On the Road

I only have 10 minutes (maybe less),
and Windows seems determined to fuck it up for me so my whole day
can continue to feel shitty.

About an hour ago, or maybe two,
I read about an article about the things happy couples do (shut up).

One of those things was giving at least two 20-second hugs a day.
And you know what occurred to me?
I didn't want to do it.
Didn't feel like it.

Even kissing her on the lips feels almost forced.

Now don't get me wrong,
I don't hate her.
But for the first time,
I could see us splitting up and just being... friends.
Scares me a little.
But gave me a bit of relief as well.

As friends,
we can still raise our daughter.
She'll still experience the love of two parents.

So why am I feeling this way?
I'm tired, man.

Tired of always initiating sex,
tired of always making the move to enhance intimacy.

Tired of putting on that fake smile whenever shes asks if I'm
OK with the lack of sex,
whenever there's a drought (which seem to get longer and longer and longer each damn time).

I have to give a fake smile,
because saying it's NOT OK will lead to an argument
about how the atmosphere isn't right,
she just doesn't feel like it, etc.

That question is not to see if I'm OK.
It's to make herself feel better about withholding sex.
And when I don't reaffirm that,
apparently I become the asshole.

I can't remember the last time we had sex.
It seems like as soon as she knew she was pregnant,
as soon as she knew she's got what she wanted,
that was it.

I've had enough of this shit.
But I'll need to time it properly.

Can't split now,
with a newborn,
in a country far away from her family and friends.

When we finally manage to return to Korea,
that's when I'll put the wheels into motion.

Maybe things will change before then.
Maybe.
But after two years, I don't see that happening.

I can cheer up though.
We have a beautiful, smart baby girl.

And this also gives me the time to get back in shape both mentally and physically.
Once the door opens,
I'll be in the best condition I can be to get back on track.

Well enough of that.

Sydney Hostage Crisis

It was around mid-afternoon when it appeared in my Facebook feed:

An armed group had taken people hostage in a Sydney cafe.

Reminds me of when I first heard about 9-11,

when I was working out in a gym.

This is not a disclaimer.

I truly hope those held hostage are released and get to go home to their families.

So many emotions running through me right now.

Unlike when I first heard about 9-11,

I had no idea what the repercussions were going to be for innocent Muslims.

Now I do.

Man, I'm so skeptical that I wouldn't be surprised if decades later

we found out that it was a false flag operation.

I mean, how convenient for the current Australian government, eh?

Month after month of drumming up fear and hatred of 'those scary Muslims' 

to justify expansive, more invasive laws for 'security'.

And suddenly this happen?

I mean, what is the upside for the hostage-takers, really?

The rabid bigots will foam at the mouth screaming that all they care about is 

sowing 'terror'.

Right.

But for the Aussie government, hoo boy!

Just what they needed, man.

Who's going to stop them from passing the laws now?

And the bigots who were apprehensive about revealing their true nature

can now bask in self-righteousness in condemning 

an entire group of people,

most of whom just want to go to a cafe,

eat at a restaurant,

send their kids to school...

I've already come across so many comments

talking about 'Savage Muslims' against the 'Civilized West'.

Never mind the fact that Muslims in the West are part of their so-called 'Civilized West'.

Never mind the fact that so-called Western countries have been waging incredibly destructive wars

in predominantly Muslim countries decade after decade after decade.

Your cafe is being attacked?

They get attacked in their homes. Captured and tortured while on the way to buy bread.

War is being waged upon them.

Are people really so fucking dense to think that the war will remain firmly within the victims' borders?

I'm tired of formulating logical arguments against these motherfucking bigots.

These are the ones who are willfully blind.

They need to see 'the others' as different from who they are.

The lies they tell themselves as they chant repeatedly in their thick skulls "We are good, we are good!"

No. You're fucking evil.

This incident just drives home the point for me:

Get enough money to retire somewhere quiet, out of the way.

My little girl does not need to hear cowardly grown men shouting at her

for being what she is: A Muslim.

We will live in the countryside, 

on a farm with maybe a few goats or sheep. A few chickens maybe. Ponies too, maybe.

Yea that would be nice.