Contingency

Yep. Just lost my job, not too long after my engagement.

And she's still by my side,
giving encouragement...
even sending pictures of herself smiling...
ahh, those sweet smiles really do brighten up my day.

She is amazing, and I love her.
Yea, I know the risks involved... but you know what? She's worth it.

Yes, yes... I know... I know...


So anyway. I'm looking for a job,
and I've got a long-term plan: Get IT certifications,
and work my way up to the level of an IT Architect (Network Infrastructure)...
Probably take about 10 years.
Not sure if I'll even be alive, then (remember the plan?).
But hey, why not? If it provides me with an escape from this prison island.

In the meantime, I'll get whatever gig I can get to fund this new journey.

I've also got an idea for an online business.
Something in the vein of Fiverr.com and Airbnb.com

A one-stop site for homeowners:
Plumbers, electricians, property agents, contractors, the people who configure the gas, the ones who set up internet access...
Complete with reviews, and pricing information.

Target market audience would be in countries overseas,
and probably not in Singapore.
Pretty sure it'd work. OK I hope.
I've actually pitched this to someone.

But the way I see it,
I'll probably end up working on it like a hobby. Yea, would be a nice hobby to have.


Now back home,
I've got another... problem.

Apparently my brother has, or is about to achieve great success.

A little bit of the history between us:
We've had a a few disagreements that began long ago,
over things I can't even remember now.

But he has never really got over it.
So to this day, we never talk to each other,
and he makes his displeasure of my presence clearly visible by slamming doors, etc.
I actually find it a little funny.
Need the sofa all to yourself, and he's the only one seated there?
No problem. Sit right smack next to him.
He'll get off of it like it was on fire. HAHAHAH...

But I digress.

So he's about to achieve success.
Something about a million dollars, etc.

I'm happy for him. No, really. Quit sniggering.
But it's bittersweet.
He walks around our apartment, bragging about it on and on and on...

And while I don't normally give a damn about what others think and do,
it's pretty hard not to get seriously annoyed when you're actually living with someone who
makes it clear that he hates your guts.

Fact is, I'll be happy once he's gone.
I mean he's my brother and I love him. But goddammit the tension, man...

One time, he actually sucker-punched me in the eye,
while hiding behind a few people...
I could've destroyed him (he is pretty skinny, and I lift weights), but I didn't.

Soon, without a doubt, there'll probably be an outpouring of scorn from him.
That doesn't really bother me.
But when I have kids, he better not forsake them. He will still be their uncle.

Now, at 30 years old,
I feel like the curse of my father has been passed onto me.

Old family wounds. Unhealed rifts.
The many, many little concessions they made for him...
despite my warnings of what my parents were allowing him to become,
what THEY were doing to the family...
So sure were they of themselves.

Now I'll admit I've made mistakes as well.
But the way they, especially my father shielded him... it was unreal.

So divisive.

This bitterness will not fade, but I will keep trying.
Who knows, maybe he'll come around someday.
Maybe my parents will realize the strong hand they played in all of this.
Maybe I'll realize something about me.

EDIT (31st Jul 12): I've decided that during Eid, I'll try to reach out. Probably won't work, but it'll plant the seed.
Will have to attempt again many years later, when we are on the same level financially.


I'm sure there is something I can't see.
Maybe it really was just me all along.
It did begin when we were young teenagers, though...
So my parents need to accept responsibility.
Or not.
What difference would it make? It won't heal any wounds. Not now, anyway.


And now here we are.
These mistakes must be remembered. And I must learn from them.
They are a guidebook on what NOT to do, when I have kids.
And my great fear is that I will replicate exactly that.


She must be my compass.
Just as I will be hers.

Ahh Jenia...
The way I feel. How I've let you down.
But as a man, I can never reveal this despair to her.
So it's good that this site is here. For me and me alone.

Time to get back on my feet.
Repair what is broken.

No matter how far it is,
unless you take that first step, you will never arrive at your destination.


Well, enough of that.











 

That Which is Broken Can Be Fixed