
But if I can put together a decent plan  and make a few sales  in the  meantime,
I might  be  able to  last  a bit longer.
That would be really good.
The income is badly  needed at this  stage,
though  hopefully not  as much in 6 months!

I'm hungry, I'm nervous.
And  I'm also excited.

Time  to get  crackin'

Well enough of that.

Thursday Morning

Best. Title. Ever.
I need to write more. More stories.
And I need to shift my focus towards humour.
So much shit has been happening lately, man.
So much.
I feel so very tired.
Like, down-to-the-bone tired,
despite downing two cups of coffee for the pre-dawn meal about 3 hours ago.

I'm working on a LinkedIn post,
about small businesses and location intelligence.
And it is taking way, waaaay too long.
The research part is probably what's holding me back.
Free data?
OK just took a second to Google it.
Meh. I suppose a single example within Singapore ought to do it.

Later today,
I'll have to attend a lunch event held by IBM.
There'll be great networking opportunities.
Except, I won't be eating or drinking.
But it's cool, though. I've got a plan.
Instead of walking up to strangers who are having lunch,
with nothing but air in my hands,
like I'm a little off and just wandered in from the streets looking to talk to random strangers,
I'll be holding a... wait for it... wait  for  it... an empty  coffee cup!!!
Oh yes.
I know... I know... brilliant plan.
It'll look like I'm either having coffee (or tea)(or coke)(or whatever),
or I've just finished my drink.

Man, I need this to go well.
Especially after pissing off the IT guy at  MOM,
even though I'd checked with him first if it's OK  for me  to approach the end-users to get their feedback.

Nooooo!
When they begin checking in with him,
suddenly this  asshole starts getting annoyed,
and gives me a call and rudely  tells me to stop,
after implying that he expected me to approach only one or two people.

Seriously?
You're looking at an enterprise GIS,
and wanted to ensure that it would be widely adopted.

If you'd wanted me to just speak with two people...
YOU SHOULD HAVE TOLD ME SO.
Not just when it  became inconvenient for your lazy ass.

Anyway, the baby' back from her walk,
and I've got a ton of  shit to get  done before the event.

Feels like I need to climb a mountain at  top speed,
while wearing a heavy  backpack containing two billy goats,
a bowling ball,
and 9 munchkins.

It's going to be an exhausting climb.


Well enough of  that.