Nothing

I remember that day on the playground,

where the weather was nice, 

and she was happy, I think. 

It's funny,

because I can't even remember which playground it was exactly.

I think it's the one just in front of our (relatively) new place. 

She was on the second level, 

and was pushing my wife away because she wanted to

try and make friends with the other kids herself. 

Oh she was very, very shy,

but she'd resolved to try on her own. 

So this little four or five year-old,

climbed up near the kids,

and said in the tiniest of voices 

something like "Hi, everybody!" (I forget it was "Hi" or "Hello"). 

You could see her struggle with the anxiety and shyness

only a toddler could feel, 

trying her best to navigate the brand new minefield of social interaction. 

But of course,

none of the kids even noticed her.

Not because they were mean or anything,

her voice was too low,

and it was not at all obvious that she was trying to reach out to them. 

It broke my heart. 

Now I'm not super huge or string, 

but I have curled 40KG on each arm,

and used my size and strength to my advantage to resolve issues in the past. 

But no matter how strong I thought I was,

in this particular moment,

there was nothing I could do to shield her from that feeling.

Might even have been her first time feeling rejected. 

I mean yea, I know she had to learn,

and would've learned at some point,

and our being there to comfort her was better than having her experience that feeling alone. 

But yea,

in that moment I felt helpless. 

And I know that she'll have to and will

experience similar emotions growing up,

dealing with assholes who will inevitably spring up in her life. 

I know this, 

but that doesn't mean I have to like it. 

All I can do is try and give her the tools she needs

to deal with those emotions, 

and let her know that we'll always have her back... and hope for the best. 

Anyway, 

I can't recall what I did exactly on that day at the playground,

but I think I probably did what I normally do,

invited the other kids to play,

so my daughter would be in a group, 

and I think we played for quite some time. 

And I think she was happy. 

Well enough of that. 

Madness and Expats

It's been far too long, 

and between trying to get fit again,

and getting my work done,

whilst desperately trying (and failing) not to have my daughter feel neglected,

at the risk of sounding like an emo 15 year-old,

it's like I'm losing myself. 

Feels like I'm in an endless race,

with a thousand hurdles,

and I'm struggling with each one. 

Even now at around 1am,

there's that anxiety,

the anticipation that I won't be able to finish a thought in my head,

let alone a goddamn sentence.

And it's not my daughter's fault.

It's mine.

I need to be firm.

Lock the door for a few hours.

Regain my sanity whilst I work,

and hell,

engage in a hobby or two from time to time. 

The struggle to get fit again

is long and painful and depressing.

But unless I get myself out of this slump,

I'll continue to spend most days barely awake, 

struggling to finish an email or a proposal or two.

It's like when you keep waking up

every few hours,

as opposed to getting the full 8 hours, you know?

You feel exhausted all damn day.

And I feel that.

Constantly.

Add to that the fact

that the coins I've invested in

have dropped in value somewhat,

so my plans to earn a decent amount every month are kind of on hold.

Hell, I don't even know if I'll be able to get a car

before my daughter begins primary school next year. 

On top of that,

there's the depth of craziness in the US right now.

And yea I know Reddit isn't exactly representative of the entire population,

but I think it still provides a good mix. 

Some of the people I've interacted with are downright delusional.

They cannot fathom how their country can ever be considered in any way inferior

to any other country that they've been told are 

worse off and "evil".

The anger is palpable.

And when you look at the madness of protests,

the sheer and brazen brutality of the armed forces (police, Feds, National Guard),

with no end in sight,

along with the pandemic which rages on,

it makes me very concerned,

even here in Singapore.

And oh yes,

motherfucking Singapore.

Cops have begun using tasers now.

Read an article recently about how four or five

cowards in blue couldn't restrain someone who clearly had mental issues,

and what did they do?

Tase him.

They didn't do it properly,

so they had to restrain him the old-fashioned way.

But then,

why tase him in the first place?

So many things could've gone wrong.

Least of which, 

his head could've slammed into the concrete floor. 

And for what?

To protect those officers?

IT'S THEIR FUCKING JOB.

We also saw how unnecessary it was 

by the follow-up action they took.

Of course the public had no idea

when tasers began being used by the police,

as well as bodycams. 

Nope.

We have "journalists" here,

who are basically government mouthpieces. 

You rarely get any backstory,

any additional context beyond what the government agency puts out in a press release or conference.

Oh and by the way,

they're making changes to the Employment Pass rules here,

making it more costly to hire expatriates, 

in an apparent push to hire more locals.

Now I am fucking against this.

Why?

You see, when they talk about "locals",

they're talking about those of a certain hue.

