At The Gates

It's freezing cold.
My fingers are starting to feel numb.

Looking for more words,
but they are slow coming.

Jacket's not helping much.

Nope, I'm not still in Busan.
The airconditioner is directly above my desk,
and it feels like the bright sunshine outside the large windows nearby is mocking me.

Man. It's been a crazy year.
Not too long ago, I set myself a target: 2 years and I would end it all.

And within those 2 years,
I would give my best to achieve and feel the things I'd always wanted to feel.
That's putting it mildly.

It would be more like a dancer giving in completely to the music,
moving with wild abandon.

Nothing to lose.
I was going to learn how to speak comfortably with people.
Attract women.
I was going to find out what having a successful career feels like.

I was going to LIVE, goddammit.
And end it all on MY terms.


Learned so many things.
Women no longer intimidated me.

Hell, I could strike up a conversation with a whole group,
when in the past, I could barely make eye contact.

Found a great job,
where I met people from all over the world.
That place was my testing ground. I kept what worked, and discarded what didn't.

I flew for the first time ever, to Macau.

A personal vacation in the past,
meant relaxing in Singapore...
maybe I'd watch a movie or have lunch at a nice restaurant.

This time around,
I went a proper, full-on 2-week vacation in Melbourne and Perth!
That was pretty fucking awesome.

The people were so friendly,
and I struck up conversations with strangers easily...

It felt so natural.
In Melbourne, I met up with a few of my clients who became friends...
No longer were they just voices on the phone,
or text in an e-mail.

The city itself was amazing.
So full of life.
The narrow alleyways, and the mixture of old and new architecture.
Hell, even the trams were cool to me.

The beaches, the cool autumn weather, the long walks...
Long walks!
Man oh man... I'd almost forgotten how much I loved to talk walks...

And Perth.
Alright, alright I'll admit...
the place as a whole is pretty boring compared to Melbourne and Singapore...

But if you're looking for a laidback atmosphere...
a place to relax, with wide, wide open spaces...

You would like that place very much.
I know I did.

Stayed with another client who became a friend... a good, reliable friend.
A true friend.

He and his girlfriend make such a cute couple.
Heh.

Now before I continue,
you might be asking yourself 'How did become so breathtakingly lame?'

The answer is simple:
Go fuck yourself.
Seriously.
Go outside, find a nice long branch...
and fuck yourself.

Now that we've settled that,
I'm going to move onto the most amazing thing that has happened to me within the year.
Something I would never have guessed.




In less than two weeks,
I will be married to the most amazing, intriguing woman I've ever known.

Man, of all the unexpected things to happen,
this tops the list.

I'd already decided that marriage was NEVER going to happen for me.
Not with the laws and women the way they are.

Logged into an old OKCupid account...
and chanced upon the description of a Korean-Russian,
living in Beijing.

Now that got me curious.
Not in the sense of dating. I was genuinely curious.

Korean-Russian? Never heard of it.
And living in Beijing?

I was picking up girls in Singapore,
dating casually...

She was in BEIJING, for crying out loud.
But I was drawn to her.

I ran a little bit of game,
but quickly got sucked in.
No, I went in. Willingly. I was eager.

As hard as it was to believe for me at the time,
I was in love with who she was...
Now believe me, looks were pretty important to me at the time...

But I made a new decision.
I didn't really care what she looked like.This woman I'd never met before... I loved her.

We met briefly 6 months ago...
and soon, very soon...
her hand will be in mine,
and we will truly belong to each other.


Yea, yea...
I know... I know...

You could probably find a gazillion men
who wax lyrical about their girlfriends or wives...

Guys who changed their tune when they get screwed over.

But you know what?
Despite the risks. Even if she did leave me...
I would move on.
Oh it would hurt like a motherfucker, no doubt about it.

But I would move on.
And more than that, I would emerge a better man.

That is what she makes me want to be.
I already wanted to succeed...
but she provides that additional push...
when you see the finish line,
and the tank's empty...
yet somehow, you manage to push forward even harder.

That's what she is to me.

So regardless of how it turns out...
I would still be a better man.
Thanks to her.


Here I am,
at the gates to my new life.
And words can barely express my excitement.

So much more to learn.
So much more to experience.

My English has suffered recently,
probably due to a couple of things...
The freezing office, lack of sleep, and staying away from blogging.

