Again

Motherfucker. 

We had a brief argument this morning. I mean yea, I should've just walked away earlier, and sure as hell shouldn't have continued in front of the kid. 

But holy fucking shit. 

I'll have to restrict the money she has access to. I have to. It's like she does not or will not grasp the consequence of spending too much each month. 

The conversation started with my t/rying to get a rough sense of what we're spending our money on. We've done a rough audit, and she's been spending around $2.5-$3K a month. ON FUCKING WHAT. 

Initially she'd went with "vitamins" and "Amazon".

And yea fine, I did say we'd have to take a bit of time and sit down to go over those, identify what exactly she'd been buying each month and to see what we can cut down on. 

So this morning, I tried asking what did we spend on each month. 

She repeated that it was "Amazon" and "vitamins", and eventually included "groceries" and "going out" (this one came after I'd pushed further). Even started off with "I already told you."

I tried to remain calm, and said that yes, but we need to know what exactly we've been buying so we can determine what's crucial and not. 

And she kept going round and round in circles. Trying to claim that she'd already told me, without telling me anything. WHAT have we been buying on Amazon each fucking month?

"Books".

OK, so we've been spending about what, $1K on books each month? 

"Groceries".

What groceries? Why so expensive?

What EXACTLY. 

"I told you already."

GODFUCKINGDAMMIT. 

And then she goes off on how I'd said we were going to discuss it in detail later, and how she wasn't prepared. 

BUT YOU JUST SAID THAT YOU'D ALREADY TOLD ME. 

So later when they left for my mom's place, I had a look at the credit card notifications that popped up. One for around $10, another for around $22. 

FUCK. 

And this was AFTER we'd already discussed how we needed to cut down, AND I'd already paid the credit card bill for the month AND I'd given her an extra $200. 

She won't stop.

She won't fucking stop. 

What would even be the point of having a supplementary credit card for her with a hard limit, IF SHE'S GOING TO USE IT ALL UP THEN ASK FOR MORE CASH BEFORE THE MONTH IS OUT. 

And let's get one thing straight. We won't suffer AT ALL if we cut down. Groceries and books at $3K a fucking month? What the fuck, are we buying sausages dipped in gold? Is the lamb from sheep raised in a resort on Mount Fuji? What? WHAT THE FUCK. 

I'll have to fucking restrict her access to cash and closely monitor her spending. Which is of course, OF COURSE going to cause more problems. What adult is OK with being treated like this? Like they're a little kid?

But what other option is there?

I think she might not even fully grasp why we weren't able to visit her mom this year. Not completely. 

Well enough of that. 

Heavy

Everything feels heavy.

My head, my arms, my chest, my legs. Everything. Motherfucker. Even dragging myself to the desk took a ton of effort. 

I'll have to keep this brief. Haven't been efficient in ages, but I'll try here. 

We're supposed to return to Korea in November. They of course, had to lift the Covid restrictions only just recently, to the point where it's essentially last-minute travel. Thanks a lot for that, you fucking cunts. 

I was probably excited at the beginning. Can't recall. And it's only been what, a couple of days since we'd initially decided to go?

Now I'm not even sure. Had to open my big fucking mouth. So I've raised everyone's hopes. But we're not ready. We're just not ready. 

Crypto currency has crashed. 

We'd also kept trying and failing to save enough the past couple of months. I can't even recall how long it'd been going on. 

Maybe it's me. Maybe it's her. But at the end of the day, it's my responsibility. So I'm the fucking idiot, here. 

There have been unexpected large expenses lately, but the fact that we'd been spending around $2.5K - $3K (rough estimate) if not more per month is insane. It's fucking insane. Where the hell is that money going?

Should've put a stop to it a long time ago. But here we are. 

I'm earning the most I've ever earned in my life, and I feel like a major emergency could (and likely will) pull us underwater. 

Should've checked thoroughly. 

We'd allocated $1.3K monthly for her and groceries (this was an increase from $1K, I think), and yet we seem to be spending a similar amount each month on the credit card. 

And I don't think her Keto stuff is to blame. I mean yea, there would be a slight increase, but not by this fucking much. Or is it me? I've checked past transactions and again, it seems to be groceries? From Finest and Sheng Siong. 

She's suggested that we examine the actual statements, and I agree. Except now, I can't get paper, because I'd have to keep asking my daughter for it. I'll have to wait until she falls asleep, then head out to get my own stack. Sheesh. 

Of course she's upset at the mere suggestion that HER spending is out of control. Which, yeah, I kind of get. 

But it's her attitude towards money that's a strong indicator for me, and worries me greatly. 

