Contingency

Yep. Just lost my job, not too long after my engagement.

And she's still by my side,
giving encouragement...
even sending pictures of herself smiling...
ahh, those sweet smiles really do brighten up my day.

She is amazing, and I love her.
Yea, I know the risks involved... but you know what? She's worth it.

Yes, yes... I know... I know...


So anyway. I'm looking for a job,
and I've got a long-term plan: Get IT certifications,
and work my way up to the level of an IT Architect (Network Infrastructure)...
Probably take about 10 years.
Not sure if I'll even be alive, then (remember the plan?).
But hey, why not? If it provides me with an escape from this prison island.

In the meantime, I'll get whatever gig I can get to fund this new journey.

I've also got an idea for an online business.
Something in the vein of Fiverr.com and Airbnb.com

A one-stop site for homeowners:
Plumbers, electricians, property agents, contractors, the people who configure the gas, the ones who set up internet access...
Complete with reviews, and pricing information.

Target market audience would be in countries overseas,
and probably not in Singapore.
Pretty sure it'd work. OK I hope.
I've actually pitched this to someone.

But the way I see it,
I'll probably end up working on it like a hobby. Yea, would be a nice hobby to have.


Now back home,
I've got another... problem.

Apparently my brother has, or is about to achieve great success.

A little bit of the history between us:
We've had a a few disagreements that began long ago,
over things I can't even remember now.

But he has never really got over it.
So to this day, we never talk to each other,
and he makes his displeasure of my presence clearly visible by slamming doors, etc.
I actually find it a little funny.
Need the sofa all to yourself, and he's the only one seated there?
No problem. Sit right smack next to him.
He'll get off of it like it was on fire. HAHAHAH...

But I digress.

So he's about to achieve success.
Something about a million dollars, etc.

I'm happy for him. No, really. Quit sniggering.
But it's bittersweet.
He walks around our apartment, bragging about it on and on and on...

And while I don't normally give a damn about what others think and do,
it's pretty hard not to get seriously annoyed when you're actually living with someone who
makes it clear that he hates your guts.

Fact is, I'll be happy once he's gone.
I mean he's my brother and I love him. But goddammit the tension, man...

One time, he actually sucker-punched me in the eye,
while hiding behind a few people...
I could've destroyed him (he is pretty skinny, and I lift weights), but I didn't.

Soon, without a doubt, there'll probably be an outpouring of scorn from him.
That doesn't really bother me.
But when I have kids, he better not forsake them. He will still be their uncle.

Now, at 30 years old,
I feel like the curse of my father has been passed onto me.

Old family wounds. Unhealed rifts.
The many, many little concessions they made for him...
despite my warnings of what my parents were allowing him to become,
what THEY were doing to the family...
So sure were they of themselves.

Now I'll admit I've made mistakes as well.
But the way they, especially my father shielded him... it was unreal.

So divisive.

This bitterness will not fade, but I will keep trying.
Who knows, maybe he'll come around someday.
Maybe my parents will realize the strong hand they played in all of this.
Maybe I'll realize something about me.

EDIT (31st Jul 12): I've decided that during Eid, I'll try to reach out. Probably won't work, but it'll plant the seed.
Will have to attempt again many years later, when we are on the same level financially.


I'm sure there is something I can't see.
Maybe it really was just me all along.
It did begin when we were young teenagers, though...
So my parents need to accept responsibility.
Or not.
What difference would it make? It won't heal any wounds. Not now, anyway.


And now here we are.
These mistakes must be remembered. And I must learn from them.
They are a guidebook on what NOT to do, when I have kids.
And my great fear is that I will replicate exactly that.


She must be my compass.
Just as I will be hers.

Ahh Jenia...
The way I feel. How I've let you down.
But as a man, I can never reveal this despair to her.
So it's good that this site is here. For me and me alone.

Time to get back on my feet.
Repair what is broken.

No matter how far it is,
unless you take that first step, you will never arrive at your destination.


Well, enough of that.











 

That Which is Broken Can Be Fixed

Wilderness

Ah yes, 'Wilderness'.
Makes me sound fucking deep, eh?

