Sands

Well today seemed to be a good day. I clicked with people, was less nervous when speaking...
Hell, even my boss gave me a compliment, and that I'd been getting positive reviews from our client.

So why I do still feel like shit. Worse than usual, even.

Can't help shaking the though of being fired at any moment now.
Yep. They've been telling me I'm doing great...
and I keep thinking it's all a goddamn conspiracy. That any day now, they'll announce my replacement.

I hate to admit it, but I like the job. The unpredictability of it.
Yeah, it's only sales, but man...
I can't believe it's what I enjoy.

The large accounts,
the impossible ones.
I enjoy rushing into them headlong,
like a shark intoxicated by the smell of blood in the water.

And since I have less than 1.5 years...
I'd rather stick to this. Do well.
Then I'll be able to end it all with a smile.

Yet I keep thinking people hate me.
That I'll fail in an epic manner.

When the fuck will it end?

Well enough of that.

Maybe I Am Just a Little Fucked Up

...just a little? Yeah, doubt it.
But then again, my frame of reference is about 90% other Singaporeans.
And if being fucked up means I'm different from them,
then I'd rather STAY fucked up.

Of course, it would be nice to not feel like I need fucking attention all the time...
to not have anxiety issues.
Even when praying, I get fucking anxious.
Sounds ridiculous, I know.

But think about it.

You're nervous around your boss... around people in positions of authority.
Now you're asking GOD to grant you your wishes
like some kind of goddamn genie (GOD & goddamn... get it? Get it?? Ahh.. fuck you).

How could you NOT get nervous.

I'm trying to post everyday,
so I can train myself to retrieve words faster...
to form better sentences...
to make my thoughts coherent.

Writing helps. So that's why I'm doing.
Ah fuck, I need to begin reading often, as well.
Son of a bitch.

The insomnia isn't exactly helping my cause.
Sometimes I slur my words...
because I'm too damn sleepy to pronounce them correctly.
At 11am.
After like 400 cups of coffee.

And yeah,
it bothers me that I find it extremely hard
to come up with witty comebacks (shut up).
I need to become sharp, again.

So besides more writing and reading,
I'm hoping doing more cardio's gonna be a big help, too.
If nothing else, it'll at least keep me from panting
after climbing a flight of 2 stairs.
Pathetic.

Well that's about it for now.
Fuck every single one of you.

Have a nice day!

Eh?

Been a while since I've been here.
Man, I wanna say that things have improved, that I'm doing better.
I'm not.

With what, like a year-and-a-half left? Goddamn.
I have made a friend or two,
but when I view their Facebook page or something (shut the fuck up),
and see their recent 'events',
it makes me feel left out.
Despite the fact that I'm not close with them at all.

Holy shit what the hell is wrong with me?
I want constant attention, is that it?

Every time someone doesn't smile at me,
every time someone DOES...
It still makes me feel like beating the shit out of myself.

What's different, though?
Nothing much.
Went out with AND got rejected by a 35 year-old.
A fucking Auntie rejected me.
Jesus fucking Christ.

Is this as good as it gets?
I am not looking forward to Monday (as usual).
But I want this day to end quickly as well.

Fuck off.
Have a nice day!

Well enough of that.