Writing this shit helps.
A lot.

I'll probably begin writing again on a regular basis.
Or not.
We'll see.

Been reviewing the 77 Laws,
and the idea of never justifying myself...
was actually giving me a fucking headache.

I mean, how far do you take it?
If you're going to the store, are you supposed to reveal what you want to get?
Or does it stop at what you want to get, and not revealing WHY you want that thing?

And then it hit me.
This is taking up waaay more mental space than is needed.

My definition of it?
Never defending your decision.

If you want to go to the store to get that jam,
then people ask why,
hey, it's because you want to, that's why.
Fuck them.

But it doesn't mean I'm going to begin
narrating the equivalent of a fucking epic novel,
every time I want to do something.

Sometimes I'll reveal what I want in the store,
and sometimes I won't.

And if by now,
you think I'm referring only to a visit to the store,
then please,
smack yourself in the face with a sledgehammer.

You'll be doing us both a favour.


Anyway...
the gates are open now.
And soon I will be walking through them.

But first,
I'll need to take care of this goddamn airconditioner...


Well enough of that

The Day After

It's about 1.45am.
I'm in the dark hall,
with my face illuminated by the monitor's light.

Giving myself product training for the new role.
It's fan-fucking-tastic.

There's a gazillion products to go through,
and I'm only on the 2nd main product;
their sever editions.

Gotta love deliberately vague descriptions!

I'd say about 80-90% of what I'm learning
won't come in handy for the role.
Not really.

But hey, even if only 10% of it helps me to succeed,
that's more than fine with me.

Lately I've realized that my conversational skills
have got even worse.

Yeah, yea I know... I know...
I talk about this (more like bitch and whine and moan) from time to time...

And I'm sure you're sick of it by now.
So please... accept my sincerest apologies...
in the form of this lighted TNT and stick it up your anus.

You're welcome.


I've got to hit the ground running with this new gig.
No other choice, as far as I can see...

The marriage is happening on the 8th of Dec,
and to be honest, (and extremely fucking lame),
I'm excited.

I'm excited to be a husband...
to have someone by my side,
to have FINALLY have sex...

But yea,
it wouldn't be complete without apprehension.

Like the month before the most important match of your life.
You've trained for this.
You know you're gonna kick ass.

But doubts persist.
Nervousness will not just disappear.

And you know what?
That's a good thing.

Fuck it. It is.

Makes me more aware of the pitfalls,
or complacency.

Always be on the quest to improve yourself.
ALWAYS.

It never stops.
Life isn't static.

The clock is still ticking for me,
but hey, while I'm still here, I'm gonna pretend there's no self-imposed deadline.


My aunt passed away 2 days ago.
Well, not technically my aunt.
She was my uncle's wife. Does that make her my aunt?
I'm too fucking lazy to look it up.

There is no actual grief.
A hint of sadness...
resignation...
even hope.

She came from a generation of people from my father's side of the family,
who had treated my family in such a horrible way.

I'm no longer angry...
but this happened.
And anybody who views it as a good or normal thing is either
fucking stupid,
mentally-challenged, evil,
or all of the above.


They pressured my mom to give up my little brother to her,
RIGHT AFTER SHE GAVE BIRTH.

I mean holy shit.
What a bunch of saints, eh?

Apparently my uncle had problems
producing a 'normal' child with his wife...

So they figured there was absolutely nothing wrong
with TAKING AWAY SOMEONE ELSE'S CHILD.

The more I learned about this over the years,
the more pissed off I got.

They had shunned my mom those first years...
Either because she wasn't a Pakistani, or rich...
likely both.

So they forced her to give up her child,
then changed the name originally given to him.
Motherfuckers.

Got to admit,
I was also pissed at my dad for not standing up to them.
He's supposed to be this badass,
who doesn't take shit from anyone.

And he didn't...
except from his own family.

This resulted in the kid growing up confused,
feeling rejected...
hiding the fact that he had 6 other siblings...

He would later come to see
my uncle and his wife as his actual parents.
No surprise there.

I gotta say though,
my dad's side of the family sure had a knack for
creating decades-long grudges.

A part of me wanted to confront ALL of them.
But this was years later,
when they'd apparently fully-accepted my mom (but my brother remained with my uncle).

Re-opening old wounds would've solved nothing,
and brought only more pain.

