Precautions

I see the signs.
Some of which are so obvious,
that it's like they're screaming out at me.

The ones that men say they saw early on but ignored.
Or the ones that they tried to counter, but failed.
The men who have gone through the pain of divorce,
of losing their kids.

Some were lucky.
Got out without kids.
Not because they wouldn't have loved them,
but because they don't have to experience
the incredible sorrow that can only
come when kids are used as tools to hurt you.

Some weren't lucky. Aren't lucky.
Some realized too late.
And some stayed on,
wallowing in misery... for the kids.
Won't that misery affect the kids too?
I don't know.
They thought it was best at the time.
And besides,
if you're a guy in Singapore
or any other country in the 'West' (meh, probably anywhere in the world),
the chances of getting custody of your kids,
are slim.

Joint custody, sure.
Maybe twice a month.
Maybe.
And even then,
if she restricts your access,
too fucking bad.
Keeping paying child support and maintenance (Singapore).
Whether you get to see your kids or not is a different story.

So yeah.
The signs.

She wanted a child,
even though we'd agreed to wait until we after we'd got an apartment.
I mean, I knew what could happen of course.
Unprotected sex.
Sure.

But it just hit me.
After she knew she was pregnant,
we haven't had any sex.
None.
We almost tried once.
Didn't work out.

It's just oral sex.
And I could sense the reluctance.
Faint, but still there.

This is just the latest sign.
There are many others,
but for the life of me my mind has just went blank.
Maybe it's the fatigue.

Or maybe I'm just paranoid.
I remembered them just a few moments ago,
on the way back from the store.

Or maybe the (probably inevitable) scenario
of hot having any kind of sex for years,
while staying for our kid
has thrown me off course.

No. I will not.
I will not be miserable.

Maybe she's doing it without realizing it.
Maybe she does know exactly what she's doing.

Doesn't matter.
I will not be trapped in a miserable marriage.
I will not.

Doesn't mean I have to start getting out,
trying to get with other women.
Doesn't mean I need to start treating her like crap,
being rude or distant.
No.

It just means I need to be aware and take precautions.
Keep fit.
Become attractive.
Re-learn those skills, and sharpen them from time to time.

Be in a position where,
IF it does happen,
I'll be in a decent enough position to weather the storm.

Maybe I'm paranoid,
and reading too much into nothing.

But the signs are there.
Maybe the storm will change course and avoid us.

But it's always better to be prepared.

The first thing to focus on is to get fit.
Get that physique I want. I need.

Well enough of that.

On the Precipice

Man, I really need to reduce these gaps between posts.
It's been a while, and as is usually the case,
things are not quite peachy.

I originally wanted to post about racism in Singapore.
Specifically, Chinese racism towards minorities.
Once again, as I face the spectre of unemployment,
the lack of interview offers has reminded me of just how bad it still can get
here in this shit country.

When a Chinese ex-colleague who is less-qualified
and less experienced is able to jump back and forth between jobs,
and has no problems getting interviews for superior jobs,
then you know something is still the fuck up.

I'm officially a director now. And I can't even get a motherfucking interview.

Yeah, maybe it's not about race each and every time.
But think about it this way: If you happen to be Chinese,
you don't need to worry about it.

If you didn't get the job, it's likely someone more suitable for the role did.
Unless that person happens to be White,
which is a whole other story.

And if you happen to be a Chinese Singaporean who is upset about losing out
to a lesser-experienced White person,
then to you I say this:

HOW DOES IT FEEL, BITCH?

Now I do understand that this will just appear
to you as more whining,
and I agree with you.
Completely.

Now go fuck yourself with a flaming chainsaw.

There's so much more I'd like to write,
but the office is not exactly the most conducive of places.

And my mind feels... blank.

Well enough of that.