They may not say it outright,

but ask any minority member 

about how difficult it has been and can be to look for a job,

whilst their less-qualified colleagues who just happen to be Chinese,

blithely jump from one job to another within a year or three. 

Now don't get me wrong.

I don't really blame them.

You find a decent opportunity elsewhere,

I say go for it.

It's your life.

But the fact that this is largely unacknowledged,

let alone fucking addressed can be infuriating.

I'm so thankful for my current role,

and I'm giving 110% to my current bosses.

Why?

Because they happen to be decent human beings,

Fair yet firm.

Ethical internally, and towards clients.

You sleep well at night, 

knowing you've done right by your customers and colleagues alike.

Oh, and they're not local Chinese Singaporeans.

Nope.

It was hard to get to this point.

And most of the roles I've received within the past couple of years

have been due to non-locals.

Even with my specialised experience a few years back,

I could barely get an interview. 

An ex-colleague of mine,

a brilliant senior solution architect,

was offered a fucking junior role at the same government agency

where those who had less experience than him were hired for more senior roles. 

Now I've got very little doubt

that for a younger version of someone like me,

still trying to make a name of him or herself,

the more expatriates in charge of hiring, 

the better.

I mean sure,

everybody brings with them their own biases.

But they also bring different perspectives,

and might not look at the colour of your skin

and decide immediately that you're not even worth talking to.

I still remember growing up,

learning fairly quickly

about how minorities are treated in the job market. 

It used to be "Chinese preferred"

but nowadays it's "Chinese-speaking preferred" 

as if we can't see right through those racist bastards.

You know what's ironic?

I'm fucking Chinese too.

Maybe not "pure" like a racist bitch colleague once "joked",

but I'm every bit as Chinese as they are. 

So yeah.

More nationalities, more ethniticies.

I'm all for it.

Well enough of that. 

The Soviet Union and Different Perspectives and a Mistake

This won't be long.
Can't be long.
I'm awaiting for my eggs to be finished,
and once that's done,
I don't think I'll be able to get back here to finish
or amend my post for the rest of the day.

Been spending a bit of time of Reddit recently,
and man,
I'd forgotten how strong the cognitive bias,
how narrow-minded people can be.

The mere suggestion that you learn about the perspectives
of the Japanese or Soviets during the wars,
or the suggestion that the US aren't the shining light
that their governments have claimed to be,
can bring about rabid, frothing-at-the-mouth denunciations of how
you support evil.

They can't - no wait, refuse - to accept
simply the idea that there could be nuance.

It was both fascinating and horrifying to see their replies.
Like a type of madness had taken over them.

Enough of those goddamn idiots, though.

I've learned more and more about the Soviet Union
over the years,
snippets here and there,
from Chomsky to Abby Martin and others in between.
Information that you don't get to learn about
from the majority of mainstream sources,
including popular movies and shows.

The revolution was led by women,
and was truly a workers' revolution.

Also, it was actually two revolutions.
After the first one, the elite continued
to try and take and main control,
necessitating the second revolution.

From the way the other countries joined the union,
with no major wars or bloodshed,
to the aftermath of the second revolution,
where there was a celebratory mood,
and the prisoners,
their opponents were released,
with the victors urging everyone to move on.

It filled me with so much hope
simply hearing about it,
not to mention dread at what would eventually happen.

From the external attacks by
other world powers,
to Lenin subverting the revolution (he wasn't even
in the country when it started and wasn't aware
of what was about to take place)...
to the transformation of what would become
a grotesque, oppressive system
that caused lasting and ongoing trauma to the
local population to this day.

This is a gross oversimplification of course,
and I would very much one day, like to learn more
about those early days.

Or hell,
even the final days.

The Soviet Union broke up,
again, without major bloodshed.

When have you ever heard of an empire
breaking up without significant conflict and deaths?

Contrast this with the descent of the US empire,
which has intensified conflicts around the world.

But that's for another time.

I'd also made the mistake yesterday,
of being physical with my toddler's friend,
who'd come over to our place with his mom.

I wasn't angry,
didn't lose control,
and I was super careful not to hurt him,
but simply wanted him to let go of something,
which he'd snatched from my daughter.

For added context,
he has problems playing with other kids,
and regulating his emotions,
which is perfectly normal.

I mean holy crap,
he's only five.

I'd wanted to show him
that he couldn't simply snatch things away like that,
but for some goddamn reason,
my brain didn't think to simply tell
his mom that unless he returned it,
play time would be over.

Words would have been much better.