So I let it go,
though a small, persistent part of me still harboured resentment.


Until recently.

My uncle passed away years ago,
and his wife was slowly being overcome by cancer.

When last I visited,
she was so weak, she could barely speak...
a far cry from the strong, vocal woman she used to be.

And my mom.
My mom... CRIED for her.
Genuine tears...  she kissed her,
and spoke kindly...

Despite all the pain this woman had caused her.
Was STILL causing her.

All of that didn't matter.
Here was another human being in pain...
a human being who had taken care of her son, no matter how that arrangement came to be.

She truly felt empathy...
there was such intense sadness.

My mom is truly one of the most caring, loving people I know on this earth.
Her actions may be poorly-executed at times,
but there must be no doubt of her intentions: almost always in the interest of others, rarely for herself.

If she can forgive her,
who the hell am I to hold a grudge?

What is my suffering compared to hers?

No. It truly is time to just let things go.

This is another brief stop,
on my path to becoming a better person.
She has opened my eyes, and not for the first time.

How can I even begin to thank her, I don't know.

My brother is married now, with a kid on the way.
I can see the loving bond between he and his new bride...
and her family.

Though we will never be close as brothers should be.
I will be happy for him from a distance.
That is good enough for me.


Things have changed.
My cousin married a Filipino who already had 2 kids...
and he now has 2 more with her.

As far as I can tell,
they have been accepted with open arms.
Such a difference compared with the generation that came before.

My brother's wife isn't a Pakistani herself (I think she's Malay).
And that's fine, too.

Soon, I will be married to a Korean Russian.
And if anybody has problems with it, let them stew in their hatred.
They will not interfere with my family, I will make sure of this.
But at the same time, I will not hold a grudge.

I don't know anyone who would have a problem with it,
but if anyone does, and years later decides to sincerely make amends,
that person will be more than welcome in my home.

I'm tired now, and there's still a lot of reading left to do.

Fuck off, children.

Well enough of that




















 

Risks

It's about 1am,
and I'm eating cheap, instant noodles of a brand I've never even heard of.

Tastes pretty good, actually.

So it's been a while.
What made me return?

A pretty bad interview earlier today, at TripAdvisor.
Now it wasn't horrible, and people did not end up running from the building screaming from their lives.

But still pretty bad.

Started WITHOUT asking the interviewers how they were.
I never do that these days.

Yet that is exactly what I did.
And it was a harbinger of sorts, of things to come.

Didn't know what the role was about,
the sources of revenue...
mumbled about my sales techniques, barely getting to the point...
Not just sales techniques, but one or two other things as well...

I thought I was confident.
But for some reason, I  mispronounced many words...
and in some cases, was actually at a LOSS for words...

Lack of focus is one thing.
But damn, man.
It's like I lost a huge chunk of my vocabulary in that hour.

Couldn't articulate my thoughts clearly.

And what really sucks?
I would definitely have loved to have given the role a shot.

But hey, live and learn.
Sometimes you get bad days.
Identify the mistakes, and move on.

I've made mental notes
about speaking slower when I'm tired,
being more focused,
and increase my brevity.

Also, right afterwards,
it occurred to me that I seemed... over-eager.

GODDAMMIT.

So yea... I've learned and will move on.

But it still pisses me off.



So the interview.
Ah yes.
Why did I go for an interview, you ask?
You sweet, curious, innocent young cocksucking potato-cunt motherfucker, you...

I just lost my job.
That's right.
After about 2 years, just like that.

The official reason?
I didn't hit my target. That's it.


About 6 months ago, when I was on a different team,
Dharma and his cuntwhore Patrick tried to do that...
giving a list of petty, bullshit reasons, except for results because hey,
as far as the client was concerned, I was doing great...!

That's right.
They couldn't touch me on results.
To this day, I don't know the real reason why they wanted me out.
That is how fucked up it is.

Was it a power thing?
Did they just hate my face? I mean I can understand if that's the reason.
I am pretty fucking handsome.
Shut up.

So I was transferred to another team.
Now here I thought yeah, a fresh start.
BIG MISTAKE.

There was a reason why, not long after Julien took over,
about 90% of the original team left, including the Team Leader.

That spineless French cocksucking weasel.
Doesn't take responsibility unless it's for something that went well.