I'd been mentioning this repeatedly over several months, especially since the allocated cash kept running out completely, about a week (I think there were times when it was even two weeks but can't recall exactly) before the month ended. 

And she'd give an annoyed response, "Okaaaaaay" like it's no big deal. 

I kept telling her the risk we were putting ourselves in. Same response. That she'll be more careful. Same result each month. 

And now, we have to plan for a trip to Korea. 

And we might have to spend almost the entirety of our savings to go, and stay there for a month or so. Now yea, fine. FINE. I also didn't want to travel via budget airline and wanted to rent a car. 

But even without those, we'd still be spending way too much. 

And I really want to rent a car. I want it. I haven't driven in years. And at this fucking rate, I'll never be able to get a car. I'm 40. And I'll probably only be able to afford it, when? WHEN. When I'm 60? 80? 

I get it. I get that others never even got the chance. 

But the kicker is that my own fucking family couldn't even give enough of a single shit to help me learn. Many years back, I couldn't even afford to learn. Either due to cost or time. 

They could have helped me out. But refused. Flat out refused. Even when we were in Batam, they took the chance to let my sister (who already had a fucking license) to practice. Whilst I had to go elsewhere. 

The fucking responses they'd give me when I asked for help. The look on their faces. 

And now, literally decades later, when I'm supposed to be in a situation where I can finally, FINALLY afford one... I can't even rent a fucking car. I want to rent it for a month. I don't give a shit. And I can't. 

I fucking can't. 

And when we're there, we'll be at the mercy of those fucking taxi drivers. With my daughter there. In the freezing cold. 

Fuck. Fuck this shit. 

Do I bite the bullet? Spend all our fucking money and start from scratch in the coming year? This will probably be the last time I'd be able to spend more than a month there, if working from the office starts up again. 

And her mom hasn't seen us in three or four years now. 

But it fucking depresses me. 

And again, I get it. We're in a very fortunate position overall. I fucking get it. But we didn't have to be in this situation. 

She's annoyed that I'd brought it up. But does not seem to grasp that when you spend uncontrollably, THIS is the fucking consequence. When money is spent. THAT MONEY IS GONE. 

Hell, when it seemed like someone had made an unauthorised purchase on my credit card, I'd wanted her to check her Amazon account immediately (didn't know at the time that I could suspend my card temporarily). I'd assumed I'd have to cancel the card like I'd done in the past. And THAT would've prevented us from even buying the tickets for another week or two, and stuck us with even more expensive tickets. 

But at the time, my sister was visiting with her kids, and she'd asked them if they were hungry. They said they'd been waiting for her. 

I told her it would take five minutes. Explained that if someone had our card, they could just spend thousands. We had to act IMMEDATELY. 

And she didn't want to. I was incredulous. 

It would've taken five minutes. But that was five minutes too much for her, apparently. 

It's OK. Fine and dandy for a thief to drain us of thousands. We had to feed my sister and her kids at that very moment (they weren't starving and had brought their own, separate food as well). 

It shocked me. Later she would say that she understood the urgency (whilst still defending her actions). She didn't. She fucking didn't. I think on some level of course she understands that it would be a bad thing. 

But the fact that she couldn't prioritise FIVE FUCKING MINUTES to solve a major issue (whilst we're planning a very expensive trip to her mom) is something I can't truly describe in words. 

It's almost like it's a very abstract concept for her that's hard to fully grasp. Like she has some vague idea of consequences, but that idea remains something without a firm shape. A shapeless cloud. 

Even now, I can see she's having trouble comprehending that not having enough to comfortably visit her mom is a consequence of months of overspending.

She also can't seem to fully grasp the risk we'd put ourselves in whilst there and having to rely on taxi drivers or public transport for a whole month. It's truly unbelievable. We'd gone through the same thing on our previous visit. 

Now it'll be worse. 

And she can't seem to grasp that. Of course when the consequence hits, it always comes as a fucking shock, or angers her because she knew of the possibility, and yet still didn't think it would happen at all. 

Was the overspending necessary? Unnecessary? I don't know. I trusted and relied on her to keep track. I can't trust her with that now. 

And what are my options?

Treat her like a child? Restrict her access to cash? Vet every single credit card purchase? 

How's that going to work out? It'd be humiliating. 

And yet she's dragging all of us slowly underwater. And if a major emergency happens, it'll be the end of us. But for her, it's one of those abstract consequences. Doesn't exist until it does. 

What the fuck am I going to do. I just don't fucking know. There are no good options here. 

I guess and hope we'll be able to determine the actual cause of the overspending. Hell if it's me, I'll accept the egg on my face, and try to make changes. But otherwise, I really don't think she'll change. And again, I don't know what to fucking do. 

Well enough of that.