And I guess I'd seen
how his mom was so reluctant or rather, ineffectual?
He clearly had little respect for his mom's wishes,
which to me,
indicates that they rarely followed through
with any punishment they threatened.

So he'd taken something,
and I'd slowly twisted his hand,
gently,
only to ensure he dropped the item.

I'd have let go immediately and the sign of any pain,
or major distress.

The mom didn't mention
anything at the time,
but she was super pissed.

And you know what?
She was justified.

Even if she were weak,
I should've asked for her permission or help first.

But nope.
Like an idiot,
I decided it was a good idea
to get physical with her child.

I'm supposed to be the fucking adult,
and I can't even convince a 5 year-old
to return something?

What a fucking moron.

And if anyone had done the same
with my daughter,
he or she (that's right) might end up
in the goddamn hospital.

Man.

Even at almost 40,
I'm still making such stupid mistakes.

Well enough of that.

Disappointment

It's been a while. As usual.
Normally I manage to overcome
some of my more OCD issues during the fasting month,
but man,
the past few days have made me feel like
I've been swimming under water.

Tired all the time.
Too stressed over
buying cryptocurrency at the right time,
so I can get a bit of profit over a day or week or month.

Oh, and I'm getting more and more annoyed
at by some people I know in the US,
who on the surface,
seem to care a great deal about
civil rights and social justice.

But more and more,
it seems to me like
their concerns are mostly superficial,
and dependent on how impacted they really are.

The pandemic has really brought that into focus.
As soon as they're even mildly affected,
it seems like the people they supposedly cared about,
including kids in cages,
don't seem to matter anymore.

Never mind that they've got gardens and lawns
and vehicles and can still get around.
Never mind that they've got access to masks
and medicine and electricity and the internet.
Oh no.

They're suffering greatly, you see.
One of them especially,
likes to use the term (with a stoic expression on her face) #inthetimeofquarantine....
and I saw this,
while they were WALKING TOGETHER DOWN A STREET.
I DON'T THINK YOU KNOW WHAT THE FUCK "QUARANTINE" MEANS, lady.

There's so much more I'd like to write.
But there's so little time.
From the delusion of Americans
around the politics of their country,
and their so-called exceptionalism,
to the fuckers right here in Singapore
who can't even do basic social distancing.

There's another aspect of staying
at home 24/7 that's frustrating, exhausting.

The Littlest Dictator.
I love her and would die for her.
And she tries, she really does.
But the constant interruptions.
Sometimes it's hard to finish a single goddamn sentence.

Couple this with the work I have to do
over the weekday,
which I usually end up having to do in the evening,
partly because I can't focus for shit,
and partly because of the interruptions,
and it means that I can't get much done overall.

It's not her fault at all.
Not on iota.
She's five years old,
and sharp as a tack.
Kind and empathetic as well.

But it is exhausting.
And that can translate into frustrating and anger,
which I need to constantly work on.

Well enough of that.

Suffering in Quarantine (Oh No!)

I get that it's bad in other places,
especially Italy and Spain,
not to mention
the growing shitstorm in the UK and US.

Yet, a part of me can't help not giving a single fuck.

When Notre Dame burned down,
news sites and social media FLOODED with
messages of solidarity from around
the world and offers to donate
(I mean, billionaires offered, but to this day,
I don't believe any of them has actually contributed what they'd pledged).

A goddamn building evoked more emotion
amongst Europeans and Americans
than refugees fleeing unspeakable horrors
(caused by their governments, but nobody really likes to talk about that!)

Even now,
kids sit in cages in the US,
sick and filthy and awaiting the
onset of Covid-19,
which will undoubtedly kill a lot of them.

Those concentration camps will
slowly slowly turn into death camps.

And the majority of people
might go "Oh no"
followed by a shrug of their shoulders
whilst going back to complaining about
lack of toilet paper
and not being able to visit the fucking mall or something.

I've also seen people intent on calling it a "Chinese virus",
with various comments basically saying that
"The Chinese are responsible and have to pay".

Without any firm evidence,
without any regard to global food supply chains
that for decades, scientists have warned us would cause
more and more such diseases to appear.

I mean there's theories,
but that's it.

But nope!
They've suddenly become experts overnight.
It is now DEFINITELY caused by bat soup.
Sure, motherfucker.

The more obviously racist ones blame "Chinese culture"...
but to me,
the more insidious, cowardly ones try to
blame the "Chinese government"
whilst tarring all Asians who might resemble ethnic Han Chinese people
with the same brush.

They'll never admit their burning hatred, though.
But we know the consequences.

Koreans, Japanese, Chinese will get fired,
won't be hired for other jobs,
their kids will get bullied by both students and teachers alike.

