Pissed Off in Ramadhan

I'm out of practice.
3 months of just relaxing in Korea,
and two weeks of commuting by car for my new job,
and I'd forgotten the little annoying things that
assholes do in public that piss me the hell off.

And when you're out of practice,
those things take you by surprise,
and you don't act the way you should.
The way that doesn't make you wish
you'd acted differently,
that you'd been stepped on.

There are extremes of course.
But in past,
I've noticed people (young women in particular)
who get in your way while you're walking in the opposite direction...
and expect YOU to get out of the way,
as if they're goddamn royalty.

They're not.
And I'm big enough to make sure that
if there is a collision,
hey, they bear the brunt of it.

But like I said,
I'm out of practice.
So when I was walking near the office
and this happened,
I actually moved out of the way at the last minute.

Annoyed the hell out of me.

But it's slowly starting to get better.

Doesn't compare to what happened to today
on a day out with The Littlest Dictator, though.

First, I didn't intervene when a toddler took
a toy that she was playing with.
Now he did it slowly,
and in front of her,
so I thought she was OK with it.
But she wasn't.

And instead of just taking it back from
the kid (and explaining that he could have it once she was done with it),
or even getting the parent to get the kid to return it,
I just stood there like an idiot,
until she turned her interest to something else.
And I felt fucking RELIEF.
Then tried to justify to myself why I didn't do anything.

The message I sent her was fucked up.
That it was OK for others to take their stuff from her,
that they have more rights.
That's not something I'm OK with.
And like a goddamn pussy,
I even tried to justify why I didn't do anything.

Next time, if the parent's around I'll look at them first
to see if they'll do anything.
If they don't,
I'll just take it myself.
And I'll weather the storm for her.
If the parents want kick up a big fuss,
hey, that's what all the weightlifting is for.
They can suck it.
In fact, I'll be happy to have at least one incident
to use as a reference in the future.
I might come out looking ugly,
but if I don't face things like that, I'll never learn.
And she'll feel like she's being stepped on.

But that wasn't all.
We were at the promenade,
when a cunty bitchwhore decided to smoke nearby.
Now to be fair,
she probably would've moved further away if I'd asked.

Like the idiot that I am,
not only did I play out all kinds of scenarios in my head,
but I kept hesitating on going over to her.
And when I'd finally decided to do so,
I kept getting interrupted by Jenia and The Littlest Dictator herself.
You know, the ones I were supposed to spend some time with.

Instead, I lost my nerve,
and somehow convinced myself that it was too late to approach (which is really just pussying out).
And to make things worse,
I'd somehow almost convinced myself that it was because
I kept getting interrupted.
Passing on the blame.

I could've wiped away her sweat first
and then walked over.
Could've just waited a few moments.
But nope.
Just walked away all frustrated,
and almost took it out on Jenia,
who thought I was pissed off with her.
I was really just pissed off with myself.

And then...
AND FUCKING THEN
I tried to justify why we were walking away...
like my manhood was all shriveled up
and trying to escape,
and I was making a feeble attempt at trying to
get it to come back and stay.

NO MOTHERFUCKER.
Just. Fucking. No.

The fact that it still bothers me
even now tells me that I should've
gathered my balls and at least said something.

I know what to fucking do,
goddammit.

And if they kick up a big fuss
or try to start a fight,
I'll just congratulate them sarcastically
and walk away the bigger man for
avoiding the conflict,
thus actually "winning".
The point is to turn out looking better.

I'm out of practice,
but at least now I know what I have to do.

And besides,
if anybody wants to throw down
and makes the first move,
I'm more than happy to put them down.

I should start taking the train more often.
Speaking up more often.

Well enough of that.