Saturday morning,
it's 9 and sunlight fills the entire living room...
open windows frame the trees and white sky...
 so bright.

I love days like these.

So last night,
I was out with Jill, Bridget and Vivian...

Now parties at pubs, clubs... aren't exactly my kind of thing.

But I figured eh, hanging out with my friends once in a while can't hurt...
also, it reminds of just how little I'm missing out on.
Heh.

They actually left me alone,
and THEN texted me,
asking where I was... and then saying they'd left.

Jill apologised twice...
which just fucking annoyed me.

That's like apologising to the bank...
WHILE you're robbing it.


To be honest, that was more than fine with me.
In the past, I'd use the opportunity to meet new girls...
and just practice talking with them...

But I was missing my girlfriend.
AND I was pretty damn tired, too.

Nonetheless, Jill and Bridget just placed me in an awkward situation.

I will not tolerate people being assholes towards me.
And being put in a position of how to react on Monday, annoys me greatly.

Ah well.
I'll just roll with it.

Friendships to me, are like any other kind of non-family relationship:
The moment you feel like shit, it's time to bail.

I'll see how they react,
but if I have to cut Jill loose (I'm not very close to Bridget anyway)...
then that's fine.

Doesn't mean I'll start acting like an asshole in return.
Because I'm not pissed.
But I do prefer to surround myself with positive energy... positive people.

Goddammit I sound like a hippie.


But yea...

Friends respect you. Period.





Just had a chat on the phone with an annoying
Customer Service Singaporean...
and her stupidity and ignorance seeped through her voice.

I'm probably just a little biased.
Never really been a big fan of Singaporeans to begin with (bah hahah).

But damn,
even when you make an effort...
some of them seem bent on confirming the stereotypes:
That they are racist... ignorant... can't speak proper English...

And then it hit me.
I was struggling to articulate my thoughts.

Man, I really need to write more often.
And read, too.



My deadline still looms in the distance.
Like distant storm clouds... moving slowly... but steadily towards me.

And yet, I can't imagine my life
without her...

Marriage used to be such a repellant thought to me.
To be tied down to someone...
and practically held hostage,
thanks to the divorce laws...

The risks FAR outweigh the benefits.

But I love her.
Maybe it's just the chemicals.

How many guys have said and felt the exact same thing...
only to get burned?
It works both ways, too.

I've still got my deadline, though.
It is menacing... yet comforts me at the same time.

A way out.

I want to be with her.
I want to have kids with her... grow old together... share inside jokes...
kiss her lips... all of those things.

But I'm also aware of the risks.
Welcome to Life, eh?



Well enough of that

Jenia

It's 5 minutes to 11pm, and I am exhausted.
So hard to remain awake...

I wanted to preserve this moment. This thought.
Even if my words aren't exactly the ones I'd choose normally...
the thought must be saved.

Something weird has happened to me.
Quite odd.

I've fallen in love.
Truly, deeply.
I would die for her. And I've never even met her yet.

Something tells me one day, she will break my heart.
And even if I know that to be true,
I wouldn't change a damn thing.

Yep.
Maybe you don't get wiser with age...

She isn't even the type I've fantasised about for years and years...

No red hair,
she's not White...
she isn't as sarcastic as me... doesn't curse...

Even her body type and age...
She is not 25 or younger...

And yet I love her.
Everything about her.

Her eyes, her lips...
Her hair... her smile...

Her accent... the words she uses.
I mean come ON, man...
even the WORDS SHE USES...

Haven't known her for too long.
About 2 months so far.

And I love her.
As I search my brain for better phrases, better words to use...
better images...

It hits me.
I've kind of let myself go, intellectually.

I want to read more books... write more..
watch more stand-up comedy,
watch more of the type of movies that I like...

So I'll be able to regain those phrases...
I do not want to manipulate her. Not at all.

I want to serenade her with poetry and flowers. All of that stuff.
Don't give a damn if it's lame-ass.
I want to do it.

Got into The Game, and began getting results...
but I kind of stopped mid-way through.

Meeting her was an unexpectedly pleasant surprise.