Whenever someone tries to put forth
a rational argument around the virus,
about how they may be many things wrong
with the Chinese government,
but to place the blame on them for this outbreak  is wrong...

You'll see a range of intense resistance.
From denial to whataboutism to straight up direct racism.

And from experience,
not only do these people tend to be overwhelmingly white,
but it's like they view such arguments as
direct challenges to the supremacy of their "culture".

Lemme tell you something.
"White culture" has contributed nothing but hatred and misery and regression.

Not a single scientific advancement that I can think of,
revolved around "whiteness".

How many brilliant scientists of other ethnicities
had been killed before they could realise their potential?

For example, the ancient Mayans
appear to have mastered running water
way back when Europeans were probably shitting
in the streets and using oranges to mask the smell.

Can you imagine what we could've seen had they
been allowed to continue evolving their technology?

Anyway, I'm gonna end this with
something I recently posted online:

Can we spare a single thought for those who have to live in cramped,
tiny apartments, with few or no windows at all, with sporadic
or no internet connection, and no air-conditioning?

I mean sure, staying home is the best option...
if you have a comfortable home with all the modern amenities.

But if you've been spat on for most of the year by a society that now
tells you to stay locked up in a confined space for "the greater good",
with barely any food and water, while others
complained about TOILET PAPER and boredom, how long do you it'd be, before you snapped?

I really want to hope that things will change once this blows over.
That we should give a helping hand to those who need it the most,
"for the greater good".

But I'm not optimistic.


Well enough of that.

Coronavirus

This is gonna be quick.

According new local and international news reports,
anti-Chinese sentiment is now rising globally.

From travel restrictions to crude petitions
to ban those of Chinese ethnicity to restaurants,
cafes, etc.

You've got the idiotic Chinese racists
from HK (and likely Singapore),
targeting mainlanders,
and you've got the ones from Japan and Korea
targeting everyone from China.

And oh yes,
let's not forget the all-stars,
white racists from Australia, the US, Europe, etc.

Man, I'd love to see the look
on a smug Korean racist
who gets denied entry to a  restaurant
in Adelaide because he looks "Asian".

Pro-tip: If your "friends" act differently because of this,
they were never your friends in the first place.
They've always hated you. Always.
Fucking cowards who were just waiting for a chance, any opportunity.
Remember them.
Remember those fucking businesses too.

Well enough of that.

Give Me Something to Break

Motherfucker.
Where do I even begin?

Well, I guess I could start with my lovely, kind wife.
Who apparently does not understand the concept
of money or planning ahead or consequences.

Oh yea,
and before I forget,
I really hate her goddamn hypocrisy too.
When it's not a friend of hers,
or something she really wants to do,
then not only will she visibly show it,
but she'll insist that I do what she wants.

Whether it's an event with the rest of my fucked up family,
or an outing with just us.
She'll make it extremely clear
that she expects it to end at most by around 8pm.

But if it's a friend of hers,
hell,
not a fucking problem!
Even if our daughter's exhausted,
she's willing to spend the whole motherfucking day
with them.
Walk long distances,
spend a lot more money.
Even when I'm not actively participating,
since I don't speak fluent Russian.

Not even a motherfucking "Thank You".
She expects that shit.

But when it's the other way around,
then I'm expected to always cater to her,
or I'll have to deal with incessant sulking and whining.

I mean come the fuck on.
You can't even pretend?

I'm even reluctant to share my interests,
anything I find funny,
suggesting something fun to do.

Because first,
I'll have to deal with her annoyed look,
when she has to look up from her
phone (if she even looks up in the first place).

Then I'll have to deal with
her fucking rejection.
Not even a gentle letdown,
just a straight up "No".

I watched that piece of shit "Little Women" movie with you,
you can't even pretend to find what I say interesting?

But what really almost pushed me over the edge today,
was her mom's request for a goddamn motherfucking SIX THOUSAND DOLLARS.

It wasn't even the request per se.
It was the last-minute nature of it,
and my wife's reaction to my response,
when I say that it's a lot of money for us.

The interrogation/accusation begins immediately.
Didn't we have more money?
What happened to it?
What did you do?

With her selective memory in action,
I'm expected to recall every single motherfucking transaction
over the past two or three months.

That doctor visit,
the driving lessons, etc.

I've learned the hard way
to tell her that we simply don't have as much as she thinks we do.

Fuck going through my bank statement over three months.

Now I've got nothing really, against her mom.
But goddammit,
there has been a time in the past
when she'd requested a similar sum urgently,
and turns out,
it wasn't so urgent.

Now let me be clear.
We owe her.
Big time.

