Back In The Gulag- Er, I mean Office

Ok, ok... 

a little too dramatic.

Hell, the office is a pretty nice place compared to a gulag.

I'm pretty sure.

Like, 70% sure.

Ahh... what the fuck am I bitching about.

Sheesh.

Just came back after a long weekend,

and it's a freakin' Wednesday,

'Bicep day', my favourite workout day.

And of course,

OF COURSE, I feel exhausted.

Jenia was having her period,

and I had an extra two days to catch up on my sleep.

And what the FUCK DID I DO?

Wasted myself away eating chocolate,

and STILL trying to fool around with Jenia...

She's the sweetest,

kindest, most sensitive girl I know

(yeah, yeah... shut the fuck up).

So naturally,

in the span of two-odd months of being married,

I've made her cry twice.

That's right.

Once a month, SHE CRIES.

And yea,

she can be a little too sensitive sometimes...

But the shit that came out of my mouth.

My fucking loud mouth and gigantic ego.

And over little things, too.

I didn't lose my shit and start screaming or anything...

But I did something worse.

I expressed just a little bit of anger,

annoyance at what seem to her RANDOM THINGS.

In a twisted corner of my mind (I realized how fucking stupid it was, when I was trying to rationalize it),

I was losing 'social value' or 'demonstrating lower value' by not taking charge

of say, what dish I wanted, or letting her decide which direction to go...

And by 'demonstrating lower value', I was going to lose her.

Ironic thing is,

by getting upset over the little things...

random shit...

I run the very REAL risk of losing her.

Hell, if I had to tip-toe around my wife all the goddamn time,

I'd end up leaving, too.

And that's the thing.

By getting upset over random things, she needs to do that.

She assures me she doesn't,

but after the second time, 

I wouldn't be able to avoid doing it myself.

Tip-toe around me. Watch every little thing she says.

Like I'm a fragile, porcelain doll.

Fucking stupid.

A part of me feels like I'm ruining her life.

She got herself a damaged husband.

It's still early days of course,

and I'm working on changing.

Writing this down,

and leaving it here will hopefully make it easier for me (and her) to move on.

Goddammit I need to get my act together.

Hitting the gym tonight would be a good start.

Well enough of that

Rush Hour

It's 10am in the office,
and the amount of work I've done
is equal to the amount of snow that has fallen in Singapore the past year.

If you're still trying to figure out what that means,
then please,
run at full speed into a concrete wall.
You'll be doing yourself a favour, trust me.

I'm tired...
exhausted, really.

Mentally, and physically.

Now don't get me wrong,
I love the technology, and the actual work itself.
Problem is, there just isn't enough for me to do.

And while my director is a pretty cool guy,
once the CEO realizes I'm dead weight,
I'm probably gone.
Gotta say though,
if I were in his position, I'd do the EXACT same thing.

There's also the fact that I feel like I'm stagnating.
Going nowhere, career-wise.

I kind of feel the same way personally, too.
My English has suffered, not to mention my conversational skills.

Was speaking with a girl this morning,
and goddammit I almost reached a point where I had nothing to say.

At least the anxiety has not returned.
That's a good thing.

There's a shitload more to talk about,
but being in the office,
and not being the owner of the company,
makes it slightly less convenient to spend a long-ass time on your blog.

There are a few positives, though.
Every day, I will learn something new, something practical.
Russian, or about GIS.
Doesn't matter.
There must be progress.

And my arm has healed...
so later tonight, I'll be back in the gym.

Oh yea.

Now if you've had enough...
kind go forth and fuck yourself in the ass.


Well enough of that