She makes me want to be a better man.
I was already on a journey to self-improvement... and she's like the turbo-boost that drives me even harder.

But perhaps, I shouldn't stop mid-way.
I must keep learning.
Just need to remain within the boundaries...

This is part of my journey, and I must complete it.

I would never betray her,
so I'm not worried at all.

Goddamn, this is a long post.
And here I was, about to talk about how I sometimes loathe myself
for trying to fit in...

The expats in the office, for example.
Romka.
They sure can make someone feel like crap.

But it's my fault...
Problem is... a part of me was still seeking validation.

They are who they are.
Perhaps they feel they are superior simply because of where they're from (Europe/US)...

Or perhaps they don't like the way I look...

Or perhaps this... or that...

So many assumptions. It doesn't matter.

What matters is how I feel.
I control that. What's the point of loathing them, or myself?

None.

You recognise a mistake, you acknowledge it, you move on.


And sure, I'm trying to make more friends, so if Jenia comes to stay with me (IF),
she'll have friends to hang out with...

But hey, she deserves more credit than that.
She's smart, she's funny, and she's very beautiful... warm, and thoughtful.
Tender and kind...

She'll be fine, and is more than capable of making her own friends.

I will hang out with the people I want... WHEN I choose to...
and most of the time, I prefer being alone...
exploring... hell, even taking part in competitions alone.

I love it.

So if others won't accept me, after I've offered a hand in friendship,
then so be it.
Their loss, man.


Heh.
Pre-Jenia, and a few months back,
this post would probably be filled with words like 'fuck', 'motherfucker', 'fucking motherfucking cocksuckers'-
Well, you get the idea.

She's already helping me to be a better man.

And I love her for it so much.

Lipfucksmackcunty

 It's Monday.
One lipfucksmackcunty hell of a Monday.

Yep.
Lipfucksmackcunty.
I should copyright that.

Anyway,
found out today that my Team Lead is
going to be moving into a fully operational capacity.
Meaning she'll be looking after the data.
Period.

This, is GOOD fucking news.
Idiot can't sell water to a dehydrated millionaire.

And then.
THEN I find out who's gonna be our new Sales Team Lead.
The one who's gonna 'coach us'.
And then 'test' and fucking GRADE us.

Patrick.
The White guy who was transferred to another struggling team...
filled with Japanese people.

Now I don't give a shit what your race or nationality is.

But man oh man.
White American with (wait for it) AMERICAN ACCENT!!!
OH MY GOD.
LET US SUCK HIS COCK AND WORSHIP THE GROUND HE WALKS ON.
HE HAS AN ACCENT.
THEREFORE EVERYTHING HE SAYS MUST BE CORRECT.

He got promoted twice over me to Team Lead,
while I had to fucking deal with
my existing Lead trying to screw me over (can't use fuck all the damn time).

So now, I'm an Account Rep; 2 steps below him.
AND soon I'll have to fucking REPORT to him?
ARE YOU SHITTING ME??

Now look.
If you get the job based on merit.
Then fuck yes I will respect you.

Here's the thing.
When we were in the same team,
I outperformed him.

And now he's gonna GRADE ME??


What the hell is this?
Just because the stupid local Account Manager (OK he's Malaysian, same fucken thing)(shut up),
sucks his cock, does NOT make him better than me.

And to top it off,
the members of my team,
all female Asians...
will pick up where they left off with him i.e. suck his cock.

Now it's a goddamn stereotype, I know.

But with these stupid bitches, it's a fact.


I've already got an interview lined up tomorrow,
not to mention a long-term goal of getting that gig in Australia.

There are options.
Once Dec the 25th hits, I'll probably take one of them.




Oh, and there's the matter of this
super-cute blonde chick.
She's not the largest eyes...
and the most amazing smile I'd seen in a long, long time.

For a brief moment,
I thought hey,
if something happens,
I might just stay because of her.

And then I slapped my face.
And kicked myself in the nuts.

Nothing's ever gonna happen.
Nothing ever does.

I'll try.
But yea... nothing ever changes.
And when I crash and burn,
I'll probably be happy to leave.

Well enough of that.

The Arena

Saturday morning,
and I'm up before 6.

