Permission to express grief

There have been so many tragedies lately,
that I've almost become numb.

From natural disasters to man-made ones,
the ones we read about,
and the ones that are alluded to,
but we never find out about.

From the atrocities committed by so-called Western powers,
to the horrifying things done by China and Russia and their allies,
to everything in between done by the smaller players, like Isis.

Denials and bullshit justifications come from those players on a regular basis.
What's really exhausting is listening to the ignorant, bigoted justifications by their civilian supporters.
Everyone from the truly bigoted ones who celebrate the deaths and torture of civilians in other countries,
to the self-proclaimed liberals who seem to be desperate to convince themselves
why their side is the 'good' side.

The horrific bombing in Brussels has dominated the news recently.
And while people from all over the world have expressed solidarity with the Belgians,
quite a few have rightfully pointed out the hypocrisy in how the so-called Western victims are treated in the media and by citizens in those countries, compared to the non-Western ones.

And of course the justifications for this begin to pour in,
grasping at anything they can get a hold of to claim why there's nothing wrong with that.
That OF COURSE they will identify more with Western victims,
followed by finger-pointing at those who point out the hypocrisy,
in an attempt to shame them into silence.

None of them bothers to mention the global nature of mainstream media today.
Deaths of civilians in faraway 'Brown' countries are treated more like entertainment,
or something that simply happens in that part of the world.
Oh, did you know? 10 families were wiped out in a drone attack in Afghanistan today.
Let's move on, to sports now, shall we?

We've been conditioned to tune out those deaths,
to identify those victims as 'others'.
What it basically means is that their deaths don't mean so much.

I have a feeling that the outrage and incredible outpouring of grief for the Brussels victims (the ones in Brussels, not the 'Brown' ones in those faraway countries)
is due to several reasons:

1. Fear. If it can happen in Brussels (and Paris), it can happen to your city, too. Suddenly it's no longer entertainment or simply background news.

2. Racism. How DARE they target Westerners - meaning 'White', though the victims of course include non-White civilians.

Never mind the fact that their countries have been waging unprovoked war on so many countries for so very long. Nope. They are superior. It's not the same, you see because of reasons.
Clashing cultures is one bullshit reason they like to use over and over again.

It also reaffirms their twisted, racist beliefs. The comments from some of these people
make it look like they're almost happy that it happened.
Now they can justify attacking that Brown family who lives down the street.
They can harass others they deem responsible (of course, always absolving themselves when people like them commit atrocities because of again, reasons).

Oh and by the way, when you attack an entire goddamn country, EVERYONE is affected:
From law-abiding civilians to criminals. Everyone.
A few of them will retaliate in kind, and they won't adhere to anyone's standards but their own.
Ironic though, because attacking civilians is exactly what those good ol' regular NATO forces do.

3. Genuine sadness at the senseless loss of life, and a realization that this is what victims in those faraway countries encounter on a regular basis.
These are the ones who have just woken up.
The disconnect has been remedied.

From what I've seen online though, no.3 seems to be in the minority.

These reasons are by no means exhaustive, of course. But going from article to article,
readings comments on those articles and on social media... I think it's a pretty good bet.

World War 3 is coming, without a doubt.
There will at one point be a war amongst the major powers. We saw a glimpse of it when Russia intervened in Syria.

The US is on the decline and despite their best efforts,
other powers are rising.
And they will not bow.

What does that mean for people like you and me?
Misery.

I just hope it doesn't happen in my or my children, or my grandchildren's lifetimes.

As for what my plans are?
To make as much money as possible,
and retire somewhere rural,
out of the way.
Live our lives in peace.
I can hope, can't I?

Well enough of that.

Goddammit

If for some insane reason you've been reading my blog (seriously, don't you have a life?),
you'll realize that I complain quite a bit here.
OK, OK... fine. I bitch a lot.
It's my motherfucking blog.
Also, everybody needs an outlet.

But this post is going to be different!
It's going to be upbeat and filled with sunshine and bunnies!

Just kidding.
And fuck you.

Where was I? Oh yeah.
Around late afternoon yesterday,
I sort of got the wind knocked out of me. Emotionally (ehh go fuck yourself).

A simple request to my wife to help me identify three Russian meat companies...
just three...
turned into another mini-argument.

These happen a lot whenever a business-related request of mine comes up.
And from where I'm standing,
I've got a pretty good idea why. At least one of the major reasons anyway:
She doesn't think it's a good idea.
Doesn't matter what it is,
if even a hint of complexity comes into play...
she immediately expresses reservations.

Oh she'll say that she supports it.
But I've learned a long time ago that it doesn't mean much.

She's a big fan of asking for things,
and spending money...
but when it comes to making money,
eh, not so much.

She's even expressed interest in working,
as in, she'll work while I stay at home and look after our baby.

One problem though: It won't work.
I know it won't. She'll miss the baby too much,
she'll get too annoyed at work,
she'll be too tired and stressed and come back every day in a very irritable state.

Might not happen immediately.
But it will.

I know her way too well to know this.
Oh maybe I'm just a little bitter right now.

Back to what happened this afternoon.
Right after that mini-argument, I felt... deflated.

What's the point, really?
Why not just get a regular job,
work miserably a few months (while worrying about losing said job),
save up enough for the down payment on a nondescript HDB apartment,
and spend the rest of my goddamn life trying to stay ahead of the interest payments.

And she'd still be dissatisfied.
All that would mean fewer vacations and luxuries.

And I would be miserable.
Not the kind of atmosphere I'd want our child to grow up in.

But that response. That fucking response.

And what she said about 10-15 mins later felt even worse.
As she picked up the baby,
in a tone that had a mixture of resignation and regret when you treat a motherfucking pet poorly,
she said that we could review those companies later,
after she was done washing the baby.

As if she were doing me a favour.
Like a condescending boss talking down to her incompetent subordinate.

And during this moment... it just hit me out of nowhere:
I wish I were married to someone I was attracted to.

And it made me even more depressed because it's true.
Holy shit it's true.

She could be someone I'm attracted to.
She could be.
All she has to do is workout.
But I can't even broach the topic without driving her to tears,
and having to pretend I meant something else.

All this bitching and moaning might seem like I don't appreciate her.
I do.
I mean holy shit without her I wouldn't have a daughter,
and wouldn't even be able to look after her properly.
My life would probably be a mess (literally and metaphorically).
I owe a LOT to her.

She genuinely cares about me,
as I care about her.

But certain aspects of her personality...
keep dragging me down.
And it takes a lot of effort to pull myself back up again.
All while pretending everything is OK.
Like climbing up a steep slope with weights tied to my ankles and shoulders.

I have to carry on, though.
The alternative is to just lay in the muck... pulling my daughter down with us.

Well enough of that.