I should've know the day I started.
No access to any of the systems for a whole goddamn week.
No proper training.
In fact, his brilliant idea of 'training',
was to have the Sales Support Coordinator (the person who handles the data),
to present some slides.
That's it.

Oh and by the way, the SSC doesn't even do sales.

Speaking of data, what we received was fucking horrible.
And the way the opportunities were divided amongst the reps
was beyond stupid.
I could go on and on...

The new director Peter wasn't exactly the sharpest tool in the shed, either.
Reneged on his word to sit with me early on, to see firsthand the issues I faced;
Julien had basically jettisoned all my suggestions, that fucking moron.

So 2 weeks before the end-of-quarter,
what does this new, hotshot director do?
Asks me how I can improve my number.

If he really had any experience dealing with the Channel in Australia,
he'd know 2 weeks is NOTHING.

In fact, some partners technically end a week earlier,
and spend the final week processing orders.
You know what that means?
NO NEW ORDERS.

Fucking clueless motherfucker.

So the team didn't hit the target,
and I was about 700K off my forecast.
Now you might say hey, that's pretty bad. You're bad!

For those of you who thought that,
kindly bend over and stuff your empty heads up your assholes.

I 'lost' a few hundred thousand...
because they were closed by the other reps.
When a deal is consolidated, only the parent opportunity will display the amount.
The other opportunities are labeled as being closed for ZERO dollars.

So for the rep to whom the parent opportunity belonged,
WELL DONE YOU CLOSED SO MUCH MORE THAT EXPECTED!!!

And for the rep looking after the child opportunities,
TOO BAD, SUCKAAA!!!

Even if both of you worked on it.
So the deals weren't 'lost', but according to Julien, they were.
How the fuck that makes sense, you tell me.

He threw me under the bus to save his own ass.


Ah well.
At least I'm out of there.

But now  I've got to deal with my old friends:
Racist cunty whorish Singaporean Chinese employers.

Of course there are exceptions.
Wileen, who hired me 2 years ago was one of them.
And there are a few others.

Oh no, we are talking about the majority.
Not only are they stupid as hell, but they are fucking racist to boot.

Way to go, Singapore Education System.
Effective indeed.

It's hard sometimes even getting an interview.
Eventually I'll get a gig. I hope.

And when I do,
the plan is to take IT courses; I've narrowed it down to Cisco and Microsoft.
10-year goal is to become an IT Architect, possibly upgrading to become a Cloud Architect.

Why that?
IT Architects are in high demand, and this demand is expected only to grow for a long while...

So when I achieve it (or whatever is the equivalent at the time; gotta be flexible!),
I'm moving overseas permanently.

Man, I'll be so happy to leave this shithole.
Now the Chinese are complaining about competition from foreigners,
yet they are still blind to the fact that the local minorities have it even worse.

Oh no.
They'll whine and bitch and moan, but when given a mirror,
suddenly go into denial, with dumbass responses like 'Racist got in US also mah! BLAH BLAH BLAH'
or 'You racist too!'

Fucking idiots.



Well enough of that

Contingency

Yep. Just lost my job, not too long after my engagement.

And she's still by my side,
giving encouragement...
even sending pictures of herself smiling...
ahh, those sweet smiles really do brighten up my day.

She is amazing, and I love her.
Yea, I know the risks involved... but you know what? She's worth it.

Yes, yes... I know... I know...


So anyway. I'm looking for a job,
and I've got a long-term plan: Get IT certifications,
and work my way up to the level of an IT Architect (Network Infrastructure)...
Probably take about 10 years.
Not sure if I'll even be alive, then (remember the plan?).
But hey, why not? If it provides me with an escape from this prison island.

In the meantime, I'll get whatever gig I can get to fund this new journey.

I've also got an idea for an online business.
Something in the vein of Fiverr.com and Airbnb.com

A one-stop site for homeowners:
Plumbers, electricians, property agents, contractors, the people who configure the gas, the ones who set up internet access...
Complete with reviews, and pricing information.

Target market audience would be in countries overseas,
and probably not in Singapore.
Pretty sure it'd work. OK I hope.
I've actually pitched this to someone.

But the way I see it,
I'll probably end up working on it like a hobby. Yea, would be a nice hobby to have.


Now back home,
I've got another... problem.

Apparently my brother has, or is about to achieve great success.