Been up for what seemed like
4-5 hours...
but it's only 8.

Haven't seen the morning sun in a long time.
Not really, anyway.

Rushing to the office
and watching the sky brighten in between
reading e-mails and making calls
isn't exactly what I'd call 'appreciating nature'.

So this is the morning after the annual 'Dinner and Dance'.
Held at a club.
Was like being in a club.

I fucking hate clubs.

But last night was different.
It was breathtakingly depressing.

Hell, apart from suicide,
I kept thinking of stabbing myself.
In the face, especially.

I gotta be honest.

I am a little selfish.
A part of me WANTS to be accepted.

Yeah, I WANT them to like me.
I WANT to fit in,
be one of them.
I WANT to be invited to parties.

I want all that.
Even on the cusp of turning 30.
I want it.

And I tried.
I really fucking tried, too.

Problem with that is,
I don't drink.
I don't dance.
OK I CAN'T dance.

When people hear music,
hear a beat,
they get the urge to tap their feet at least.

Not me.
Nothing.
Nada.
Zip.

Maybe I'm damaged somehow.

And I'm ugly.
Not being self-deprecating.
I don't have a problem with it.
Others do, however.

Anybody who's wanting in the looks department,
and expects to be treated equally in a club,
can also expect to win a million bucks and
grow wings so he fly with pigs.

Shit will NEVER happen.

And yeah,
I'm talking about the women.

The guy were fine.
OK not really.

Most of them were fucking annoying.
Mainly because the women were there.

Now don't get me wrong,
some of the ladies were all right.

They were nice.
Friendly.
I'm not expecting to get laid.
Just smile and say Hi or something, you cunts.
After all, I gotta see your faces in the office on Monday.

But the majority.
Ah yes.

I was pretty much ignored for most of the night.
Fuck, even Natalie who decided to park her boney ass
opposite my seat,
didn't say a single word to me.

I hate this.
Collective rejection.

You feel like you're not good enough
to even have a conversation with.

And I tried.

That's the rub.
Why the fuck did I try.

You fucking moron.
You will NEVER be accepted.
Are you shitting me?
You're 30.
Give it up.

Yeah...
I need to make a choice.

Keep trying,
or just run at light speed in the other direction.

All I want.
All I fucking want,
is to finally be able to date someone that I'm really into.

Hasn't happened in more than a decade.

I don't want sex.
I don't want to drink.

It's like just doing anything without alcohol
would kill a girl of boredom.

ALL I want,
is someone I can call at the end of day,
and have dinner with.
Maybe watch a movie.
Relax.

Fucking lame, I know.

But that is what I want.
And I need to change that.

In fact, you know what?
Fuck it.

I'll re-instate one of the rules I set for myself in the past.

If you're above 25,
you're past your sell-by date.

Used up.

And fuck you if you find it offensive.
Fuck you.
And fuck off.

You had your fun,
and now what, you wanna slow down, huh?

Yeah,
I expect the only chicks I'll get,
are the ones who let themselves go...
and the ones men don't give a second look.

Fuck them (not literally, you goddamn pervert).


Ahh... that was a good rant.

I'm done trying to fit in.
The only friend I can rely on...
is my words.

Even if Blogger gets taken down.
My words will come back.
And I'll start all over.

And I'll be fine.

People are not worth it.
Fuck them.

And fuck you, too.


Well enough of that.

Yep

My life fucking blows.
Say whatever the hell you want,
but when you keep getting rejected by various people...
after trying a variety of methods...
for more than 15 years,
It KINDA gets on your nerves a little bit.
Gets you down.

The only one left out.
Everybody gets their little prize...
and all you get is sympathetic looks and words.

A gift for someone who's leaving the office today.
Hey come on,
I'm not expecting a fucking song and dance.

But holy shit,
she took pictures with the ones who were there while
I just stood around like a fucking dumbass.
Even a handshake, goddamit.
Is that too much to ask?

Fuck people.
Maybe it's just Singapore. Or Asians.
Now I'm just rambling.

Once the offer becomes official...
I'm taking it.
You can bet your ass I'm taking it.

Well enough of that