So it's Tuesday and I'm sleepy as hell.
Yes, the title is like a work of divine inspiration.
So here I am, at Pitney Bowes.
Struggling to build a proper pipeline,
to identify the people I need to be speaking with,
to close deals.
I'm also struggling to find the time for Unified Inbox.
Truth is, I do have the time.
But lately I feel like I'm trying to swim against a strong current
with heavy clothes on.
Everything just moves along slowly.
I don't know if things will work out here.
No idea.
And this goddamn fog of sleepiness isn't helping either.
Back at home,
it just hit me recently.
Jenia doesn't love me as much as she used to.
That's my theory.
The Russian words hold more power and meaning for her...
whereas English words are sort of like echoes of the true meanings,
at least when it comes to her.
I hadn't realized this initially.
I'd continued to use the Russian words for 'I love you'
and 'My darling',
but she'd switched to English the past couple of weeks, or
is it months?
I can't recall anymore.
Didn't think much of it at first.
Sometimes we joke about calling others 'bitches' (shut up),
and when I use the Russian word for it,
it has a noticeable impact,
and she says that for her,
it sounds more harsh,
more vulgar.
The English version to her is,
yeah, like an echo of the real meaning.
Not quite genuine.
The words used above are not quite elegant (am I ever elegant?)(again, shut up),
but I needed to get them out as fast as possible.
I'm in the office but my eyelids are heavy.
So yeah, while she did tell me a couple of days ago,
that she is happy,
and that she doesn't want me to think that she's not...
I think a part of her is also trying to convince herself
that she's happy.
That this life is what she wants.
It's a sad situation.
She's a beautiful, smart, funny girl.
I love the way she smiles, the way she walks,
her silly dances, and the way she tries to
save face when she knows she's lost an argument.
Heh.
And we have a beautiful baby together.
Alexandra's growing up so fast.
She laughs so much now these days,
filling the room with sunshine even on the darkest, most stormy nights.
But people do drift apart. They do. It happens.
Maybe (probably)(highly likely) I've been making mistake after mistake...
relationships take effort,
and these days it's hard to find the time and energy for it.
For my part, I will continue to try.
Work out, to look good. Treat her nicely.
Run some game on her...
romance her.
But I need to be prepared that it might not work out.
Maybe in a few months. Maybe in a few years.
And when the time comes,
I'll need to focus on staying in Alexandra's life,
while ensuring I land on my own two feet.
I need to maintain my confidence.
Re-learn The Game.
Continue to have a positive life.
And I hope that she has a positive life as well.
Well enough of that.