A little bit of the history between us:
We've had a a few disagreements that began long ago,
over things I can't even remember now.

But he has never really got over it.
So to this day, we never talk to each other,
and he makes his displeasure of my presence clearly visible by slamming doors, etc.
I actually find it a little funny.
Need the sofa all to yourself, and he's the only one seated there?
No problem. Sit right smack next to him.
He'll get off of it like it was on fire. HAHAHAH...

But I digress.

So he's about to achieve success.
Something about a million dollars, etc.

I'm happy for him. No, really. Quit sniggering.
But it's bittersweet.
He walks around our apartment, bragging about it on and on and on...

And while I don't normally give a damn about what others think and do,
it's pretty hard not to get seriously annoyed when you're actually living with someone who
makes it clear that he hates your guts.

Fact is, I'll be happy once he's gone.
I mean he's my brother and I love him. But goddammit the tension, man...

One time, he actually sucker-punched me in the eye,
while hiding behind a few people...
I could've destroyed him (he is pretty skinny, and I lift weights), but I didn't.

Soon, without a doubt, there'll probably be an outpouring of scorn from him.
That doesn't really bother me.
But when I have kids, he better not forsake them. He will still be their uncle.

Now, at 30 years old,
I feel like the curse of my father has been passed onto me.

Old family wounds. Unhealed rifts.
The many, many little concessions they made for him...
despite my warnings of what my parents were allowing him to become,
what THEY were doing to the family...
So sure were they of themselves.

Now I'll admit I've made mistakes as well.
But the way they, especially my father shielded him... it was unreal.

So divisive.

This bitterness will not fade, but I will keep trying.
Who knows, maybe he'll come around someday.
Maybe my parents will realize the strong hand they played in all of this.
Maybe I'll realize something about me.

EDIT (31st Jul 12): I've decided that during Eid, I'll try to reach out. Probably won't work, but it'll plant the seed.
Will have to attempt again many years later, when we are on the same level financially.


I'm sure there is something I can't see.
Maybe it really was just me all along.
It did begin when we were young teenagers, though...
So my parents need to accept responsibility.
Or not.
What difference would it make? It won't heal any wounds. Not now, anyway.


And now here we are.
These mistakes must be remembered. And I must learn from them.
They are a guidebook on what NOT to do, when I have kids.
And my great fear is that I will replicate exactly that.


She must be my compass.
Just as I will be hers.

Ahh Jenia...
The way I feel. How I've let you down.
But as a man, I can never reveal this despair to her.
So it's good that this site is here. For me and me alone.

Time to get back on my feet.
Repair what is broken.

No matter how far it is,
unless you take that first step, you will never arrive at your destination.


Well, enough of that.











 

That Which is Broken Can Be Fixed

Wilderness

Ah yes, 'Wilderness'.
Makes me sound fucking deep, eh?

Saturday morning,
it's 9 and sunlight fills the entire living room...
open windows frame the trees and white sky...
 so bright.

I love days like these.

So last night,
I was out with Jill, Bridget and Vivian...

Now parties at pubs, clubs... aren't exactly my kind of thing.

But I figured eh, hanging out with my friends once in a while can't hurt...
also, it reminds of just how little I'm missing out on.
Heh.

They actually left me alone,
and THEN texted me,
asking where I was... and then saying they'd left.

Jill apologised twice...
which just fucking annoyed me.

That's like apologising to the bank...
WHILE you're robbing it.


To be honest, that was more than fine with me.
In the past, I'd use the opportunity to meet new girls...
and just practice talking with them...

But I was missing my girlfriend.
AND I was pretty damn tired, too.

Nonetheless, Jill and Bridget just placed me in an awkward situation.

I will not tolerate people being assholes towards me.
And being put in a position of how to react on Monday, annoys me greatly.

Ah well.
I'll just roll with it.

Friendships to me, are like any other kind of non-family relationship:
The moment you feel like shit, it's time to bail.

I'll see how they react,
but if I have to cut Jill loose (I'm not very close to Bridget anyway)...
then that's fine.

Doesn't mean I'll start acting like an asshole in return.
Because I'm not pissed.
But I do prefer to surround myself with positive energy... positive people.

Goddammit I sound like a hippie.


But yea...

Friends respect you. Period.