And if she ever, truly needs help,
I'll be the first in line.

But this?
This is fucking manufactured emergency.

From the new apartment with the fucked up kitchen,
to my wife (I suspect) being too fucking lazy
to fully grasp the situation
(she loves hearing only bits and pieces and can't be
bothered to really pay attention unless it's something that interests her),
to the amount we'll have to pay the fucking bank for the transfer (and back,
if her mom wants to repay us).

And that last one really get to me.
Why waste a few hundred dollars if it's not truly an emergency?

Again, my wife was barely able bother to explain
that her mom views this money as "insurance"
in case the loan amount or the money from the sale of her old
apartment doesn't come in on the 27th.

Apparently she needs to make the payment by the 24th.
So because of a motherfucking THREE DAYS,
we'll be throwing away a few hundred dollars?

I'd rather give that money directly to her!
Or my friend.
Or my neighbour.
ANYBODY BUT THE BANK.

Which fucking loan/bill can't wait three days?
I know I'm missing something here.
Again.
But I guess it's not important, yeah?
Fuck it.
Just give her the money,
and shut the fuck up about it.

Oh yes,
my dear wife even gets annoyed by my reaction.
Like it's not a big deal.

I've been trying to get a license for FUCKING YEARS.
And now that I'm so close to getting the lessons over
and done with before the test,
I'm faced with the possibility of letting it lapse until November,
WHERE I'LL HAVE TO RE-TAKE THE FINAL THEORY TEST.

There's little doubt if that happens,
I'll never get my license.
At least not any time soon.

And you know what?
Fuck it I'll admit it.
Even now I'm fucking bitter about
not being able to get it earlier.

I'm almost 40.
Sports cars are out already,
unless I want to project a goddamn mid-life crisis.

Maybe one day I'll get it when I'm what,
50? 60?
The thought of it makes me want to
take a baseball bat to my newly-bought car
in front of my wife,
and the rest of my motherfucking family.

It's not important to them,
therefore it is unimportant.
So shut you mouth,
sit your ass down,
and take it like a good boy.

But if it's important to them,
then be respectful,
be helpful,
do as they fucking say.
Fucking assholes.

Fuck all of them.
FUCK ALL OF THEM.

The day started out being beautiful.
Blue skies, cool breeze,
sunshine making the grass and trees sing.

And then this had to happen.
I can't even be bothered to fill in the gaps as to WHY
this really pisses me off.

Write about it?
In detail?
Fuck that.

And I don't know which is worse.
My wife's ambivalence,
her dismissal of my concerns...

Or the fact that my daughter has to see me
get severely annoyed,
and not in the mood to play with her today,
the day I'm not working.

I can pretend all I want,
but she gets that I'm upset.
She gets it.
And there's not a goddamn thing I can do about it.

Well enough of that shit.

Australia Fires

So this is gonna have to be real quick.

Right now, there are raging infernos all over Australia.

We're talking people dead, homes destroyed, suffocating smoke.

And yea, I'm quite concerned about my friends there but so far, so good.

Everyone appears to be safe.

Here's the thing, though.

Apparently this is just the beginning,

and it's forecast to get worse. 

Now there's a part of me that really feels

for those forced to flee their homes,

leaving their property,

livelihoods behind them.

Having to rely on the kindness of the state 

and strangers.

But there's also the part of me that's

vengeful and petty and goes

"Hey you motherfuckers, you

either stay put and take in all that smoke and fight those fires yourselves,

or guess what? There's fine accommodation waiting for you assholes

on Nauru and Papua New Guinea!"

I wonder how it's probably lost to so many of them,

the similarities of their situation 

with that of the refugees whose detainment (and torture)

they wholeheartedly support. 

This includes fucking children

I still remember many years ago,

reading about little kids who were displaying signs of PTSD

from being detained on the mainland.

Can't even imagine what it's like for them on those godforsaken islands. 

You wanna know what's both depressing and infuriating?

During and after this crisis,

these same assholes 

would likely (shamelessly) continue supporting that practice.

Oh hell, don't be surprised if most of them 

began blaming the refugees themselves for siphoning off

government resources.

Be prepared for all kinds doublethink,

flimsy justifications,

all of which boil down to: I deserve it, not them. 

After all, they've shown their brazen hypocrisy regarding citizenship

(let's not forget most Australian citizens today are the descendants of immigrants).

Fuck those people. 

Now, I'm quite certain there's also many decent Australians (including activists)

who are on the side of those refugees,

who despise this despicable government policy. 

That's the thing about crises, isn't it?

Everybody's affected.

Well enough of that.