Pastel

So it's Sunday, about 10 minutes to 4pm.
The sun is shining brightly, but it's not hot. Hell, it's an incredibly beautiful day. Sky's bright blue...
and I can feel a cool breeze.

I want to get out there and do SOMETHING with anyone.
But as it so often happens, whenever I flip through my address book I realize...
I'm alone.
Yes, I know... I know... I sound like a fucking emo kid.

What do 'emo kids' have to be 'emo' about anyway?
Their parents won't give them more cash so they can get more ugly-looking 'emo stuff'?
Oh yes. Stuff like eyeliner, special hair gel, shoes... to achieve that 'emo look' that's OH-so-expensive to do.

Not to mention emo music which makes the sound of a thousand toddlers screaming angrily for more pudding seem like a work of pure genius.

If anyone has a right to be 'emo', it's middle-aged adults like me. No family, no friends. Dead-end job. Decaying body (oh come on, you KNOW it is!), and the list just keeps going on and on and on...
WE should be fucking 'emo'.
Plus, if nothing else, we can afford our own clothes, not like those little shits.

Great. I've just realized that my sentences now go on forever.
I used to value brevity. But my vocabulary's in a shambles right now.
I know basic words and how to string together a basic sentence.
No grace. Just crap.

OK fine. My style wasn't grateful to begin with.
Shut the fuck up.

It's going to be extremely hard getting back to the way I was.
Picture trying to grab a chicken high on ecstacy, then multiply it by a hundred.

But eh, I don't have much a choice now do I?

Well enough of that.

Fuck every single one of you.
Have a nice day!



Bitches.

Hamster Wheel

Barely got through the first week of training...
Not that it was hard or anything. Hell, we barely did anything at all.

The whole time, I was struggling not to fall back into my old self. Felt like I was watching the re-run of a
really bad movie.
The idiot struggled to keep himself from going on and on about meaningless shit...
from making lame-ass jokes only he could get...
from being an idiot, basically.
He failed. Not miserably, but yea...

Anyway, it takes me more than an hour to get there, and I'm supposed to arrive on the dot at 8am every morning.
Yep, definitely getting my ass fired soon.

Fell asleep at 2pm, and got up at 9pm. On a goddamn Saturday. I'd been playing Warcraft
the whole morning. Real fucking productive, I know.
I need to eat so I can work out in 2 hours. And right now, I can barely keep my eyes open.

The past couple of months, I've been tired all the damn time. Maybe I've lost the race.
Maybe I already have Diabetes. Eh, who gives a shit?
I got less than 2 years left. I can take it.

Fuck every single one of you.

Have a nice day!

Final Destination

First of all, I need to thank the ones who made the shitty series for making my title sound lame.
Thanks, douchebags.

Anyway, I'm now working at an MNC doing pretty much the same thing I did back at Acronis.
This will probably be my final 'proper' job. By that, I mean once I get my ass fired (pretty sure I will),
the only jobs I'll be able to get will likely be temporary ones.


I'm still missing prayers thanks to my anxiety problems (I'll talk about it later, curious jackass).
It bothers me. A lot. I still get tense when people make eye-contact as they're talking with me.
My neck stiffens especially when anyone talks with me and I'm seated.
I'm aware of it. I'm not nervous. But my body says otherwise. Motherfucker.

Still can't sleep well. And for some insane reason, I can't even string together coherent, grammatically-correct sentences when talking... without tripping up first. I'd think of a word, say it wrongly, then have to repeat it.
Nearly every single goddamn sentence. And I'd fucking KNOW how to say it. My tongue just won't comply.

Hopefully I'll be reading this at the end of my 2 years, and smile at how tough it was to overcome.
But right now I've got to actually DO IT.

Oh, and I fucking hate it there. Everyone's always smiling, asking each other how they're doing. Me included.
IF I WANTED CONSTANT ATTENTION, I'D BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF PEOPLE FOR IT.

Well enough of that.