Just had a chat on the phone with an annoying
Customer Service Singaporean...
and her stupidity and ignorance seeped through her voice.

I'm probably just a little biased.
Never really been a big fan of Singaporeans to begin with (bah hahah).

But damn,
even when you make an effort...
some of them seem bent on confirming the stereotypes:
That they are racist... ignorant... can't speak proper English...

And then it hit me.
I was struggling to articulate my thoughts.

Man, I really need to write more often.
And read, too.



My deadline still looms in the distance.
Like distant storm clouds... moving slowly... but steadily towards me.

And yet, I can't imagine my life
without her...

Marriage used to be such a repellant thought to me.
To be tied down to someone...
and practically held hostage,
thanks to the divorce laws...

The risks FAR outweigh the benefits.

But I love her.
Maybe it's just the chemicals.

How many guys have said and felt the exact same thing...
only to get burned?
It works both ways, too.

I've still got my deadline, though.
It is menacing... yet comforts me at the same time.

A way out.

I want to be with her.
I want to have kids with her... grow old together... share inside jokes...
kiss her lips... all of those things.

But I'm also aware of the risks.
Welcome to Life, eh?



Well enough of that

Jenia

It's 5 minutes to 11pm, and I am exhausted.
So hard to remain awake...

I wanted to preserve this moment. This thought.
Even if my words aren't exactly the ones I'd choose normally...
the thought must be saved.

Something weird has happened to me.
Quite odd.

I've fallen in love.
Truly, deeply.
I would die for her. And I've never even met her yet.

Something tells me one day, she will break my heart.
And even if I know that to be true,
I wouldn't change a damn thing.

Yep.
Maybe you don't get wiser with age...

She isn't even the type I've fantasised about for years and years...

No red hair,
she's not White...
she isn't as sarcastic as me... doesn't curse...

Even her body type and age...
She is not 25 or younger...

And yet I love her.
Everything about her.

Her eyes, her lips...
Her hair... her smile...

Her accent... the words she uses.
I mean come ON, man...
even the WORDS SHE USES...

Haven't known her for too long.
About 2 months so far.

And I love her.
As I search my brain for better phrases, better words to use...
better images...

It hits me.
I've kind of let myself go, intellectually.

I want to read more books... write more..
watch more stand-up comedy,
watch more of the type of movies that I like...

So I'll be able to regain those phrases...
I do not want to manipulate her. Not at all.

I want to serenade her with poetry and flowers. All of that stuff.
Don't give a damn if it's lame-ass.
I want to do it.

Got into The Game, and began getting results...
but I kind of stopped mid-way through.

Meeting her was an unexpectedly pleasant surprise.

She makes me want to be a better man.
I was already on a journey to self-improvement... and she's like the turbo-boost that drives me even harder.

But perhaps, I shouldn't stop mid-way.
I must keep learning.
Just need to remain within the boundaries...

This is part of my journey, and I must complete it.

I would never betray her,
so I'm not worried at all.

Goddamn, this is a long post.
And here I was, about to talk about how I sometimes loathe myself
for trying to fit in...

The expats in the office, for example.
Romka.
They sure can make someone feel like crap.

But it's my fault...
Problem is... a part of me was still seeking validation.

They are who they are.
Perhaps they feel they are superior simply because of where they're from (Europe/US)...

Or perhaps they don't like the way I look...

Or perhaps this... or that...

So many assumptions. It doesn't matter.

What matters is how I feel.
I control that. What's the point of loathing them, or myself?

None.

You recognise a mistake, you acknowledge it, you move on.


And sure, I'm trying to make more friends, so if Jenia comes to stay with me (IF),
she'll have friends to hang out with...

But hey, she deserves more credit than that.
She's smart, she's funny, and she's very beautiful... warm, and thoughtful.
Tender and kind...

She'll be fine, and is more than capable of making her own friends.

I will hang out with the people I want... WHEN I choose to...
and most of the time, I prefer being alone...
exploring... hell, even taking part in competitions alone.

I love it.

So if others won't accept me, after I've offered a hand in friendship,
then so be it.
Their loss, man.


Heh.
Pre-Jenia, and a few months back,
this post would probably be filled with words like 'fuck', 'motherfucker', 'fucking motherfucking cocksuckers'-
Well, you get the idea.

She's already helping me to be a better man.

And I love her for it so much.