It's 5 minutes to 11pm, and I am exhausted.
So hard to remain awake...
I wanted to preserve this moment. This thought.
Even if my words aren't exactly the ones I'd choose normally...
the thought must be saved.
Something weird has happened to me.
Quite odd.
I've fallen in love.
Truly, deeply.
I would die for her. And I've never even met her yet.
Something tells me one day, she will break my heart.
And even if I know that to be true,
I wouldn't change a damn thing.
Yep.
Maybe you don't get wiser with age...
She isn't even the type I've fantasised about for years and years...
No red hair,
she's not White...
she isn't as sarcastic as me... doesn't curse...
Even her body type and age...
She is not 25 or younger...
And yet I love her.
Everything about her.
Her eyes, her lips...
Her hair... her smile...
Her accent... the words she uses.
I mean come ON, man...
even the WORDS SHE USES...
Haven't known her for too long.
About 2 months so far.
And I love her.
As I search my brain for better phrases, better words to use...
better images...
It hits me.
I've kind of let myself go, intellectually.
I want to read more books... write more..
watch more stand-up comedy,
watch more of the type of movies that I like...
So I'll be able to regain those phrases...
I do not want to manipulate her. Not at all.
I want to serenade her with poetry and flowers. All of that stuff.
Don't give a damn if it's lame-ass.
I want to do it.
Got into The Game, and began getting results...
but I kind of stopped mid-way through.
Meeting her was an unexpectedly pleasant surprise.
She makes me want to be a better man.
I was already on a journey to self-improvement... and she's like the turbo-boost that drives me even harder.
But perhaps, I shouldn't stop mid-way.
I must keep learning.
Just need to remain within the boundaries...
This is part of my journey, and I must complete it.
I would never betray her,
so I'm not worried at all.
Goddamn, this is a long post.
And here I was, about to talk about how I sometimes loathe myself
for trying to fit in...
The expats in the office, for example.
Romka.
They sure can make someone feel like crap.
But it's my fault...
Problem is... a part of me was still seeking validation.
They are who they are.
Perhaps they feel they are superior simply because of where they're from (Europe/US)...
Or perhaps they don't like the way I look...
Or perhaps this... or that...
So many assumptions. It doesn't matter.
What matters is how I feel.
I control that. What's the point of loathing them, or myself?
None.
You recognise a mistake, you acknowledge it, you move on.
And sure, I'm trying to make more friends, so if Jenia comes to stay with me (IF),
she'll have friends to hang out with...
But hey, she deserves more credit than that.
She's smart, she's funny, and she's very beautiful... warm, and thoughtful.
Tender and kind...
She'll be fine, and is more than capable of making her own friends.
I will hang out with the people I want... WHEN I choose to...
and most of the time, I prefer being alone...
exploring... hell, even taking part in competitions alone.
I love it.
So if others won't accept me, after I've offered a hand in friendship,
then so be it.
Their loss, man.
Heh.
Pre-Jenia, and a few months back,
this post would probably be filled with words like 'fuck', 'motherfucker', 'fucking motherfucking cocksuckers'-
Well, you get the idea.
She's already helping me to be a better man.
And I love her for it so much.
